VIII

"Congratulations!"

"Wow, really… I'm impressed."

"Yah, why did you choose to date someone like him? Won't you try me instead?"

Some of them chuckled and Soojin hid behind her hand as she did the same. Eunhyuk grinned broadly – until his gaze met with Donghae's. 
The brunet looked like he was in shock, like the previous heard words were the most awful he had ever heard. He didn’t look like he was about to start crying, more like he would pass out soon because his mind was too overwhelmed to understand what was going on. There was so much hurt in Donghae's eyes, so much that it made Eunhyuk's heart ache and sent shivers down his spine.

And he regretted.

Eunhyuk regretted everything, everything that made Donghae look at him like this. But he didn’t regret kissing him, dancing with him or anything else that had happened between them. No, Eunhyuk regretted that he was holding a girl in his arms in that moment, that he didn’t hold Donghae like the younger deserved it, that he couldn’t confess to him, that he had lied to him so many times now and that he was such a pathetic coward. He regretted that he had given Donghae and himself so much hope just to disappoint them both and he cursed himself for not being able to admit to himself what the voice in his head was screaming at him right in that moment. Seeing Donghae like this, he started hating himself for being who he was – and there was no understanding left why Donghae could even fall in love with him.

What he did was cruel, he understood that only then. His personality was cruel, pathetic and horrible. He couldn’t understand himself anymore, why he did what he did just to protect himself from what was so obvious and with that was so selfish that he'd rather see Donghae hurt instead of himself. Eunhyuk understood all of this, but even though he had never felt worse about himself than right now, he didn’t do anything to change it. There was no way for him to do it, he couldn’t do it. What he wanted to do was to push Soojin away, to push her out of his life before she could become a part of it and to hug Donghae instead, tell him that he was brave enough to give them a try.

But he didn’t have the courage to do it.

He was a coward after all.

Eunhyuk opened his mouth just to at least look like he knew what there was to say, but before he could utter a word, Donghae was already on his feet. The younger wasn’t fast in leaving the room, his steps were slow and the expression on his face unreadable as he walked past him. His gaze was lowered, didn’t allow Eunhyuk to see how broken he secretly was and his silent disappearance was seemingly not even noticed by the other members that were still busy with complementing Soojin. Eunhyuk didn’t do anything to stop him and so he heard the main door falling shut not much later.

While Eunhyuk remained frozen to the spot and couldn’t force himself to another smile, it didn’t look much different on the other side of the door.

Donghae's back rested against the door for a moment after he had pulled it shut softly behind him. His mind was a mess and as he stood there he couldn’t think. His eyes welled up with tears on their own that ran over his cheeks as he blinked and eventually made him move. The first silent sob broke out of him as he reached the stairs. He didn’t cover his mouth to muffle those that followed and didn’t wipe off his tears as he took step after step with his legs so wobbly that he thought he would fall every second. Shaking fingers curled around the handrail, helped to drag his body up the stairs to the other dorm.

"…Donghae? What's wrong?"

It was Heechul's voice that sounded softly through the living room as he walked through it, but the brunet didn’t hear it. He continued walking, gently pushed away the hands that were reached out for him and pushed the door to his room shut with the tiniest bit of pressure. It clicked softly behind him as he slid down to the floor and now that he was alone and safe from any gazes, he couldn’t hold anything back anymore. Donghae burst into tears, sobbed loudly and brought his legs to his chest so he could rest his elbows on them as he tightly fisted his hair. There were silent steps sounding from behind the door and it was needless to say that whoever stood on the other side could hear that he was crying his eyes out. But he didn’t care, he didn’t care at all.

How could he do this? How could Eunhyuk be so cruel to bring his girlfriend to the dorms to introduce her to them? Why did he even have a girlfriend, why all of a sudden? Hadn't he said some time ago that he didn’t have time to date, that he wasn’t even interested in girls at the moment? How could he change his mind so quickly?

And why did it hurt so much to see him with somebody else even though he already knew that they couldn’t be together?

***

The door to his room fell shut with a soft thud, hours after the last tears on his cheeks had tried. Donghae didn’t turn his head, didn’t even move under the pile of blankets that had managed to warm him up a bit. His head hurt and he was tired, yet sleep wasn’t something easy for him to find. Leeteuk had declared him sick after finding him with red eyes and a swollen face for the second time that week and so he had left him alone some time ago after taking care of him and urging him to drink his tea. He had wanted him to find some rest, that's why Donghae wondered why he was already back.

The brunet tiredly blinked his eyes and waited for the other so say something or to at least come closer. It stayed silent however, no word was spoken and it seemed like he kept standing by the door. Donghae kept staring at the wall for a moment longer and was just about to ask what the matter was as the other decided to speak.

"I'm so sorry…"

Donghae's eyes widened. That wasn’t Leeteuk's voice, that was-   
He turned his head and quickly sat up in his bed; Eunhyuk was leaning against the door, looking exhausted and broken just like himself. His head hung low and as he looked up, he looked like a kicked dog. The younger quickly freed himself from the blanket and got up; as he stood in front of him however, he didn’t dare to come closer.

Deep inside Donghae knew that he should ask him what all of this had to mean, why he tortured him like this when he knew about the younger's feelings for him. But as he saw him standing there, so broken and tired, he couldn’t hold anything against him. This was Eunhyuk after all, the man he loved – and he was ready to forgive him this and just so many other things as long as they could still be close to each other.

"I just… think I should've told you about it another way. I didn’t want to hurt you", Eunhyuk mumbled without daring to look up to him. Donghae sniffed and felt his heart ache at the thought of Eunhyuk hugging that girl from behind. Even the thought hurt – and realty hurt even more.

"How long?" he silently asked, his voice hoarse from all his tears.

"About a week…"

The brunet bit his lip harshly because he knew all too well what that meant. There was only one question he asked himself. "Did you start dating her before or after you kissed me?"

Eunhyuk lifted his head, his eyes wide and filled with denial. "I… I didn’t kiss you. You kissed me."

Donghae scoffed and understood that with this statement, Eunhyuk tried to hide the fact that he didn’t give him an answer to his question. And he also tried to hide the truth. "No, Hyukjae. You kissed me first. You started all of this even though I tried to pull myself together."

"I didn’t do that", Eunhyuk insisted and once again showed how scared he was. "Y-You… It was you."

There it was again, the denial. Eunhyuk's eyes practically screamed it and now his mouth did the same, even if it was much quieter.

"No, it wasn’t me. Do you really think I would kiss you after you pushed me away the first time I tried it? The best thing for me to do would've been pushing you away just like you did it with me, I know that. But after what happened during practice I thought I had a chance, that's why I kissed you back. So do you really think I wouldn’t take it when you offer it to me?"

"Donghae-"

"It was also you who started dancing with me. You were the one who made it to more than just practice, do I have to remind you of that? Yes, I know as well as you that I wanted it to happen, that's why I didn’t stop you. But you started it