‘Hanbin!!’

I ran as fast as I could. It was two hours before practice. One day before my new music video was supposed to be out. One week before our first comeback stage. I hadn’t even remembered the choreography.

‘I never knew I had this kind of courage.’

I was very sure when I got back to practice, Hee Chung-seonsaengnim is going to kill me over this. I don’t care, though. Or maybe deep down I actually care, I don’t know. It’s just, at this moment I’m not thinking clearly and I don’t even want to try to think clearly. Sometimes you just have to jump right in and give no s about the consequences, right? The hell with consequences, I will deal with it later.

‘Right now he is the main priority.’

“This is stupid. I don’t even know where he is right now, “ I said angrily while panting hard and reached my phone. I tried to call him several times. Still no answer.

Suddenly a text came. It was Bobby oppa.

“Try going to Hongdae Park. He might be there.“

I caught a cab, ignoring a bunch of sasaeng fans that tried to take pictures of me getting into cab. Ugh, I always hate sasaeng fans. I mean, how can people be so stupid and waste their life just to STALK people? Don’t they have better things to do? It’s just dumb no matter how you look at it.

“Ahjussi, please go to Hongdae Park,“ I said to the taxi driver. “ Please drive as fast as you can, I don’t care how much I have to pay. Just be there fast. “

I still tried to call his phone. Still no answer.

‘Ahhh, I don’t even know what to say when I met him. We don’t even talk to each other that much.’ I sighed. ‘Why do I have to be so awkward?’

I arrived at the Hongdae Park. I didn’t even care about the cost; I just put out all the money in my wallet and threw it to the backseat.

I started looking everywhere in that park. Good thing there weren’t many people at that time. At least he’s not by the bridge or on top of a tall building. ‘He’s in a park, nothing bad can happen here, right?’ I reassured myself.

And there he was.

It was around the time of the sunsets, so it was most probably because of the light and the sky. Or maybe the fact that there weren’t that many people there. But he looked so…. alone? Does this make sense? His back view weren’t as tough as it used to be, he was like a lost child in a park.

I approached him and sat on the bench beside him.

I knew he knew it was me sitting beside him, but he didn’t say anything. He just kept staring at the sky blankly.

We were in silence for almost 10 minutes until I finally broke the ice, “I’m sorry.”

He finally stopped pretending I wasn’t there and talked to me, “Why?”

“I feel like world owes you an apology.”

He chuckled a bit, “so you’re saying sorry in its stead?”

I nodded. “It’s seriously unfair. How could someone blame you for the things that your father have done? It just doesn’t make sense to me. I hate those freaking justice warrior who only cares about things when they can make it as a reason to hate someone. I doubt in real life they even care about doing ‘justice’. “

He suddenly laughed. Out loud. I think he laughed more that he should have because what I was saying wasn’t funny at all. “Is that funny to you?”

“It’s hilarious.”

“Me? Or netizens?”

“Both. But you’re funnier at the moment. “ He still couldn’t stop laughing.

“What’s so funny about this?” I asked, when he finally stopped laughing.

“I don’t know.”

Silence again.

‘God, we are so awkward. How could a conversation stop just like this? This kind of awkwardness isn’t something a normal person would encounter.’

“Did you think I was going to kill myself?” he asked.  “I’m not that weak, you know. “

His voice sounded like something I’ve never heard from him. It sounded so vulnerable and tired, like he’s had enough of this world, like he’s been fighting constantly with the world but right now all those fights have taken their toll on him and he won’t even bother to fight back because he just wants everything to end quickly. I really wanted to see the look in his face right now but I just didn’t have the courage.

I was flustered because of that question and decided to answer that by a question, “Why do you think I thought you were going to kill yourself?”

“I don’t know. Hmm, because I really did consider it? Haha. “

“YAH!!” I slapped him as hard as I can. “What do you think you’re saying, huh? And what’s with the laugh at the end? I’ve never heard such a bitter and insincere laugh before.”

“YAH!! Why are you hitting me?” He surprisingly didn’t sound mad. He just sounded a little bit annoyed.

“Everyone needs a good slap every once in a while.” I said.

Silence again.

“Isn’t it so tiring, being a human?” He said, “I want to be a monkey in my next life. It must be fun; all you have to do is playing all day. “

“You’re saying nonsense, “ I said.

“Isn’t it stupid? Everyone knows every human in this world is not perfect, but everyone always expect everyone else to be perfect and never makes mistakes. We all live in constant pressure to please everyone else but the sad thing is, no one cares about what you’ve done but once you make mistakes, they suddenly care, “ he said, and then chuckled bitterly, “especially when it comes to me.”

‘I feel like the most useless person in the world for not knowing what to say in this situation.’

“Jiyong-hyung is right. One mistake, and everyone turns their back on you,” he laughed again, “the , it’s not even my mistake this time. “

He took a long and deep sigh, “what do they expect me to do? To say I’m sorry, go to military and reflect for the rest of my life, giving up my dreams and just ditching every-damn-thing I’ve built here? Will that give back the money to every victim? Will my sadness magically fix the mess my dad has done? So why do they really want to see me suffer and complain every time I look happy? Do they think I’m not just as shocked and disgusted as they are to know that the money I used came from someone else’s money? If anything, I feel a whole lot worse than them.”

He picked a big rock near the bench and threw it as hard as he could. I didn’t see his face but I thought he was so pissed and angry.

“I mess up every chance I have been given. I failed to lead my team to victory in WIN, I ed up and embarrassed me AND my company in Show Me the Money, and when we are finally getting ready for debut after that crap show Mix and Match, I, as the leader, is the one that holds everything back, “ he sounded very calm but I could still sense anger and disappointment in his voice. “I’m afraid of my future; it feels like the best days of my life have passed and everything will just go downhill from now on. “

“But I can’t just quit here, right? I have contracts to fulfill and trainee debts to pay. And those people expect me to pay for my father’s debt to the victims. Yah! Do they think 24 billion is not a lot of money? Do they think idols could easily make millions like that, huh?” he said, and he laughed a bit. “It’s funny how they think we are so rich when we are dirt poor like this. Haha.”

I gained all my courage to look at him right in the eye. I wanted to tell him that everything is going to be okay. I wanted to tell him that all the bad things that have happened will eventually ends. I wanted to tell him that he is a good person and he doesn’t deserve any of this . I wanted to tell him that we all got his back whenever he needs us. I wanted to tell him that I got his back whenever he needs me. I wanted to tell him to cry it all out and spill everything. There were just so many things in my head I wanted to tell him right now and it because I can’t express my feelings to him really well.

And then I started crying, all the feelings I had just burst in tears.

“Are you crying?” he asked, he sounded so flustered and didn’t know how to handle a girl crying in front of him.

I just kept crying.

“Are you crying?”

“Of course I’m crying, idiot!” I unknowingly yelled at him a little bit. “What do you think I’m doing right now? Somersault-ing?”

“YAH!! Why are you yelling at me? I should be the one crying, you know. “

I didn’t answer. I just kept crying.

He suddenly put his hand around my head and put my head in his shoulder. He started to pat me in the back. “Don’t cry anymore, okay? It’s very sad seeing you cry like this. “

I just kept crying worse. ‘How would you expect a girl not to cry more after you said something like that to her??’

He just kept patting my back continuously. It was very, very, very…. awkward. But it was very comfortable and calming, too. Does that make sense?

I started sitting straight and put off my head from his shoulder. I was starting to make up my mind and sort out all the things I wanted to say to him.

I can’t. Instead of calm, logical, inspiring, mature, positive words I should have said to him, all that came from my mouth were bunch of stuttering and childish words.

“It’s just so…. unfair. It’s unfair. How could the world be so mean towards such a hardworking human? It’s unfair. God knows that humans are powerless so why does he keep doing this to us? I’m sorry I at expressing what I feel, but the world is so unfair towards you that I’m so mad.” I burst into tears again. “You don’t deserve this crap.”

Silence again, my crying was the only voice between us.

I started again, “Were you the one who did the crime and stole all those people money? No. So why are they coming after you? Because every child has to pay for their parents’ sins? Bull, this is not Joseon Era.”

I think I spent the next 10 minutes sobbing and complaining how the world is so unfair towards him.

Hanbin laughed again. 

“Thank you.” Hanbin said. “Really, thank you. I can’t even express how happy I am right now because someone actually cares about me. Ahhh, I don’t usually at expressing my feelings but when it comes to you, it’s just… I can’t.”

“Everyone cares about you, seriously. I know this sounds very cliché, but please don’t feel like you’re fighting alone, “ I said. “You don’t know how much of a mess you’re causing right now because you went missing.”

“Thank you.”

Silence again. Is it weird that I am starting to like this kind of awkward silences between our conversation? It feels like something natural to happen.

“I should’ve stopped crying by now. I don’t know why I became so sentimental tonight. I’m not usually like this. “ I said. “I should be the one comforting you but you ended up comforting me instead. Sorry. “

“It’s okay. “ He sounded hesitated for a moment. “Just think of this as you crying for my stead since my tears have been used up too much these days.”

Hanbin got up and stretched his muscles a bit. I think he’s been sitting here for too long.

“Let’s go back. “ He said, with a very happy voice, while offering his left hands to me and told me to get up. “I really think my mind has been refreshed now, thank you, Hayi-ah.”

I reached his left hand and we held hands, and then he put our hands in his jacket pocket. “Aaaah, it’s very cold right now,” he said.

‘You don’t know how much this gesture means to me, Hanbin-ah. You don’t know how much your voice calling my name means to me.’  I hope I wasn’t saying that out loud due to how ing happy I was.

We walked in silence while holding hands. It was very comfortable; I hope we could stay like this forever.

“Hayi, I want to say something to you, but please don’t look at me while I’m saying this.”

“What?” I looked at him.

“YAH!! I said don’t look. “

“Okay, okay. What is it?”

“You looked very pretty when you cried. “

I was very happy. Wait, I don’t think it was happiness that I felt at the moment, it was more like… I don’t know, it’s something I’ve never felt before. It felt like my mind was about to explode and my temperature suddenly rise a few degree and my heart beats faster than usual and some weird creatures in my stomach keep hurting me inside. But I’m happy. Is this what love feels like? Or is it just another crush? Is this what they are saying by having butterflies in your stomach? It felt like a… mess. I think that’s the most appropriate word to describe it. But it was a good kind of mess, I think.

I couldn’t even reply to him anything so I just stayed in silence. I was so glad he told me not to look because my face must have become red like a lobster right now.

I just grabbed his hands tighter. I have a weird feeling we wouldn’t be able to do this anytime soon and I really-really-really don’t want this time to end.

Can’t we just stop the time, please? Like, right now?