“We will go through this together.”

For a moment, he felt better.

But he didn’t know until when the easiness would stay with him.

--

Lee Kiseop and Shin Soohyun were friends since their first year in high school. They depended on each other, feeling more like brothers rather than friends. Through the good times, they would laugh together. And through the hard times, a hug from each other was all they need.

Their life was beautiful.

Until Kiseop knew that his death would part them sooner or later.

“Cirrhosis?”

Kiseop nodded, looking down to the ground.

“I have showed the symptoms for a quite long time, but I didn’t realize it.” He looked up to meet Soohyun’s concerned eyes. “Seems like you don’t realize it either.” He said, showing his sad smile that Soohyun swore he wouldn’t want to see anymore.

For a while, they remained silent. The hospital was a little more crowded than usual, but they could hear nothing besides their beating heart.

Kiseop felt sick thinking about how much time left until he could no longer hear his own heart beating.

In a moment, Kiseop felt he was being pulled into a soft embrace of his friend. Soohyun said nothing while running a soothing circle on his back, until he felt his shoulder was damped by Kiseop’s tears.

“It’s okay, Kiseop. Hang in there, and we will go through this together.”

They stood there for minutes, until Kiseop had enough strength to pull back and decided that they should go home.

He felt fatigued already.

--

Weeks passed after Kiseop was diagnosed with the life-threatening liver disease. Weeks with lots of tears, lots of medicines, lots of pains, and lots of heartache.

Even through the pain he experienced every now and then, he felt numb.

Soohyun was distancing himself.

Every time he felt this way, Kiseop questioned himself. Was it because of his illness? Or was it simply because Soohyun had got the job he had been dreaming of?

Whatever the reason was, he didn’t like it.

The more that time passes
You know that my heart is growing more and more
As my heart becomes bigger
You know my tears are increasing more and more

Kiseop practically dragged himself to the window of his room, just to stare at the rain that was pouring from the dark sky above.

It took a great effort for him to do such thing, but he hated it when he only could stay in bed doing nothing. He’d rather pass out from using a lot of energy.

The blond man reached out his trembling hand to touch the window.

Cold was all he could feel.

“Rain brings back memories…” He mumbled to himself.

It did, because he instantly remembered those days when he didn’t have to use a wheelchair to move around, when he could run all he wanted, when he wouldn’t cough up blood once in a while, when he got a fever only twice a year, and of all of that, what he remembered the most was those days when he could hang out with his dear best friend, the one he treated like a brother, Soohyun.

Should the rain stop, would it become okay?
Should you know my heart even though it's small?

“Kiseop, I’m home!”

The called person only turned his head a bit to catch a glimpse of Soohyun entering the room.

“Welcome home.” He greeted back in barely a whisper.

“Have you eaten yet?” Soohyun asked as he opened his wardrobe to search for more comfortable clothes.

Kiseop only nodded as an answer, he didn’t even turn his head to face Soohyun. This made Soohyun stopped what he was doing to stare at his friend’s figure.

“Are you alright?”

No, he wasn’t alright. He wanted to stand under the rain and let himself got wiped away, leaving this world to be free from all the pain he was feeling.

“I’m fine.” He answered instead.

Soohyun continued going through his wardrobe. “I’m gonna spend the night working, don’t stay up too long, okay?” He said before he left to the bathroom.

“Who are you to demand me?” Kiseop said under his breath. “Who are you now to take over my will?”

“I miss you, Soohyun…”

I miss you, I miss you
The unheard voice circling the mouth
Just circling and disappearing

Kiseop spent his time staring out of the window until the rain stopped. The sky got darker than before for it was 9 PM already. He yawned and stood up from his chair to go to bed. As much as he hated Soohyun, he didn’t want to worsen his health.

But he forgot he no longer had a powerful body that he could use to play soccer for hours.

His world spin and he didn’t even know he had dropped to the floor. Everything looked blur in his eyes, and as a last resort, he crawled to where Soohyun was working.

But even in the most hurting time, Kiseop didn’t want to disturb him. He didn’t want to ruin the work he had done for his own dream. With the energy he didn’t know he had, he went back to his bed and passed out almost immediately.

I love you, I love you
Spending days in pain in which I can't say anything
As time goes on, it becomes smaller

Months passed by with Kiseop’s condition being back and forth between improving and getting worse. He was tired of going in and out of the hospital, drinking countless amounts of medicines, stayed in bed for what felt like forever, and he hated how his appearance was completely showing that he was sick.

“Kiseop, take your medicine.” Soohyun came into Kiseop’s room, bringing a tray of lunch and Kiseop’s medicine. He walked up and sat down on the edge of the bed after placing the tray on the nightstand.

“Don’t want to.” Kiseop whispered.

“What?”

Kiseop frowned. “I don’t wanna take the medicine.” He said, this time loud and clear.

It was Soohyun’s turn to frown. “Eat your lunch first, then.” He took a bowl of soup and was seconds away from feeding Kiseop a spoonful when the boy turned his head away. “Why?” Soohyun asked in concerned.

“I’m tired.”

“But you have to eat, Kiseop. You want to get sick again?”

“I am sick.”

“Then you don’t want to get better?”

Kiseop had reached his limit. He turned his gaze to Soohyun, his eyes full of tears. “I won’t ever get better even if I take all those medicines! Screw it, I’m tired, Soohyun!” He yelled, wiping his tears with his hand.

Soohyun was surprised, but he calmly put down the bowl of soup and pulled Kiseop into his hug. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to force you.” He whispered softly. “You have to believe, Kiseop. God works in a mysterious way, and all we can do is believe. I understand if you’re tired, I can’t even imagine if I’m in your position, but you have to be strong, okay?” He said as he continued the blond man’s back.

But Kiseop wasn’t in the mood to listen. “I’d rather die.” He replied in sharp tone.

It surprised Soohyun and he let go of his hug to stare at Kiseop. “Don’t say that…! Be thankful that you’re alive, Kiseop. Many people out there are afraid of death, but you have the power to go on. Be thankful for that.”

“But you’re not even there to support me.”

“Just leave me alone.” Kiseop managed to say between his sobs.

The other man didn’t want to leave just like that, but he knew he had to. After giving Kiseop the last glance, he stood up. “I’m leaving your lunch and medicine here. Just please try to eat, okay?” With that, he left the room.

Kiseop spent minutes dazing off. Thoughts to contemplate suicide came to his mind, and it wasn’t the first time. He thought about it a lot of time, but he could never kill himself.

Kiseop was tired of crying, he wanted the tears to stop. He wanted to recover soon and he wanted to get back his old life.

A life where he used to be Soohyun’s closest friend.

Tears flow more and more
You know my heart that's only receiving more and more scars
My heart is stinging more and more
You know my appearance that is becoming more and more like that of an idiot

Somehow, Kiseop managed to get used to his loneliness. Sometimes he would tear up, but he believed praying would solve the problem.

The sun nearly set and the blond man predicted his housemate would come home a bit late, remembering it was Monday. He decided to take a shower and he wanted to sleep earlier.

With a light dizziness he had gotten used to, he walked to the bathroom and opened the door.

He didn’t even have the chance to close it.

Kiseop felt something choked his throat and his body instinctively coughed it out. His world was spinning already and all he saw was red.

Red? Soohyun loved red.

“Kiseop, what do you think of this shirt?”

Kiseop stared oddly at the shirt Soohyun was holding. “Red? Isn’t it a bit too girly?”

Soohyun frowned. “But I like red.”

“Why do you ask me then? Just go buy it if you like it.” Kiseop suggested. Then he smiled to the other boy. “Red looks good on you anyway.”

Soohyun’s face lit up and he didn’t wait anymore, purchasing the shirt immediately.

Kiseop felt sick and he coughed up even more of the red thing—his blood, yes. His knees gave up under him and he was seconds away from crashing the bathroom tiles if he didn’t reach out his shaky hands to support his body.

It wasn’t the first time, but he was panic. Soohyun wasn’t home and Kiseop didn’t know when the guy would come home. He would probably find Kiseop dead already from losing too much blood.

His surrounding had not stopped spinning it felt like he was riding a Viking which could stand up 90 degrees.

Viking? Soohyun loved riding Viking.

“Kiseop! Viking! We have to ride that!” Soohyun exclaimed enthusiastically.

Kiseop’s face turned sour. “You know I don’t like riding things like that.” He excused.

“Oh, come on! Just this time, please?” Soohyun pleaded.

After a round of yes and no, Kiseop gave in himself to be pulled to the scary thing. In a moment, both of them were on the last row of seats.

“I told you we should take the middle seat!” Kiseop yelled, yet they hadn’t even started.

“It’s more fun like this, you know!”

They spent the next minutes screaming. Soohyun was screaming in joy while it was a pure misery for his blond friend.

The dizziness had become unbearable and Kiseop practically gave up. He slammed his body to the floor and closed his eyes, hoping not to see the angel of death yet.

He still had a lot of things to say to his best friend.

--

Kiseop was woken up by the smell of hospital. The sharp smell of antiseptic, alcohol, and medicine.

He felt a tiny bit of relief when he saw the familiar figure of Shin Soohyun, sitting on the chair beside his bed, looking half-asleep.

Kiseop tried to call him, but his throat hurt like hell. So he moved his arm instead and he succeeded in touching his hair.

Soohyun jerked awake and immediately moved closer to Kiseop.

“Kiseop, how are you feeling?” He asked in concern.

“I’m feeling like a douche bag.” Kiseop forced his voice to come out and regretted it a second after he finished talking. It felt like something was burning his throat.

Soohyun grinned and sat back. “I’m glad you’re saved, be careful next time, okay?” He said.

Kiseop mumbled as an answer. He tried to find a clock but couldn’t find any. “What time is it now?” He asked.

“Five AM in the morning. I have to go to work soon, I’ll come back here around five or six PM, okay?” Soohyun answered as he stood up and was ready to leave.

“No, not okay. I want you to stay here.”

“Don’t forget to eat your breakfast and lunch, take your medicine also.” Soohyun said when he stood in front of the door, holding the knob.

“I don’t want to if you’re not here.”

“Get a lot of sleep too.”

“How do I suppose to sleep?”

“See you later, Kiseop. Bye!”

“Bye…”

He wished he died yesterday.

--

Soohyun wasn’t doing really well at work that day. He just felt out of the mood. Maybe because what happened to Kiseop last night, but he wasn’t sure either. There was something else bothering him, but he didn’t know what.

He hurriedly walked out of his office at five PM, heading to the hospital straightly. He didn’t look at his surrounding and he was now at the end of the corridor where Kiseop’s room was located.

Nurses were walking here and there, as if something was happening.

Soohyun gulped and took all the effort to walk with his shaky legs.

Could it be?

He reached the door to Kiseop’s room and he wondered how he didn’t pass out.

Kiseop was gone.

His body was still lying there peacefully, but he knew Kiseop was gone.

Soohyun walked inside, staring at his friend whose eyes were closed as if he was just sleeping.

“Mr. Shin Soohyun?” He heard someone call his name. He turned his head and saw a doctor. The doctor handed him a piece of folded paper. “I found this on the nightstand, it’s from Mr. Lee Kiseop for you.”

With a shaky hand, he received the paper. Sitting down, he slowly opened it. The paper was full with Kiseop’s handwriting.

“The Lord is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid? (Psalm 27:1)

Soohyun, the best thing ever happened to me is having you by my side. Without you, I wouldn’t make it this far.

Our meeting was a fate, and our parting is a fate too.

Thank you for being the one I’m depending on all these years. Thank you for giving me courage everything I felt like giving up. Thank you for smiling and laughing with me even though you were sad. Thank you for the smile you have given me.

I didn’t know it would end like this; I thought we would be together forever, even after we meet our own love of our life. I was sad, I was broken, I denied the world.

But there is nothing we can do to fight against the will of God.

I am truly thankful for being able to see you for the last time this morning. I missed you, Soohyun. I wished we could spend more time, knowing my time is so short. But I think it’s too late already.

Soohyun, even though I’m gone, please continue living on for me. Reach your dream and fight with all your will. ‘Cause I’ll be watching over you from the Heaven above. I believe you can do everything, because you are a person with a strong will. You’re the type of person who will go through anything to get what you want. That’s one of thousand reasons why I like you.

I wish I can tear this paper and throw it to the trash can, and meet you this afternoon as if nothing had happened.

But if you’re reading this now, it means I am no longer with you.

Soohyun, my best friend, my brother. I’m sorry for not being able to be with you until the end.

미안하단말밖에할수없는나.

[There is nothing I could say beside I’m sorry.]

I love you.

‘Till we meet again,

Kiseop.”

Soohyun was brought back to the Earth by a pat on his shoulder.

“I’m so sorry for your lost.”

He didn’t know who said that, but when he realized he had lost his Kiseop forever, he couldn’t stop the tears as scenarios of “if only” appeared on his mind.

If only he spent more time with Kiseop. If only he didn’t go to work today. If only Kiseop told him that he missed him. If only he could be a better person for a person that meant the world for him.

But it was just “if only”.

I love you, I love you
My heart the screams out those words, if it's not you
My forbidden heart becomes larger and larger

--

It had been a few months after Kiseop went away. Soohyun always visited Kiseop once a week, just to make up the mistakes he had made. Even though he knew it was too late.

Soohyun walked up to the hill where Kiseop’s grave was. He remembered Kiseop talking about where he wanted his grave to be; and hill was one of them and the easiest—who would build a grave under the ocean and who would want to visit a grave in the woods?

After a few steps, Soohyun was standing in front of his life-time best friend’s grave. He sat down and looked up to the clear-blue sky in front of him.

“Hey, Kiseop.” He greeted. Even though he knew no one would reply, he believed Kiseop always heard him. “Guess I don’t have to tell you the story of my life, since I know you’re watching my every move.” He continued.

He paused a little, playing with the grass beneath his body. Then he stared at where Kiseop’s name was written. “But you know, I met this girl and…,” He shrugged. “I’m hoping to stay with her for the rest of my life. Are you with me, dude?”

As if answering, the wind blew slightly stronger.

Soohyun chuckled. “I know it’s you. Thanks, brother. If nothing stands on my way, I would never forget visiting you every week. Don’t be mad at me if I can’t come, alright?”

A piece of dry leaf slapped Soohyun’s head.

“I said I’m sorry…!” He mumbled. Then he let out a heavy sigh. “Have you forgiven me, Kiseop?”

The wind blew one more time, making the dry leaf flew away.

Soohyun smiled, and he knew Kiseop was smiling too. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.”

For me, there is only you…