It was a cloudy day, the weather was fairly bad and thunders could be heard from miles away.

It seemed like the perfect day to be an awful one.

Well, it was so.. for someone, at the very least.

Jonghyun was sitting in the loverseat he had in his living room, curled up in his outmost favorite pink blanket as the television facing him played but for no one in particular to watch. It was sooner before later that the blond man fell asleep, his arms loosely hugging his knees as he rested his head on them for support, breathing softly against his freezing skin as he let himself get lost in dreamlands- Or was it more of a nitghmareland.

All that echoed in the room was the sound of the reporter that was being broadcasted from the flat screen in the middle of the wide, simply decorated room. It was thundering hard outside and noting how Jonghyun hadn't woken up yet one would wind up believing that he was knocked unconscious.

The 24 years old shifted lightly in his spot, trying to find a comfier position- No-.. That wasn't it. Jonghyun slowly & weakly stretched his hand out as if he was reaching out for something, his facial expressions sinking to a frown as he parted his almost-blue colored trembling lips, a soft murmure escaping the plump small circle. It was few incoherent words at first, his tone barely above a whisper.
His arm was visibly shaking, his breaths gradually got heavier, his eyes shut tighter as he muttered out those few words repeatedly, an unexpected tear flowing down his cheek when he finally spoke up.

"D-Don't go! Kibum-ah! P-Please.." He paused for a moment before continuing in a cracked voice, "Kibum, don't leave me.. K-Kibum-"

A sudden loud and raspy thunder , abruptly waking him up from his sleep-talking state and instantly provoking a deep gasp from him that made him immediatly retreat his hand to hold himself back from falling as his breaths fastened and his eyes grew to the size of plates. The puppy-like man barely swallowed as he stole a quick glance around the house, reacting instinctively to check if the sound was coming from within, and which obviously was not, he figured once his eyes landed on the dripping window few feets away from him, the drops of water hiting roughly against the outter glass as thunder continued to recite its glorious, meloncholic melody. 

It was pouring hard outside, just how Jonghyun loved it. He loved rain. The corners of his lips restrained from tugging into even the smallest smiles and instead, he sighed deeply to himself and averted his gaze, grabbing the remote that was burried somewhere next to him to turn off the electronic device that was still playing.

For some reason, winter was no longer Jonghyun's favorite season.

Jonghyun closed his eyes back once more and leaned back against the couch, making sure every inch of his body was wrapped in that pink blanket he cherished dearly, most probably even more than his own life. He would only use this blanket once a year, or maybe for a week after its first use in the 365days, he liked to keep it treasured after all, but when he would use it, he made sure to use it the fullest way he would manage to. He'd strip down to his boxers despite it always being winter, though that was absoloutly his latest concerns everytime he was barely left in the thin layer of clothing and would made up for it by his very own personal and precious fluffy blanket. Everytime it hit his skin it would feel like perfect heaven. The warmth it held, the scent it was splattered with, its flashy color that would radiate with life- Everything, everything about it had his name written all over it.. And that was the only way he could still feel him by his side.. all over his body..

It was then when Jonghyun felt one of his cheeks not as dry as the other, using the back of his hand to wipe at it as he realized that it was that familiar salty water he'd shed every damn time on this particular memorable date. The blond guy couldn't help but to chuckle lowely to himself, shaking his head a tad bit to brush his bangs off of his forehead as he stared at his hand that had held a piece of paper tightly in its fist, holding on to it like it depended on his life.

He got teary eyed before he could open it, his hand noticebally shaking out of coldness and anticpiation.

He could feel it already, the heartache. His chest tightening on his lungs, the latters making him suffocate on the bitter cold air, his breathing getting caught up in his throat just by the memories that started flueding his mind all over again.. This felt like déjà-vu.. Heck, why wouldn't it?! This has become an anual tradition to him after all. He'd be getting the same symptoms he had been getting for these three past, dreadful, awfully long years.

Crumbled paper layed out in front of him as he held it carefully with both hands, a tear fell on a spot where the ink had written and Jonghyun couldn't help but to innerly curse at himself and quickly opted to wipe his tears away, inhaling sharply and focusing his gaze back on the beautifully written letter.

 

"Dear Jonghyun,

If you're reading this it probably means that I'm long gone and I can't help but say that I'm sorry for your loss."

 

Jonghyun clenched his jaw, trying to hold his emotions back. God how much he hated that first part.

 

"I know you're crying right now.. I wish to hug you, I really do. That's why I hugged you so tight the last time I saw you, remember? I was afraid to let go because I knew what would come next.. I know that you probably hate me right now for taking away your loved one, but.. I wish you'll find a place in your heart to forgive me. I also know that no words would calm down the fire in your heart so I suppose that I can allow you to mourn on me for a while.. or for now, at least.."

 

Jonghyun sniffled in disblief as he read those words for the countless time in his lifetime. He gives him the right? He still had the guts to say such nonsense after he was gone? The audacity Kibum had was indeed something.

 

"I know that I might sound selfish, but please, I have one last request from you. Move on. Mourn but eventually get over it, okay? I did this for a reason and that's to let go of you, so don't hang on to me after this..
There's no point in it, Jonghyun. I died."

 

Jonghyun was sobbing by now. How could one be so cruel? How can one do such an awful sin and yet still have it in them to say something as trenchant? , multiply selfishness by tenfold and you'd barely get whatever the hell that Kibum was.

 

"You know, it's beautiful up here, I can tell already. I actually feel like what you used to call me, an angel.. Something I failed to be while alive didn't I? I was always so.. bad.. so troublesome.. So.. insidious.. Yeah.. Though you were no better, actually. No better at all."

 

 "No no no no.. You were perfect.." Half-mumbled Jonghyun in cut breaths.

 

"Though I wonder what you saw in me, ugh, my sweet sweet sweet puppy.. See, you're wonderful. You truly are, and you would always only turn bad when it came to me. And I would always turn bad when it came to you. Perhaps that the first time you saw me I actually looked like an angel to you.. Maybe because I hadn't known you just yet.. You wanted to make me your angel, though the irony of it all was me turning to the complete opposite once I was yours.

Yours..

That word changed me.

It changed us.. To the worse. But it was addictive as it lasted..  In a very good way. There was no way out, at all. We were trapped in the hell we made for each other. The paradise like hell.. I loved every moment of it.

My guilty pleasure is what you are. Or "were"..

I never regretted the day I became yours, nor will I regret the decision I made today. Well, maybe I would, at times when I'd miss you a bit too much. But, as long as it means that it's the better choice and that we're both in a better place, me up in the sky, and you.. well.. I wish you the best.

So, if you really love me, or even loved me for the tiniest split second of your existence; heck if you love yourself, don't make the sacrfice I made go to waste and just.. proceed with life.."

 

Why did the world have to be so harsh?

 

"It was getting hectic and one of us had to let go.. Or else, it would of ended up with both of us in a hellish black hole, probably both of us going down the path I just chose to go through alone. I did this for you. Don't ever second doubt that, hmm?..

So, don't follow me too soon. I don't wanna see you up here anytime soon. I had enough of you while alive so I don't wanna see your face here. Don't hunt me down to make me more miserable than you already did.. Stay there.. Away from me.. Stay away."

 

Oh god damn it how this burned Jonghun's mortal soul. It hurt him so much.. It stabbed him with cold daggers right to the core. He knew Kibum said those words to 'protect' him so that he could move forward without him by his side but the younger was being too damn self-indulgent. This was so unfair.. The rules his lover set for the game they both played are so ing unfair.. How could one be so ing heartless?

 

"Now I'm free and so are you.

The bond we had is now dead..

Mhn ..You're a free man.

Move on and have a good life.. I'll keep an eye upon you and watch over you..

I love you.

- Your angel"

And that was it.

Kibum was so weird, the things he wrote down.. most of the them contradicted one another.. But that was the only way he knew he would be able to convince Jonghyun that what he did was the best. They always have had a dysfunctional relationship and all sorts of illogical talks belonged to them.. But they managed somehow to understand each other perfectly. Too perfectly.

 

Feeling soulless, dead, empty, torn from the inside out, shattered, frozzen yet warm.. Kibum kept him warm. Or so he liked to believe while wrapping his limbs in that one fluffy piece of fabric.

With trembling hands, Jonghyun reached over and wrote something with a pencil he had besides him on the the lower part of the paper.

The blond shifted in his seat, closing his aching eyes for a while as he tried the impossible task of evening out his breaths. He parted his lips enough to sing lowely some barely audible yet familiar lyrics.

"Gajima..D-Deonajima.." His sniffles were being heard through the piece he sang but his voice was still the softest one one could hear. 'Ichyeojin g-gieok sogae neon.. Gajima.. J-Jaebal.. Nal deanojima.. Aljana.." He swallowed his aching tears before he could proceed in an almost quiet voice. ".. Idaero sseurojil geoya.."

 

The house fell silent. The rain was still hitting the windows that belonged to that one particular house. Thunder was louder than ever. Yet in the midst of it all, some sound of drops was being heard. It wasn't raindrops'.

Drop..

Drop..

Drop..

A red stain tainted his loved one's letter.

A stain turned to stains and the air seemed more chills-worthy than a graveyard's.

 

 

"Now I'm free and so are you.

The bond we had is now dead..

Mhn ..You're a free man.

Move on and have a good life.. I'll keep an eye upon you and watch over you..  Even death can't do us apart. I know you'll forgive me.

I love you. I love you too.

- Your angel"

 

 

 

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So that was it! ;u; I hope you guys liked it! Please leave a comment below if you enjoyed this oneshot, it really means a lot. ;w;

Also, I hope I did well on my first angst! owo

Thank you for reading! xoxo

P.S: I seriously cried while writing this ugh- /serectly wishes I made you tear up as well. OHOH.