Two weeks. It took two weeks to get Kyu back. When he arrived, he was withered ghost of his past self. Jonghyun let him to his own room, closed the door and said, let Kyuhyun be for now. After nurse Key's leaving Jonghyun got more closed and strict, we often heard loud noices between him and Taemin behind the closed door of staff's room. I was worried of Key. I was worried of Kyu. And my family was coming to visit me on the next weekend. Over nine months here, and it would be first time they're coming to see me.

Time has been flying here, or not flying, it is stuck in its place and still the outside world is rushing in high speed towards the winter and end of the year. Almost year inside that.. castle of crazies. You might be interested how others are doing? I don't really know, I've been stuck inside my own head, listening my tired voice over and over and over again, how I repeat these two stupid lines again, and again. I've lost weight, which is good, I've always hated how I'm the chubbiest one always. During therapy, my mind is blank, filled with white emptiness, not cold anymore, but burning hot whitness which is making me blind. 

Three, four days later we had our weekly meeting in the beginning on week, something big was coming, I could sense it, and so could others. I was second to come, Kyuhyun was already sitting there (I'm assuming Kai - the new nurse you remember? had pestered him to come NOW not LATER), and like magnet, I sit next to him, and he was radiating the comforting warmness. "Kyu..." I heard myself saying, and soon after that, I felt his bigger hand brushing my hair and pressing my head against his shoulder. And I closed my eyes, and finally, slept. 

I didn't get even ten minutes of sleep, when everyone else came and head nurse Jinki opened the meeting with terrible, oh so terrible words.
- "Goor morning.. I've two.. two really sad news to you and.." He glances Jonghyun, who stands beside Changming, who stands beside Taemin, who is hip to hip with Kai.
- "The thing here is that.. that we don't usually tell other patients news to other patients, but because most of you has known him for years here already, and his situation has risen pretty much talks here, we decided.. we decided that it's better be honest and tell you what is going on."
- "Shim Changmin is here for two more hours today and other wards dr. Kim is here for you for the night if someone needs more help with the situation than we might give you so."
- "The thing is that.. our, your friend, Kibum, has been found. Dead. He took his life and -"
- "That's enough Jonghyun."
- "Me, and dr. Kim are here for you, we know that this is different crisis here than usually -"
- "But we're here for you and your well being, so do not leave alone with your thoughts and come and ask our time and we can talk about that and everyhting."

And I pressed my head harder against Kyu's chest and Kyu covered my ears with his hands, pressing my head tighter against his chest. I didn't hear Jonghyun's "No physial contact!", and I'm sure he didn't say anything, but was covering his eyes and his mouth was morphed into silent, pained scream.

I don't want to live anymore.
I'm so tired.