Smile Again

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have finally managed to get some time alone, away from prying eyes. I’ve been waiting to do this ever since I heard about their concert in Tokyo Dome.

There was a song that I wanted to hear. One that I was told they made for us. The three of them, JYJ. Jaejoong, Yoochun and Junsu. A song for Changmin and me.

Moving to my bedroom, I my laptop and started fidgeting while I waited for the thing to load. I was a little paranoid because I was not supposed to have any form of contact with any of the members of DBSK, and that included not following their activities. I was simply supposed to pretend they didn’t exist.

That DBSK had never existed…yeah right…as if that would ever happen.

Grabbing my mouse from the desk drawer, I smiled briefly when I saw the image of Hamtaro on the back of the device.

´Jaejoong gave me that mouse as a gift’, I thought sadly.

I clicked on the YouTube link and typed the name of the song and artist. There were a lot of lived videos of the song so I chose the one that looked better. A stage came on the screen and I hit the pause button quickly so it could load.

W was the name of the song they composed for us.

I took a deep breath and clicked play.

(JYJ-W; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pt-tEs7wz6E&feature=related)

I saw the three of them appear on the screen. And I held my breath when the melody started. A number of thoughts passed through my head, but the one that stayed with me was only one.

The stage didn’t look complete without the five of us.

 Junsu started singing and my breath left me. The song was beautiful and sad. The lyrics fitting the melody in a harmonious way.

*Keep in mind that I love you…*

I suddenly felt so very lonely.

“Guys…” I said in barely a whisper.

*I wish…*

Jaejoong started singing.

I wanted to cry. I wanted to curl up in my bed and cry my eyes out, but I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the screen.

My best friend was there, singing words that I needs to hear so badly, words that at the same time hurt so much because right now, things were screwed up and I couldn’t do anything to make it right again. Not yet.

*We can only wish that you are happy*

I wished so badly I could be there with them, standing on the stage, singing right next to each other.

Where we were meant to be.

I let out a shaky sigh and the chorus came again.

I felt my heart stop when Jae’s voice hitched and I just couldn’t stop my tears from falling when he just closed his eyes and stopped singing.

Jaejoong!

I couldn’t believe I was watching one of the strongest people I had ever met trying to compose himself enough to continue singing.

*We love you both*

He looked heartbroken.

‘Just like I felt’ I thought dejectedly.

*Please hold on*

I wiped my eyes with the back of my hands but my tears just wouldn’t stop falling. I could hear their plea in the song. Their encouragement to continue and to hold on.

I was supposed to be the strong one!

I was their leader.

Junsu sang next, and my heart finished breaking when he just broke down completely and started sobbing in the middle of the song.

Yoochun was crying too, I could see his face too and it was wet from his tears.

Watching Yoochun crying reminded me of happier times. He along with Min would always cry at award ceremonies. But those were tears of happiness.

Unlike these ones.

*I want to see you*

Around them I saw the red sea of their –no…- of our fans. I listened to their voices and I could hear the desperation there.

Their longing to be together again.

God, I missed them so much! I wanted to see them, to have them next to me once again. I wanted to tell them that I loved them and that everything would be alright.

*I still expect you to be standing next to me*

They were right. We were supposed to be together, singing and dancing like it has always been. We had to meet again.

We will meet again.

I will fix things. I will make everything right again. I HAVE to.

I am their leader!

*We’ll all smile again*

“Yes, Chunnie.” I said conviction in my words for the first time in a long time. “You, Jae, Susu, Min and I” I nodded to myself. “We’ll all smile again!” 

The End