"Hey, what are you doing?"

She shot me a glare, before it somehow softened and she looked away to the scenery she was earlier viewing - nothingness.

"Can I join?"

After a couple more seconds she gave me a look before turning away again.

"Does it matter? Isn't this your house?" She muttered quietly.

"Oh...uhm, right. Of course I can." I sheepishly smiled, or rather, cringed to myself for being so awkwardly embarassing even to a kid less than ten years old. Well, when you're used to be looked down upon by everyone around you, this kind of awkwardness would naturally just develop on its own - if I could use that as an excuse.

It doesn't help that she's been so reserved and quiet and keeping to herself most time when not with her mother. So...cold and distant. Not what I'd expect from a young child, especially someone who's mother is as chirpy as Jinyoung. I could still remember how starkingly different Jinyoung was, when she's at this age. In fact, JJ...she probably reminded me of my own childhood, my growing up years, my self, my unhappy self. And it was all the pursuit of perfection that led me to where I am. The determination to not mess up, to be the best example of an older sister, to be the daughter that won't bring shame to my mother and could be a pride. I guess, all first born children would understand this feeling, unless they just can't be bothered. And the feeling of mother depending on me to bring her honour back after her self worth was all shattered and scattered everywhere after her divorce with my father. Ahh, I don't know how she would be able to take Jinyoung's divorce now. This is the worst that could happen. Not to mention her first daughter that was supposed to be the perfect example for her little sister was even worse. I guess I'm a failure after all.

There were many first born children who had just as miserable childhood as they're expected to be the perfect example for their younger siblings and be the family pride, but yet, they still manage to find success and happiness, but I...I didn't even know what went wrong. Maybe it was the fact that I'm a far cry from perfection that the pursuit of it only brought me farther and farther from neither success nor happiness, that I drifted little by little to where I am now, at the point of no return. Too old to find my way back and restart everything.

Too late.

It would be a lie if I say I'm not hoping for a miracle that would change my life into something else, still. Even though I should've known better, that this hope, only brought me more and more pain. It would be a lie as well, if I even thought I had met that miracle, only to have it shattered, watered down by reality, and now, it looked like it was about to be torn apart, burnt yet again for the second time in a short period of time, by the same thing - reality, a fact that I could not pretend to not see. My experience with the whole thing of romance and dating, was a far cry from anything worth bragging. Even when I was younger and did have a boyfriend, for that only one time, it never made my heart race, or fluttered, or so beautifully aching it felt like I could die for it with no regrets, as heroines in novels often feel, it never felt anything deep beyond the surface, it never felt real, and most unfortunate of all, it never felt like love. 

Yet, I felt all that rushing sensation, that made my throat dry, butterflies in my stomach, heart beating fast in excitement as I was certain silly giddy smiles etched on my lips just by watching and catching tails of their interactions and seeing how their faces brightened at each others' sight. Even though, a week ago, he was supposed to come into our house, to be introduced as my husband-to-be, not as someone who would look like he's dating my sister instead, to anyone who's not blind or deaf. After all, according to...that river guy...kid, Jerry, he's the one who would end my dragging y stage of life that's the life out of me with every single day. And I stupidly want to believe that kid even though he didn't resemble a fortune teller one bit and probably is the most disturbing human being I've ever met my entire life. But I believed him. He wasn't lying. I could still remember the day after when Jerry just appeared at my doorway, as if dropped from the sky, sent straight to me as a reward for...putting up with...that kid, the night before, and with the whole ty life without rbeaking down the whole time before. As stupid a story that was, I held onto it, because everything seemed to fit perfectly, like fate. He's my fate, sent to save me from my pathetic self, to be my soulmate.

And here I was, watching my soulma