I ran as fast as I could. My sweats flooded all over my body, but I kept moving my legs quickly. I wanted to arrive home soon, to open the door of that room that I had not opened for a very long time. I wanted to open that old, dusty book full of photos; the photos where I kept all my old memories in.

The first time I saw her today in the office, I knew I had seen that face before. It was a very familiar face I knew from my younger days. With that memory in mind, I unlocked my house's gate and stepped inside like a flash.

"Welcome home, Miss Kim. Do you want some..."

"I am busy, I will eat the dessert later!" I answered my maid; not even bothering to look at her.

Once I got into my own bedroom, my hands found their way to the small drawer at the corner of my table.

"C'mon... It must be here. It must be inside" I mumbled to myself as I kept searching.

Suddenly, I heard the sound of a key. I pulled it impatiently and grinned to myself when I knew I had found the right key. Not wasting any second, I rushed to the other part of this big house of mine. I rushed and rushed, until I arrived in front of the brown door of a room.

I inserted the key and spun it in the right direction until a 'click' sound was heard. As if there was something inside, I took a peek first before I entered. When this whole body of mine was inside, I found my own heart beating faster unconsciously.

Hundreds of books awaited right in front of my eyes. They were the collection of albums, autobiographies, encyclopedias, and many other things my parents had compiled during their 50 years of life. However, among these hundreds of compilation, I had always known the way to find that one album.

I moved to the fifth drawer, traced my fingers along the books on the fifteenth row, and stopped right at the yellow book. I took it carefully, afraid that I would rip off some of the pages inside. I blew the dust off the cover and began opening the papers inside, one by one, until I saw her face.

* * *

I remember that day; it was just another usual boring day at school during my first year of senior high. Other girls would go chatting, eating, or playing outside together, but not me. When the bell showing break time had come rang, I would wait until the classroom was empty. Then, I would quietly take out a black pouch from inside my bag and made sure no one caught me.

It was not my lunch box. My parents were too busy quarrelling with each other everyday to make me a lunch. My brother? He was too busy dating his girlfriend to even care about my stomach. I brought the small pouch at the back of my jacket carefully until I reached the restroom. The school had three restrooms, but I always chose the furthest one. The one which was quite far from anybody’s reach, was dirty, and smelly.

There, I would open the pouch in one of the cubicles and took out what was inside: a cutter, some fluffy balls of cotton, and a Band-Aid.

You would probably have known what I did with those things. You could call me a psycho, but that's what I did every time I had the urgent need. I cut myself.

Don't ask me why, I didn't know. Every time I felt the pain, I just needed to do it. I needed to feel the release from the pain inside, and that painful feeling I felt on my very own skin was the answer.

You had no idea. You would ask: Why do you do this kind of thing? Why do you hurt yourself? Can't you find other things to lessen the pain?

You had no idea. When the sharp point of the tool started ripping through your flesh, the skin began dropping blood, and the nerves under it began sending unexplainable pain to your brain, that was when the unbearable honk of steel that cut your heart began to disappear. The moment the invisible scar becomes visible, was also the moment your heart grew calmer.

You had no idea, of being a lesbian, introverted girl who could only keep quiet because you at communicating and expressing yourself to others.

I cleaned the blood with the alcohol and finished by taping a Band-Aid over the scar. Usually, I would not make a very long scar; just a few inches enough to get rid of the tension. I put everything back into the pouch while planning the excuses to say in case some of my classmates asked about it. I planned to just answer with 'I hurt myself on the stairs' or 'I was being clumsy while running back to class', and that was quite believable, usually.

But that day, I didn't expect that things would go differently.

I was opening the door when I heard a loud noise, which was the result of the door banging someone's head, apparently.

"I'm so sorry!" I bowed my head as I heard the girl groaning in pain.

"Yeah you should be" She was still rubbing her own head. "What are you doing in this spooky restroom?"

"I- I..." I rolled my eyes, looking for an excuse. "I wanted to poop, but I was afraid it would make bad smell in the other restrooms, so I chose this one"

"Ah, I see" The hurt in the girl's face was gone, she was grinning now. "Well actually I was doing the same thing"

She stood up, cleaned and tidied up her uniform before facing me again. I thought she would just walk away, but out of my expectation, she offered her hand to me as she smiled.

"My name is Soonkyu. Nice to meet you" She continued.

"A- Ah. Okay... Uhm, my name is Kim Taeyeon" I nervously answered her.

She tilted her head. "Are you not going to give me a handshake?"

I took a glance at my own right hand. Dang it, I mentally scolded myself. I should have done it on the left hand today! My eyes went back to her and she was still staring at me, as if waiting for me to make a move. I finally took out my right hand and could only hope she wouldn't notice it.

"Oh my, what happened to your hand?" She widened her eyes.

God, she did notice.

"Uhm, that..." I pretended to scratch my head innocently. "I fell down on the stairs earlier"

"You need to be careful next time"

"Yeah, of course I will"

I felt relieved that she didn't ask further questions about that one fresh scar of mine. We continued with conversations about which classroom we came from, which homeroom teacher we got, and other school stuffs. By the time we were talking about the food in our school cafeteria, I just realized that she was really an interesting girl to talk with. It was strange because I just knew her, but it was also true that I found myself comfortable when talking to her.

"Well then I need to go back to my class" She pouted when we heard the bell rang again. "Taeyeon-ah, it's nice talking to you"

"Yeah, me too. It's really comfortable talking to you"

"Let's talk again some other time"

"Sure"

She gave me a smile and went away, which left me mesmerized. My school had a lot of girls, had many pretty girls, but that was the only time I could actually talk to one. Never did I know that my cutting routine would bring me to her that day.

However, once I felt a stinging pain on my arm, I was reminded of myself. My happiness was gone once again, knowing that things such as long-term friendship would never occur to me. To me, Soonkyu was an interesting girl. But to her, I was probably just another person she randomly talked to in a day.

“She would not remember you anyway, Kim Taeyeon”, I said to myself as I walked back to my own classroom.

* * *

I did not even realize I was smiling when I looked at that one picture of me and her. The first picture Soonkyu and I took together. I remember it was when...

"Miss Kim" The voice of my maid and the sound of her fingers knocking the door woke me up from my thoughts.

I closed the book. "Yeah?"

"There's a call for you"

"Who is it from?"

"A woman named Lee Soonkyu"

I felt as if my heart stopped beating for a second. Soonkyu called me? Did she remember me? I brought the book with me and followed my maid to the living room, where she received the call from. I took a deep, long breath before I brought the phone to my ear.

"H- Hello"

"Yah, Kim Taeyeon"

The moment I heard that cute, beautiful voice of hers, I almost broke into tears.

"Soonkyu" That's the only thing I could say.

"What do you mean by 'Soonkyu'" She said in a scolding tone. "How could you say nothing when we met earlier in the office?"

"I'm sorry. That's... I was too shocked"

"I'm lucky I still have your home phone number"

"I thought you wouldn't remember me"

"...Why do you think I would not?"

"Because" I tried holding back my tears. "Because I was just another girl to you"

That brought us into moments without words. I bite my lips and was preparing to say what I wanted to say before I heard her voice again.

"Taeyeon" Her voice was as clear as crystal. "You know that's not what I meant. You were really precious to me as a best friend. I wouldn't call you right after I get back home if you're not important-"

"I know. I know. Everything that you want to say to me, I know it already. I am precious to you as a best friend, that's it"

I had hoped for more, Lee Soonkyu. And I still did.

"Then... Are we still friends now?" She went on with a question.

"Yes, we are"

"Taeyeon, are you really okay?"

More tears dropped from my eyes. I could only wipe them away, calming myself so my voice sounded convincing enough.

"Yes, I am okay"

I was never okay, Lee Soonkyu.

* * *

At least, that was what I thought after my first meeting with Sunny that day. But I had never expected that Soonkyu would come to my class the next few days. I was about to go for my cutting routine when I found her standing in front of my desk that afternoon.

"You still remember me?"

"Why do you think I wouldn't?"

"Well" I paused. "I thought I was just another random person to you"

"I won't even remember your class if you're just another random person right?"

I didn't know why, but that made me smile. It was the first someone had ever said that to me.

"C'mon, let's go have lunch together, Taeyeon-ah"

I had never expected, not to mention wish, that I could grow closer to Soonkyu. Yeah, I had never known that we would spend our daily lunch time together, talking and knowing more about each other.

Weeks passed and even though we grew closer as friends I still didn't find the courage to tell her about my cutting problem. If I told her, would she be angry? Would she be scared of me and think of me as a girl with a mental disorder? Would she stop being my friends? Maybe, I should just let things as they were. I could grow closer to Soonkyu without telling her about this, right?

But as much as I wanted to keep it hidden forever from her, the truth would come out sooner or later. That particular day, when I woke up, I heard loud voices shouting at each other right outside of my bedroom.

"You shut up! You stop talking s you bastard!!"

The heavy, deep voice of my dad echoed to the whole corner of my room.

"You are the one who should shut up!! You are the bastard in this house!!"

The high-pitched voice of my mom filled the room right after that.

I closed my ears with my pillow. My body soon trembled greatly from head to toe as more and more yells came out of my very own parents' mouths.

"You ! If you keep shouting I will kill you!"

I heard the loud sound of a bump on one's body and I jolted up on my bed. I ran as fast as possible and opened the door, only to find my dad beating my mom with his big, muscular hands.

"Dad stop!!" I pulled my mom to my embrace, glaring at my dad.

"Taeyeon, dear" I felt my mom tugging at my pajama. "Taeyeon, honey, go to school. Let mom deal with this alone"

"You bastard kid, go to school and don't damn interfere with this!"

I shook my head. "I don't want to go to school! You are the one who should go out from this house! You make us suffer!"

Without saying anything, he took the wooden chair from the corner of the room. He lifted it up high in the air and aimed it at me. He waited for a few seconds, maybe hoping for an apology from me for saying that.

But I couldn't stand it anymore.

"You want to throw it!? Go ahead! Do you even know how it feels to be dying!? I know it! Why do you think there are scars on my hands!? I cut myself and that's all because of you!"

I was waiting for him to throw the chair at me. I didn't even care if I died at that time. But that old man I called 'dad' slowly put the chair back to the ground, looking away to avoid my hurt eyes, which were still fixed at him.

He walked away, running down the stairs. I saw him opening the gate and not long after that, the car's engine was up. I waited a little longer until I was sure he was gone.

That same day at school, when the bell of the lunch break came, I sneaked out of the class as fast as I could. I just could not stand it anymore. I needed to cut, and Soonkyu could not know about it. With the small black pouch at the back of my jacket as usual, I stepped into the quiet, old building and found my way to the restroom soon after that.

The tears that I had tried to keep inside finally broke out. I leaned on the door and squatted down to bury my head between my own arms. Meanwhile, my hand automatically grabbed the pouch inside my jacket and my fingers opened it. I took out that one sharp tool and brought it near to my skin.

One, two, three drops of blood. I sighed in relief when I saw it coming. When I felt the pain in my heart was gone, just like the routine, I poured some alcohol on the cotton balls and used it to clean the wound. Then, this new fresh cut would be buried under another band-aid. After tidying up everything in the pouch once again, I stood up and wept away any trace of wet tears on my face. I breathed in before unlocking the key of the cubicle door, ready to face the real world once more.

"Taeyeon"

I was stopped by a voice. I looked up and saw her right in front of me. I saw her looking at my left arm where my wound was just carved on.

With sadness on her face, she took that arm and it gently.

"Please be honest and tell me what you did just now"

Our eyes met and I knew I could not escape anymore.