I will never die

Even if when the world tears me apart and knocks me down

I will swallow my tears and get up

Punch…Punch..Punch..

Blood dripped out from my mouth but I don’t care.

My vision started to blur but I never lowering my gaze.

Someone grabbing my collar and pull me forwards, I can’t really see who is it.

“You are just a trash, there’s no one who wants you..” he said mockingly in front of my face.

Then he push me hard make me fall backwards.

“Let’s go, we’ve done..” I can hear the sound of footstep that get further away.

They leave me.  Alone .

I chuckle, but soon I can feel pain take over of my body. I wince in pain.

Just how pitiful I am right now ?

‘It’s okay’ I said it to my self.

‘It’s okay’ I repeat it over and over again inside of my mind.

I try to smile, but my eyes are burning.

I can feel something started to filled up my eyes.

‘No, you can’t cry’ I gritted my teeth.

Today, I’ve realize that I’ve  been walking on a wrong path this whole time.

Following people  that leads me into catastrophe. Use and throw me away like a worn-out shoe.

I swallow my tears along with the bitter pill of betrayal.

I am forcing my broken body to get up and walk away.

At the time like this… I really miss my mother.

My mom, remembering about her, regret and guilt feeling started to fill up my empty heart. It’s too much, that makes my chest so heavy.

Suddenly, I have an urge to meet and hug her. With so much struggle I speed up my limping step.

I want to say ‘Thank you’ and ‘I’m sorry’

I will never die

Even I crash into the world and it throws me down

I will swallow my own blood and get up

Joining an audition , I’ve never imagine this kind of thing to be happen in my life.

But, because a sea of troubles that unexpectedly comes up, I don’t have another choice.

I’m nervous. Standing among a sea of people who wants to be recognized and of course all of them must be have a great talent.

My palm get wet with cold sweat , my heart beat increase in every minutes waiting for my turn.

With a tremble heart, I started to perform in front of them. My voice and my guitar, these thing is the only one I have. I close my eyes to cover up my nervousness and sing with all of my heart.

When I finished singing, I opened my eyes and see the judge smiling at me.

I’ve made it.

For the first time after a never ending winter season, my heart is blooming with happiness.

And there, I see my mom smiling beautifully at me.

I can’t be happier than this. I said a silent ‘Thank you’ to God for gave me this beautiful present.

But, there’s nothing that last forever.

4^th place.

I can’t really say how I feel, disappointed because a small part of my heart screaming for 1^st place yet thankful because I can make it this far.

Happy, because I can see a tiny spark of my future, at least.

But, the most important thing is I learn to be thankful about everything I’ve got and cherish every single thing of it.

Among so many agencies who want to recruit me, I choose YG Entertainment.

It’s like a dream to be able sign a contract with them. Somehow, it makes me re-think that maybe I’m not a trash like what those betrayal said to me. Because, I have talent.

Training for three years, when you count it as a number maybe it’s not that long. But, for me it’s a very long time that makes me forget how it feels to sing on a stage.

If in the first place I am not choose YG, maybe right now at this moment I’ll be able to meet with my fans and sing with them. Yeah… I don’t even know when will I am going to debut.

When I am sign the contract, I’ve imagine that I’ll become a Rock Stars. But, reality hit me hard.

I don’t even know why I move weirdly in front of a large mirror. Forcing my stiff body to move along with the melody of the music that played in the dancing room. But all I can do is stumble around and embarrassed my self in front of many pairs of eyes.

And for the rest of the day I can’t even lift up my face, I just keep staring at the hard floor beneath me. At the time like this something comes up into my mind ‘This is not what I want’ and regret start to creeps into my heart, makes me feel despair.

I want to singing not dancing.

What can I do to make them understand this ?

Nothing, there’s nothing I can do to make them understand.

All I have to do is understanding them and follow their order.

Insult, shouting and criticism is my daily food. I’ll eat and swallow them everyday because if I don’t I’ll die.

Sometimes when I am alone I’ll pray to God  ‘I hope tomorrow will never come’

But God is cold. He makes it faster than usual.

“Can’t you do it right!”

“Are you that stupid!”

“Why can’t you do this!”

“It’s so easy, stupid!”

“Like this! Like this ! Then LIKE THIS! Still can’t do it!?”

“Looks the others can do it perfectly. It’s just you who can’t”

“You slowed down the others. They have missed a lot of progress. You makes it hard for them, for me..”

Those words, those words is like a nail that hammered into my heart.

And those gaze that directed towards me suffocating me.

All I can do is just stay silent and again.. bow down my head in embarrassment and hurt.

I don’t know but those harsh words always make me feel like I never try and put my best, but in fact I’ve try my best.

Just how much they want me to pull out of my self.

Day and night, I spend my restless day to practice and enhance my dance move. I don’t care even when my chest burning hot, even when I am out of breath, even when my body feel like giving up, even when my head feel dizzy and I am about to vomit, I don’t care.

I cry and swallowing my salty tears. Why is the world so cruel and harsh to me ?

Live  my life it feels like running on broken glass. My feet were hurt, but,  it will more hurt when I stopped.

So even when with my bloody feet, I keep on running towards my goal, towards my dream.

I’ll prove it to the world that they has been choose a wrong enemy.

Because when I die after through all of this things, I’ll die with a wide smile, with a satisfied smile.

I’ll die as a victor.

I don't even finished writing my other fic "What Is This?" but I have write another story. ? 

Well I can't help it >.<

Enjoy, especially Seungyoon-stans. ^.^