This Innocence
Is You who I hold onto...
[ Listen to Innocence by Avril Lavigne ]
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It's been two years and she had yet to face him on this bitter anniversary. This is the second time she forced herself to stay home and not see him like she normally did. She felt so lethargic and numb, she couldn't even get up from her small table. Sitting on the floor, she leaned forward and sprawled her upper half on the cold surface. There was a dull look in her eyes as she blankly stared at his picture that she kept. Him and that dorky smile he often gave her whenever they were together. Instantly, she smiled gently, her chest becoming heavy, her dull eyes began to water as she lazily lifted her hand and gently brushed the cold glass with her fingers.

“I'm sorry I didn't see you today...” she apologized brokenly but continued to smile, “You understand... Right?”

She didn't realize it, but her vision became blurry and tears were now falling from her eyes as she continued to stare at that still image of him, staring back at her with that smile and those loving eyes. It wasn't a few seconds until a tsunami of emotions crashed into her and she just busted into tears again.

“Jaejoong...” she cried as she pulled her hand away and balled it, “Jaejoong... It hurts so much... I need you so much... I miss you so much...”

Two years ago, she was able to stand next to him and touch him. Two years ago, she was able to face him and see that stupid but genuine smile, along with those glowing eyes that held so much love; he could easily suffocate her with them. Not like she really did mind, she was just as happy as he was when they were together.

Though, not many of their peers were comfortable with their age differences. Four years apart, but love has no age, right? They practically grew up together, their parents didn't seem to mind since they were always together, even if they went to different schools at times. It didn't matter anyway, in the morning and right after school, they could see one another.

Everyday, he would give her a flower. One flower. A pink carnation. And everyday, she would happily take it and keep it close to her for the entire day. It was their secret way to let her know that he would always be with her, even though he wasn't there physically. And everyday, she would cherish it until they were able to see one another after school.

Everyday, he would see her with a smile and of course, she would return the gesture. Everyday was a simple routine, a routine that she often wished that it would never end. This was her innocence. This is what kept her happy. He was practically her sanctuary.

Until he got a girlfriend.

One by one, the carnations withered away, but instead of giving her a flower everyday; he'd give her a bouquet of pink carnations to make up for the days he missed to give her the flowers. She'd take them with a smile, which he assumed to be her forgiveness, but he would always overlook the lone tear that slid down her cheek as she was forced to watch him walk away with someone else. His smile and his loving eyes no longer belonged just to her. She was now forced to share.

And she didn't want to share it anymore.

For a small while, she accepted the flowers but along the way, once he was out of sight, she'd drop them and just walk away. And this continued until one day, she refused the flowers. It was a routine, he'd meet up with her once a week to give her the flowers, but one day, she just stared at them before she walked forward and left him there.

“_____!” he called after her, confused at her action. She just kept walking, but much to her surprise, she heard rapid footsteps and then a strong grip on her wrist. She merely sniffled and turned to him with her watery eyes. That caused his confused expression to turn into that of slight surprise and high concern, “_____... What's wrong?”

“It's nothing,” she answered with a tearful smile, “I'm just waiting for the day you realize I'm not your little sister.”

His grip immediately loosened and he could only just stare at her, his arm falling limp to his side and the bouquet of pink carnations slipped out of his grasp. As the flowers fell to the ground with a whispered thump, she just gave him a small yet bittersweet smile before she dashed off to only God knew where. Although it was vague, it was a confession that impacted him really deeply.

Days turned into weeks and those weeks turned into a month. Even though they were just a fence away from one another, neither one of them made an effort to speak to one another. Even at school, they would just brush past one another, it was as if they were just another another face in the crowd. But within their hearts, a small piece had broken off for every slight touch they shared and a simple offhanded glance would break off an even bigger piece.

This continued even after his graduation. For most of the summer, they never spoke to one another, but there were moments when he tried to speak to her, but he didn't know what to exactly say. And so, everyday, the both of them would walk off at opposite directions, no glances nor small brushes.

That was until he realized that he was going to leave for college. It was one of those rare summer nights where the skies cried. She was walking home from a friend's house, who lived just a few blocks away from hers. She didn't really bother running home, she actually welcomed the warm rain with wide, open arms and by the time she made it home, she was drenched from head to toe.

For the past two hours, he stayed on her doorstep, her mother had given him an umbrella since he refused to come inside to wait for her. It took him awhile, but he finally realized what she meant that day. And he mentally slapped himself for not understanding it until now. So here he was, waiting for her to return home with another bouquet of flowers; however, instead of pink carnations, there were seven red roses.

The light squeak of the front gate caused him to look up from the flowers. Standing in front of him was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. She held a really confused look on her face, but she just continued to stand there. He held a guilty smile as he got up from his seat and carefully made his way over to her, flowers and the umbrella in his hands. She stared, a slightly worried expression now on her small face as he advanced toward her to the point that they were both under the umbrella.

“What are you doing here?” she asked him, her voice seemed to break in the middle of her sentence.

“To let you know...” his voice trailed as he dropped both the roses and the umbrella before he embraced her as tightly as he could, “That I don't see you as my little sister.”

A light gasp escaped from her lips and she swallowed hard. Her forehead pressed against his chest and she shut her eyes tightly. Her vision started to get blurry and she couldn't help but smile while she slowly wrapped her arms around his waist. The feelings of her favorite high instantly returned to her and she accepted it with a huge smile.

Since that night in their first summer rain together, they were once again super glued together. The roses, she kept them in a little vase near her desk and she'd stare at them as they talked til the late night hours on their cellphones. She was finally in her state of innocence again and she never wanted to leave it ever again.

But nothing lasts forever and the both of them learned that the hard way.

He was invited to a final summer bash with his class. Of course he really wasn't going to miss out on this, but he had also promised her that he'd return early so they could spend his last night at his parent's house with her. Although she was a bit bummed out, she smiled and ended up staying at his house, keeping his parents company as they all waited for him to return.

He never came home that night.

He fell asleep, slightly drunk and woke up when he fell off a bed. Looking around, most of his friends were already knocked out, but there were a few people quietly hanging around. He didn't realize the time, but when he looked at his cellphone, there were over fifty missed calls and lots of missed text messages; all from the same number. He mentally cursed as he tiredly got up and dragged himself over to his car. He had a pounding headache, so he stopped over to a nearby gas station to go fill up and to grab an energy drink. It was there that he noticed a little cheap fake rose, with a little bear thing hugging onto a heart. He couldn't help but lightly snort out a tired laugh as he grabbed it and paid for that as well.

He never did realize how tired he was, even with the energy drink, but he had promised her that he'd be there before he had to leave. Sure, he knew he was going to get the lecture of a lifetime, but hopefully the little gift he got her would help the situation just a tiny bit. Yawning, he whipped out his cellphone and called her number. It rung for a little bit before he heard her voice mail message. He couldn't help but smile since she made it sound like she had answered her phone, but in reality, it was just her mail. He knew better, but he had to admit that he fell for it every now and then.

Maybe he shouldn't have done that. Because one moment he was going to tell her his true feelings and the next moment, he saw her smiling image before it faded into black.

Her vase broke, which caused her to wake up with a start. Instantly, her tired eyes snapped open and she couldn't help but wince when she noticed a small cut on her hand when a piece of the vase had cut her. Not long afterward, the phone rang, which his mother tiredly answered. Offhandedly, she reached out for her cellphone, slid it open and noticed the voice mail. Just when she was about to see what it was, his mother started to scream.

Her entire world crashed right before her eyes the moment she stepped into the hospital. She was forced to wait in the waiting area since there was a a two person limit. Her eyes became dull as she stared at the white tile. Everything was white and she was beginning to not like it one bit. With a shaking hand, she took out her cellphone and went to listen to the voice mail he left her.

“Hey _____,” he greeted her tiredly, “Look, I know I said that I'd leave early, but it seemed that a few guys had sneaked in some alcohol and I didn't realize that I had some of the special punch. And I guess I passed out. I'm sorry that I didn't keep my promise, but I just wanted to let you know that I'm coming home right now and you can hit me all you want. I could use it anyway... This energy drink really .”

She couldn't help but lightly laugh as he tiredly chuckled.

“... I'm really sorry though. I know everyone is going to be angry, especially Mom since I skipped out on the dinner she prepared. Was it good? Oh, what am I saying, of course it was. And I can't wait to have the rest of it for a super early morning breakfast. Well, I should be home in about twenty minutes, so I'll give you a proper apology when I get there. And...”

He hesitated, sighed but she could just feel his smile at the next line.

“I love you.”

Two seconds later, loud screeching and his panicked voice entered her ears. It was when she heard a loud crash that caused the line to go dead. And she didn't realize it, but she had started crying the moment she heard his tired voice.

“Jaejoong...” she called out through her phone as her body shook, “Jaejoong... Why did you hang up? Did you want my answer...? Jaejoong... I... Love... You...”

Dropping her cellphone, she slid off the seat and busted into complete hysterics. It wasn't long until his parents walked out of his room and seeing her on the floor with her cellphone on the floor. His mother only cried more before she fell on her knees and hugged the girl tightly. In her hands was the little fake rose he had held onto and refused to let go.

Two years ago, she wasn't able to tell him that she loved him too. And for two years she regretted that mistake. Staring at his picture—which also had that little apology gift that he never got the chance to give her personally right next to it—she stopped making noise, but her eyes were still slowly pouring out her tears. It was super late and it was raining. Her eyes were becoming heavy and she slowly reached out for his picture again, but stopped when her finger tips brushed the cold glass again.

“Jaejoong... Love...” she called out quietly as she closed her eyes, “I love you...”

I love you too...