Even though most of the time I was wincing because I could not stand the pain, I was still happy because Soonkyu was holding my hands, covering my wounds with a cotton full of antiseptic liquids on it.

"How could you heal your scar just with alcohol and a Band-Aid" Soonkyu shook her head in disbelief.

"I don't have much time to put ointments on it"

"Why did you even cut at the first place?"

I looked down. "That's..."

A sigh came out of Soonkyu's mouth. "That means the first time we met here, you just finished doing this kind of thing too. Am I right?"

I could only nod.

"I really had no idea you're going through this. I thought all those scars on your hands and arms are just... Pure caused by accident"

I dared myself to look at her. "Are you angry?"

"I'm not, but just... How should I say it? Disappointed?"

Then, my eyes found their ways to the ground again. "I'm sorry. You don't have to be my friend again if you don't want to"

"I only said I was disappointed, because you never told me until I found out by myself. I didn't say that I would stop being your friend"

She rubbed my fingers and that made me look at her again. She was smiling at me and once again, I found myself liking that smile very much; the sincere smile that I had never found on anyone else’s face after my mom.

I felt warmth replacing all the pain that I felt inside, as if it had never existed at all. I didn't know if she noticed it, but my cheeks must have turned red because I felt heat on them.

"Would you like to tell me then, about the reasons you did this?" Her question brought me back to reality.

I took a deep breath, about to say no. Telling her the whole story would be the same as being ; showing her the other side of my life which I had never told to anyone.

I looked for a second at my wound. These wounds would never be healed and stopped being carved on my arms unless I shared the invisible pain inside.

"Taeyeon?" The gentle grip on my hand got my attention back to her.

I bit my lips and finally opened up my mouth to speak.

* * *

I thought the phrase 'history repeats itself' might be true. It was on the third day after Soonkyu became my colleague in the place where I worked when I accidentally bumped onto her again. I was about to go back to my room, and it looked like she was having her break time, because she spilled some of her coffee when our shoulders met.

"I'm sorry" I took time to apologize before realizing the person in front of me.

Then, I saw her pair of beautiful eyes. It was like this again, just like that first moment we met back then in the past. Staring at them, I knew that those were still the same eyes I had known. The same caring, gentle eyes.

"Yeah you should be" said Soonkyu, who was now trying to clean the spilling coffee on her shirt.

"I... I would pay for the laundry later"

She suddenly stopped what she was doing and smiled with the same comforting smile.

"It's not like we haven't known each other before. I can clean this by myself"

My eyes found their ways to my own feet. Without replying anything, I passed by her, hoping she would not say anything that would make me turn around again.

"Taeyeon"

But she did. I hadn't looked back at her, but I did stop.

"I want to have lunch with you" She continued.

"I need to go back to work"

"We can do it tomorrow"

"...I'm too busy. I usually eat my lunch in my room"

I could hear her sigh.

"Seven years of not talking to each other, you don't have anything to talk to me? Didn't you say we're still friends?"

I closed my eyes, starting to feel the pain inside. She had no idea of how this reunion would affect me. She had no idea of what she had brought into my life. She had no idea of the things she had taken away from me.

But afterall, it was not her fault.

"I'm sorry, Soonkyu"

I knew that would stop her. So that was all that I said before I walked away once again.

* * *

I packed my lunch box as fast as possible, afraid that I would arrive at school after the first bell rang. I knew the whole house was probably staring at me, knowing that this was something very unusual from me.

I didn't usually pack my lunch. Moreover, I had never tried cooking for my own lunch before. But those days had been very different. Those were beautiful days. The days where I would see Soonkyu during the breaks, talking to her, seeing her smile, and sharing our lunch together.

Soonkyu loved katsudon. So these hands of mine decided to cook that when I was preparing earlier. I had to get up very early in the morning, but it did not matter, as long as I could make something that would make Soonkyu happy. Like what she did to me.

During lunch break, if my class was dismissed first, I would go to her class and waited for her. If hers finished first, she would go to mine. That was what we did almost everyday after the day I opened up to her.

Then, we would find a quiet place to talk and share the food we brought that day. I gave the lunch box I prepared that day and asked her to open it, waiting for that happy face of her to appear.

"Omo! Katsudon ! I love this!" She squeaked joyfully. "Did you prepare this?"

"Yes, I did" I answered. I was shy to admit it, but I couldn't help but hoping for a praise from , or a pat on my head.

"Thank you, Taengoo" She mentioned my nickname. "I really really love it!"

We ate while discussing our classes, sometimes gossiping our teachers and friends. Even after we finished everything in the lunch box, we would still be talking. Then, there would come my favorite part.

I would lean my head on Soonkyu's shoulder and closed my eyes. Her shoulders, the place where I felt like I was leaning on one of the carefree clouds in the sky, were so comfortable and relaxing that I never wanted the bell to ring ever again.

Soonkyu would ask me how I was feeling that day, and would occasionally my head and leaned her own head onto mine. It felt like we had our own world, and I didn't know if Soonkyu did that for my sake, so that I would never have to cut myself again, but even if that was her reason it did not matter.

I stopped cutting because of her. She gave me her shoulders to lean on, her ears to listen, and her hands to touch. I changed because of her. I was excited to go to school. The time I usually used to cry on my own bed at home was changed to the time I thought of her and smiled to myself.

Everything about her changed me and comforted me, but never did I know that what I was feeling toward her was rooting deeper and deeper in my heart. Never did I realize that I had fallen in love with her. And when I did realize it, it was already too late.

I had never fallen in love before, but I knew exactly how jealousy felt like. It was a mixed feeling of anger and pain at the same time when you hoped you could be someone else in a situation, or in this case, that girl.

That girl whom Soonkyu told me. That girl whom Soonkyu said she always looked at during the class. That girl whom Soonkyu said had a very interesting personality and was very attractive.

"Soonkyu-yah" I peeked into her class after waiting for all the other students to walk out of the classroom until I was sure Soonkyu was the only one left inside.

Instead of finding her usual lonely self, I found her hugging a girl. I had never met the girl she always talked about, but even in one glance I knew she was that one person. The smile on my face dropped and I was about to walk away of the classroom again.

"Oh, Taeyeon-ah" She greeted me like nothing was different from usual. "This is Jessica, the girl I told you about"

"Yah, you talk about me behind my back?" The girl playfully slapped her arms.

"Hey, I can't help it okay. You're too attractive"

I felt another pang on my heart.

"H- Hi, Jessica-ssi" I muttered.

"Taeyeon-ah, do you mind if Jessica joins us for the lunch? The more the merrier right?" I saw Soonkyu dragging her with her hands.

Those were the hands which used to only hold me and me only. I wanted to say no. I wanted to rebel. I wanted Soonkyu for myself only. When the long periods of boring classes ended, break times were the only times I had Soonkyu for me.

But I was powerless and nodded slowly.

* * *

My phone vibrated for the third time that day. The first two messages were from my parents, telling me to visit my grandparents after work. I had been wishing there would be no message from her.

I was literally shaking a bit when I took my phone once more and slided the unlock button. I could feel my heart stopped beating for a second when I saw her name was finally on the screen. I took a short, but deep, breath before opening the chat box.

I really want to talk to you, please. I will be waiting at the cafetaria this afternoon. Please come.

I put the phone abruptly on the table and squeezed my eyeballs with my fingers. I didn't know what to do. Did she still... Did I still have a feeling for her?

No, I didn't have anymore feelings for her. That feeling had gone away ever since that day, and I was sure it would never come back again. I would never let myself to be hurt for the second time.

So, if I had no more such feelings, why should I be afraid to face her? I didn't have any reasons to avoid her again, right?

When lunch break came, I was contemplating for a while in my own room. Preparing my heart, I finally set myself. I stood up and tidied up all the folders and stuffs I had just finished on the corner of the desk. I took my phone and wallet with me and stepped out of the room.

It was unexpectedly not too crowded at the cafeteria that day, making me easier to find Soonkyu and for her to meet my gaze. She smiled and seemed happy that I finally wanted to meet and talk to her.

"I thought you wouldn't come" She began.

"Well" I pretended to look at the menu. "It won't hurt to have a company for lunch sometimes"

"That's true. We could do it often, just like back in school days"

I stopped flipping the menu's pages when I heard that. I gulped secretly.

"Taeyeon-ah" Here she came. "Can't we go back to those days?"

I wanted to avoid the topic, but I knew I couldn't anymore. So I locked our eyes together.

"I don't want to be close to anyone ever again"

"You know I didn't mean to hurt you, Taeyeon"

"I know, and it's not your fault. It was my fault for relying myself on you too much"

"You're depressed those days, but you aren't anymore" She continued. "You are getting better now"

"I.. I just can't"

"Why?" She sounded desperate. "What happened actually, Taeyeon? Why have you been avoiding me since that day? Why are you hiding from me?"

I held on tightly to my own trousers, trying to stop myself from bursting out into tears in front of her.

* * *

Cut.

It had been quite a while since I didn't do it, but I had no other choice.

There was less Soonkyu these days since she was too busy with her other girl. The pain that was usually eased by her simple existence now came back and didn't have a place to escape. So it stayed in, hurting me like it used to do, and grew even worse.

I knew I was an unattractive girl, so no wonder Soonkyu fell in love with another girl and not me. I was not a fun person to talk with and not an attractive girl to be dated. I was not the happy-cheerful type of girl who could make Soonkyu laugh the way the other girl did.

I was horrible, wasn't I? Wasn't it better if I went back to cutting? No? It wouldn't solve the problem? Cutting or not, no one wanted to be close with someone like me. So why bother trying to stop?

I sighed in relief when I saw the drops of blood that I hadn't seen for a few months until then. I saw the Band-Aid and the alcohol bottle I hadn't used for a while. I stood up in the cubicle of the toilet I hadn't visited again.

After tidying up everything, I unlocked the cubicle and was about to step out with a convinced feeling that no one would see me. But suddenly, someone grabbed my hand from behind. I yelped in shock and turned around to see who it could be.

"I knew you must be running away here"

It was her.

"Why are you here?" I asked, didn't even bother if I sounded rude.

"Because I was worried about you. You spend less time with me and Jessica these days, and always go somewhere alone by yourself again. Why do you think I'm here now?"

"Yeah, like you care about me"

She furrowed her eyebrows. "What do you mean?"

"Why don't you just pay attention that attractive girl and forget about me!?"

"What do you mean by paying attention to that attractive girl? Who exactly do you mean?"

"Alright" I tried to calm down, as calm as possible. "Just tell me honestly, do you have a feeling for Jessica?"

"..."

"Tell me honestly, Soonkyu! Do you love her!?"

"Yes, I do" From her voice, I knew she was being honest.

But that honest answer broke me into pieces. It hurt, hurt, hurt very much that even my new fresh wound would be nothing compared to it. The pain was too stinging that I didn't even feel cutting would be enough to replace it.

"You can date her" My voice was trembling. "You can go date her and stop caring about me"

"What!?" Soonkyu tried to catch my hand one more time, but I quickly released it again. "Why should I stop caring about you because I am falling in love with a girl!?"

"Because you have no idea of what you have done to me!" I shouted. "Do you realize it? You are more than just a friend to me. You are the one who has changed me, changed my life. Everything that you have done means special to me!"

"So what do you expect me to do?" She sounded confused. "Cut my friendship with Jessica? Is that what you want?"

"Forget it" I wiped my tears away and walked out of the dark restroom.

* * *

We were still in the middle of silence when our food came. I still had not answered her question. She started eating, with the waiting look still on her face. I stole some glances at her, hoping that she would throw away that caring face that could make me melted any time.

We finished our food with no words spoken at all. Soonkyu was looking at the clock by the time the waiters came to take our plates away. The only ones left on the table were two cups of coffee, and the unspoken feelings between us.

Seconds passed like what I felt had been hours before the girl who had grown into a woman in front of me finally broke the painful silence.

"I am so sorry" With that, she stood up and turned around, showing her back to me, and took a step.

The cafetaria hall was really quiet, enabling me to hear the loud sounds of her footsteps, the sounds of her walking away slowly. One step, two steps, three steps, and so on.

And I didn't know why, I dared myself to stand up.

"I was in love with you"

She stopped but did not turn back.

"Everything that you had done to me those days all meant special to me. I had never had anyone who cared about me the way you did"

I stopped, thinking for a while because I was running out of words, but then I realized I just needed to spill everything out and stopped beating around the bush.

"I felt jealous with Jessica at that moment because I was hoping I could be the one you loved. But I knew... I knew I wasn't anyone to you. You helped me because you felt pity toward me and because you thought of me as a friend. I was really hoping I could be more than someone you were helping. How I wished I had been Jessica at that time, being attractive, being someone fun to talk with and someone who could make you laugh"

I couldn't hold the tears anymore.

"But.. But I knew I would never be that kind of person. I… I was disappointed in myself. I'm so sorry, Soonkyu. I'm so sorry"

She hung her head low, not allowing me to see her face. I knew she would probably run away after hearing all of my selfish confession, of the selfish things I would have done to her.

But unexpectedly, she turned her head again, still looking at me with the same face I would never forget: her caring face. She took her steps to the spot where I was freezing on.

My body felt cold from head to toe and I felt numb, but not anymore when the warmth from her skin melted them all, when she pulled me into her hug. I could feel the shoulders I used to lean on, could see the ears I used to tell my stories to, and could see the hands I used to touch.

"If you felt like you weren't anyone to me" She whispered. "You actually were, and are, and will be in the future"

I cried harder, wetting her shirt.

"If you felt like you were disappointed in yourself, I will help you so you never have to be again in the future"

She noticed I was in my sobbing mess, so I felt her hand caressing my back to calm me down.

"Let's start fresh all over again, Kim Taeyeon" She carried on. "And let me see you as someone more than a friend. Let me see you more than someone I'm helping with"

Unconsciously, I nodded to her invitation, opening up myself for one more time. I didn't realize I missed her much that I did not want her to ever let go of this hug. But even though she let go, I knew she would hug me again in the future. We stayed there, with me in her embrace, for a while even until the lunch break was finished.

By then I realized, that I might not be someone she had dated, not someone she could have fun with, not someone she might find attractive, but someone who had had the courage to show her the most part of herself, and let her see what was inside.

* * *

I would like to thank my fellow author, who has also been a supportive friend: harlembeatfreak.