XII

"Take your time, as much as you want. I'll be waiting for your decision and accept it, no matter what it will look like."

Eunhyuk rubbed both hands over his face and let out a heavy sigh. Donghae's words had been echoing in his head ever since the brunet had spoken them out, were the last thing he thought of before falling asleep and the first thing after waking up. The younger was so understanding, didn’t hold anything against him, no matter how much he had already hurt him. And it had even sounded like he was ready to forgive him so much more, everything that would happen and all the pain he might caused him. Even that Eunhyuk had rebuked him for kissing somebody else… 
He didn’t have the right to do that after being in a relationship with Soojin for so long, did he? Donghae was free to do what he wanted as long as it was like this, but Eunhyuk couldn’t stand the thought of the younger with somebody else. Donghae was his, he wanted him to be his, but just because he thought like this didn’t mean that Donghae couldn’t do what he wanted. No matter what had happened between them until now: they were friends, nothing more. And they weren’t more because Eunhyuk always said that he didn’t want it. It was his own fault.

The ringing of the doorbell broke through his thoughts and made his hands sink down. His gaze dropped to the small brown dog resting on his lap and he slowly slid his fingers through her soft fur. Choco leaned in to his touches as he patted her head and seemed to be just as glad about the fact that he had accepted the invitation for dinner as his parents. And he was also glad about being home again, if only his thoughts wouldn’t be somewhere else all the time.

Donghae was everything he could think about, his mind was filled with nothing but him. Yet he didn’t dare to speak with him even though they lived in the same house, didn’t dare to touch him anymore so that he wouldn’t give him hope. Maybe he also didn’t do it so he wouldn’t give hope to himself as well.         
They were farther apart than any time before and he couldn’t think about anything to change this. Donghae had said that he would wait for him and his decision and Eunhyuk truly believed that he would. But Donghae surely wouldn’t wait forever – and Eunhyuk saw himself far away from coming to a decision, no matter how much time he had to think.

Choosing Donghae was tied to so many risks, endangered so many things that were dear to him. If he chose Donghae then he would've admit to himself that he in fact was attracted by men, that he even had fallen in love with one and that he, despite being unable to find the right label, wasn’t straight anymore, even though that was what he had considered himself to be for all his life.

There were feelings for Donghae and he was sure that those were strong enough to give them a try, but at the same time it was simply so hard to decide if those feelings were more important to him than the opinions of the people around them, people that were dear to him. Would he still be able to hold on to the love he felt for Donghae when his family was against it? Was he ready to break with them or some of the members when they couldn’t accept it? And would he stay by his side when their company found out about them, when the public found out and they had to face threats and insults?

Eunhyuk wished that he would, he hoped it because he thought that this was what he had to do if he truly loved him. But there was so much fear inside of him and it was so strong that his bravery was suppressed by it and with this he wasn’t able to think about who he could be, instead was forced to believe that what he was now was what he would always be: A coward, unable to think of what he could reach if dared to dare.

Voices from the entrance area made his thoughts come to an end; they couldn’t infect him with their laughter however, no matter how cheerful they were. The last time he remembered himself honestly smiling was when they had been on stage in Taiwan – and that had been some weeks ago.      
The reason for his smile back then? Being able to act with Donghae like nothing was wrong.

"Where is my favorite little brother...?" he heard someone chant from the main door and let out another sigh as steps approached him.

"I'm your only brother, noona", he mumbled tiredly and only looked up as he saw a person stepping into the living room. Sora grinned broadly and opened her arms like she expected him to come running into her embrace; Eunhyuk however didn’t move at all.

"There he is!" she cheerfully exclaimed anyway and tippytoed over to him, flung herself on the sofa he was sitting on and threw her arms around his neck to press all air out of his lungs.

"N-Noona-"

"Oh, I missed you so much! Since you're an idol I rarely see you anymore and because you never call me or anything I never know how you're doing!"

"We saw each other on Christmas-"

Sora let out a gasp. "That was two months ago!" she exclaimed and pushed him back to look at him. "I almost forgot how you look like and- Oh… You look like crap."

Eunhyuk rolled his eyes and tried in vain to push her away. "Thanks, you're not the only one thinking that."

"Don’t worry, you're still cute!" she squeaked and pinched his cheek. Eunhyuk struggled the best he could, but she stuck to him like wax, only shortly patted Choco who didn’t seem surprised at all. "Seriously, though. What happened? Did that Soojin girl dump you or something?"

Her brother heaved another sigh. "No", he dwelled. "She didn’t. We're fine."

"What a shame", Sora said and reached out a hand to grab one of the cookies from the small coffee table right in front of them. Eunhyuk furrowed his brows as she linked arms with him afterwards.

"What? I thought you like her?"

Sora stuffed her cheeks and sent him a glare before rolling her eyes. "I don’t", she mumbled and chewed a few times before she was able to swallow everything down. "I never said that I like her."

"But you never said that you didn’t either."

"Yeah, guess why. What do you expect me to do, to walk over to her and be like: Hey yo, I think you're fake and I don’t want to see you around my brother anymore?"

"Nah, Sora", Mrs. Lee exclaimed from the kitchen. "Don’t talk about her like that. She's a nice girl."

"Yeah, yeah. And she's perfect too, I already heard that. A bit too perfect if you ask me."

"What do you mean with that?" Eunhyuk's expression was serious and his sister's got too as she saw the look in his eyes.

"Look, she's your girlfriend and I don’t want to up your relationship. If she makes you happy then it's alright, really. I just think that she isn’t the right one for you and that your personalities don't match."

"You barely know her."

"True, but still. You know that I'm good in reckoning somebody's character and I think that there are people out there that would match to you a hundred times better."

Eunhyuk frowned. "And who should that be?"

Sora looked at him and to Eunhyuk it was clear to see that she had someone in mind. She seemed to struggle with herself though and Eunhyuk couldn’t tell if he was glad about their mother calling them for dinner or not.

***

"Can you lend me a hand?"

Eunhyuk nodded his head. "Sure."

He positioned himself beside his sister and grabbed a towel, ready to help her with washing the dishes. They stood beside each other for some time, she washing up the leftovers of their dinner and he toweling them dry. Their parents were in the living room and watched TV and so it was rather silent around them. It was weird somehow; Eunhyuk couldn’t remember the last time they had been in the same room without one of them saying a word. It seemed like that awkward silence between him and Donghae followed him even to his parents' house.

"How are the other members doing?" Sora asked after some time and made Eunhyuk shrug his shoulders.

"They are alright, I guess."

"All of them?"

"Well… Heechul-hyung is a bit off, but we all know the reason for it, don’t we?"

She hummed and gave him another plate, silence surrounding them once again. "What's with Donghae?" she asked a couple of minutes later. "You've been here for some hours now and he hasn’t called you yet."

Eunhyuk lowered his head slightly, something that Sora immediately noticed. "He… We aren’t that close with each other anymore since I have a girlfriend."

Sora quirked an eyebrow. "How come?"

"We don’t spend that much time with each other anymore because I see her whenever I got the time. I guess it's… normal like this."

"But you didn’t fight about anything, right?"

"No. No, we didn’t… We're still fine."

She hummed again and noticed very well how depressed her brother seemed now that they had spoken about Donghae. It seemed like the thoughts were running wild in his head and so she gave him a bit more time to think before she parted her lips again. "Where is your next concert?"

"Shanghai."

"When?"

"We'll leave tomorrow evening."

"Oh", she dwelled impressed. "I'm very glad that I managed to see you before you jet around the world again. I almost forgot that my brother is famous now…"

Sora smirked and let out a laugh as Eunhyuk nudged her side with his elbow. "It's Shanghai, noona. We aren’t going to America, Europe or something like that."

"Yeah, but you're still jetting around the world! Remember the first time you had to go on a plane when we went to Jeju Island? You