Tears fall down my face. It’s my birthday, and it’s also the day my mother died. My mother was a beautiful woman, as my father said, but she died when she’s giving birth to me. To me, living is like hell. I always think of myself as a murderer, but after going through counseling sessions from a young age, I’ve tried to forget the past and live happily.

They said my mother wants me to live happily. How odd that strangers know what my mother wants. It’s been hard on everyone, so I put on a smile every day. My friends in school call me ‘Sunshine’ because I’m always smiling. They should know that not every sunshine is happy.

It’s been half a day in school and all I received is warm greetings of ‘Happy Birthdays’. Of course I nodded and smiled as I thanked them. I’m the sunshine, remember? I’m supposed to make people happy.

“Sunshine, let’s go. It’s Chemistry now.” My group of friends pulls me to them. It’s time for Chemistry, which is the time I hate the most; even my birthday feels more fun than Chemistry.

Today, the Chem monster, aka Mr Junmyun, continuously blabbers 2 whole hours of Chemistry while I’m zoning out at the back of the lab.

It’s bad when I’m zoning out. Real bad. I think of the things I can do with my mother if she’s still here, why I even deserve to exist, etc.

Unfortunately, I think of those things for two whole hours. I don’t know how many times my nose has became watery or how red my eyes are. I’m trying really hard not to cry in front of everyone.

When the recess bell rings, I slowly move from my seat to the door. “Hey Sun, wanna eat together?” Emma, the confident one in my group of friends, asks me.

“Yeah sure. Wait for me at the regular place, yeah? I’ll go to the bathroom first.” I smile weakly.

“Tired? Not feeling well?” Emma looks at me in concern.

She must have noticed my red eyes. I shake my head as I turn to the bathroom. There is a really clean and comfortable bathroom in my school but no one actually goes there. It’s located at the highest floor of the 10 storey building, so that explains everything. The students here are too lazy to climb so high up when they have serious business.

I slowly climb up the stairs while tears fall down my face without my knowing. It’s calming to know there’s only me, the stairs and the constantly blowing autumn wind.

Every step towards the next floor makes me feel a tad better. Every time I’m at a high building I picture myself being a little closer to my mom who’s in heaven.

My slender fingers unknowingly move towards my face to wipe off the stubborn tears which keep flowing down my face. When I reach the ninth floor, a boy walks slowly towards me.

He keeps his head down and he’s reading from a novel