Wu Yifan started to befriend total darkness when he was 15 years old. A tragic car accident took the lives of his parents as well as his eyesight. It was frustrating for the teenager – whose previous days had always been marked with basketball training – to suddenly have his life limited with his disability. It took him nearly two months to recover from broken ribs and injuries from the accident but the scar in his heart remained.

As soon as he was discharged from the hospital, Yifan locked himself in his bedroom. He was too scared, too depressed to face the world. His grandparents tried to persuade him to gradually accept the harsh reality but the boy felt that life was so unjust to him. There were days when Yifan wished he had died with his parents but his grandfather ensured him that life would be too sweet to be wasted.

For Yifan, life was bitter.

Things changed when Luhan came. His cousin arrived for his summer break. Somehow, having another boy of his age made Yifan feel relieved. At least he was not alone. Besides, they had been close since they were much younger. Luhan was still cheerful and playful as he used to be. He always initiated the conversation. He did not mention anything about the accident – perhaps because their grandfather had told him so. But having Luhan by his side made Yifan think that he deserved a new chapter in his life.

The new chapter meant that he moved to Seoul under his uncle’s auspices, lived under the same roof with Luhan and event went to school together. He struggled to learn Braille alphabets, study Hangeul as well as adjust to the new culture in South Korea. It was hard but he tried. And he did okay.

He graduated from high school with average grades, not too bad for a boy who had lost his eyesight three years earlier. When his uncle challenged him to continue his study in the university, Yifan was confused. He could not imagine him being in a huge compound with tens of thousands of students, learning new subjects. But Luhan encouraged him, saying that they would go to the same university together and even stay at the same dorm, if necessary.

Yifan chuckled. He knew why Luhan was over enthusiastic. His cousin wanted his freedom. As the heir of their family business, Luhan had no other choice but going to a school of business. And Yifan knew that his cousin’s heart was into soccer or music. But they were too young and too scared to argue with Luhan’s father.

So, here they were, standing at the gate of Seoul National University. Luhan took Yifan’s left hand while the tall guy’s right hand was holding his white cane. They should not attract attention, even with Yifan’s obvious disability.

But Yifan was not an ordinary person. He was tall with a pair of long legs and broad shoulders. His short black hair framed his face nicely. People might not realize that the pair of beautiful but sharp eyes was unable to see. But what made people turned their heads to Yifan was his handsome face. Even Luhan had to admit that his cousin was breathtaking ever since they were young.

“Are people looking at us?” Yifan asked Luhan.

The latter only nodded. But then he realized that Yifan could not see his reaction. “Yes,” he answered.

Luhan knew Yifan was always uncomfortable whenever the latter felt that people were staring at them. He could tell from Yifan’s tense shoulders and fisted hands.

“It’s alright, you’ve got me,” Luhan said.

Yifan only smiled. But his small gesture just made a few girls – who were staring at him – gasp. And he heard whispers. His smile was soon gone. Even after those years, he still felt the pain whenever people pitied him and he believed those girls just did the same.

***

University life was definitely different from high school, especially when it came to their different schedules. Yifan and Luhan never had the same schedule because they attended different schools. Luhan finally obeyed his father’s wish to study business while Yifan was enrolled at the school of literature.

As Luhan was also busy in their soccer team, Yifan was often left alone waiting for him at the bench. Listening to Luhan’s friends’ screams only reminded him of his days in the basketball court and it caused another pain in his heart. He missed hearing the cheering roars from his friends. He would not be able to experience that anymore.

So, he told Luhan that he would prefer to wait for him at the library where he could hide from the world.

Yifan had no idea that his life would change.

The minute he stepped into the library – of course, with Luhan on his side – he swore he heard the voice of an angel. He heard his cousin talk to the owner of the voice and Yifan realized that he should know his place. He just stood still without even realizing that he was holding his breath. For others, it was a mere conversation but for Yifan, that voice, somehow, reminded him of the way his mother spoke. The voice sounded so calm, soothing and caring.

Yifan flinched when Luhan poked his side and introduced him to the voice owner.

“I’m Kim Joonmyeon. It’s nice to meet you Yifan. Actually we have a special section for Braille books. I bet you’ll like our collection,” Joonmyeon said.

Yifan could not help grinning. He could tell that Joonmyeon was way shorter than him, judging from the source of the latter’s voice. He was jolted when he felt a foreign hand grabbed his and softly dragged him somewhere.

“Wait, please…” he pleaded. “I… I need to memorize the direction.”

“Oh! Oh! I’m sorry… Should we go back to where you stood earlier?”

Yifan chuckled. “No. It’s alright. I still remember. Just walk slower, please.”

And Joonmyeon slowly guided Yifan to the Braille section. The Chinese student was disappointed when Joonmyeon disentangled their link when they reached the said section. The smaller guy explained the book arrangement at the section to Yifan and left him there after helping him get some books.

Yifan was soon drowned in his own world. Of course, his uncle provided him with lots of books but having the chance to read something new excited him. Not to mention the chance to talk to Joonmyeon every half an hour because the librarian assistant seemed very worried about him. Yifan did not complain though. He enjoyed Joonmyeon’s presence and he even told Luhan that he could wait for his cousin at the library while the latter finished his soccer training.

***

His life changed ever since. Library became his sanctuary. Whenever he had a break, he would come there, with or without Luhan. Yifan easily remembered the direction from his campus building to the library. Well, there were a few occasions when he got lost but a lot of people willingly helped him.

The main reason for his regular visit to the library was not only to read books but, of course, to have Joonmyeon’s presence. Their conversation got longer each time. They began to know each other better. And if Joonmyeon finished his side job at the library while Luhan was still at the soccer field, the two of them would wait for the latter at the nearest coffee shop or simply talk in the nearest bench to the field.

Sometime, Yifan asked Joonmyeon to take him to the basketball court. He would sit there in silence, remembering all his dribbles, dunks and layups – when he was still perfectly healthy and normal – while listening to the players’ noises and the coach’s shouts. Basketball used to be his life, but not anymore. All he could do was remembering those happy days. He appreciated Joonmyeon’s company because the latter seemed to understand his melancholy.

He would let Joonmyeon talk about anything, from his study at the school of business – yes, Joonmyeon was Luhan’s classmate – to his dream of having his own bookstore.

Yifan enjoyed their conversations and sometimes he wished Luhan had longer training sessions so he could spend more time with Joonmyeon. He felt something new, something strange, something he had never felt before. His heart beat much faster whenever he anticipated his meetings with Joonmyeon but when the two of them were together he felt so calm. Yifan liked Joonmyeon a lot but he was not sure if his feeling was reciprocal. He hoped that his friend did not simply pity him.

***

Yifan was standing in front of the library when he heard footsteps coming closer and he was sure it was Joonmyeon. But there were two footsteps.

“Hi Yifan, this is my best friend Minseok,” Joonmyeon said.

Yifan stood up and stretched his hand. He grinned when he heard Minseok’s voice. “Another petit male,” he thought.

They began to chit chat when someone approached them. Yifan smiled. He knew it was Luhan. His cousin seemed too hurry to get to the library for whatever reason. But when he heard Luhan start talking to Minseok and somehow drag the guy further from them, he knew that Minseok was the guy that his cousin kept talking about at home.

His smile got wider when he felt Joonmyeon poke his side. “Why are you grinning?”

“Nothing…”

“They’ll make a good couple,” Joonmyeon said.

“Really?” Yifan sighed. “I wish I can see Luhan’s face right now and see how Minseok can make him happy.”

He was startled when he felt himself being dragged by Joonmyeon to the nearest bench. The smaller guy started his description on how Minseok looked like, how Luhan’s facial expression was and Yifan could not help laughing. “Why do I feel like we are spying on them? Like, we are parents who worry too much if our son picks the wrong guy.”

There was silence.

Yifan inwardly cursed himself. It was a joke, a slip of the tongue but it was something he should not raise.

“Do you… Do you think we can be good parents?” Joonmyeon asked.

Yifan was startled. It was a question he never thought he would hear from his friend.

“I… I’m sorry. It was a stupid joke,” Joonmyeon said again.

Somehow, Yifan was disappointed but he tried to cover it up. “Hey, it’s not a stupid joke. I think you will make yourself a great father.”

“Really?”

Yifan could not help but laughing again. This time, Joonmyeon laughed too. It felt good. Being with Joonmyeon made him absolutely feel good and Yifan thought he would do anything so he could hear that laugh again.

“Joon…” Yifan paused. “It’s now or never”. “I… I really enjoy talking to you. It’s nice to know and have someone who listens to me. I’ve had a great time. Thank you.”

Yifan was surprised when he felt Joonmyeon’s tiny hands wrap his hand and link their fingers. But he smiled because he did not mind at all. It felt right.

“I enjoy talking to you too. You’re really warm and kind-hearted Yifan. I like you.”

That night, Yifan smiled and grinned in his sleep while having a sweet dream about a date with Joonmyeon. It was probably the sweetest dream he ever had in his life.

***

Days passed without once Yifan’s failing to show up at the library, except on weekends. It was one of those days and Yifan just could not wait to rush to the library after class. The wind was quite chilly and Yifan had to fix his trench coat to keep him warm.

He believed he was close to the library when he heard a familiar voice. Joonmyeon’s.

“Yifan, where are you going? The library is closed. It’s 5 p.m. already and Luhan just called, saying he left to Busan with his soccer team and it’s about to rain,” he said.

“Oh… He didn’t say anything this morning.”

“Yeah, he said he apologized because he forgot to tell you. Come on, I’ll take you home.”

Yifan was hesitant. He did not like to trouble Joonmyeon but before he refused he heard the rain starting to fall.

“Damn! It’s raining already. We better go to my apartment. It’s not far from here. I’ll text Luhan that you’ll crash in my apartment,” the petit male said.

It took around 10 minutes to reach Joonmyeon’s apartment. They could have moved faster if only Yifan did not trip several times. They were soaked in rainwater and Joonmyeon kept apologizing although Yifan knew he was the cause of their slow moves.

Yifan just stood on the doorway once they reached Joonmyeon’s apartment. He hated a new place because he would definitely bump into everything. But when Joonmyeon dragged him and softly pushed him to sit on the couch, he finally felt so exhausted from the short trip.

“Your couch… it’s wet,” he said. He wanted to smack his forehead. “Very good Yifan. Can’t you think of anything else to say?”

“Never mind,” Joonmyeon replied.

Yifan was not sure what his friend was doing but judging from the noises he thought the other guys must be looking for something. He was startled when Joonmyeon dried his hair with a towel.

“Just stay still,” the host said and Yifan obeyed.

But he could not help protesting when Joonmyeon pulled his shirt. “No, please…”

“Hey, you need to put on dry clothes….”

Joonmyeon fell silent and Yifan knew why.

“Yifan… I… I’m sorry,” Joonmyeon whispered. “Do they still hurt?”

Yifan was startled when he felt Joonmyeon’s fingers tracing the scars on his torso. Those scars were a reminder of the accident. They had been his nightmare when he had woken up every night calling out for his mother.

“I can deal with the pain. It was the nightmare that scared me… But not anymore, not after I’ve got you,” Yifan said. He cursed inwardly. “Cheesy Yifan, very cheesy. Moron! What if he puked?”

But Joonmyeon did something that surprised him even more. The smaller guy pushed them together on the couch and they lay in a cuddling position with a blanket covering them. “It’s good that my presence can shoo away your nightmare,” Joonmyeon said.

Yifan grabbed for Joonmyeon’s hand and intertwined their fingers. “I hope I can hold your hand forever.”

Joonmyeon took Yifan’s hand and put it on his chest. The taller of the two could feel his heart beat. “My heart beats faster whenever you’re around,” Joonmyeon said.

Only silence engulfed the room.

“I love you,” Yifan blurted it out. He risked everything. But it would be better than being left in the dark. He needed to know what Joonmyeon felt for him. He held his breath, anticipating the smaller guy’s reaction.

He could feel Joonmyeon snuggling closer. “I know. And I love you too.”

And before he could react to that, he felt a pair of lips capturing his. Yifan felt he was melting in Joonmyeon’s kiss. His heartbeat sped up, he was sweating and he thought he might faint soon. But the kiss was so sweet that he just wanted to taste it and treasure it. Slowly, he kissed Joonmyeon back. And he wished time would stop.

“I wanna make love to you.”

Yifan tensed. He could not believe he had the courage to say those words.

“Then make love to me, Yifan.”

***

Yifan thought he heard it wrong. Did Joonmyeon just give him a green light? When the petit male grabbed his hand and put it on his cheek and leaned onto it, he was sure he heard it right. He was in doubt though. All he saw was darkness, how could he do it?

 Joonmyeon snuggled closer so Yifan could feel his breaths on his neck. Yifan was thankful that reading Braille made his fingertips super sensitive. And he used them to touch Joonmyeon’s cheeks. He barely could believe his touch. The skin was so soft and smooth.

Yifan relied on his basic instinct. He crashed his lips to Joonmyeon’s. The smaller guy quickly kissed him back and Yifan felt he could no longer hold the heat within himself. He tightened his hold on Joonmyeon’s waist, pressing their bodies closer, and he just realized how small the other was compared to him… But it felt so right. It felt like they were made for each other.

The kiss became more passionate that Yifan felt suffocated. Not that he complained though. He wanted the kiss to last forever but when he heard Joonmyeon’s hitched breaths, he knew they had to stop for air.

He pulled away and searched for Joonmyeon’s hand and intertwined their fingers. He smiled when he touched the much smaller hand. Somehow, he loved their differences.

“Yi… Yifan… Have you ever done it?” Joonmyeon asked.

Yifan was stunned but then heat crawled on his cheeks. He must look crimson red now. “No,” he whispered. “This is going to be my first time.”

“Oh… okay… It’s… It’s my first time too.”

Yifan rubbed his boyfriend’s cheek. “We… We’ll just take it slow, okay.”

And they kissed again. They were in no rush. In fact, the kiss went on so slow because they both wanted to savor the moment. Yifan did not realize that droplets fell from the corner of his eyes. Only after Joonmyeon pulled away and wiped away his tears did he realize that he was crying.

“Yifan… Are you alright?”

Yifan hated the fact that he broke down in front of Joonmyeon. He covered his face with his two hands.

“Yifan…”

He took a deep breath, trying hard to calm himself. “I’m alright,” he finally responded with a hoarse voice.

“What is it? Why are you suddenly crying?”

Yifan forced a smile. “I…,” then he chocked. But Joonmyeon deserved an explanation. “I wish… I wish I could see your face…”

He was pulled much closer by Joonmyeon so he could rest his head in the crook of the smaller guy’s neck. He found comfort. Joonmyeon’s tinier hand rubbed his back and Yifan calmed down.

They both were engulfed in this lingering silence until Joonmyeon grabbed Yifan’s large hand and put it on his cheek. “You can touch me and picture me in your mind, can’t you?”

Joonmyeon guided Yifan to start touching his face. Yifan did not want to miss a thing. He softly trailed Joonmyeon’s forehead, eyebrows, eyes, nose and lips. He rubbed the lips for some time while trying hard to picture Joonmyeon.

“You… You are beautiful,” he said.

There was no response from his boyfriend except that the latter’s lips were pursed.

“Do you… Do you pout often?” Yifan asked.

A smack on his arm was enough to prove that he was right. And he laughed.

“Don’t tease me,” Joonmyeon pretended to sound angry but he failed. Because Yifan’s laughter was getting louder and somehow it was contagious that Joonmyeon started laughing too.

 Yifan nuzzled his nose on Joonmyeon’s after their laughter had died down. They felt each other’s breaths before Yifan claimed Joonmyeon’s lips again. Gone was his insecurity. He knew Joonmyeon would accept him the way he was, blind or not.

His lips travelled downwards to Joonmyeon’s neck. Joonmyeon smelled good and Yifan was overwhelmed with this indescribable feeling of wanting his boyfriend for himself. When Joonmyeon murmured his name against his hair, Yifan got his guts back. He the soft skin, wanting to taint what he believed as Joonmyeon’s fair skin.

Yifan closed his eyes and let his lips travel south by instinct. He stopped when his lips touched Joonmyeon’s , kissing it, it and it while his hand touched, pinched and twisted the other one.

Joonmyeon moaned.

And Yifan thought it was the most beautiful sound he had ever heard in his whole life.

The moan was too seductive to Yifan’s ears. He kept reminding himself to be gentle. It would be their first time so he wanted to make it special for both of them.

Yifan shifted his body. He began to hover on top of Joonmyeon but he forgot that the couch was too small for them to maneuver and they fell on the carpeted floor. Yifan fell on his back and allowed Joonmyeon to land on top of him. He wanted to flip them over but Joonmyeon beat him. His boyfriend crashed their lips together and soon they were engaged in heated kisses.

He let Joonmyeon took control. He let the soft lips touch his skin and he had this overwhelming feeling that his body heat slowly but surely rose. Joonmyeon did what Yifan had done earlier. His lips went downward to the tall guy’s neck and chest, while one of his tiny hands held Yifan’s large one tight.

Yifan felt his brain freeze. He could not think. But with Joonmyeon’s straddling on top of him, Yifan could not hold it anymore. He flipped them over and continued his ministrations. He was not sure whether it was love or lust, to be frank, he did not care anymore. Joonmyeon’s lewdly mewled and it drove him insane, like he was pushed to the edge.

Yifan reminded himself to remain gentle, to not hurt Joonmyeon. He felt grateful that despite being inexperienced, he still had the memory of the gay movies that he had watched when he was much younger. At least, he still remembered what he had to do next.

He peppered light kisses on Joonmyeon’s thighs while carefully inserted his fingers into his boyfriend, preparing the latter to welcome his manhood.

“Yi… Yi… Yifan…”

Joonmyeon’s calling his name eventually unleashed the beast inside of him and he replaced his fingers with himself. Yifan pistoned his hips. His possessiveness emerged. He wanted Joonmyeon to know that his boyfriend was his and would always be his.

He wanted to go slow but Joonmyeon begged him to go faster, deeper and harder. And for him, Joonmyeon’s wishes were his commands. He obeyed and he was rewarded with more seductive moans escaping from his boyfriend’s lips.

 Yifan felt like he saw the stars from the sensation of their closeness. He came inside Joonmyeon and a moment later Joonmyeon followed. Yifan searched for Joonmyeon’s lips and molded theirs together, not wanting to let go. He wanted this feeling to last forever.

“I love you… I love you Joonmyeon… I’ll always love you,” he repeatedly said those words while putting butterfly kisses all over his boyfriend’s face and holding the lithe body tighter. His insecurity resurfaced. Now that he had tasted heaven with Joonmyeon, he was afraid that he might lose his happiness one day.

***

Yifan woke up to the sound of heavy rain. He tried to gather his memory back and he realized that he lay next to someone. Joonmyeon. Then he remembered their love making session. He smiled. He softly touched his boyfriend, afraid that he would wake up the latter.

He had no idea that Joonmyeon was already awake and was staring at him. Before his hand landed on Joonmyeon’s fair skin, the smaller guy stole a kiss from him. Yifan flinched. He was surprised. He heard Joonmyeon’s cheerful laugh. “Good morning,” he said.

“How do you know it’s morning?” Joonmyeon asked.

“Oh… Isn’t it?”

“No… It’s 2 a.m.”

“Why do you wake up?”

“I wanna take hot shower because I feel so sticky. Besides we’d better move to the bed to stay warm. It’s too cold to sleep on the floor,” Joonmyeon grumbled. He stood up before pulling up Yifan. “Come on big guy. Let’s clean up before we go to bed again.”

Yifan had no other choice but being dragged by the smaller male into the shower. The warm water felt so good to clean up their bodies.

“I can’t reach you. You have to get down on your knees,” Joonmyeon said. And Yifan silently obeyed. He chuckled when his boyfriend shampooed him. He pressed his lips into a thin line. He had an overwhelming feeling of being pampered like this. He held back his tears because he was so touched with such attention. It might be small but it was meaningful for him. He let Joonmyeon soap him. He could not help his grin when he smelled strawberry from both the shampoo and the soap. It was definitely Joonmyeon’s scent. He loved it though.

“I’m gonna smell like you,” Yifan said.

“You don’t like it.” There was a hint of disappointment in Joonmyeon’s voice and Yifan felt guilty.

“No… I love it,” Yifan said while patting the latter’s head.

The weather was colder once they stepped out of the bathroom. Joonmyeon could not stop his laugh when he saw Yifan in his too-tight shirt. Blame their different body size. “It may be uncomfortable but your clothes are all wet and my shirts are all too small for you.”

“It’s okay. No worries.”

Joonmyeon dragged Kris to bed before he quickly snuggled closer to the tall Chinese male under the thick blanket. “You have to keep me warm Yifan, I hate cold weather,” he mumbled. Yifan thought he became a puppy for Joonmyeon but he was the willing party here. Before he could reply, he already heard soft snores. He pulled Joonmyeon’s body closer, to keep the smaller guy warm in his cocoon.

***

Saturday passed and the things they did were cuddling, talking, making out and making love. It was a moment to remember for Yifan.

Until Luhan showed up at the door on Sunday morning to pick him up.

It could be the first and only time Yifan really wanted to kick Luhan out of the doorway.

Especially when his cousin innocently blurted out. “! Yifan! How many times did you Joonmyeon? You’re glowing! The must be extremely good!”

Yifan knew his face would turn as red as a tomato but Luhan did not stop there. He kept teasing him until Yifan felt the need to drag his cousin out of Joonmyeon’s apartment.

“Don’t do that again!” Yifan hissed once they were in Luhan’s car.

But his cousin just shrugged it off. “This is the first time I saw you like this. You really fall in love with him, don’t you?”

“Shut up Lu!”

“Oh, come on Fan! I know you really well. You’re so whipped!”

“Shut up!”

And Luhan laughed again. How Yifan wished he could at least know a tiny bit of Luhan’s secret so he could pay back his cousin.

***

Days passed by and it was already three months since Yifan confessed his love to Joonmyeon.

It‘s funny how being in love could make one’s life more colorful and cheerful. They both had more chances to talk about their dreams and future goals. They watched movies together – it was more of Joonmyeon’s watching the movie while snuggling to Yifan and the petit male would whisper the description of a scene if the tall guy did not understand what he listened to.

Yifan was also grateful that he got closer to Luhan. They needed each other after all to have an alibi – at least from Luhan’s father’s curious probe – whenever they slept over in their boyfriends’ respective apartments at weekends. Joonmyeon and Minseok lived in the same building but different floors. Therefore it was easier to trick Luhan’s bodyguards who usually tailed him and waited for him in front of the building.

It was one of those weekends when they stayed at home because both of them could not risk their relationships. Yifan was reading a book he just borrowed from the library while lying on his stomach in his room – a bad habit, yes he knew it but a habit dies hard, doesn’t it? – when he heard loud screams from downstairs. He recognized their voices. It was another fight between Luhan and his father.

A few minutes later, he heard his bedroom door was being opened and slammed. He could not see Luhan’s face but he believed his cousin was furious, judging from his breaths.

“I can’t believe this! That old man wants me to get married. Can you believe that? And it’s with someone he picks for me! I can’t even say no!” Luhan screamed to him.

“Lu, sit down. And stop screaming,” Yifan tried to calm him down.

The bed dipped. Yifan sat next to Luhan while rubbing the latter’s back.

“I tried to tell him that I have a boyfriend but he didn’t listen,” Luhan said with a weak voice. “I… I just want to marry Minseok, not someone else.”

They both fell silent. They had known since they were young that arranged marriage would wait for them when they grew up. But when it came, none of them was ready. Yifan could not imagine himself without Joonmyeon and that was why he understood his cousin’s feeling.

“Help me Fan… please,” Luhan sounded so desperate. Yifan pulled his cousin closer and hugged him. He let Luhan’s tears wet his shirt. He was speechless. No words would be able to comfort his cousin. He just listened while Luhan blabbered about his plan to buy a new apartment and move in with Minseok.

“Talk to my father, please…. You’re his favorite, Fan. He’ll listen to you,” Luhan begged him.

Yifan nodded although he was uncertain if it would do any good. But he was willing to help Luhan.

He met his uncle the next morning but even before he said anything the old man just beat him.

“Luhan asked you to talk to me right? Well, Yifan. My son is stubborn and is very spoiled. He is so unlike you. I wish he can learn to be more disciplined like you always do. Sometimes I wonder how my brother could have a perfect son like you while Luhan is always rebellious,” his uncle said.

“You go tell Luhan that my decision is final. He will meet with his future husband this weekend. And you come along with us, Yifan. I need you to deal with my son just in case he throws tantrum.”

***

Luhan was extremely quiet when they were heading to the hotel where they would meet his future husband. And that made Yifan worried. A quiet Luhan meant his cousin was anxious. Yifan was right. Luhan was biting his nails and Yifan had to pull his cousin’s hands away. He squeezed those hands, hoping that his presence would at least make Luhan not feel alone in this unwanted meeting.

The car finally stopped and a bodyguard opened up the door and guided Yifan out. He used his cane to walk properly but Luhan already grabbed his free hand and led him to the meeting room.

He sat next to Luhan but his cousin kept rubbing his palm hands to his thighs.

“Relax Lu. It may not be as bad as you thought,” he whispered.

“It’s easy for you to say. It’s my life at stake,” Luhan grumbled.

Yifan turned to listen better to the incoming voices. He recognized his uncle’s and aunt’s but there were a few more, most probably the future Luhan’s parents-in-law.

Luhan tugged him, signaling him to stand up. He froze when he heard Luhan gasped.

“What?” he whispered.

But Luhan only squeezed his hand.

“Lu, what’s wrong?”

Before Luhan could answer, Yifan heard his uncle’s voice.

“Luhan, please meet your future husband Kim Joonmyeon.”

Yifan froze.

“Yi… Yifan,” he heard a very low voice. It was a very familiar voice. It was the voice that he always missed and hoped to hear whenever he woke up.

He wished he had died with his parents back then.

***

Yifan touched the cold tombstone. “Mama,” he whispered.

Three days after the meeting between Luhan’s and Joonmyeon’s families, Yifan asked his uncle to send him back to Beijing. He reasoned that he missed his grandparents and he wanted to visit his parents’ graves. The truth was he could not face the reality that his boyfriend would marry his cousin, although they both were hesitant with their parents’ decision.

Yifan stayed mum during the meeting and he could sense that both Luhan and Joonmyeon were very awkward. The two barely talked to each other although their parents were sort of pushing them to mingle. Yifan wanted to leave the room but Luhan held his hand tight. “Stay with me, please.”

Before the meeting ended, both families agreed that the wedding would take place in the next two months.

Yifan was beyond heartbroken. He was desperate, devastated. He was destroyed inside. He locked himself in his bedroom although Luhan kept knocking on the door, begging him to open it up so they could talk. He pretended to sleep.

Life was definitely unfair.

Why Luhan, he asked himself. His cousin was a perfect candidate for Joonmyeon. Luhan was handsome, smart, talented, rich, healthy and normal – everything that Yifan was not. He hated himself for being jealous, for being unable to be sincerely happy for his cousin. But he felt he had the right to be jealous because Luhan would take away his boyfriend.

“Take me with you Mama, please,” he silently begged. There was only the sound of chirping birds amidst the breeze at the graveyard. He felt the scorching Sun on his skin but he did not care. He was so immersed in his own sadness that he did not realize the presence of others.

He flinched when he felt a squeeze on his shoulder.

“Yifan.”

His grandfather already sat next to him, pulling him closer so Yifan could lean his head on the elder’s shoulder.

“I thought you came to Beijing because you miss me,” his grandfather said. There was a slight tone of mocking in his voice but Yifan did not mind. The old man was always joyful and a prankster as far as he could remember.

“I did, grandpa.”

“Really? You barely talked to me. You locked yourself in your room. You spent the whole day here. You didn’t give me a chance to talk to you.”

Yifan sighed. His grandfather was right. He was in Beijing for a week now and he did nothing but pity himself. “Am I that pathetic, grandpa?”

His grandfather pulled him much closer.

“Four years ago, I came to a national high school basketball championship. I was so proud to see a young man lifting the trophy and was awarded the MVP. It was not the trophy, Yifan, it was your fighting spirit, your leadership as a captain that amazed me. Nothing could beat the pride of seeing an enthusiastic young man like that, especially since he was my grandson.”

Yifan choked. It was his last championship, his last match. He had set his eyes on NCAA, hoping that one day he could join his dream team: LA Lakers.

But it was just a dream.

It would never ever come to reality.

Tears began to roll down his cheeks and he cried hard in his grandfather’s arms. He was wailing.

“Let it go son, let it go.”

It took a while before Yifan could calm down. He wiped away his tears while mumbling: “How can Luhan have everything while I have nothing?”

His grandfather chuckled. “Do you know that he asks the same question?”

“He did?”

“Yifan, you may think that Luhan has everything. But do you realize that he is also jealous of you?”

“Luhan? Jealous?”

“Before the accident, you were a perfect son that all parents wished for. You’re smart, you’re ambitious, competitive and you excelled in basketball. Luhan had been jealous of you when you both were much younger.

“Now, you may think you lost everything. But you still have something that he doesn’t. Freedom. That’s the perk of not being the heir in this family. Your father gave up everything – including his position as my successor –to be able to marry your mother. Your uncle inherited everything and Luhan will be the next heir. He has no freedom to decide his personal life. Everything has been arranged.”

Yifan took a deep breath. “But he’s gonna have something valuable to me. He’s gonna marry Joonmyeon.”

His grandfather stood up and then pulled up Yifan. “That, my son, is for you to fight for. If you really love Kim Joonmyeon, find a way to win him back.”

“What? How?”

His grandfather just laughed. “You’ve got brain and courage, Yifan. Use them.”

***

Yifan arrived back in Seoul a week later with his grandparents. He nearly tumbled when out of the blue Luhan just jumped and hugged him tight. “Where the hell have you been, man?”

Although Luhan sounded cheerful, but Yifan knew there was sadness layered in his voice. “I just needed to clear my mind. I’m back now.”

Luhan playfully hit Yifan’s chest. “I need you here, Fan.”

Yifan knew he could not be selfish. Luhan needed his presence more, just like the time when his cousin was there for him after the accident. He felt like it was the best time to pay back all the kindness of Luhan’s family. After all, he could not bite the hands that feed him, could he?

With that in mind, Yifan came to the library a few days later. The wedding was only 10 days away and he needed to talk to Joonmyeon.

“Yifan…” a familiar voice was heard.

Yifan smiled, despite the pang in his heart. “Hello Joonmyeon. Can we talk?”

They sat very close to each other on a bench in a secluded garden of the campus. The shades of a big tree protected them from the bright sunlight. Yifan’s large hands held Joonmyeon’s tiny ones tight. The tall guy took a deep breath before saying the words that he had rehearsed the night before.

“Joon, please hear me out. Ten days from now you will belong to someone else.”

Yifan could hear soft sobs from his boyfriend and he felt his heart was sliced piece by piece.

“I love you so much, but I also love my family. Luhan has always been there for me through thick and thin. I know him well and I believe you will be in good hands. You may not love him now but you can learn to love him later.”

“But I only love you…. Don’t push me away, please,” Joonmyeon whined.

Yifan forced a smile on his face. He stretched his hand to touch Joonmyeon’s cheek and his boyfriend leaned on it like a kitten. Yifan held back his tears. Joonmyeon was in a sadder state than him.

“Luhan is the perfect husband for you. He has everything that I don’t. You will be happy.”

“I don’t want a perfect husband. I want you. Am I not clear enough?”

“Joon… I’m just gonna be a burden in your life later. And I don’t want that. We may not see it now but 10 years later, you may regret your decision. With Luhan, you’re gonna have a great future ahead.”

Joonmyeon’s sobs turned into cry. Yifan pulled him into his embrace and rubbed his back to comfort him. The petit male grabbed the front of Yifan’s shirt and held it tight, as if he was afraid of being left behind.

“Joon, you will live a happy life, believe me.”

There was no response from Joonmyeon. Yifan leaned down to put a kiss on Joonmyeon’s forehead. He took a long time to press his lips on it, before he finally pulled away. “Good bye my love.”

Yifan stood up. He ignored Joonmyeon’s grip on his wrist as the latter continued begging him to stay. He forcefully pulled his hand and walked away from the garden. It was not easy to find the way to the university gate where the car was waiting for him. But it was even harder to keep his stoic face as droplets began to fall from the corner of his eyes. The moment he got into the car, he let his tears fall freely. He ignored the bodyguards’ question if he was alright. Because he was not alright, not at all.

***

Yifan was startled when one of the bodyguards told him that there was a guest standing in front of Luhan’s family mansion. “I think he’s master Luhan’s boyfriend,” the bodyguard reported.

Of course they knew. They were tailing Luhan and Yifan the whole time.

Yifan told the bodyguards to drive them around, away from the house. They stopped by at a coffee shop so that he and Minseok could have a talk.

“Luhan asked me to run away with him. We’re supposed to meet this afternoon but I guess it’s even impossible for him to sneak out of the house,” Minseok explained their plan to Yifan. The latter was not surprised. Luhan was desperate and he would do anything to go against his father’s command at all cost.

“Do you…. Need my help?”

“Can you?”

“I don’t know. It depends on what I should do.”

There was a pause.

“No. I don’t want to run away. I don’t think it’s a good idea. Luhan has a bright future and I don’t want to destroy it,” Minseok said. “He will be happy with Joonmyeon.”

They both were silent.

“Are you…. Are you giving up on Luhan?” Yifan asked.

“Aren’t you? Aren’t you giving up on Joonmyeon?”

Yifan nodded. “I had to.”

“Likewise.”

There was another silence. Yifan admired Minseok’s toughness. His tone was flat as if he was okay but Yifan could still notice a hint of sadness and desperation in his voice. He grabbed Minseok’s hands and squeezed them.

“Everything is gonna be better, Minseok.”

“I wish you’re right. Joonmyeon cried a lot, you know. He was so desperate. He tried to talk to his father but I guess the Kim family sees this marriage as the best opportunity for their business.”

“What about you? Are you alright?”

“I’ll survive. I may be mourning myself in the beginning but I’ll survive.”

Yifan was angry with himself. The last thing he wanted to know was a sad Joonmyeon. But he had no idea to fix things. He had hoped the marriage would bring happiness to Joonmyeon’s life but he was not certain anymore.

***

Yifan was sitting on the swing at the backyard of the house on the eve of the wedding day. He heard screams from inside the house. It was another fight between Luhan and his father. He had no idea how father and son could constantly fight each other. It made him grateful that his father was very understanding and supportive when he was still alive.

He heard footsteps coming and someone sat next to him on the swing.

“I am hopeless. I am my father’s prisoner, not his son,” Luhan mumbled. “I’m gonna marry a person I don’t love tomorrow and whatever I said couldn’t change his mind. Joonmyeon is nice but anyone – even blind people – can see he’s in love with you.”

Yifan stayed quiet.

“Fan, I’m… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…”

“Hey, it’s alright. I’m blind and that’s a fact. You don’t need to apologize.”

“Have you talked to Joonmyeon?”

Yifan nodded. “I met Minseok the other day and he said Joonmyeon was crying the whole time.”

“What? You met Minseok and you didn’t tell me?”

“You were arguing with your father nonstop. How can I tell you? Minseok said he didn’t agree with your idea to run away. Besides it’s impossible to leave this tightly guarded house,” Yifan said.

He heard Luhan sigh.

“Are you okay with this Fan? Are you okay with me marrying Joonmyeon, touching him, kissing him, having with him?”

Yifan growled. Luhan’s words provoked him. In a lightning’s speed, he stood up and grabbed Luhan’s collar, his hand was in mid air, ready to punch his cousin.

“Come on Fan! Punch me! Don’t pretend you’re okay because you’re not! Come on! Hit me!”

Yifan felt his body trembling from holding his anger back. He let go of his grasp and slowly sat back on the swing. He took a deep breath but his hands were still shaky. Images of Joonmyeon in Luhan’s arms bothered him. And he remembered what his grandfather said. “You’ve got brain and courage, Yifan. Use them.”

But how to use them?

***

Yifan sat nervously next to his grandfather. He could hear the buzz and hums from the guests. The wedding ceremony was about to begin. He had met Luhan before and his cousin was extremely anxious, begging Yifan to find a way to cancel the wedding. He could not. Deep inside his heart, he really really wanted to do that but his brain froze and images of his uncle being angry already scared him.

The wedding march was played and all guests stood up to welcome Joonmyeon, who walked down the aisle with his father. Luhan was standing at the altar, waiting for his groom. Yifan felt there was a flying dragon inside his stomach, causing so much pain. He wanted to crouch or curl up in bed to lessen the pain. His hands were shaking and he felt a calming squeeze on them.

“Relax son,” his grandfather whispered.

Yifan nodded.

But the pain remained. In fact, it turned unbearable that cold sweats began to run down his temple. He balled his fists and tried to breath regularly but to no avail. He suffered from a throbbing pain in his head. He thought he was about to faint.

It was when he heard his grandfather mumbled angrily. “Luhan needs to get a grip of himself.”

“What’s wrong?” he asked his grandfather.

“He cannot say the wedding vow. That boy….”

Yifan knew Luhan by heart. And he also knew that his cousin would never be able to say the words he never meant. The guests began to whisper and Yifan could guess that his uncle must be really furious.

He heard Luhan stammering when trying to say the wedding vow and he remember his cousin’s provoking words. “Do I want this to happen? Am I giving up easily? Should I fight for my love? I don’t want any regrets. All I want is my happiness.”

“NO! PLEASE STOP!”

Yifan was shocked to hear his own voice. He felt another squeeze on his hands from his grandfather. It was a sign of encouragement. And he knew he was at a point of no return.

“Don’t let this wedding happen… Please.” He had no idea how he could be surprisingly composed. “Luhan and Joonmyeon don’t love each other. If you force them to get married, they will suffer.”

“Yifan!” His uncle hissed.

“I’m sorry…,” Yifan’s voice turned weaker. “I’m sorry. I should have said this earlier but I was too scared. I should be the one who marries Joonmyeon because I love him. I’m in love with him.”

Yifan ignored gasps from the guests.

He digged into his suit pocket and took out a blue velvet box. Inside the box was a pair of rings that his grandfather had given to him before they flew to Seoul. He held it tight, opened it up and stretched his hand. “Will you marry me, Joonmyeon?”

Before he could hear Joonmyeon’s response, someone already hugged him and punched him hard on his stomach. “What took you so long, man? Damn it! I thought you lost your guts!”

Luhan hugged him tight. “Thanks for saving my , Fan.”

“I’ll have to deal with your father’s wrath later.”

“I’ll back you up, don’t worry.”

Luhan guided Yifan to move forward. “Smile Joonmyeon, now you’re going to marry the person you love.”

Yifan smiled when he felt smaller hands grab his. It felt familiar. It felt so natural. It felt like how it was supposed to be. “Yifan, please marry me.”

***

Three years later

“Thanks for the dinner. Bye guys,” Luhan said while hugging Yifan. He then held Minseok’s hand and headed to the awaiting car.

Yifan helped Joonmyeon clean up the table. “Such a noisy night,” he said.

“But it’s nice to meet them. It’s been a while because Luhan is busy with the company,” Joonmyeon replied.

They eventually got married on that day. At least, Yifan did not entirely ruin the wedding party. He just switched role with Luhan. His uncle finally accepted the fact that Luhan was desperately in love with Minseok. The couple finally got married a year ago.

Joonmyeon’s family bought them a small two-story house near the campus. They tried to refuse but Mr. Kim insisted that it was their wedding gift. They gave up arguing, knowing that they would never win against the elders.

They used the first floor as a bookstore with a special Braille section. Minseok helped them at the store in between his classes. It was tough in the beginning being students, a married couple and attending to the shop but Yifan and Joonmyeon managed to survive until they graduated.

Yifan wanted to help Joonmyeon wash the plates but his husband forced him to just sit down in the kitchen and sip his coffee. “Are you sure you don’t need help?” he asked for the umpteenth time.

“I’ve finished. Ready to go to bed?”

They walked to their bedroom in the second floor. Although Yifan remembered the layout of their small house but he never protested whenever Joonmyeon grabbed his hand and guided him. It was a small gesture but it was the intimacy that counted, he thought.

They were lying on the bed when Yifan remembered something.

“Will you help me type a letter tomorrow? I’m going to propose a word to be included in Merriam-Webster,” Yifan said.

“What word?”

“Joonmyeon.”

Joonmyeon playfully smacked Yifan’s chest. “That’s not funny at all.”

Yifan smiled while pulling his husband closer so the petit male could rest his head on his chest. “Joonmyeon should be an internationally recognized new word.”

There was no response and Yifan thought his husband had fallen asleep already.

“Fan, a new word must have a new meaning, right? What does joonmyeon mean, if you want to include it in Webster?”

“It means….” Yifan paused. “Perfectly beautiful.”