hongbin’s smile torments taekwoon’s dreams. he hates that he still thinks of the breakup not a few weeks before and he hates that hongbin’s smile still lingers in his mind. he hates it. he hates it.

he hates it.

they used to dance in taekwoon’s apartment with the moonlight, listening to soft melodies of different musicians from around the world. hongbin would trail long fingers into the soft hair of his lover and taekwoon would gently dip his index finger into the younger’s dimples.

there was something about the way that hongbin moved his hips that enticed taekwoon and made the songs sound more beautiful than they already were.  

but that was in the past and hongbin is no longer his. it killed taekwoon when reality finally sunk in. it worked its way slowly and painfully until there was nothing left, leaving a breathless taekwoon wanting to scream  and shout about how unfair the world works.

-

he listens to the sound of the street below him as he gets dressed for work: whatever jeans, an old band shirt and green converse with poorly drawn hearts on the toe. he hadn’t worked for the past couple of weeks, his heart and mind set not ready to deal with his loud and obnoxious coworkers. he knew that there would be questions about his whereabouts but he wouldn’t give them answers and instead wave them off like nothing was wrong. 

taekwoon’s out the door in less than five minutes, leaving the mess of empty liquor bottles and boxes of pizza littered on the floor. the street is filled with young couples walking hand in hand as if daring someone to walk through and break their fingers apart. he makes a face at the bright smiles before booking it down the street waiting for the familiar sign to appear.

 he has the job to sing. he sings his heart out to those who want to listen or those who want to wallow and mourn in the voice that is taekwoon's. he lets out his voice at aventura, a spanish theme restaurant where the owner, jaehwan, thinks that everyone needs a splash sizzle in their lives, something taekwoon regretted telling the younger man. no one needs sizzle in their lives. 

"live a little," is something that jaehwan says with that stupid bright smile of his and taekwoon hates it.

he smiles a bit when he sees the bright lights reading aventura up ahead before throwing his head back and glaring at the darkening sky, lips parted in a silent groan. he’s still not ready for a bouncing jaehwan and a lively Wonshik but it’s better than staying at home and wallowing in the self pity that loves him so much. he clenches his hand, pale fingers turning paler and feet moving faster to the warmth that was the adventure.

the front doors open quietly and chatter greets his ears. he scowls at the happy faces before rushing off to the back where he knew that jaehwan and everyone else would be. he rushes to the back, opening the ‘employees only’ door to see jaehwan’s mouth busy wonshik’s and taekwoon has an urge to gag but opts to smack both of their heads, waiting until they come apart. jaehwan frowns rubbing the back of his head.

“what the hell was that for?” he asks, his lips forming into a pout. “i didn’t do anything to you.”

“you live,” is taekwoon’s reply as he moves to his locker, his eyes narrowing at the sight of the uniform tonight and yanking the white button down and black slacks off the hanger before glowering at jaehwan. it’s the speckled bow tie that has taekwoon cringing at jaehwan’s taste. “i’m not wearing this,” he says motioning to the uniform. “i’ll look ridiculous.”

“ridiculously y,” wonshik comments, his fingers trailing against the smooth white skin of his lover. “i think jaehwan has wonderful taste to what it is he picked out for you. plus think of it as a welcome back present since you were out for so long”

taekwoon snorts and ignores the second half of wonshik’s sentence. “i’m sure.”

he doesn’t say anything as he strips down, ignoring the sounds of lips smacking against each other and the quiet moans of his friends. he hates how the fabric is strangely gentle on his skin but he cringes at the thought of wearing an outfit like this again. he sighs, fingers running through dark locks before he adjusts his bow tie and smoothing down the white button down.

“i’m leaving,” he says to the two still very much entangled with each other. taekwoon doesn’t wait for either one of his friends to look at his outfit before he’s out the double doors and heading to the bar where hakyeon is entertaining people.

he sits on one of the many stools, his eyes looking out to the crowd for any signs of familiar faces but instead drinks in the sight of cluttered white table tops, the spanish décor lining the walls and the bright smiles on people’s face as they talk. taekwoon wishes that they all felt like him: depressed and wondering if the relationship he had was real or not.

“rough night?” hakyeon’s voice calls out, sounding almost teasing to the singer.

taekwoon forces a glare over his shoulder before turning completely around and grabbing the drink in hakyeon’s hand.

“you know,” hakyeon continues. “you’re going to have to tell me sooner or later. sooner i hope.”

“shut up,” the singer hisses through his drink. the vodka feels wonderful running down his throat and sighs in content.

“i will get you to tell me!” the bartender shouts when taekwoon downs his drink and stands up.

it’s time for taekwoon’s performance and he starts to wonder if he’s ready to face the world with his voice. he knows that nothing good would come if he chokes up and stutters on his words. he has wonderful friends that would make fun of him until the time of time. taekwoon sighs at this as he watches his oldest friend take the stage with a bounce in his step.

“alright you guys,” jaehwan chirps into the mic with a bright smile, his eyes landing on taekwoon’s unausmened face. “it’s that time of night when our favourite singer starts. so please give around of appluse for leo!”

the room is filled with loud claps and even louder hollers as taekwoon takes the stage, giving the crowd a small smile. jaehwan hands him a mic before he’s off stage and watching the man like a hawk.

“hello,” taekwoon’s voice fills the room once the claps and hollers stop. “i’m leo and i’ll be singing tonight.” he knows he sounds redundant but he doesn’t care. he just wants to step off the stage and continue to drink with a noisy hakyeon wanting to know what has his knickers in a twist.

taekwoon makes a face at the thought before clearing his throat. he motions for the band behind him to start and soon the room is filled with peaceful music and the soft voice that belongs to jung taekwoon. everyone can hear the heartbreak in his voice with each syllable that passes through his lips and see the expression one would wear when broken. everyone stops what they were doing to listen and taekwoon mentally smiles, just a bit.

the first and second song end with a mellow note before he takes his five minute break. chanyeol, the percussionist, walks us to taekwoon and asks him if something was wrong. no one had ever heard the lanky male sing so angsty before.

“don’t worry,” he says. “i’m fine, thank you.”

hakyeon already has another shot waiting for him but says nothing when he hands it to him. the younger can feel the bartender’s eyes on him and looks towards him, flashing a smile. his five minutes are up by the time he sets the glass against the counter and he’s up again letting people hear the softness and mellow tone of his voice.

it must have been when he wasn’t looking but there’s a new couple at one of the tables in front and for some reason they catch his attention. the couple are both males, one of them have bright blonde hair and the other a coffee brown. taekwoon can tell that they’re laughing and having a good time until he locks eyes with the brown haired man.

taekwoon’s face pales before his gaze hardens and the man looks startled. he doesn’t make a move and keeps his eyes on taekwoon’s moving form to the stage while the older shifted his gaze not a couple of beats before.

the singer doesn’t know what to sing with hongbin sitting in the front row, staring at him with those chocolate eyes that he loved to drown in.

it takes him a couple of minutes to compose himself and nod to the group standing behind him. he closes his eyes and lets the soft beat of the drums and the gentle sound of the spanish guitar start before he starts the ballad, each word passing through dry lips.

hongbin looks away the moment that taekwoon starts to sing the chorus and starts to motion to the man across the table. the singer continues and opens his eyes, staring right at the panicked man who will no longer look at the stage.

it’s that moment when the spanish lyrics of being a loser that taekwoon decides he wants nothing to do with hongbin and the pain that he felt. yes, he will still love hongbin with most of his heart but wallowing in self pity wasn’t going to get him anywhere.

he made his resolve but when he meets the other’s eyes, it quickly falls and taekwoon knows that the translation of the lyrics fit him to the t.

halfway through the song, taekwoon pictures hongbin standing with him and smiling brightly, their fingers intertwined and cheeks dusting pink. they dance to the song, hips swaying the left and the too the right and feet copying steps that are too hard for them to dance to.

a gasp is heard through the room, knocking him out of his daydream and he feels something wet against his cheek. taekwoon’s eyes dart to hongbin who’s staring at him with wide eyes and looking a bit pale. the singer is the first to react.

he steps away from the microphone and bolts off the stage and out of the restaurant, not paying attention to the callings coming from behind. he runs and runs until he’s in front of his apartment door, the numbers glittering innocently in the pale moonlight.

taekwoon knows that he’s pathetic.

taekwoon knows that he’s a loser.

he knows.

a/n: k, im done. this is bad and i shall leave. bye. (pardon mistakes. i'll fix them... i think.)