Open when you're sad.
 

"Why are you crying Baek?" Chanyeol rushed to my side.

"I don't why Yeol. I just felt like crying." I said through my tears.

"Hey, tell me why you're crying. Come on." Chanyeol egged me.

"I don't know, I really don't." I said.

"Come here." Chanyeol said and pulled me into a tight hug. I smelled his cologne, a really manly and cool scent and it calmed me down. I breathed slowly, trying to absorb Chanyeol's scent in me. I could feel his big hands rub circles on my back and whisper hush, calming me further.

"Are you okay now? I don't hear you crying anymore." Chanyeol said.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Can you tell me why you're crying? There's always a reason why you cry."

"I... I can't imagine a life without you Chanyeol. I've planned my future with you and since I've planned them anymore what if-"

"Baek, stop it. I'll live. You'll live. We'll live. We'll be in love and be together for a long long time. We'll get married. We'll adopt kids, a son or a daughter or both. We'll live in our dream house. We'll grot old and grey together and we'll live to see our children's children and grandchildren. I promise. That future you've planned, it'll come true. Trust me baby okay?"

"I do. I trust you."

Chanyeol pulled me into a hug again, tighter this time. I whispered my gratitude so many times in his chest. I felt his hand on my hair, ruffling it.

I felt drops of water on my shirt, like rain wetting me. I heard Chanyeol's restrained sobs. He's trying to be strong for me.

And for him.

"I love you so much Baek, so so so much. I will really try hard to make my promise."

"I love you too."

But as they say, promises were meant to be broken.

 

 

--

 

 

I woke up, a very familiar pattern in my mind. I stood up from my bed and headed straight for the bathroom, grabbing a towel in the process. I passed by the mirror.

I haven't looked in a mirror for days, fearing what reflection I would see.

I covered my eyes when I faced the mirror, not ready for what I will see. I took three deep breaths, just like what countless doctors told me, and slowly lowered my hand.

I almost screamed at what I saw.

I looked emaciated. My eyes looked sunken and and red from crying, my skin was horrible, my lips were terribly chapped, my hair hung dry and lifeless. I lifted my shirt and I could count my ribs effortlessly. I was skin and bones, my body lacking the proper nutrients for a twenty-three year old. I looked like I was on the brink between life and death, which I actually felt every waking day of my worthless life.

What the mind is, the body reflects.

I was breathing too fast, inhaling and exhaling too much, my chest rising up and down too much, my head spinning too much. My mind was playing too much thoughts, I am feeling too much of too many. I feel an attack coming up and I tried to calm myself down. 

Breathe in, breathe out.

Slowly.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Slowly.

Breath in, breathe out.

Normalcy came back to me. My daily routine came back to me. I'm supposed to be dressed for work by now. I turn on the tap of the shower, pointing to cold and stripped myself of clothes and stepped in the inviting water. I didn't mind the freezing cold temperature and just showered quickly. 

Yet I didn't go to work.

I don't even have work anymore. I resigned, or was I fired because apparantly I can't separate emotion from work? A lot of has ed up and ed me up so I'm not surprised I can't remember why. Instead, I balled myself up on my mind, covering myself in blankets. I feel cold every damn time and it's ing summer. What the 's wrong with my body now?

But above all, I just felt really... sad. An inner melancholiness that cannot go away because it has an iron tight grip on me, and maybe because I do nothing to make it go away. I wallow in self-pity and self-harm and incredible misery every waking day of my life and I do nothing to stop them. Is it because I welcome the desolation? Is it because I like inflicting pain on myself? Have I grown into a masochist because of extreme grief?

I don't ing know.

I felt the tears form and I gave them free rein to take over me. I covered my eyes and let out all the bottled feelings of grief that I still have. Do I have a quota in crying? Why haven't I reached it until now? How many more times do I have to cry until it runs out? I sobbed my heart out, becoming so vulnerable. I was shaking in tears and my mind conjured the most painful memories that made me cry even more.

Why am I so ed up?

Nothing can calm me down anymore. The person who can only do that has passed away, leaving me with nothing. I have nothing, left with nothing, earning nothing. I am nothing.

I don't even know what happened anymore but I felt my hands reach out for a poorly wrapped box and opening it to reveal a set of envelopes. I get the one labelled with,

Open when you're sad.

It was written by hands ever so familiar, it's way of writing so scrawly and small and decorative in way that reflects his bright personality. I carefully opened the envelope and took out the piece of paper, also written by the same lovely hands of Chanyeol. I opened the folded letter and began to read the letter;

 

Baekhyunnie~

Timestamp: 05:10am, June 14,2013. Washington DC, United States of America.

Yah! I don't want any tears on this letter okay? Have you seen the tissues that came with this? Wipe your tears away or else you're not going to read this letter properly, and this is a very important letter.

Have you wiped them? Okay good. I hope you pretended they were my hands that wiped your tears away, because I know that it could calm you down. I really don't like it when I see you sad and crying. I don't know if you know this but I saw you cutting once.

You held this blade in your hands like it was so normal for you and slashed it across your skin and blood came out of your skin but you seemed so undeterred by it so you continued it.

That was the day I vowed to myself that I would live to see the day that you're not depressed anymore. I will be alive the day that you're smiling at the littlest of things and laughing endlessly at my jokes or my attempted sense of humor. 

And I did. I lived long enough to see that day come to fruition because of both of our efforts.

I love seeing you smile. I love hearing your laugh. I hope I can still hear them after I'm gone. I don't want that precious smile to be wiped away and your high pitched laugh unheard of in favor of sobs and tears. Just because I'm gone doesn't mean you should stop smiling and laughing. I hope you still see the positive sides even after I'm gone.

Okay?

Yah Byun Baekhyun! Did you even get this stuff in your head? I know you're so stubborn and hard-headed about things. I just want the best for you babe. I hope you got strength from this.

Don't be sad now okay? Keep smiling. Keep laughing, even if you look stupid. I saw posters here in the hospital saying it takes less muscles to smile than to frown. Even if the world seems so against you, even all the tables have been turned, even if the odds aren't in your favor (The Hunger Games keep replaying here in the TV. They seem to like that movie a lot), just keep proving them wrong.

Just think of me, and you can overcome whatever sadness and depression there is.

Okay?

I love you.

And I miss you so damn much.

Your Chanyeollie.

 

Instead of smiling I think I just cried even more. The letter had several drops of my tears embedded in it. But it did give me hope, a little strength, a little positivity in life. Chanyeol's letter gave me light that is starting to guide me to something better. 

I opened the envelope and took the tissues. I wiped my tears away, a small smile on my lips. Chanyeol's right; pretending they were his hands did calm me down. How I wish it was reality, but I guess I have to deal with flimsy tissues.