Some say it’s not over ’till it’s over
Guess this is really over now
There’s something I gotta say before I let you go
Listen…

 

The woman I’m standing next to in a pure white dress looking like an angel, so innocently; like she doesn’t know she’s doing it, is killing me… Making my heart ache such a violent pain.

 

When I look away from her, I can’t help but look back at her. Memories of us flood my mind. Her sheer presence is so much stronger than my own thoughts; she refuses to let me think about anything else other than her.

 

I remember all the times you’ve shown up at my door in tears because you’ve had a fight. I remember your tears and fear that it was the end for the both of you. No matter how much you were hurting… those were the times when I felt most hopeful that you would end and we would begin.

 

When you have a fight with him
Sometimes you cry
And feel sad and blue
I become hopeful

 

Remember when we were filming Nobuta Wo Produce and Akira was in Love with Nobuta, but wasn’t confident enough to tell her he loved her? Remember when I was singing in the intercom? Remember when I took your hand, examined it as I held it and then pulled it to my cheek? What about the time when you rode on the back of “my” bike on the way to “school”?

 

Who said Akira’s feelings towards Nobuta were all acting? When we did scenes together, they were my real feelings. Akira was able to portray my feelings towards you better than I was able to portray them to you.

 

Kurosagi. It was refreshing to have you chasing me for once…

 

When we acted together, you always said it made you feel relieved that I was with you. Your smile was so beautiful. God, and your smile was so bright. It’s the only flaw you have. Because of your smile, I sometimes forgot my lines. I got scolded for that often…

 

“Tomo-kun, are you okay?” she asked placing a hand on my cheek.

 

What are you doing?

 

“Tomo-kun?” she repeated.

 

I nodded, “I’m fine, just a little nervous. Singing at a wedding… this is a first.”

 

She smiled, “You had me worried for a second… You looked tired, Tomo. Have you been sleeping right?”

 

I returned it and caressed her cheek, “You don’t have time to worry about me. You’re getting married. All you have to worry about is smiling to everyone as you walk down the aisle.”

 

What am I doing?

 

She nodded, “You’re right. Just walk in a straight line and I can’t trip… oh god, make sure I don’t trip.”

 

“I promise you will not trip. Not with me at your side.”

 

She stared at our reflection in the mirror, “You’re so handsome.” She complimented.

 

You’re doing it again?

 

“You’re so beautiful.”

 

She smiled and leaned her head against my shoulder, “You know, we should go on trip together.”

 

Please stop.

 

“What about your honey moon?” the words stung my mouth.

 

She looked up at me and we both sat down on the luxurious chairs, “This has nothing to do with it. I’m talking about the two of us taking a trip together. Why, you don’t want to?”

 

“That’s not the case.”

 

I don’t know if I can handle being with you alone after you’re married.

 

“Then what is it?”

 

I chuckled, “I’m trying to think of the answer to my question, Why all of a sudden?”

 

“We never do anything together anymore.”

 

“What do you mean? I’ve been spending four days, out of seven, a week with you.”

 

She sighed, “Yeah… but that was all wedding stuff. It wasn’t Yamaki time.”

 

Yamaki… a nickname our fans gave us. Hearing her say it so happily made us sound like we had something deeper than friendship and Love… but what’s stronger than that? Is there anything else?

 

There isn’t.

 

No matter how much I want you to know how I feel, I can’t tell you. I don’t want us to drift apart more than we already have. Maki, you’re so distant now. You’re so distant that I can’t follow you anymore. Why? Why are letting him take you away from me?

 

Please. I beg you. Please, leave him and run to me.

 

My heart aches secretly
Then just a hint of your smile
Can make me feel fine again
To keep you from figuring out how I feel about you
Because then we would drift apart
I hold my breath, bite my lips
Oh, please leave him and come to me

 

There was a knock at the door.

 

“Maki-chan.”

 

“Come in.” Maki called.

 

Haruka walked in the room. Her hair was curled and framed her face perfectly. Her turquoise dress was floor length. Her make-up was very natural and simple, but still brought out the beauty in her.

 

“Haru-chan.” Maki smiled, standing up and wrapping her arms around her best-friend.

 

“You look even prettier than you did five minutes ago.”

 

Haruka lightly kissed Maki’s cheek.

 

“Thank you.”

 

“Oh, right.” Haruka backed away a few meters, saluted and smiled, “They’re ready for you my dear.”

 

Maki’s face turned red and she nodded, “Here I go.”

 

I watched her exit the room, praying she would turn around, run into my arms and say ‘Take Me Away’.

 

When she was out of the room… I felt hopeless.

 

Don’t take his hand. We’re supposed to be together. Do you know how long I’ve been waiting?

 

Baby,please don’t take his hand
Cuz you should be my lady
I’ve been waiting for you for so long
Please look at me now

 

“Tomohisa-kun.”

 

I turned to Haruka. Her arms were already around me, embracing me with all the love in her heart that she could muster. I wrapped my arms around her. She was a woman who was able to comfort me like no other.

 

“Are you sure you can watch this? I’ll get Jin to take you out, if you want.” She whispered lightly pressing her lips to my forehead.

 

“I can handle it.” I replied, trying hard to make my lie the truth.

 

She my hair so lightly, “I don’t want you to watch.”

 

I let my head rest on her shoulder.

 

“I don’t want to watch your heart shatter.” She whispered.

 

“Thank you.”

 

“Leave.” She said.

 

“Haruka, I can’t.” I said and she knew this,

“When the music starts
Maki will vow to spend
The rest of her life with Osamu-kun.”

 

Haruka’s eyes were getting teary, “I can’t watch you do this to yourself. It’s too painful.”

 

“I’m perfectly fine with this, really.” Please let this lie become the truth.

 

“Stop lying to yourself.”

 

There was a silence.

 

“Tomohisa-kun…”

 

I let my head rest on her shoulder and cut off her sentence, “Osamu Mukai-kun… he’ll make her happy.”

 

“Why aren’t you confident in yourself?” Haruka asked, looking up so tears wouldn’t spill from her eyes, “The man at the altar… that could’ve been you.”

 

Knowing that since I entered this hotel cut me like a knife.

 

How I prayed every night
This day would never come

 

I walked down the aisle with Haruka hooked to my right arm. Haruka and I smiled to everyone we knew and even those we didn’t know. We received smiles in return. Maki’s parents suddenly showed up so… she doesn’t need me to walk her down the aisle…

 

Being the Maid Of Honour Haruka picked me to walk her down the aisle. No matter how I feel… I have to smile. Haruka’s mixed feelings, happy that her friend is marrying and the sadness she bared for me so I wouldn’t have to feel it, about this day somehow reached me a little.

 

We reached the altar and I stood straight bowing to the groom. Mukai smiled to us and I forcefully returned it. I felt calm for the moment when we took our positions in front of the microphones.

 

With NEWS and KAT-TUN and even Toma, watching me from the third row, giving encouraging smiles, I was slowly starting to feel as if I could take this. I smiled back to them to try and show them I could handle this.

 

But as soon as she appeared, as soon as Haruka and I started singing… I felt myself fall…. Fall in an endless dark hole.

 

“Here with you I feel it,
I close my eyes and see it,
In a midnight talk, in a morning kiss,
When I'm in your arms, that's where it is,
When we're tangled up and can't resist,
When we feel that rush, that's where it is,
That's where it is”

 

Even Haruka’s hand, tightly intertwined with mine, wasn’t enough to stop this sadness and pain. The pain knowing and seeing that the wedding dress she’s wearing could have been for my sake. The person she chose to spend the rest of her life with.

 

I watched the bride smiled to all her guest, her father stood proudly next to his daughter and her mother couldn’t have a more excited expression.

 

Maki then looked up at me smiling brighter than she was a moment ago.

 

“When I'm crashing through the madness,
Not sure who I'm supposed to be,
When I'm caught up in the darkness,
It's your hand that's leading me,
You bring me back to solid ground,
You lift me up right here, right now”

 

Why can’t I be the one to lift you up?

 

The wedding dress you’re wearing
It’s not me (next to you)
Oh, the wedding dress you’re wearing, oh, no

 

When I noticed she was smiling at me, I returned it as genuinely as I could.  I was lucky she didn’t give a concerned expression; I’m sure she could tell my smile was faker than an acting smile.

 

I’m lucky… yet disappointed. I guess I wanted you to turn around and walk over to me to make sure I’m alright… I guess I’m wishing for too much again.

 

Maki, you use to always say that you wonder what it would be like to be together with me, but you aren’t really trying. I remember hating you so much. I remember hating you because you didn’t, and still don’t, know how I feel about you. Without saying a word, you should be able to see it in my eyes; Love, friendship and a will to never sever our bond.

 

I remember wishing you a lifetime of unhappiness because you failed to see what was, literally, staring back at you. But that’s all the past.

 

You never knew how I felt about you
And I hated you so
Sometimes I wished you would be unhappy

 

Now, my feelings are much stronger than I ever could have imagined.

 

Maki turned to Mukai and stood beside him with the Priest ready to begin.

 

‘Just because you’ve acted the part of the man who watches the woman he loves getting married and he can’t do anything about it, let me remind you that this isn’t acting for a drama! This is real! Not only that, but YOU CAN’T go back in time to make it all right Tomohisa-kun!’ Haruka’s voice echoed in my head.

 

‘You had me worried for a second… You looked tired, Tomo-kun. Have you been sleeping right?’  Maki…

 

How do you expect me to sleep at night? Honestly. How do you expect me to sleep at night and dream of anything other than you and me happily living together? All I’ve been able to do is cry my eyes out and try to relieve my heart. I’m crying so much because of you…

 

I may even be going insane… I end up talking to myself like you’re sitting next to me listening with an open heart.

 

God, I want you so bad.

 

I watch you nod. I watch Osamu nod.

 

Now I have no more tears left to cry
When I’m by myself I talk to you like you’re here
I’ve felt so restless every night
Maybe I’ve known all along this would happen

 

My eyes closed and I tighten my fist.

 

I close my eyes and dream an endless dream
Please leave him and come to me

 

I watch you write down your name and I watch Mukai write down his name. You both smile to each other and lightly laugh, so lightly that no one can hear you. Gently, you each take a candle and light the shorter bigger one in the middle. When you’ve lit it, both of your eyes are shining with excitement.

 

Baby,don’t take his hand when he comes to you
Cuz you should be my lady
I’ve been waiting for you for so long
Look at me now

 

You didn’t even turn to see if I was watching you smile with joy. You didn’t even turn to share your excitement with me. After everything we’ve been through, you didn’t turn to look at me.

 

At the moment… I’m waiting. I’m relieved that music hasn’t started playing yet. That there’s no ‘I Do’ yet. You haven’t vowed to spend the rest of your life with him… It pains me to think that you will.

 

When the music starts
You will vow to spend
The rest of your life with him

How I prayed every night
This day would never come

 

Your pure heart. Your pure smile. Your pure white dress.

 

The wedding dress you’re wearing
It’s not me (next to you)
Oh, the wedding dress you’re wearing, oh, no

 

“Do you Often have NG’s?” the interviewer asked.

 

Maki laughed her beautiful laugh, “It seems this is directed towards me.” she said looking at me. I grinned and urged her to continue, “There’s an NG where I rip my clothes…” she blushed.

 

It was endearing, “Maki-chan’s NG’s are a necessity on site. When Maki-chan has an NG, the atmosphere softens.” I explained smiling at Maki and she smiled back with a light blush crossing her cheeks.

 

I smile at the memory.

 

“The talent she needs for drawing… isn’t there.” I sighed.

 

“Eh? Show me.” the interviewer asked.

 

Maki handed him her drawings of the cast.

 

“Akigawa-san?”

 

Then she showed him her drawing of me and wanted to explain her lack of talent, “It’s very difficult to draw Yamaa-kun, because he’s so cool…” She thought for a moment, “I can’t capture that in drawing.”

 

“Really?” I asked.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Seriously?” I asked again.

 

“Yes.” She nodded hiding behind her coffee cup.

 

“What do you want from me?”

 

Everyone in the room laughed.

 

“Because of your lack in drawing, you’re going to dance Daite Senorita.”

 

“EH!?” she gasped.

 

I stood next to her; she was blushing and laughing at the same time.

 

“Daite Daite Daite Senorita.” I sang slowly and we both shook out hips and popped out our chests, “Tsuyoku Tsuyoku Tsuyoku.” We did our manly poses, “This is the main part here.”

 

“Can we stop this madness?” Maki asked crouching down and hiding her face in her hands.

 

I almost started laughing, but kept it in.

 

“RUN!” Maki shouted.

 

I arched an eye brow then when I saw the HUGE wave of water behind me… I ran as fast as I could… but, of course, it wasn’t fast enough. The wave crashed down on me and I’m drenched. The only sound I can hear is Maki’s laughing at me.

 

I ran over to her. She stopped laughed and started me… but then she started laughing again. I picked her up and she gasped. I saw that a wave was coming; I made my way towards it as quickly as I could.

 

The wave came crashing down on us. Now she was drenched as well.

 

We looked at each other… laugher erupted. Maki somehow managed for us to fall. We sat in water than reached out necks, its cold… but being able to hold her makes it worth the wile.

 

“My whole, entire, life I’ve wanted to be able to have someone I can confine everything, that’s been locked inside my heart, too. Someone I can trust with my life and someone who could trust theirs with me. I never thought that it would be you. I’ve seen you on TV so many times that when we met, it didn’t feel real. But here I am, standing next to you, on our wedding day, ready to give you everything and anything you desire. I Love You, Horikita Maki.” Mukai said.

 

He had no right. Those are my words. Everything he’s saying… those are my feelings.

 

“I Love You.”

 

That’s all Maki needed to say. All she said for her vows.

 

But just that was the end of it. All it took to shatter the rest of my heart.

 

“Do you, Osamu Mukai, take this woman, Horikita Maki, to be your lawfully wedded wife, in sickness and in health, ‘till death do you part?” the priest asked.

 

“I Do.” Mukai said so confidently that the priest looked intimidated.

 

Mukai slipped a wedding band on Maki’s finger, smiling with happiness and pride.

 

No… it’s happening. Tears started falling from my eyes.

 

“Do you, Horikita Maki, take this man, Osamu Mukai, to be your lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, ‘till death do you part?”

 

So many tears were falling from my eyes; I guess I do have tears left to cry… a lot of tears left to cry.

 

Haruka took my hand and we were running. She led me down the aisle taking Jin’s hand in the process. Now, the three of us were running out of the room. The doors were flung open and we didn’t slow down.

 

We kept running.

 

Please be happy with him
So that I can forget you

 

Haruka and Jin both had their arms wrapped around me and let me cry. I’m thankful to them with all the shattered pieces of my heart.

Please forget how miserable I looked
It’s going to be unbearably hard for me
For a long while to come [No Oh]

 

I don’t understand why I let myself live in such an illusion. The illusion that we would one day marry, have children and grow old together. The illusion that one day our love would bloom and she would be smiling brightly, so brightly I would become blind.

 

I’m an Idiot.

 

For such a long time

I lived in an illusion like a fool

She is still smiling at me, so brightly

 

I want her to come after me… wearing her pure white wedding dress… smiling her pure smile…. I want her Love forever. I want to Love you forever, Maki.

 

I started to cry harder and the arms around me tightened. I heard Haruka start to cry.

 

Stop feeling all this pain Tomohisa-kun… I’ll feel all of it for you. Maki needs you to see her off, into a married life, with a smile. So give me all your pain.

 

Is what Haruka wants to say.

 

I can’t watch you do this to yourself. It’s too painful.

 

She had said that.

 

I felt Jin’s body start to slightly shake… he’s crying now too.

 

Maki… you’re causing so much pain… all because I Love you too much.

 

The wedding dress you’re wearing, it should’ve been me standing happily and proudly next to you… But it’s not.

 

The wedding dress you’re wearing

The wedding dress you’re wearing [It should have been me]

The wedding dress you’re wearing [it’s not me]

The wedding dress you’re wearing

Oh, the wedding dress you’re wearing, oh, no

 

Watching The Person You Love Get Married…. Will Be The Hardest Thing You’ll Ever Have To Do. But You Have No One To Blame But Yourself. Because You… Didn’t Take The Chance To Make This Person Yours… Forever.

 

The wedding dress you’re wearing

But she’ll never come…. 

Oh, the wedding dress you’re wearing, oh, no

 

The doors flew open…

 

“Tomo….”

 

I looked up…

 

There Maki Stood… In Her Pure White Wedding Dress.