Summary: Lay wanted to apologize, but he still couldn’t find the right time. He was holding him back from going to where he truly belongs. The guilt that was holding him. It was their last Christmas together; it was their happiest yet the saddest.

When Lay woke up, it was an early morning in his office. His desk lamp light was on, and he realized that he has fallen asleep on his desk while reading some thesis. He looked at the clock idly as the time ticked by. Then, he sighed deeply while standing up. As he stand up from his chair, he heard his bone cracking. His joints ached from sleeping on the table, sitting down uncomfortably. He massaged his back a little before yawning and stretching at the same time. He came out of his office to the washroom in order to wash himself for work. He scratched his head, then made his way to wash his face. After washing his face, he was drying his face with the towel next to the washstand. While drying his face, he realized a boy behind him through the mirror. Shocked by the sudden presence, he turn to his back immediately.

“What…” Lay started.

“You slept at your office on the table again.” The boy said.

“...How did you know?” he asked.

“It’s just intuition,” The boy replied with a smile.

“Then, what are you doing at this time?”  Lay asked.

“To see you…”

“Then, show your presence sooner...I was surprised.”

How can I do that? Chen asked jokingly with a huge grin on his face. As Chen said his words, Lay shaked his head in sadness. As he came out of his room, Chen followed after him; however, Chen’s footstep couldn’t be heard. Lay continuously turned back to check if Chen was behind him. In the end, Lay slow down and walked right next to Chen.

“Why?” Chen asked questioningly.

“It’s making me uncomfortable...I can’t be sure if you are actually behind me or not.” Lay answered back.

“Hehe, should I keep talking?” Chen asked while laughing.

“It’s okay.”

Despite the cold attitude Lay was displaying, Chen kept smiling. In the hallway, there were lots of nurses, doctors, and patients that were roaming around. Lay was simply greeting with a slight nod to the people he was passing by; meanwhile, Chen would greet with a bow stating “anyeonghasaeyo”  to every person his eyes met with. Even though Chen would greet them, the people around the hallway would only respond to Lay’s simple greeting, and they wouldn’t give any reaction to Chen’s. Although his greetings weren’t recognized, Chen would greet them nonetheless with a huge smile on his face. Lay frowned upon at Chen’s actions.

“Why...are you working so hard?” Lay asked.

“Huh?” Chen questioned back.

“Those people...they don’t even return your greeting,” Lay stated quietly, almost as close to murmur.

“It’s just that they can’t return it,” Chen stated matter of factly.

“Don’t waste your energy...only your neck would hurt from continuous bowing.” Lay said with a slight worry.

“I can’t be feel any pain….anymore,” Chen said with a sad smile on his face.

Lay stopped abruptly at Chen’s statement. Because of the sudden pause, Chen, who was walked ahead a little, stopped to turn back and look at Lay. Lay’s facial expression looked sad and was full of guilt.

“Is something wrong?” Chen asked with worry.

“Nothing...it’s just…” Lay couldn’t say anything.

“It’s been awhile since the incident...and you are still like this,” Chen said with a slight joking tone.

“You’re right...it’s been already past month,” Lay said quietly.

“Yup, time goes by really quickly, right?” Chen asked.

After his statement, Chen stared at Lay for an answer, but Lay seemed like he didn’t want to answer as he started to walk again. Chen smiled at Lay’s reaction as he followed after Lay. He was about to put his arm around Lay’s arm, but he stopped himself. Lay turned around to see Chen.

“You shouldn’t be doing this anymore...this is not good” Lay said to Chen.

“...You are right...I am a real idiot aren’t I,”

“But...shouldn’t you be get going soon,” Lay asked quietly.

“Yea...but...I still have some time left,”

“Really? Then, stay with me longer…”

There is too much people here. Lay murmured quietly before going inside his office, which Chen diligently followed him in. Lay closed the door, then sat down on his chair while Chen sat down on the bed next to the desk.

“There’s nice bed right next to you...but why do you always sleep on your desk?” Chen asked as if he couldn’t understand.

“I just crash whenever I am tired while reading some thesis.”

“But...you’re going to injure you back. You can get sick and ill really easily...like me….” Chen said the last part quietly in which Lay could barely catch it.

“You didn’t get your health deteriorated...you were just really weak since young…”

“Still…” Chen said weakly.

As Chen weakly stated his statement, Lay could only look at Chen in sadness. The coffee on his desk from last night was cold, and the plant his patient gave him as a present was dead long ago.

“How long?” Lay asked.

“Huh?”

“You...have to get going soon...how long do you have until then?” Lay asked again

“Not much….like really little bit more…”

Chen looked at the ground in sadness. He wanted to touch Lay, but he couldn’t. Both stayed silent for long, until the PDA inside Lay’s white coat rang. Lay took out the PDA and answered while standing up from his chair. He made a serious expression before stating that he would get there immediately. He hanged up and looked at Chen for a little bit.

“Is it emergency patient?” Chen asked with a curiosity.

“It’s an arrest (Cardiac arrest: Where your heart stop momentarily) patient.”

“This time you can do well...Make sure you can save the patient this time,” Chen said as in encouragement.

“...”

Lay was silent.

“If you don’t do that...you are the one who will always be sad…” Chen said sadly.

“I will be back…”

Then, Lay ran out of his office, even forgetting to close the door. Chen was able to see the hallway through the open door. He stood up from the bed, where he was sitting, and he went right behind the door. He looked at the door worriedly.

Need to close the door….

He stared at the door until a passing nurse closed the door.

--

After a while, Lay came back to his office with a tired expression. He looked around to see Chen sleeping on his bed. Not wanting to wake Chen up, he didn’t turn on the lights; however, Chen woke up by himself.

“Oh..you woke up. You should sleep more,” Lay said.

“I didn’t sleep...I can’t sleep,” Chen said his eyes on the ground with sadness.

“Ah…” Lay looked at Chen to see the expression he was making.

“Also, you can turn on the lights now. It doesn’t matter now…” Chen said with a smile.

Lay made his way to the light before flicking to turn it on.

“Oh...and why are you still here? Don’t you have to get going.” Lay asked while taking off his white gown.

Chen didn’t reply; he just stayed silent. Lay, being worried, looked at Chen again. Ironically, unlike the usual Chen, who is always happy and optimistic, he looked distraught and sad.

“Is there something wrong?” Lay started out slowly.

“Truthfully….today’s the last day…” Chen said, his eyes still on the ground.

Lay’s eyes widen in shock.

“You have to let me go now…” Chen continued.

“...”

Lay looked at Chen with so much expression, but the expression that was most clear was sadness. Chen just looked at Lay before pulling his lips to a small smile

---------------------------------------------------------

One and a half month ago was Chen’s surgery. Chen had MEN (Multiple Endocrine Neoplasia) type 1. This illness causes multiple organs to gain tumor at the same time. By the time his illness was discovered, Chen already started to gain tumors on his pituitary gland and pancreas. They needed to give immediate attention; it required surgical treatment. The surgery was lead by Lay.

Few hours before the surgery, Lay visited Chen. They weren’t just doctor and patient; there were much more to it.

Chen seemingly wanting to get rid of his nervousness was listening to music through earphones. Lay approached Chen quietly and took the earphone out of one ear. Chen surprised by the sudden presence looked at Lay, then made a huge grin on his face.

“What is it?” Chen asked jokingly.

“Are you nervous?”

“A little...no, a lot,” Chen stated matter of factly.

“Don’t be too worried...everything will be alright,”

“Yup...so don’t worry too much yourself as well, okay?” Chen said with optimistic tone. It didn’t sound like a patient who was about to get surgery in few hours.

“Okay…” Lay replied back with a small smile as well. Then, he reached up to Chen and his hair.

“Doctor…” Chen began slowly.

“hmm?”

“After I am done with my surgery, can you grant me my wish?” Chen asked with a slight plea.

“Wish? What is it?”

“I want to sleep with you together.” Chen stated quickly

“Huh?”

The hand that was Chen’s hair stop in shock. Chen just looked at Lay with an innocent smile with a pure intent. Lay started to laugh as he realized that he was the only one thinking of a wrong idea. He was embarrassed by his own mind.

“Okay, let’s sleep together.” Lay said with a smile.

“Yay, I am going to try my best! I am going to make sure I am not going to lose to my illness,” Chen said cheerfully.

“Yes, I am sure you will do well.” Lay said encouragingly.

They looked at each other in silence sincerely. Lay then bend down a little pecking Chen on his lips. Lay thought that Chen’s face was beautiful with a blush creeping up on his face.

“Chen?” Lay called.

“Yea…” Chen replied still blushing from the small peck.

“After the surgery, let’s do something like this more…” Lay said scratching his cheek in slight embarrassment.

“Yea...let’s do it,” Chen replied back with a blush.

“I have to get going now and prepare...don’t worry too much, I am sure you are going to do well.” Lay said before Chen’s cheek.

“See you later…”

After Chen’s cheek once, Lay went out of the patient’s room. Chen just looked at the door that was closed where Lay just went out. His hand reached up to his face and touched his face, feeling the warmth Lay left. He looked around to see a book Lay has gifted him. He picked up the book and open the cover. The book was just a short story, and it was titled, “The Gift of Magi” by O’ Henry.

He silently read the story again and again...slowly waiting for his time for his surgery. Chen, as he read the story, wanting to give Lay a Christmas gift of his own.  A gift where it will meant so much to each other.

--

“ARREST! ARREST!”

“GET READY FOR CPR RIGHT NOW!”

Chen’s surgery became a mess. Lay was in sweating mess in order to save Chen from going to the other world. He didn’t want to give up, but it was too late. The surgery room was filled with an unpleasant sound of long high toneed beep that told the ending of one’s life. Lay just collapsed on the floor from sadness and anger to himself.

He looked at the clock that was hanging slowly with a tear brink on his eyes.

“19:27:32….Patient…dead....from heart stopping”

In the end, the tears that were hanging from the corner of his eyes dropped down slowly. He looked at Chen again. Chen’s face was cold and pale without any trace of life. Lay kissed Chen on the forehead before covering his face with white cloth. As Chen was getting removed from the room to the other room that indicated patient’s death, Lay just stood there lifeless with tears rolling down under his eyes.

---------------------------------------------------------

“I have to get going now…I can’t stay here any longer…I can’t go if you are holding me...you have to let me go...” Chen said with sadness.

“...Chen…”

“It’s not your fault...you know that right?” Chen said.

“...”

“You don’t have to be guilty anymore...I know I was loved by you and I know how much you cried for me after I left this world as a living. I am happy with that…” Chen said with a smile, but his voice was shaking.

“...”

“Now, you have to find a good person for you own too. You should forget about me and live happily living on your life. And...I have to get going too...You don’t want me to wander around this world as a spirit.”

From the tone Chen was going on, Lay realized that it had now came to the parting he wanted to deny for so long. Lay didn’t want to part with Chen, but he knew that he has let Chen go. Soon, without realizing, tear dropped down from Lay’s eyes.

“W-why are you c-crying?” Chen asked surprised.

“No...I am not crying…”

“Don’t cry….I can’t even wipe it off for you…” Chen said distraughtly.

“I am so sorry...Chen…”

“Doctor…”

“I wanted to apologize...In truth, I knew that I was holding you back but I was holding you because I wanted to apologize….If I let you go...I felt like I might not be able to apologize nor properly let you go…”

“...”

“...but….the time has finally came where I have to let you go...I am sorry Chen...that I was holding you back until now...I am so sorry…”

Lay continued on while crying out his tears. Chen wanted to wipe the tears for Lay, but he stood there in sadness. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to wipe it off for Lay. Chen knew that his hand would go right through him. He bit his lips in return. Lay realizing that Chen was upset quickly wiped his tears with his hand. But, it was the same for Lay. Lay couldn’t touch Chen and stop him from biting his lips.

“Lay…”

“...”

“You don’t have to sorry…I want to thank you...”

“I didn’t do anything to get any thanks”

“I know I died earlier than normal people, and I am mad at the illness that made me go on much earlier. But, I am thankful to be able to be loved. That I was able to know what it was like to be loved.”

“...”

“Thank you….Now, I can go on without any regrets…”

“...”

“Hey...doctor….it’s not only your fault that I stayed longer than intended. Did you know that today’s Christmas…?”

“...”

“Merry Christmas,” Chen said with a smile, but it was evident that tears were rolling down under his eyes.

Soon, the room was filled with silence, and the light was turned off.

--

Lay woke up from the loud ringing of an alarm clock. He looked next to him as he raise himself up. There was no one next to him, and he looked at the empty spot in sadness. He felt like he could still feel the warmth.

The day before Chen left, as Chen wished, they slept together on the same bed. It has been 49th day since Chen has left to the other world completely. Chen, who was staying in the living world because of Lay’s guilt, was finally able to move on, and Lay was able to move on on his own as well. Lay remembered the last night with Chen again. To him, it would be the best Christmas he ever had with Chen, but at the same time, the saddest Christmas in his memory.

Chen...you have to be happy wherever you are because I will come and find you soon. For sure.

Lay put on his doctor’s gown before going out of his office. He felt like he could hear Chen’s voice from distant, which Lay smiled at the idea.

잘가, 첸...이젠 놓아줄게...사랑해 (我爱你).

Goodbye, Chen...I will let you go on and move on...I love you (wo ai ni)