I've seen many autumns but somehow, it's different here. 

It's been a long time, Seoul.

I've wanted to come back for so long. Now that I'm back, I don't know what to do. It's still a familiar place, but somehow, it's strange, too. I've decided to let my feet bring me to wherever they still know to go to. How can I know and not know where I'm going at the same time?

The delicious aroma of egg bread from a street vendor hooked my nostrils over to where they are. My hand shot up to discreetly wipe the corner of my mouth because I literally just salivated. The ahjumma, eyes quick, caught the whole thing ang chuckled, saying, "Aigoo, you must be really hungry. Here, these are freshly made. Quickly eat them while they're still hot!"

A little embarrassed and really grateful, I accepted the bread she gave me and took a huge bite. I let out a satisfied sigh. It was heaven in my mouth. Handing her the payment, I thanked her once more and walked along while eating. It's nice to be on a break in this place. Since birth until I left, I've only ever taken these surroundings for granted. 

Well, not really. There was once... once in all of my life when all the usual things looked different, and everything and everyday had in store something new and exciting. 

I smiled as I took the last bite of my egg bread. That time, it was autumn as well, much like today. Like a fool, I wasn't paying attention and almost injured a complete stranger along with myself. I was lucky that she was a strong and alert girl. She saved me that day, she thinks from being run over by a bicycle, but it was more than that.

I was tired of life back then. At a young age, I was tired of it. I felt like I was just waking up just to go through the days until the day that I had to die. If it happened sooner, I felt that it would've been better because I wouldn't have to suffer too long. But that day she saved me, it woke me up. It completely recolored my monochromatic world. 

I was so out of it that day we met that I forgot to even ask for her name. I didn't even realize what happened until I got home and couldn't get to sleep that day. The image of her concerned face asking me if I was hurting anywhere kept on floating in and out of my mind. Her timid smile and innocent wave goodbye when I rushed off was what I dreamt of when I finally fell asleep. And the moment I woke up the next day, I knew I had to find her again.

I didn't know where to begin. All I knew was that I met her at Gwanghwamun, and that's where I'll find her again.

I did. I saw her again, and I almost threw my job away to go with her wherever she wanted to go that day. I saw the surprise in her face when I met her during rush hour one Tuesday morning, weeks after we first met. I had been going to work early, putting in all my effort to finish my job well and quickly without having to have revisions, going out for lunch and for 10-minute breaks to look for her in the square that whole time, hoping that she'd appear. I'd go home later than everyone as well, thinking that the more time I spent in the office, the more chances I get to see her since the square is right across the road. 

Without meaning to, because of her, I put out the best work I've ever had in the company, and that got me noticed by management. It came as a total surprise to me back then, that promotion. It was the last thing I expected out of a job that I thought was slowly turning me into a mindless drone. For the first time in what seemed like forever, I saw purpose in living, if only to see her again and give her whatever she asked for as a gift for giving me back my life.

Like that, I put my trust in Gwanghwamun to bring us together once more.

"Watch out! Watch out!"

I automatically stepped towards the inside of the sidewalk. As if knowing what I was thinking about, the universe decided to kid me with a replay of that day. Very funny, universe.

But wait... what is this? It looks like that gazebo, the one by the street corner by Gwanghwamun Square, the same one where we first met that day...

I stopped and looked around. Just over there was unmistakably the statue of Admiral Yi Sun Shin. And even though I can't see it yet, King Sejong is seated just a few yards behind, and further is Gyeongbokgung's Gwanghwa Gate.

When did I get here?

I chuckled, drawing curious glances from people who were waiting with me for the light to change. I smiled nonchalantly, but also cast myself a curious glance deep inside. After all this time, this is where my feet take me. I should have known.

Beep beep beep beep. Beep beep beep beep.

The sound of the green "walk" light began, and my heartbeat beat in tune with it as I crossed the street. What was this? Why was I suddenly nervous?

Who was I kidding? I knew why. At the back of my head, a GPS has been set for my feet to follow directions to this place. After years of walking foreign roads, they never forgot the way here. My unfinished business took place at the end of this square, the thing that has haunted me for the last two years, and try as I might to deny it, it's the reason I came back.

Who can forget a day like that? I never thought that I'd do something that I've only seen in dramas I said I hate but secretly enjoy watching. The year we spent together was the shining beacon in the dullness that's my life. The love songs I sang along in the shower finally made sense. It was the first time I ever bought sunglasses because the sun literally seemed brighter that it's blinding to walk in sunlight - and I felt like I was walking in sunlight everyday. For the first time, I saw what people saw in having a future with somoene. I worked harder. I wanted to become better, so that one day, when she needed anything, I can give her anything. 

That, I think, is when I got greedy. That, I think, is where the end began.

I ran so hard that day, slipping a few times because of the wet pavement. Why did it have to rain on that day out of all days? 

As if on cue, a couple drops of precipitation landed on my nose, then on my cheek. The cold brought me back to the present. My breath caught in my throat. Finally, my feet have arrived. I smiled as my eyes took in the familiar concrete benches by the walls of the round park. People are starting to run this way and that, looking for the nearest roof to stand under. But I welcome the rain. I've missed it.

I found that same bench I waited at and fell asleep on that day when I first kissed her. Sitting on it again, the happy memory brought tears to my eyes. I closed them, and let the tears fall. If I could feel that happy again... If I could just feel you again...

The drizzle turned into full-on rain, but I didn't want to budge from my seat. Let the rain drown this longing for the memory of a kiss. If only I had listened to you. If only I hadn't gone like that. If only I ran faster that day...

2 years ago

"Dude, you look tired." my replacement, Henry, commented. "Go home. I'll take care of things here. You've got a flight to catch in... wow, 6 hours."

He placed his damp jacket over the back of his chair and sat. Looks like it was raining hard. I hope the traffic isn't horrible. I need to get home quickly.

"Thanks, man. I'm just cleaning up the last things I have here, then I'll head out." I replied, throwing whatever's still in my desk drawer into a box. Henry continued to watch me do so after I turn down his third offer to help. He's a nice guy, and I'm kinda bummed that I won't have enough time to get to know him more.

"Alright, that's about it," I announced as I shoved the last pieces of paper into the box. "Let me just put this outside."

"Wait, hey, don't forget this. It fell from your notebook thing..." he said, handing me a polaroid. 

I stopped breathing when I turned it around. It was our first ever couple photo, Lily and I. In that place.

"I... know I'm new and I shouldn't be asking personal questions yet, but... is she... did you guys... break up?" Henry asked tentatively.

It must've been written on my face. After all, it's only been a week ago. That big row, and Lily's resigned tone when I angrily asked us to just break up to get it over with. 

I didn't want her to let me go that easily, but it may be for the best as well. I sighed and gave Henry a sad smile. I need to get out of here quickly. I need air. My lungs don't seem to be working.

"H-hold on, can I see that again?" Henry asked, grabbing the photo still in my hand. He is a foreigner, so I give him allowance for weirdness, but isn't asking to look at someone's ex's photo a bit too much? I was about to protest when he blurted out, "Wait a minute. I know her. She's that lady in that park."

My eyes grew in shock. What was he talking about? Did he really meet Lily? What park? At Gwanghwamun? Was Gwanghwamun giving her to another guy, now that I'm leaving?

Maybe I shouldn't go?

"What do you mean? Lady in the park?" I asked, taking the photo back.

"Yeah, her. I got a little lost on my first day going here that I ended up at the other side of the street. I passed by that circular park thing with the trees and stone benches connected to the walls. She was there sitting on a bench. She looked kind enough so I asked her for directions." Henry related. "I've also been going to that ginseng chicken soup place near here, and come to think of it, I've seen her every day since then..."

Everyday?

"You've been here exactly a week, right?" I asked.

Henry nodded, his expression a little confused as to why I'm asking.

One week. He's seen her there every day he went out. Could she be...?

"Kyuhyun sunbae! Where are you going?!" I heard Henry call after me as I dashed out of the office without a word.

I squeezed my eyes shut and wiped away the tears and rain on my face. This was ridiculous. Just because I'm in the same place, all the same feelings are coming back. I thought that two years was enough to have them diluted just a little bit, but... Right now, in this place, it didn't feel right to not be with her.

I laughed, remembering that cheesy promise I made her one day, a promise that I tried but failed to keep at the last moment. 

"I ran so hard to get to you that day, Lily," I said out loud, not caring whether other people think I'm weird for talking to myself. After all, they were all scurrying about. No one would notice. "I had to tell you. To make you see that I was doing it for you. I wanted to go and come back as someone awesome, someone who can give you everything you needed. Anything you wanted. I ran so hard, Lily. But I missed you then. I hope you knew I was here that night."

I sighed loudly. I wish I could tell her this. But the walls of this park would hopefully be enough. I hope they'll keep what I said and tell her when she comes back, if she ever comes back. And maybe one day, Gwanghwamun would once again bring us together.

And again, after a long time, I find myself waiting here for you. Maybe it's the season, or maybe I've finally gone insane. Did I really expect that because I'm here, you'd come? Right, it's time to leave. I'm soaked enough, and it has affected my thinking. I stood up, and, patting the chair full of memories, I began to walk away.

"But I don't need everything. Nor do I want anything. The only one I needed, the only one I wanted, was you."

I froze. That voice. 

With bated breath, I turn around.