C H A P T E R  O N E : F I N A L

“I am sorry but I don’t think we can still be together.”

These are the words you said to me before you left completely out of my life. I wonder what you felt when you left me in the middle of the cold night. All the goodbyes still hanging on my lips. You said to stick together until the end, you promised me. I can still remember all the things we did together. We are happy, we were happy, we are supposed to be happy. I can still remember all the things you said to me, how much you love, how much you want to stay beside me, everything and it pains me. But that was all memories now, now that you already found someone else. It pains me, but I will manage it myself. I hope I can handle it and forget about you.

It’s plain to see that I can’t be the one you needed. You are a prince while I am just a commoner who is just another face in the crowd. My love for you is still the same, it never faded… even though I wanted to. Won’t you come over and save me?

“Good morning ____!”

I looked up to see Minah smiling brightly at me. I don’t know if she’s either trying to piss me off or she was just trying to be nice towards his boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend. Funny, we’re classmate with some of our subjects together with Kyungsoo. This is a tragic flaw of mine and I can’t find any exit for me to move on. I admit that I feel really hurt right now. I hate seeing her in front of me knowing that she’s together with Kyungsoo. It pains to see her with Kyungsoo laughing around the university. All the students inside the room turn their faces towards the both of us. It seemed like my movements are all monitored by the people surrounds us. They are aware of my past relationship with Kyungsoo and basically they are enjoying the scene of me in the corner of the room, away from the couple. They are enjoying the scene of me sulking in the corner while the two was being all lovey dovey.

The sad truth is I still love him. There are times that I will notice him watching me, glancing at me. There are times that he will turn to me and ask if I am okay and being the ‘strong’ girl I am, I always said yes. There are times that he will ask some of my classmates if everything is wrong with me. I know he cares that’s why I am still hoping that maybe, just maybe he still has feelings for me. But then some days I will see him with her, caring for her, protecting her, treating her like the way he treats me when we were still together. And by means of that, I said to myself to stop hoping he will come back. All the care he showed for me was just made by guilt. It’s all because of the guilt he feels for leaving me. But then, I can’t stop myself from loving him. No matter how many times I dictate to my head that this is the time to stop my heart and brain for loving him, but I can’t. It seemed like when he left, he also took my heart and brain with him making me stuck with him, forever. Running away, I have tried that but I always find myself coming back. How can I not manage to handle this pain? I thought I was strong enough, but I am not.

“Good morning to you too.”

I answered politely that made others gasped for air. After we broke up, which is apparently five months ago they started watching my movements and everything I said. They conclude that everything I said and done has something to do with them. It’s hard to act like you don’t care but that’s all I can do for them to see that I am not really affected. Because as soon as I act like I am affected and still hurt, they will just make fun of me or maybe the worst. I was known for being the jolly kid living her life happily but I turned to be quiet after the break up. I don’t want myself to get ruined because of the break up but I think I can’t handle all the pain alone. It is really hard since I get to see them for almost every day, it’s really hard I’m telling you.

“It’s good to see you still smiling.”

By this time I already know what her intention is. I lowered my head and didn’t bother to look at her anymore. She’s a-princess-like that women will die to be. I admit that I wish to be her, not because of her wealth, figure or beauty, but because Kyungsoo is in love with her. I want him to look at me again and love me again. I still want him in my life after all. I’m a fool but what can I do? I am still stuck with him and I can’t change it.

“See you around!”

She announced before disappearing in front of me. I composed myself and try not to break down, not in front of everyone else. I managed to act like I don’t care for the past few weeks and I can’t really cry in front of them after Minah talks to me. That will be too obvious.  Minutes had passed when someone entered the room panting. I looked up only to meet the beautiful guy that used to be mine. He probably runs all the way here that made him pants for air. I quickly removed my eyes from him and buried my face on the desk. He is so gorgeous. His face is so perfect and his body is perfectly built. Everything about him made me so speechless, made me feel so nervous. My heart keeps pounding at the sight of him. I felt how eyes turned to me, I just pull out a straight face and act like nothing is bothering me. I caught Kyungsoo’s eyes on me but I manage not to meet it. In the sight of my peripheral view, I see how he sits next to Minah and immediately Minah wraps his arms around the boy. Half an hour had passed but the professor still not here. It’s suffocating, I felt like dying after hearing Minah’s noises. It’s suffocating to be stuck inside a room together with them with nothing to do.

Minutes had passed and I don’t think I can still handle this anymore, so I rise from my seat that made them all looked to my way. I shrugged keeping my cool and then walk away from the lecture room. It’s a good thing that our professor is absent so no one will mind if I didn’t come back. No one will care though, they won’t mind if I didn’t come back. I am just no different with the normal faces walking with the crowd. I made my way to the school’s field and spend my free time there. At least there, no one will bother me. No one is there to watch and judge me. At least there, I am alone and free, I can do whatever I want to do. I can let all out and distress myself.

                                                                                                ***

It pains me seeing him laughing with her. In all places, why here? This is my favorite place; this is my secret hideout… how do they manage to find this? Without my knowing, tears are already falling down my face. It sickened me to know that I haven’t move on. Why can’t I forget about him? Was it because he is so caring and sweet? Was it because he is so kind? Was it because of his angelic voice? What is the reason behind my stupidity? Was this my fault? Can I borrow some time? I want to go back to the past and correct all the mistakes. I want to go back in time I first saw you, but this time I will choose not talking to you. If I just knew that we can’t work things out, I would probably not let you near me. I left my guard down so this is my entire fault at all.

Walking out of nowhere, I find myself in front of the music room, the place where I first met him. It brings back happy memories but now those memories pain me. Like a thousand knives stabbing me back and forth. Slowly reaching for the knob, I twisted it open and entered the quiet dark room. Music club isn’t active so there are no longer students in this room after lunch. Looking to the left side, I saw the guitar that Kyungsoo used to play when I first met him.

I was running along the hallway to escape from my friends who insisted to go to the bar for a night out. All the way from my running, I found an open door and I immediately slipped inside and locked the door. I sighed and then turn around just to see a pair of eyes staring at me. His doe eyes are so mesmerizing as I found myself staring back at him.

“Did I disturb you or something? Look, I am sorry I was—“

“No, it’s okay. Why are you here by the way?”

My mouth gaped a slight ‘o’ after hearing his angelic soft voice. I could spend my days just listening to it, I mean that’s how attractive his voice is.

“I am ditching my friends.”

He chuckled and nodded.

“May I know what are you doing?”

He looked up at me and smiled. Oh Ghad, he has a heart-shaped lips and it forms a sweet heart-shape when he smiles.

“Just playing guitar, I guess.”

I nodded and then about to bid goodbye.

“Well, I won’t disturb you anymore. I’m leaving, thank you though.”

I said chuckling. I am about to twist the knob open when he stops me from doing so.

“What’s your name? And if you don’t mind… would you come here again at the same time? I mean, I don’t have any company here. It’s a pleasure to have someone here to listen to my songs.”

He said while rubbing the back of his head. Cute!

“That sounds good.”

 Silently approaching the guitar, I rested it in my lap and then strum the guitar. Tears, they are flowing non-stop as it brings back memories of him. I still want to be with you, but I know we can’t be. Chords keep coming out from my fingers as I strum the guitar with my tears singing along. Do you ever maybe miss me? Cause I miss you badly. How you hug me from the back teaching me how to play the guitar correctly and now I already learned about playing this instrument you weren’t here to listen. The melody that coming from the guitar touches my heart like a song that could comfort me to ease the pain I am feeling. Slowly, my lips finally curved a little smile while I closed my eyes to feel the music inside.

“All too emotional.”

With that, my world stops, my body froze and my heart skipped a beat. I can’t open my eyes, why can’t I? Or maybe I don’t want to open my eyes, no not today, not now. I am afraid of seeing him up close. I can’t see him now. Not now that I am still hurt.

“I almost thought that you will never come here again.”

He said before chuckling lowly. I open my eyes but immediately looked down. I don’t need to see his face. I put the guitar aside and then stood up without looking at him.

“I’m sorry for intruding. I will never come here again.”

I stated and then tried to walk past him but immediately got stopped by a strong hand. Am I a coward if I say that I am afraid of falling hard again? I don’t want him to see me like this. I don’t want him to feel bad to himself because I turned out this way. I don’t want him to pity me and think I am nothing without him. I didn’t mean to fall in love so hard with him but it seemed like no one can ever stop the gravity of falling in love. You will never know how deep you fall until you feel the pain when there is no one catches you. You have to feel the pain in order to know how deep you go.

“I didn’t mean that way. ______-ah,”

“I don’t care. Just please, don’t mind me.”

I said and then tried to pull my hand out from his grip but no good. He is a boy and clearly stronger than me.

“Why are you like this?”

“It’s none of your business.”

“You are my business.”

“I am not. We broke up… already.”

I said almost whispered.

“But that didn’t mean I can’t look up to you.”

Can you just act like you don’t care about me now? I don’t want to raise my hope again and believe that you still love me. I will only get hurt again and I don’t want it to happen. I pulled my hand back to me and stare out of nowhere, reminding myself to keep my front and act all cool.

“_____-ah, let’s talk.”

“No, I don’t want to.”

I said before walking past him. I thought I already made it through until I crashed on the wall. No way! You can’t hold me close, I might fall even more. This time, I can’t manage my tears anymore as they fall freely out of my eyes. I looked up and saw him staring at me. I can tell that he’s examining my face. He’d been examining my face until he met my gaze. His eyes softened as he stares on my tears streaming down.

“I hate you seeing you so fragile—“

“Then don’t look at me. You don’t have to.”

I managed to scream. It hurts me, I don’t want to see pity in his eyes. It saddened me even more. It hurts my ego and even my heart. It made me feel so worthless and helpless. There’s no need for him to felt bad for me. Everything happened and all we have to do is move on. Maybe I can’t do that now, but one day I will. But if he keeps acting this way, I don’t think I can do it.

“You look so vulnerable.”

“Kyungsoo-ssi, please stay away from me. I’m trying my best to get away from you, so please do the same. Please do me a favor.”

 I am happy that he still shows care for me but I know that was just a concern because he breaks my heart. He may be felt guilty because I turned out this way but that’s not it. This is my own choice, it my choice to turn this way so there’s no need for him to feel bad or even guilty.

“______-ah, please take good care of yourself.”

My tears keep on running down. Please stop this bull. Please act cold towards me, please act like you didn’t give a damn about me now. I will be fine with that rather than you showing concerns towards me. I will be fine crying in the corner of my room thinking how you moved on and find another girl than crying because I raised my hope too high believing we can still be together. I would rather live that reality than this. You just made me long for you even more, so please stop already.

“Kyungsoo-ssi, please stop already…”

I said while looking directly to his eyes.

“Please stop being so nice to me. Please stop while I can still manage to think properly.”

“But you are—“

“I still love you… and you acting this way didn’t help my situation at all. You are making this hard for me. Please stop now!”

With just a swift of second I felt something soft against my lips. I felt how hands circled around my middle securing me and how it pulled me close. I felt how his lips move against mine. I felt how my heart beating abnormally. I felt how light I am right now. I am losing it. I completely lose myself and find myself moving my lips according to his movements and circled my hands around his neck pulling him close to me. We pulled away for air and then he rested his forehead against mine before saying,

“We can’t be right now, but I will come back to you because you’re the one I truly love. Please believe in me.”