New Beginnings Part 1

 

“Leave!! Get Out!! I Don't want you here!!”

 

“Your not my real kid!! Get out of MY Face!!!”

 

“I Don't Love You!!! I Never Did!!!”

“You said you did!! You said you would take care of me; you said you loved me...”

“I never said that Before in my life!! Go Find A Person that will love you and accept you, which is no one!!”

 

Yep. Those words were spoken. No not on Tv, not to some boyfriend/girlfriend, not even a sibling rivlary. Those words were spoken to me. And they lingered or I guess you could say echoed into my brain. They implanted some deep message in me that where I'm at,the life I'm leading is not what I should be doing. I went throgh Foster home to Foster home hoping and praying that each time I went even if it was somewhat bad it wouldn't be as bad as the worst. Yep, I prayed. But, some things just never turned out the way you want them to. Have you ever had that feeling? Thats my life. And each place I've been to had to be worse than the last one. And no, I'm not talking about just a yelling to when you don't do what your told. I'm talking about a full grown beating when you didn't finish your food or left a scratch on a dish. And no, not some belt. Either a wire hanger,cord, or a switch. For those who don't know what a switch is, its a long branch from a tree peeled off and sharpened. Ouch. And if I was fortunate she would actually let me have more than one cup of water a day or she would let me play with her 'real' son as she would tag him as. I was always tagged as the 'other person' or 'outsider' or even 'It Girl', and not the cool it girl, the lame one. Never really a real name, just a place holder for some other kid or me being some alien that got dropped off from a far distant planet that only had you on it. And thats how I felt; I was all alone in this world. No one loved me, No one trusted me and because of my circumstances I didn't trust anybody else in this world. I have felt this way for awhile, probably ever since my parents passed away....

 

Flash Back

 

“Happy Birthday To You!! Happy Birthday To You!!” My mother ended the song with a grin on her face falling from ear to ear. I replicated what she did as I watched the waiter come over to us carrying a birthday cake. By this time all of the people in the restaurant have started clapping and congratulating me.

 

When the waiter walked over to our table he set down the cake and started to speak with a little bit of happiness present in his voice.

 

“So, how is the birthday girl? How old are you turning?” I put my little index finger on my chin trying to look cute while thinking of how old I was turning. I already knew but I wanted to have fun. I heard a chuckle in the background which eventually broke my thinking trance and brought me back down to earth. I started laughing along with the person and then the whole crowed of people from before joined in too. While still laughing I finally gave the waiter his answer he probably has been waitng for.

“7. I'm turning 7.” He leaned down and ruffled my head while smiling.

 

“Well, good for you. You seem to be getting older.” He then glanced over at my parents-partically my mom- and continued talking. “I could only imagine the mouthful let alone handful she might be when she becomes a teenager. I pray for you.” He said while slightly chuckling.

 

“Oh. We promise to always be there for our little daughter through ups and downs. We will always support her and be there for her. Its just nice to know that right now, she is content with where she's at and we're happy. I couldn't imagine being anywhere else but by her side. I Love Her.” She finished it while pecking me on the forehead and huggin me tight. She wanted to see me grow up, she wanted the best for me, but she also wanted to always be by my side during ups and downs. I Love You too mother but you don't realize too how much of a lie your statement was gonna become.

~~

“No!! Mother!!” I was being held back forcibly but gently by a police officer. Our car has just gotten into a car crash and It was a huge impact; it was totaled to be exact. We were driving down the road and we drove past an intersection. My mother was too busy talking about how happy she was for me and how she loves me so much and wants to see me mature but she didn't look out for the car speeding down the road which at the time looked like 30 mph but now looking back on it it seems as though it was about 80 miles per hour. Enough to make an impact but also enough force to take someone's life. And thats exactly what it did. But in my case it took two. Two of the dearest people closest to me and Two of the only people I have ever trusted, cared for, and loved. I miss them so badly.

Good thing my seatbelt was on or else I would have gone with them. But thats better; better being dead than to suffer being in this world with no one by your side to sing stories to make you go to bed or to tickle you or even to just say 'honey, sweetie, daughter.' None of that. That was all taken from me the day my parents died and it can never be replaced. I remember ever so faintly running under the police tape and looking forward at the crashed car. I didn't really know how to think of it at the time. I was scared but more worried than anything that the two people that cherished me will no longer be visible in my sight 24/7 everyday of the week.

When I walked over there I saw mom halfway breathing as if she was holding on for dear life and she was. I hold onto her hand all the way until she went into the stretcher. I don't even know where dad went and if I recall it even harder then it will make my head hurt. But I remember by heart the last conversation me and my mom had before her life got taken from her.

 

“Mom!! Mom!! Please don't leave....”

 

“Where Am I going?”

 

“I don't know. But I can't live without you! I'm scared! I need you.”

 

“I won't ever leave you baby!! You know why!?!” She was trying to grasp onto oxygen for dear life as she squeezed my hand tighter.

 

“B-B-Because you promised. You promised!!”

 

“No. Because I love you. Your my only daughter I don't want to ever leave the sight of you. Your the most precious being I have ever come to know. I love you..so much.” Then why did you?

 

“Mother!! Mother!! I love you too. Don't die on me!!” Her eyes started to close as I begun squeezing onto her hand with both of mine now. But her eyes suddenly widened open at my last exclaim.

 

“What did I tell you? I will Never leave you!! you hear me?”

 

“But-but-”

 

“I need you to promise me that you will be strong with yourself and build yourself up as a woman. A strong woman. Show mommy that you can be good. Open up more to people. Do it all for me.”

 

“Yes, mother. Yes.” Her eyes started to close again and I found out that she was losing air and needed a oxygen tank. I lightly shook her hand to wake her up and to my surprise when she did. She started singing.

 

“Happy Birthday to You!! Happy Birthday to You!!” I was confused but then sung along. I knew this was it.

 

“Happy Birthday To Me!!” This was the day that I will remember as my most fondest, happiest, but also saddest memory of my mother.

 

“Happy Birthday to You!!” We said the last part in unison. She was running out of oxygen quicker and only had about 30 seconds left before she would be out of this world and out of my grasp.

 

“....I Love You...Please, live everyday as if it is your birthday. Live like everyday is your day and you don't care what people say. You don't take nothing from nobody. You are you. And that is how it is.”

 

“I love you too...Don't leave.”

 

“I said I wasn't gonna leave...”And with that she drifted off into the darkness that surrounded the nightime and my loud crying engulfed us all. People might of thought I was too young to actually register what was going on but I knew, I knew perfectly all too well what was going on and I didn't like it. Not one bit.

I looked at her lifeless body; pale as ever, lips chapped. I felt dead at that moment as if a part of me has lost my other half. I needed her. And after that moment I could never open up to anybody else. I did exactly what she told me Not to do. I was strong for about the first 5 days but then fell off the wagon. I never loved, never kissed,never laughed, never even cried. I found myself pathethic sometimes and I knew I was. My mother left out of my grasp and left a dark hole in my heart but never I repeat never will anyone else be able to fill the gap that she once inhabited

 

As I explained earlier, after going through Foster Homes after Foster homes. I had enough. I went away; ran away from them and left. I didn't no where I was going but I knew for a fact it wasn't gonna be there. They despised me but I despised them just as much if not, even more. If thats even possible...

 

I have lived by myself for about 6 years. I garned up change and crashed in a hotel for a few days or on some days I just found myself being homeless. I had life insurance money but since me not being legal age yet I couldn't have it. So now I have to scrounger around Seoul at nighttime for the proximity of at least a year. OK. That is not good. I have no family, no friends, no life, no money. All I am left with is a still broken heart. It seems that the longer it sits there the more rotten it got. Sometimes, in some parts of my mind I have a hinkering to actually find someone who can fill my heart with the same type of love my mother showed but sadly it has never happened yet. Until.....

~~

Here I am walking down the street at about 10 o'clock at night and I decide to just stay in the cementery. Well, since its dead like me and my heart I think I fit in just nicely. I plug some earphones in and lay down.

After thinking about nonsense gibberish for a good 10 minutes my eyes start to drift off but not before I hear voices..coming in my direction. Well, I am a strong woman so I shouldn't be scared but I am and really badly at that. I get all of my belongings and start to book but then for some unknown reason they start calling after me and chasing me. I start to book even fast but since its Spring and I'm in a cementery I fall on the slippery mud that the rain made a few days ago. While trying to get up my foot gets stuck in the mud and I can't get up. I decide to at least keep still and try to keep my breathing calm which is really hard to do.

 

Once I think the coast is clear I get my foot up out of the mud and run towards the bus stop. I leaned onto the side railing panting thinking that my problems are over until I hear a loud and husky voice behind me.

 

“Hey, you!!” I slowly turn around and see exactly what you would expect from some creepy dude. Buff, bald,mustache,and a bunch of tatoos.

 

“Y-Yes?”

 

“Why you out this late at night?” He said while walking closer.

 

“Oh, just taking a nice stroll.” I motioned with my arms to show him what I mean while also smiling awkardly.

 

“Well, let me take a stroll with you..” He said with a snarky smile and then he pulled me towards an alley. He slammed me against the wall and started bargering about money and my family. I told him i didn't have any of either but he just slapped me against the wall. I got so scared that I just cowered into a ball on the floor. He got to my eye level and breathed into my face while my cheek. Because of the shock I passed out but not before seeing and faintly hearing someone come up to him. He has a hood and nice hair...Hmmm..that was the last thing I thought before I drifted into unconciousness....

 

~~

I yawned slightly and lifted my head up. While my eyes were drowsy my head hurt a lot..Everything was so blurry...Where am I? With still blurry eyes I look around to see not than many colors; just your basic primary and I see a couch....nice. But that still doesn't explain where I'm at!! I scrunch up my head while thinking so hard...Last thing I rememeber I fainted and thats about it.....I think...I then open my ears to hear people talking quietly in a whisper so as not to wake someone...maybe thats me..I hear them saying things like, “Oh,she's pretty.” “Is she up yet?” “Hyung?! Can we please go back?” Don't know what thats all about...I then opened my eyes fully and saw 10 faces-beautiful I might add-staring at me with creepy pedo smiles. I leaned slowly back because I was pretty freaked out...I hit my head against the head board and started to rub it subconciously. I looked back up while squinting my eyes because of the pain and saw them just staring at me with worried expression's written all over them. I was actually genuinely shocked. Someone actually cared about me?! Wait! If they did care about me they would ask if I'm OK and tell me what happened. Don't let your hopes get up too high!! I just sighed and smiled thinking that if I did they would warm up to me and tell me something about last night...cause apparently they are the ones who brought me here. My smile must have been pretty scary-I haven't smiled in about 4 years-because one of them just walked away awkwardly while scratching his head. I looked at him dumbfounded but one of them apparently took that as a sign that he should start talking. And then I was the one left dumbfounded thinking about what this hot orange haired dimple guy told me.

“Come on guys. Time to do it!!” Do What?! I looked around scared and worried. 'Do it?' To who?(Dirty mind) Sorry. Or to what? I shook my head and prepared myself for what was to happen next. All 10 of them were in there again;even the guy who walked out earlier..They all then lined up and stood around the bed I was laying in and they did the introduction as a group...? o__0

“Hello!! We are Super Jun-EOR!!!” My mouth dropped open. I may not rememeber some things or even choose to remember some but I do rememeber them; Super Junior. And I knew from the moment they did that that, I was gonna be in for a handful and I sure was. HOLY MOTHER COW ON EARTH!! EOTOKKE!?