There were many days when Jongin wished he had the guts to confess already. To just open his mouth and say something intelligently awesome that would make Kyungsoo fall all over himself and respond with a gush of requited loved, and Jongin would be the happiest college student in the world. Jongin had many nice scenarios that he repeated to himself on rainy days, all without knowing what these supposedly magical words he’d hypothetically say were. The truth was, Jongin was a bit of a dunce in the talking-to-crushes category of life, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t allowed to dream about it. 

Confessing to Kyungsoo and being boyfriends would have been a nice change of pace for Saturdays like today when the world stormed and raged outside and Jongin and Kyungsoo were locked in their dorm room with practically nothing to do. Or rather, they both had things to do but nothing that required actually doing something together. Pity.

Jongin busied himself with homework he’d delayed for too long, and tried his best to ignore the lump in the other bed that was Kyungsoo and his laptop. A whole year of living together — Jongin liked to pretend that had a different meaning — but really all he’d accomplished in the way of relationship progress was the term ‘very good friend’ and ‘favorite roommate’. Kyungsoo’s words to their fellow friends, not his. 

Jongin knew he could do better. That’s why he’d been working so hard to achieve new heights. And thanks to Baekhyun he’d even gotten a new tag line now as a ‘beta reader’ but the hoped-for change in this new level of intimacy hadn’t gotten him very far. Now all Jongin did was read the occasional drabble about Xiuhan (roll eyes, sigh, frown, omg everything is about Xiuhan) and proof for grammar and misspelled words. When Kyungsoo got tired, he was obligated to tell him what a good writer he was (and okay it was kind of the truth, not that he was biased or anything), and also to answer rhetorical questions that Kyungsoo occasionally asked him. Usually though he ended up answering them himself because, how the hell was Jongin supposed to respond to Kyungsoo’s frustration about pissy readers who didn’t think the catboys in his kitty!au were realistic enough?

“God!” Kyungsoo had screeched one day. “What else am I supposed to do? If I was to write this totally realistically, I’d probably have Kris peeing on every piece of furniture marking his territory, Chen destroying the underside of the ottoman chair with his claws, Tao hiding under the piano 24/7, and Lay sleeping on the fridge. Oh, and Xiumin would probably be throwing up on the carpet every half hour, and Luhan would probably eat it all up in a heartbeat, because that's how he rolls. Now tell me, is that the kind of realistic catboy fic people want?!?”

See, there was no way Jongin had anything to add to that rant. He didn’t even want to go there.

Thankfully, Kyungsoo hadn’t asked him to read that particular fic yet. Maybe he understood that Jongin had limits, and that he required a certain pace to his inevitable immersion into the fanfic world. Slow and steady, and please, nothing with trigger warnings. Or catboys. Kyungsoo was so considerate like that.

On this rainy day, however, Jongin heard no rants about cats, or that infernal Suho fanboy who pestered Kyungsoo every day requesting elaborate angsty fics. It was bad enough that Kyungsoo was something of a moody writer anyway. Even the slice of life stories he wrote occasionally brought tears to his eyes. Kind of like now.

“What’s wrong?” Jongin dared to ask, seeing Kyungsoo peeking outside of his blankets, laptop snapped closed. 

Kyungsoo took a moment to realize he was being spoken to. “Huh? Oh… Nothing. It’s nothing.”

“You sure?” Jongin didn’t think it looked like nothing.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”  Kyungsoo reopened his laptop again and commenced writing. Jongin went back to studying, but five minutes later Kyungsoo jumped topics again. “Hey, Jongin?”

“Yeah?” Jongin looked up, ready to devote Kyungsoo with his full attention.

“How many times have you moved?”

“What?”

“How many times have you moved?” Kyungsoo repeated. “Like, moved houses, cities, anywhere, really.”

Not the question Jongin expected, but he gave it a few seconds’ thought. “About… four times? I think? Once when I was five, then three years later, and then again… and now I’m here. So, four times. Five places. Why?”

“Oh. Okay, cool,” said Kyungsoo. He was silent for another ten minutes, writing furiously and Jongin was super confused. 

It took another half hour for Kyungsoo to take a writing break and finally explain what the question had been about. He was writing another Xiuhan (go figure) based on an article he’d found linked on Facebook about how people were supposed to live in at least five places in their lives if they wanted to keep on experiencing life and not grow content and complacent. “I know it sounds kind of silly, but it was a cool thought and… I’ve always just lived here, and then I came to college, and it would be kind of cool to… move away and just see a different part of the world, don’t you think?”

Jongin gulped, at least a dozen great get-away places on the tip of his tongue that in another fantasy he would offer to take Kyungsoo away to. “Yeah, I think that’s cool. I get the idea. I mean, it’s great to start over, get away and meet new people. You’ve really always lived here?”

“Yeah. Is that really weird?” Kyungoo implored him, wide eyes a little sad as he met Jongin’s, one of the rare occasions when they actually stared into each other’s eyes. It put the pressure on Jongin, although it was a good sort of pressure, a kind that made him go a little red in the face. 

“No. I mean, no it isn’t.” Jongin had to look away. “Lots of people don’t really travel, or move places. That’s not a bad thing. You probably get all kinds of perspective that other people don’t have… seeing a place grow and change.”

Kyungsoo nodded and hummed, turning back to his laptop. “Well I’m kind of basing another Xiuhan fic on this concept.”

Of course you are, Jongin didn’t say aloud. 

“Want to read it when I’m done?”

“Sure. Of course.” Really, what choice did he have?

He didn’t expect that when Kyungsoo was finally done with it he’d still be crying a bit, not in a sobbing-his-heart-out kind of way, but he was definitely moodier than when he’d started out. Wasn’t writing supposed to de-stress people? Jongin wondered. Not make them more upset with life.

He gave over the next twenty minutes of his life trying to find out.

“You’ve lived in five places already,” Kyungsoo stated at the end of his read-through. “Does that mean you’re done? Or do you want to move again after college?”

Jongin didn’t know how to put this gently. “Sounds to me like that article just lists ‘five’ as a suggested average. I think people can move however often they want and still be happy.” 

He’d be sure to ask Sehun later if his implied statement (i.e. Kyungsoo, I want to move everywhere with you if it would make you super happy; let’s go together!) was obvious enough.  He was certain it had to be so. Jongin was a man of intelligent words, after all.

“Bad news! Oh my god, this is horrible news!!” Baekhyun shrieked a few days later when Jongin joined him and Chanyeol in the cafeteria. 

“What is it? Will you tell me already?” Jongin had responded to his friend’s urgent S.O.S. text message within minutes, but only because Baekhyun had sworn his news would have dire effects on Kyungsoo, and Jongin couldn’t have moved faster. 

“The worst. Thing. Has. Happened. For Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun reiterated annoyingly.

“Will you just tell me already?” Jongin didn’t have time for this. He hadn’t even seen Kyungsoo all day, so busy was he getting from class to class and the last time he’d seen his roommate, Kyungsoo was still sleeping soundly in his bed as Jongin slipped out the door. That was eight hours ago.

“It’s… I can’t even say it!” Baekhyun sniffed. “I… it’s… no I can’t. Chanyeol, you tell him.”

The taller giant nodded severely, as if coming to terms with the fact that his whole life now existed for the purpose of telling Jongin this horrible news. He inhaled sharply, and finally let it out. “It’s Luhan.”

Jongin stared at him. “Uh huh? What about Luhan?”

“He’s gone,” said Chanyeol.

“Okay… what do you mean, gone? I don’t understand.”

“He’s left the group.”

“Left… the group. You mean, Exo-M?” Jongin asked.

“Yes….”

“So…?”

“Oh my god, Jongin, are you stupid?” Baekhyun finally found his voice, loudly. “This means he’s not even IN the group anymore. He’s left! Gone back to China. Won’t ever be seen in the company of the group again. Don’t you understand what this means??”

Jongin blinked. “It means, they’ve lost one of their better singers and Exo-M is now a four-man group?” He prided himself on knowing that much at least. 

Later on, Jongin would mull over his idiocy and the density of his big head. But the warning smack he received on his ear by Baekhyun’s totally heavy plastic notebook was the first sign that he was missing something big. 

“Xiuhan, you idiot! It means the ship is broken! They won’t see each other! Ever! Again! Probably! At least publicly. No more pictures together. No more gifs. No more lovey-dovey touch my face and moments. Jongin, don’t you get it? Kyungsoo! Will be devastated, don’t you see!?!?” Baekhyun cried.

And then he did see.

“Kyungsoo??”

The room was dark when he entered it, shades turned closed and the curtain pulled shut too. The room was silent except for the slight sniffling coming from Kyungsoo’s bed. Jongin’s heart went out for him. 

“Kyungsoo? Are you alright?”

The boy under the sheets gurgled something unintelligible and Jongin strode over to him purposefully. He sat down on the edge of the bed and awkwardly patted the lump under the sheets, feeling the mold that was probably Kyungsoo’s shoulder and head. He pealed away the top sheet to reveal Kyungsoo’s watery, red eyes. 

“Kyungsoo, are you okay? I heard about…” Jongin didn’t want to say the name aloud. “I heard from Baekhyun. Are you alright?”

More sniffles, and Kyungsoo clenched his eyes tighter together, body nearly curled into a fetal position.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” Jongin tried to soothe him, one hand patting his shoulder and the other daring to through Kyungsoo’s matted, dark locks. 

“Y-you heard?” Kyungsoo asked him.

“Yeah,” said Jongin gently.

Kyungsoo stilled, and Jongin could see him attempting to quiet his sobs and man up. It took a few minutes, but Jongin didn’t budge an inch.

Finally Kyungsoo said in a soft voice, “It’s silly, I know. To be this upset.”

“It’s not silly, it’s not.”

“No, it is. I know that. It’s not the end of the world after all. B-but… it still hurts. I’ll never be able to think about them again in the same way…” 

“What? No, sure you’ll be able to think about them.”

“No, I won’t. Because a part of me really thought they were in love, and now I’m only ever going to see them broken like this.” Kyungsoo tried not to cry again, but he failed. 

Jongin decided it was time for an intervention. He kicked off his shoes and tossed his jacket aside and crawled up into Kyungsoo’s bed, resting his back against the headboard. Then he tugged a little ungracefully at Kyungsoo’s curled up body until the boy relented and sat up. He pulled him back into his arms, back to chest, and hugged him from behind. 

Jongin tried not to think selfishly about this, but if the breaking of Kyungsoo’s favorite ship could result in this kind of skinship, then Jongin was all for it — Kyungsoo sobbed one more broken cry — but only if Jongin could heal Kyungsoo too, obviously, he hurried to amend his thoughts.

“You’ll be alright, eventually,” Jongin tried to persuade him. “I know it right now, but think of all the fics you’re still writing, and all the people who are waiting for your updates. Won’t they be even happier now to read Xiuhan fics?”

“Maybe…” Kyungsoo agreed after a minute. His tears finally came to a stop, and he sat comfortably back in Jongin’s arms, almost as if he didn’t realize where he was. Or didn’t realize that Jongin had him locked in place with his arms clasped around Kyungsoo’s stomach. It was becoming increasingly awkward for Jongin though. Every little scent, every movement, every twitch, every inhale and exhale and the heat from Kyungsoo’s body was starting to get to him. In another au, maybe Kyungsoo would cry himself to sleep and pass out in Jongin’s arms, and then Jongin would get to hold him for hours, and he could stare at Kyungsoo in his sleep and sigh and coo over his adorable face, and the feel of his body… but that was a different world, one belonging also in the fantasies of Jongin, the great confessor.

“I think I’ll be alright now,” Kyungsoo said. Finally sitting up on his own strength, he pushed out of Jongin’s embrace and awkwardly played with the twisted sheets of his bed. “I think… I think I need to write. You know, a catharsis of sorts. And then I’ll be okay. Mostly.”

Jongin whined internally as he watched Kyungsoo getting out of his bed, moseying over to his desk to set up his laptop. Jongin had no choice but to get out of Kyungsoo’s bed too, suddenly awkward in case Kyungsoo looked over and saw him still there, hyperventilating at the beautiful aroma of Kyungsoo. 

“Good. Good, you should write,” he agreed sadly.

“Yep. I think I know what to do too,” said Kyungsoo, not looking at him.

Jongin stood up as well, and relocated himself on his own bed, not looking at Kyungsoo. He let a few minutes pass before he got up, intending to leave the dorm room to sulk. As he did, however, Kyungsoo stopped him with a hand to his arm. 

“Uhm, Jongin?”

“Hmm?” Jongin gulped.

“I wanted to say…” Kyungsoo looked up at him beautifully. “Thank you.”

“Huh? Thank you for… thank you for what?” 

Kyungsoo was smiling at him, and Kyungsoo smiling at him was never a good thing in the moments when Jongin was trying to maintain his cool. “For coming to me like you did. Thanks.” He sniffed again, and Jongin really wanted to just swoop down and kiss him or something.

But, he didn’t. “That's what friends are for,” Jongin said instead. 

2,488 words

Ironically, un-beta'ed. My sis is off galavantly in NYC this weekend, the brat.

Sorry for using Luhan's departure for part of this chapter, but hey.. it's been long enough, and goodness knows I've had to write through enough fics of my own to get over it. This is also a fic about a super Xiuhan shipper so, yeah. Annnnyways, it brought our Kaisoo a little closer together here :))

<3 Rosie

Referenced !Au's:

• Sharpen This Feeling, the Xiuhan fic about people who move around a lot, and people who don't, incidentally one of my best catharsis, moving-on fics for my OTP
• You know I love you, right? by London_Calling; my friend's own personal catharsis Xiuhan fic, literally written the day of/after/close-enough that I needed it, and didn't even know I needed it. <33