Chapter two

KYUHYUN´S POV

Most of the time I feel like a stranger in my own house. In fact, I have been feeling like this my whole life. I can´t help but feel empty, unprotected, alone and not loved by anybody. I´ve always lived with these feelings. All I wanted was love and attention from the people I care. Is that much to ask? I don´t think so. I´ve been a good boy, a good son and a good student so why I don´t feel completely happy. Why do I feel sad most of the time? Why does life seem to be playing a bad trick on me? All I can see is black and white around me. I see no colors wherever I go and see. Yeah I have been a lonely person my whole life even though I have a family with me. Then why do I feel like this? Realizing that nobody loves you is the cruelest feeling a person can feel. Love is necessary in life. To feel accepted and loved by the people you love must be the most wonderful feeling right? Well I don´t know what to answer to myself because I do not know the correct answer. I don´t know what it feels to be loved by the people you care. I need affection from others. I want to cry just remembering this but that is my truth. Difficult to digest.

I admire myself for being strong and having endured this sadness I have in my chest all of these years but this emptiness is making my life miserable every day. I want to be a normal boy like the others but I can´t. Nothing seems to catch my attention except my studies. If I have endured this is all thanks to my studies. I´m such a hardworking and stubborn student that I feel calm in a way when I´m focused on my studies. I´m very smart so studying is an easy task for me and I enjoy it a lot. So this is my escape when I want to forget what happens in my life.

I have never been a normal boy. I considered myself a good person with others. Even though I don´t have many friends, I have few who accept me as I am with my many defects and my few virtues, well that´s what I think. I don´t go out too much just some times for special occasions with them but I must confess that I don´t enjoy going out. I prefer staying at my room studying or reading books. I´m a quiet person and sometimes very shy with people I don´t know or feel comfortable with.

I have no experience in love either. I have never felt the need to date a girl. I´m not saying I don´t like girls but nobody has caught my attention that much. I have no interest in girls because I feel empty. Even though I have no love in my life right now, I would like to feel it. Of course I have thought that maybe if I date a girl I can fall in love and experience new sensations that I have never felt before: to be loved by someone. But seriously I haven´t met that person who makes my heart beat frantically, a person who makes me feel butterflies in my stomach all the time, a person who I will not be able to take her out of my mind during days and nights, a person who makes me faint and melt with her beautiful smile, a person whose eyes I can drown in them the moment I met her. All of those feelings are the signs of love for me. This is what a true love must be. Yes I also want to love but that person hasn´t appeared in my life yet. I´m still waiting for someone who can color my life and can change my emptiness into happiness. That is what I need with all my heart. Love…I want to love and be loved in return. Will there be a right person for me in this world? I hope so because I´m feeling down most of the time. Why hasn´t this person appeared yet? I´m almost twenty years old and I feel extremely lonely.

What have I done wrong to deserve such a miserable life? I swear I try to think about a good reason why I don´t receive love by the people I care but seriously I haven´t done anything wrong except being born a man. Yes this is why my parents and my younger sister don´t care about me. If being a man isn´t wrong then why don´t they pay attention on me? They never show me any kind of affection. Not even when I get good marks and get always the first place in my class. I never receive a hug or a kiss from them. They don´t care about me. It has always been like this and it really hurts. It hurts so much that sometimes I can´t hold it anymore.

All their attention is focused on my younger sister. They live and die for her literally. Why? Because she is a girl, the girl they had always been expecting to have. When I was conceived, all what my parents wanted deeply was to have a daughter. My mom always is on charge of remembering that. When my mom got pregnant of me, my parents never wanted to know the of the baby. They wanted a girl not a boy. They were obsessed with a girl because their own families were full of boys and not girls that´s why they wanted a girl so badly. I also heard that I never let them see me clearly in the sonograms so they gave up to the idea about knowing the of the baby and from the bottom of their hearts they believed their baby was a girl. Even they prayed for that miracle. They bought all my baby clothes in pink color and decorated my room with pink and dolls too. They were so convinced that I was a girl that nobody could convince them otherwise. They never thought of the chance that their baby could be a boy. Why didn´t they care about that big possibility? Is that a sin to be born a boy? It´s supposed that all parents love their babies even though they can be born girls or boys. Is the really important? Parents must accept their babies not caring about their because they are made with love. I thought this is what all parents should feel and believe but I was completely wrong. That definitely didn´t happen with my parents. Their biggest disappointment was to have a boy instead of their highly-expected girl.

 Has this been my fault? I´m not the girl they expected. I was born as a boy. From that moment I have never felt their love to me. Not in the way I have always wanted. I wanted to feel loved by my parents, feel protected by them. I always expected a warm hug or kiss from them accompanied by sweet and caring words or advices but all I got was cold and short ways of affection.

Since I was a child, they were cold parents with me. It´s true they cared about me in a way giving me the best education and material things but that didn´t make me happy at all. All I wanted was love from them. I wanted lovely parents like all the other kids had. I searched for their attention being the best student, getting the best marks but all I got was cold congratulations. I wanted a hug but that was too much to ask. I never understood my parents but somehow I never blame them either.

When my mom got pregnant again, this time my parents made sure that the baby was a girl from the beginning. Luckily they confir