Taemin.

He was all Kibum could think about. Taemin, Taemin, Taemin. Kibum would be completely focused on something else, but then somehow he'd end up thinking about the other boy. To him this was a weakness. It was a part of himself he didn't like. He didn't want to be up until two in the morning wondering if Taemin liked him as much back and half hoping he'd get to experience one of his cute hugs again. He wasn't a mushy person. He usually didn't do stuff like this.

When Kibum had been in middle school he'd had his first crush on another boy. He'd drawn pictures of him without the other knowing, and he had started to think about him a lot. But when he'd tried to become closer and simply become friends with his classmate he'd been rejected for being "too weird."

Kibum didn't mind being different, in fact he quite liked it, but there was something about having made himself vulnerable around someone else and then having them reject him that cut deep. Since then Kibum had never tried to get close to anyone he had a crush on. Especially after he had grown up and learned that most people expected from a relationship.

That was what made his thoughts about Taemin so aggravating. He knew he'd never act on them, never try to be that close with his friend. Their friendship was at a good place now and he wasn't about to go and sabotage it. But, if there was a chance that Taemin felt the same way... that Taemin might be ok with not having a physical relationship with someone...

There were too many 'what ifs,' and it was driving him crazy.

"Just talk with him." Was the advice that Jinki had offered, after forcing Kibum to tell him why he'd been so weird lately, but of course it was easy for Jinki to say that. There was too much at stake, and Kibum didn't think he could bear to be rejected by someone like Taemin.

"How would I even start to talk about this with him?" He had retorted to his friend. "Hi, I think you're cute, but not hot. I mean, not that you're ugly or something. I was wondering if you wanted to hang out sometime and maybe cuddle but like not too much cause I don't like people touching me really, but I think you're probably a person that would respect my boundaries? Yea, he's definitely going to say yes to that offer."

"I think you're worrying too much about it." Jinki had said, wrapping his arm protectively around his friend. "From how Minho talks about him and what I've seen of him he seems to be a really great guy, and even if he wasn't interested I think he'd be really respectful about it."

"But-"

"But what?" Jinki interrupted. "Sure, you can take the safe route and never let him know, but think of how great it would be if you talked with him and he felt the same way about you. You'll never know that if you don't do anything. I know it to make yourself vulnerable like that, especially around someone you respect, but it really could be worth it in the end."

"I've always known what's best for me before though." Kibum divulged reluctantly. "Now I'm not so sure. He makes me feel so damn conflicted and I hate it."

"I don't want to force you to do anything you don't feel ready to do, but I really do think that talking about something is the best way to deal with a situation like this. Plus, Minho has said that Taemin really likes your company. "

Sometimes Kibum felt like he wanted to scream. Somehow there was a difference between 'being yourself' and actually being yourself. The first one came naturally to him. He had no problem giving his honest opinion about things. He'd wear whatever he wanted, and if something annoyed him he'd be the first one to speak up about it, but somehow this was different. He didn't want it to be, but it was.

He had gotten too comfortable with Taemin's smile, his laugh, his presence next to him in class and after school.

Kibum liked being different, but sometimes deep down he hated himself for being so damn weird.

It was easy to put off talking with Taemin about his feelings; seasons changed, worked piled up, college application deadlines were fast approaching. Plus, Taemin was extra busy with dance practice. Kibum's friends were an escape from the stress of everything else that was going on in his life. They had made a collective decision to not talk about anything school related when they were together, and Kibum was thankful for it. His portfolio was missing just one piece, and he wasn't sure that anything he already had made would be good enough.

In class they were putting the finishing touches on their landscape paintings. Both Taemin and Kibum's had turned out really well, and they were both pleased. Taemin had come over to Kibum's house to hang out with Jinki and sketch a couple more times recently, and he was definitely improving.

It was after a similar sketching session at Kibum's house when Kibum put down his pencil and stretched his arms above his head, twisting his body left and right.

"Ouch." He muttered quietly to himself.

Taemin looked up from his own sketch. Jinki hadn't been able to make it that day, and both he and Kibum had been so wrapped up in their own sketching that they hadn't been chatting much. He liked being able to enjoy someone else's presence without feeling the pressure of needing to start conversation.

"Is it your back?" he asked Kibum knowingly. "I know it's been bothering you."

Kibum groaned as he arched his back in attempts to relieve some pain. "Yea, it's from working on my portfolio all the time. It's honestly killing me. Like can I buy a new back right now? Cause I totally would."

"Do you, I mean, would you want me to massage your back a bit?" Taemin asked kindly, putting down his own pencil. "We do it in dance all the time, it really helps."

Kibum tensed up automatically.

"I know you said you don't like people touching you so I'd be really gentle, and you can tell me to stop whenever you want."

Taemin didn't want to overstep Kibum's boundaries, but he did want to help his friend. He knew how annoying back pain could be, and how relieving it felt to have someone else loosen up your muscles.

Kibum stared off into space for a bit and then shook his head.

"You know what, I'd usually say no, but it's like a stabbing pain right now so I'll let you. Don't start walking on my back or something though, and armpits are strictly off limits or else I'll never trust you again."

Taemin held up a hand to pledge his honesty. "I promise."

He guided Kibum to lay down on his stomach on his bed, and he climbed up to sit next to him on it. He started slowly, just using his thumbs to knead into the parts on Kibum's shoulders and upper back that were bringing him the most pain. After he felt Kibum's body relax more and begin to trust him he started to use his whole hands, feeling points of tension, and slowly massaging them to loosen them up. Taemin kept his hands strictly on Kibum's top half and didn't even try to touch his lower back. He figured since he was already crossing  a boundary that Kibum usually had that he didn't want to do too much, no matter how platonic the action may have been.

Kibum was silent for the most part besides responding to Taemin's questions of, "Does this feel okay? Is it ok if I put my hand here? Is this too much?"  He would have almost regretted saying yes to Taemin if what Taemin was doing didn't feel so nice and relieving. He hadn't fully realized how stressed he'd been the past couple weeks.

After massaging Kibum's back Taemin used the tips of his fingers to swirl circles all over his upper back. Kibum felt a shiver go down his spine and he sighed contentedly. He was so relaxed now he really didn't want to go back to their work.

Taemin finished and shuffled over on the bed to give Kibum some space to sit up. However, the other boy remained stationary.

"How was it?" Taemin asked, feeling a bit unsure.

"It felt too good, and now I don't want to move." Kibum's response was muffled by the bed, making Taemin smile.

"Did I do too much?" he wanted to be sure.

"Don't worry, it was ok." Kibum reassured him as he finally got up and sat next to Taemin, facing him. "Thanks for being so cautious with me. It means a lot."

Taemin met Kibum's gaze earnestly. "If I ever do something you don't like or you aren't comfortable with please let me know."

"Thanks, you too." Kibum felt kind of bad. "Is your back bothering you too? Do you want me to do anything?"

Taemin shifted his shoulders around, thinking.

"I mean, if you're offering I'm never gonna turn down someone massaging my shoulders, cause they're usually pretty tight."

"I'll try to help. Let me know if I'm doing anything wrong though."

Taemin turned around so Kibum could shift to sit closer to him and put his arms on the other boy's shoulders. He tried to imitate whatever he imagined Taemin had done to him earlier, and Taemin confirmed that what he was doing felt ok.

As he worked through the knots on Taemin's shoulders Kibum couldn't help but feel a little weird. All of this was so new to him. He'd never been this physically intimate with someone else before. Maybe to the average person what they were doing was nothing, and he still saw their actions as platonic, but this was definitely something that he wouldn't do with just anyone. He'd never let himself be vulnerable in this way around someone else before. Even the thought that he'd laid down and just let Taemin touch him made his stomach squirm a little. But it had been ok, it had felt good, it wasn't too much. He wondered if Taemin was feeling anything similar to what he was, if what they were doing meant anything to him. Kibum knew he wanted to know the truth. How did Taemin see him? Was he at all special to him? There was only one way to find out...

Kibum starred at Taemin, his mind whirring. He was gonna do it, he was actually going to ask his friend what he looked for in a relationship. This conversation would most likely lead to him admitting his feelings for Taemin.

"Just do it, just spit it out!!" Kibum braced himself to start talking. Taemin looked so nice and trustworthy right now. He could do this, he could do it, he could-

"Um, Taemin." He forced himself to start, his voice a little shaky. " Do you, I mean, what do you-"

"KIBUM, ARE YOU HOME?!"

The two boys jumped at the sudden noise, Kibum mentally kicking himself for being unable to finish what he was going to say. He wasn't sure he'd have the confidence now.

"Wait here." He told Taemin as he got off the bed to confirm his suspicions of what was going on outside.

This wasn't the first time his parents had shown up without warning. He walked to the front door to find his mom placing  a bunch of boxes on the kitchen table. At the sight of her son she ran up to him and enveloped him in a big hug.

"Kibum!! It's so great to see you." She said, kissing his forehead. "I hope we didn't disrupt your studies."

"It's good to see you too mom." Kibum replied once she let go of him. He couldn't help but smile. It had been months since his parents had last been home. "I was just doing some work with my friend, Taemin. Where's dad?"

"He's out by the car getting our luggage. Is Taemin still here? You can go back to working with him while we unpack." She said as she ruffled his hair.

"I mean, we were kind of finishing up anyway, I'll go see what he wants to do." Kibum turned to go back to his room.

"You can invite him to come to dinner with us tonight!" His mom called after him.

Kibum returned to his room to find Taemin curled up on his bed and admiring the mural on his wall. Once he heard Kibum come in he sat up quickly, his cheeks faintly pink. Kibum felt bad for disturbing him.

"Is everything ok?" Taemin asked.

"Yea, it's just my parents." Kibum walked over to sit next to Taemin. "My mom asked if you'd like to join us for dinner."

"You don't get to see your parents a lot, right? I don't want to intrude. It's your time to be together." Taemin paused, unsure. "Unless you'd feel better if I went? Are you happy they're here?"

Kibum thought. "Yes and no? Like I hate that they're never here, and then they just show up and expect me to drop everything to see them, but they're my parents. I love them, and I do like to spend time with them. It can just be a little complicated. But I try to focus on the positive when they're here, cause I don't know the next time I'll see them. The fact that they're here now means they probably won't be here for Christmas though."

Taemin could tell that his friend's thoughts were weighing him down so he softly and briefly wrapped his arms around him.

"I'll leave to let you have time with them. I think it's good to try and enjoy the time you have with them. And I don't know what you usually do for Christmas, but you're more than welcome to come over to my house."

Kibum felt his heart swell with emotion. "Thanks, that means a lot. We can talk about it later."

Soon after Taemin was back at his own house mulling over his own thoughts. He was so happy that Kibum had let him so close to him that afternoon. He really felt that their relationship was growing stronger, and he knew now that he could fully trust Kibum. Other people he’d known before that weren’t from dance would've tried to feel him up in a situation like that or turn a massage into a makeout session.

He couldn't deny that the closer he'd gotten to Kibum the more feelings he'd started to have about him, and that the short time he'd been able to touch his friend had made a part of him hunger for more, but he wasn't about to cross that line with someone who didn't seem to be comfortable with it. Plus, that wasn't what was important to him right now. He had to decide whether or not to confess to Kibum, to risk their friendship. He wasn't sure if Kibum would be able to be as comfortable around him anymore if he knew that Taemin had feelings for him, no matter how much he might trust him. All he could do now was wait and hope that the right moment would arise.

Author's Note: Hello everyone! I hope you're having a nice holiday if you celebrate one of them. :) I really hope you like this chapter. It gave me a lot of trouble. I really wanted to try and create this sort of vulnerable moment between the two of them, and I'm not sure I really achieved that. I've done dance since I was little and from what I've seen dancers are really comfortable touching one another casually and platonically without it meaning anything. So Taemin has this conflicting background of seeing things like massages as platonic, but also of the people he's dated before that always tried to push his boundaries. I also really wanted to show Taemin respecting Kibum's boundaries and showing him that he will always treat him with respect, cause this is really important to me.

Thanks so much for all your comments, and for subscribing. As always, feel free to leave comments, questions, suggestions, etc. *hugs* I hope you're all feeling well.