Luhan stands before the wooden door, a simple carry-on in his hands. He holds it in a tight grip, fingernails digging crescents into his palms, belying the light weight that is his baggage. It barely amounts to anything, what with two sets of clothes and whatever odds and ends Luhan remembers to throw in.

A haphazard, last-minute baggage, truth to be told, which just about sums out this entire escapade in a nutshell.

The doors open, and Luhan sees the familiar almond eyes and sweet, soft cheeks.

Minseok, Luhan breathes and he falls into the embrace of the man he has been dreaming for all this while.

The carry-on falls, a hollow thud sounding.

-

Luhan, Minseok says and his arms fall open instinctively.

It doesn’t last long though. Minseok jerks the next second and he withdraws, shoving Luhan away almost violently.

He stares at Luhan in disbelief.

Luhan, Minseok repeats and his eyes are haunted, his fists clenched. It loses all its wonder and surprise. Minseok shakes his head once before he slams the door shut.

He pretends not to see Luhan’s hands reaching out desperately in the corner of his eyes, he pretends his heart doesn’t ache. Minseok tightly wraps his arms around himself as he takes in deep, shuddering breaths, leaning against the door.

-

Luhan doesn’t miss the steely look in Minseok’s eyes before the door closes.

Luhan falls to the floor and he weeps.

-

Minseok resists the urge to run blindly into his bedroom, he resists the urge to fall into a cleaning spree. Minseok will not run away this time round. He will not dull himself with crying, he will not isolate himself from society.

Minseok leans against the thin wooden door and he imagines he can feel Luhan’s heat seeping in from the other side.

Minseok does his best not to feel the pounding in his chest.

-

Luhan stops crying. He sits up and pulls his knees to his chest.

Minseok, he says in halting tones. Minseok, can you hear me?

Luhan is uncertain of many things, but there is one truth he knows in his heart.

He has to try.

Minseok, if you can hear me. I will just like to say—there are many things I want to say, but. But I guess I will have to start with this. Minseok, I am—I am so sorry…

-

Minseok stands and moves away from the entrance.

-

… many things have happened, and I have achieved some of what I have always wanted. I have performed at the Tokyo Dome, I have won Daesangs—3 even—and I have released many acclaimed albums. And I will be lying—lying if I say I regret the last 12 years. But. But—I have always regretted leaving you, Minseok. You were the brightest thing in my life and—and I wouldn’t have done that if I the management did not force me, but—

Luhan sighs and he runs a troubled hand through his hair, I am sorry, I am making excuses even now, aren’t I? But, I mean what I say, Minseok. You have never left my mind all these years…

­-

Minseok grips tightly at a tattered plushie. It is a Mickey Mouse and looks as if it has seen better years.

He clutches at it like a drowning man holds onto a lifebuoy.

Minseok buries his head into the plushie and breathes in deeply; he has always found this action calming. It smells of lavender and lemongrass, the softeners that Minseok favours.

It smells of tangy cinnamon too.

And Minseok knows it is his imagination because that scent has been nowhere near him for the past 12 years.

It figures. Minseok has never been free from him.

Minseok gathers his scraps of courage and holds the plushie close to his heart. He returns to the door, and Minseok can already hear the familiar voice.

It has been 12 years, but Minseok can still recognize that voice anywhere.

-

… have probably read from all those gossip magazines about my… my short-lived relationships with other celebrities. Seohyun, Yura and—and this is probably quite rude of me, talking about my exes to you.

But do you know why they have all failed? Do you, Minseok? Luhan lets out a laughter void of humour.

All the while, when I was dating them, I was thinking about you, Minseok. Comparing you to them, Minseok. And I have always found them wanting, because my ideal type—the dumb games we play on TVs—has always, always been you, and no one else. Sohee, Sohee was the one who lasted the longest, and only because she looks like you.

She is more reserved though, and she doesn’t have your bright smile. And when I broke up with her, I know that you are the only one for me. I have been imposing your image on them all this while, and—and it is an impossible thing I was doing, because no one can ever have your brilliance, Minseok.

You have been the only one for me since we met at 18. And you will be the only one for me forever…

-

Minseok closes his eyes and he feels a familiar weight returning to his shoulders.

When he opens his eyes next, Minseok looks as if he has aged a decade. His gaze is haunted and wounded, and Minseok looks as if he will never know joy again.

Minseok is afraid of this the most.

-

… got together with Taeyeon. Baekhyun told me that himself. Do you remember how crazily he was chasing her when we were trainees? Well, Baekhyun finally got his happy ending. They are getting married, Minseok.

You won’t find it reported anywhere, because management is saving it up—just in case a scandal crops up—but you can take my word for it, Minseok. Taeyeon and Baekhyun are getting married and all of a sudden, I don’t know what I am doing with my life.

Do you remember? We used to be the golden couple back in the years. Baekhyun used to envy us, but now it’s the other way round. And, and—

I just packed my bags and left, you know. Before I know it, I am in front of your door—I have been keeping track of your whereabouts all this while—and, and what I want to say is. What I want to say is… this is.

This is—Luhan opens and closes his mouth wordlessly. His hands are damp and sweaty.

-

Minseok leans back, his head tilting skywards. He can feel a wetness in his eyes.

-

We aren’t supposed to be a tragic love story, Luhan settles for wearily.

Luhan pauses, a glimmer entering his eyes. He says with more fire in his voice, I will not let us be a tragic love story.

Minseok, I love you. I have loved you for the last 17 years, and I am not going to stop anytime soon. And I know you think this probably sounds frivolous from a guy who left to pursue his dreams, who barely did anything to keep you, but.

But, I am older now, Minseok, older and wiser. I am stronger too. I promise I will fight them this time round. I will—if I can up and leave my place, I can up and leave the company too. Minseok, I have come to realize that you are more important than any dreams, because you are the dream itself. And I am so sorry for taking so long to realize this, but I promise not to let you down this time round.

I will—

-

The door swings open. Luhan falls backward, his hands scrambling at the air in surprise. Minseok watches with an impassive mask on his face as Luhan gathers himself together.

I have not forgiven you, Minseok says the moment Luhan looks up hopefully. The light in Luhan’s eyes dull.

Something in Minseok’s chest twists and Minseok does his best to ignore the hurt.

-

Then, then, Luhan gestures inarticulately, limply. He does not dare to say anything, afraid that a word misplaced will send him out of Minseok’s place, out of Minseok’s heart.

Again.

-

Minseok does not explain immediately.

He says instead. Like you have said, 12 years have passed—Minseok spies the flicker of anguish on Luhan’s face—and we have all changed. You and I, both.

You are Luhan, but you are not the Luhan I know. Knew.

And I am not the Minseok you once knew. You are imposing the 18 years old me onto the me now, and there can be no happy ending from this—

-

No, Luhan’s voice come out strangely harsh, interrupting Minseok.

He nearly stops at the surprise that crosses Minseok’s face, but Luhan ploughs on. He ploughs on, before he loses his words, loses his determination.

No, I love you, and not because of stupid things that can be changed by the flow of time. The Minseok now and the Minseok then may not be the same, but I don’t care about the superficial nothings. Who I love is you, and only you, in your entirety.

All that I do not love now, I can learn to accept, and love eventually, because… because you are Kim Minseok.

-

Minseok sighs.

You say this because you have never really dated before—not after me, anyway. Your relationships in the showbiz… how can you love when your every action is analysed, when you are forced to skulking around on dates? Luhan, this is madness—

-

Minseok! Stop—stop this. Luhan’s voice breaks as he softens into a whisper. I can understand if you don’t want to take me back, but. But, don’t make my love for you into something superficial.

How many thousands of love songs have I sung? How many hundreds of love songs have I composed? Minseok, I sang them all and wrote them all—thinking of you. My best songs, the ballads that got me my awards, they were all written about you, for you, to you.

The Disneyland song? The stupid song about fairground games, ferris wheels and carousels? It is all—

-

You are in love with a man who exists only in your memories—

-

I am not!

And even if I am—even if I am, aren’t you the same? Aren’t you in love with the man from your memories? Aren’t you still in love with the me 12 years back? Luhan stands up and points an accusatory finger at Minseok.

I may not be beside you during the last few years, but I do my best to keep track of you, Minseok. And I know that all your relationships are as short-lived as mine. Miserable things that can barely be called relationships. Flings, really.

You have never settled down and you are constantly searching and—

-

How do you know all this? Minseok narrows his eyes.

­-

How does that matter? Luhan throws his hands up. Minseok, I love you, and I know you love me. We are both in love with each other, so why can’t you just let us be together?

I love the you in the past, I love the you in the now and I will love you forevermore. Minseok, I love you, I love you, I love—

-

Minseok holds his hands up to his ears. Stop! he cries, and he is faintly appalled to find tears running down his cheeks. His iron façade has disappeared like a distant fog and Minseok retreats away from Luhan, walking backwards as if Luhan’s words physically wound.

Minseok walks back and back, till he trips over a rug.

-

Luhan rushes forward. His hands are around Minseok’s waist in an instant and he holds him up, not letting him fall.

-

Minseok pushes Luhan away and cradles his arms to himself.

Stop this, Luhan! I am not in love with a memory, I am not in love with a phantom. I am not, I am not, I am not!

And I am not a trinket for you to throw away and pick up as you wish, Luhan. Minseok sinks to his knees and whispers despairingly, I am not something you can take up and discard at will—

-

Minseok, you have never been one. Luhan’s voice is gentle. Luhan kneels down and hesitatingly reaches a hand out. His heart breaks at Minseok’s words.

I am sorry, Minseok. I have never wanted to hurt you with my thoughtless actions—Luhan places a tentative hand on Minseok’s shoulders—but that is what I always end up doing, don’t I?

Luhan laughs a self-deprecating laughter with glass shards in place of amusement. Luhan quietens down when he senses Minseok tensing.

The false bravado falls and Luhan resumes his apologies.

I am so sorry, Minseok. But this is the truth, and the truth is that you are have always been the most previous thing to me. I may not have known that when I was young and foolish, but I know now, and I am not going to let you go, Minseok.

I will—

-

Stop, Luhan, Minseok’s voice comes out in halting pauses, Stop. You lost all my trust, 12 years back.

The weight of Luhan’s hand is a familiar, comforting presence. Minseok resists the urge to lean into the touch.

-

What can I do to convince you? Luhan’s grip tightens, and something akin to desperation colours his words.

-

If Minseok remembers correctly, if Luhan has not changed from the boy he was 12 years ago, this is the real Luhan he is seeing. This is a sincere Luhan.

Minseok does not reply immediately though. He stares, silent, eyes wide and unblinking as his heart scrambles to breathe, as his logic flexes its muscles. Minseok plays out the internal struggle within him.

It is a long, drawn-out battle that only ends when Minseok spies the tattered plushie forgotten on the floor.

Minseok amasses all the courage he has and he speaks, Leave—

-

Luhan’s heart crumbles and he begs, Please, Minseok—

-

And return another day. Minseok wavers slightly.

-

A glimmer of hope returns to Luhan’s eyes.

-

And chase me, get to know me. Get to know the 35 years old me. And then, Minseok takes in a deep breath, We will see how it goes.

Minseok’s brains tell him that this is counterproductive to the past 12 years—to his efforts at forgetting Luhan—but his heart beats erratically and Minseok has not felt like this since an eternity ago. Perhaps, it is beating to the pulse of happiness.

And maybe, love.

-

Luhan’s heart leaps at Minseok’s words. 

lalalalala~ what in the world am i writing omg lol. sad xiuhan came out of nowhere.