[ANOTHER DOUBLE UPDATE: THIS IS PART ONE OF A DOUBLE UPDATE.

Seeing as we took so long to update.]

Eunhyukkie: Hae~ sorry for texting so late, are you up? ^^

Haekdonghaek: Hi, yeah ^^ I got the REALLY early train down to Mokpo, work is closed for renovation so I thought I’d visit~ what’s up?

Eunhyukkie: So you’re in Mokpo right now? Say hi to everyone for me! Nothing going on right now, I’m in a really boring lecture…

Haekdonghaek: I’m halfway there, stupid night train takes foreverㅠㅠ but I’ll let everyone know you said hi! They make university sound so nice on TV… it’s all lies?!

Eunhyukkie: It’s lies when you’re a nerdy foreign kid who can’t play American football or speak in American slang! Aren’t you tired?

Haekdonghaek: Sounds like I’d fit right in, let’s swap places ^^ yeah I’m so tired ㅠㅠㅠㅠ worth it though, Donghwa is visiting so I get to see him and my nephew~

Eunhyukkie: I think you’d like it here a lot more than I do… I’m jealous, I still haven’t met him >< Why are you travelling so late?

Haekdonghaek: Jongwoon and I had a fight… so I stormed out and took this train instead of a more reasonably timed one… heh.

Eunhyukkie: Wait – you had a fight?! Why? ㅠㅠ

Haekdonghaek: He was calling me a lazy slacker, so I told him to stop acting like my father and he said “well someone has to” and I left. He already text me like six apologies though~

Eunhyukkie: Good, or I was about to say something him! But, isn’t it always Heechul hyung who nags you? Kkkk

Haekdonghaek: Hyukkie, my guardian angel~ ^^ Heechul was nagging me yesterday to find a partner for Valentines Day – apparently I need to stop moping!

Eunhyukkie: Oh crap… Valentines Day… I have no idea what to get Ahri ㅠㅠ           

Haekdonghaek: Oh yeah, your girlfriend. Chocolates and flowers.

Eunhyukkie: I was thinking that but… I don’t know! I want it to be special~ I mean if you were her what would you really want? ^^

Haekdonghaek: Just having you is a gift in itself. She’s lucky as hell.

Eunhyukkie: I can’t give her me as a present, Hae, heh  ㅠㅠ

Haekdonghaek: I guess you can’t ^^ take her for a picnic in Central Park, you can hire out a horse and carriage to take you on a ride around the park too. She’ll love that.

Eunhyukkie: …wow. That is actually such a good idea! You’re such a romantic, Hae, thank you for helping me ^^

Haekdonghaek: Yup, you’re welcome~

As tedious as the train journey to Mokpo is I don’t mind it much. I have my earphones and enough Bruno Mars on my phone to get me through the majority of this ride, which suits me down to the ground.

The friendly conductor stamps my train ticket and wishes me an early good morning before stalking off a few rows behind me to noisily eat his sandwiches.

I was secretly pleased to be getting the super early train through to Mokpo, because it meant I could go to Sunday mass with my family and it had been a long time since we’d all done that together. My phone buzzes with another apology text from Jongwoon, despite me telling him, six times, that it’s okay.

The unexpected text from Hyukjae had been an excessive pick-me-up, until he mentioned his girlfriend.  

I’m not entirely sure what I expected to happen. Did I think Hyuk was going to throw his future away and come skipping back to Seoul straight into my arms? A little.   

It had been nearly a month since he’d gone back to America, also meaning it had been nearly a month since our lips last touched. I felt like some depressed teenage girl, mulling over my estranged boyfriend in the shower after downing a bottle of wine. Same difference.

For the best part of 5 hours I lay my head against the cold glass window and watch the world fly by. I saw acres of green, green grass and the occasional countryside farm. I saw the blues and purples of the dark, early morning sky ebb away into mid-morning, being replaced by a magnificent hue of oranges and pinks.

I always seem to find comfort in the sky. My father watches over me from the sky. My favourite colour happens to be blue; and I find huge security in knowing that, no matter how far apart Hyukjae and I are, we are under the same sky, staring at the same moon, squinting at the same sun.

Mokpo isn’t exactly a bustling city heaving with passing trade, it’s more of a quiet coast city that existed barely behind the sea – my dad was obsessed with the sea; a main reason why him and my mother left the heaving city of Seoul and settled down in a small town house near the sea.

Hyukjae and I first met in Mokpo. I was fishing with my dad, he was crying on the beach because Sora destroyed his sand castle.

“Lee Donghae, you bastard!”

The voice is recognisable by the first syllable; it’s my brother. I can also hear his wife scolding him for swearing in front of my toddler nephew.

“Lee Donghwa you – “

“Don’t even think about it, Donghae,” my mother snaps, slapping my upper arm with her handbag.

“It’s nice to see you too,” I groan, pulling her into a cuddle. Dongyul, my nephew, wraps his tiny arms around my leg and speaks in some baby, gibberish language that I’m not able to decode. Lastly Minyoung, Donghwa’s wife, gives me a quick cuddle and a peck on the cheek.

I like to think I have a close-knitted family. We get along pretty good about 90% of the time – probably because we never see each other. Donghwa moved to Japan not long after our dad died, which made me ecstatic. The stress of dad dying put a forceful strain on our usual, happy-go-lucky, brotherly relationship so I was happy to be rid of him.

“Did Hyukjae make it back to New York okay, dear?” mum asks me, giving my hand a suspicious squeeze.

“Yes mum, he’s fine,” I tell her.

“Donghae, when are you getting off your and doing something useful with your life, huh?” Donghwa says. There’s a malevolent titter punctuating his question, although I see the glimmer of seriousness in his eyes.

“I need to figure out what I want to do with my life first,” I remind him, “Everyone goes at their own pace.”

“Yikes, I didn’t realise you had a pace.”

Hyukjae going to university was putting more pressure on me that it was on him. When will I see the end of awkward silences after people ask what I’m doing with my life once I tell them my best friend studies in America?

[Message received: 12 February 2015 8:12PM]

Haekdonghaek: Kyuhyun hyung…? ㅠㅠ

GaemGyu: Donghae..! Hello… this is the first time we’ve spoken over text ^^

Haekdonghaek: Yeah, it is! Hi ^^ I just wanted to talk…

GaemGyu: Uh, sure. Just let me finish this game and then we can talk properly, ok?

[…]

GaemGyu: Sorry! I’m done~

Haekdonghaek: Wow, those games go on for a long time… hello ^^ hope you don’t mind me texting you~

GaemGyu: Of course not! What’s wrong with my new favourite dongsaeng? ㅋㅋ

Haekdonghaek: This is gonna sound weird but, you know Hyuk and Ahri?

GaemGyu: Ugh, how could I forget them! With the amount of noise that woman makes whenever she visits. Why?

Haekdonghaek: Is she annoying? ㅋㅋㅋㅋ Ah, I was just curious about her and Hyuk, he doesn’t talk about her much… what are they like in person?

GaemGyu: Incredibly. But she thinks I like her and I don’t have the heart to correct her. When they’re together… ah, should I say this?

GaemGyu: She definitely wears the pants in their relationship ^^

Haekdonghaek: She’s bossy? ㅋㅋㅋㅋ Hyuk has always been a pushover~ well, she must be something special if Hyuk is planning something big for Valentine’s Day…

GaemGyu: Tell me about it~ he’s such a good roommate! Planning something big? Hmm, why do I get the feeling he’s compensating for something..? I saw him on New Year’s, Hae~

Haekdonghaek: Huh, what do you mean? Heh! You pushed our heads together, hyung~

GaemGyu: I pushed your heads together… but Hyuk kept your heads together, right? Thinking about it, I’ve never seen Hyuk initiate a kiss with Ahri, and they kiss a lot… something to think about.

Haekdonghaek: Did Hyuk tell you about… what else happened at New Year? ㅠㅠㅠㅠ

GaemGyu: No he didn’t, but I’m afraid we all guessed anyway – I mean, you both ran off to the bathroom straight after you’d kissed and came back with flushed cheeks and an ability to make eye contact. Am I along the right lines?

Haekdonghaek: Hyung I’m embarrassed, don’t ㅠㅠㅠㅠ but yes that’s correct… we kissed a lot that night and then again before we went to sleep. Sigh.

GameGyu: Well damn, I didn’t realise my little push would make all of that happen ㅋㅋㅋㅋ have you talked to anyone else about it?

Haekdonghaek: Nope… I’m back at my mums now, I was going to talk to my dad about it… but that’s a bit of a one-sided conversation.

GaemGyu: Oh yes… Hyuk’s talked about your dad before, his opinion of him is so high ㅠㅠ You can always talk to me, if you need, and I don’t say that lightly to people.

Haekdonghaek: Thank you hyung ㅠㅠ I just want to know if I'm wasting my time with Hyuk, y'know? He's with Ahri so it looks like I am..

GaemGyu: You like him then? It must be hard for both of you to be apart so long. But I hope he doesn't stay with Ahri for much longer (for my sake just as much as yours ㅋㅋ)

Haekdonghaek: What if he falls in love with her? 

GaemGyu: Donghae, you just have to trust me for now when I tell you this, but that's definitely not going to happen. Anyway...let's stop talking about them, they give me a headache. Hyung can't wait for you to visit, I'll treat you to lots of American food ^^ what's your favourite?

Haekdonghaek: I like pancakes and waffles... ^^

GaemGyu: I know an amazing waffles place we have to go to then...aw, now I'm craving waffles ㅠㅠ

D- I'm sorry hyung, go get some waffles~!

After a few, well spent days in Mokpo, I decide to visit my father’s grave.

My dad is and was my hero; I was a little less appreciative when he was alive – ironically. That old saying, you don’t know what you have until you lose it, is applicable here. We had a normal father-son relationship I guess. Of course, we had arguments, sometimes I missed my curfew or sometimes he’d catch me up late at night, playing video games when I had school the next day. Donghwa was more a mummy’s boy – but me – I was all dads.

He died when I was 13, he was sick for a long time before that but it never dragged him down, that’s probably why it came as more of a shock when he died in his sleep one night. Hyukjae was sleeping over that night and held my hand all day. He even made tea for my family while we sat in stunned silence.

Dad is buried near the sea in Mokpo. It rains a lot and it’s almost always windy but I figure that adds more to this city’s loveable charm.

“I forgot how much it rains here,” I mumble, feeling the dampness of the grass below me starting to seep through my jeans. Dad is lacking in replies for obvious reasons, “So much has happened but I feel like I have nothing to tell you, heh.”

As much as I want to babble on about the New Year, Hyukjae incident a few chunks of shame and guilt are holding me back. Guys… kissing… it’s a taboo subject, especially to your totally-devoted Christian father.

Discussing it with Heechul is a totally different thing. I’m well aware that Heechul is open to any uality, however my dad is not here to inform me otherwise, so I stay quiet and chatter about mindless things instead. I tell him about my worries that I’ll never make something of myself, my constant comparisons to how good my friends are doing while I’m stuck in a coffee shop.

While he isn’t here to reassure my and ease my woes, I can almost feel his huge hands ruffling my hair and sending me on my way with some fatherly advice.

When the rain and solitude becomes too much, I pluck my phone from my pocket and stab out a message to Hyukjae, quickly shoving back into my jacket to shield it from the rain. The time difference s with my head too much, trying to figure what time it is there when it’s a certain time here.

I look to my sheathed phone and then to my father’s grave.

“I swear… waiting for a reply is like watching paint dry.”

Donghwa is my nearest and dearest, my elder brother. He’s 6 years my senior, though he rarely acts like it and he’s just finished wrestling me to the ground and dangling saliva above my face because I beat him at a video game. He the drip back up and crawls off me, chanting about his unbeatable strength.

“How old are you again?” I gripe, sitting upright with much discomfort.

“Not too old that I can’t kick your .” He sends a glare my way before cracking a toothed smile and softly punching my upper arm.

Donghwa was living the life I had dreamed of having, he was married with a kid and lived in one of those fancy, central city apartments. He moved to Tokyo to study business at university when he was 19 – I didn’t have the qualifications to get into university. Maybe I was destined for other things, but adults stress so much that good grades are the key to a good job, thus the key to a successful and happy life.

Heechul and Jongwoon made careers out of their hobbies; Heechul liked cats and Jongwoon liked being an , snippety er. Me… I like dancing and taking photos… and playing football. I’m not so amazingly skilled at any of them that I could turn them into careers though.

Every year for Christmas I would ask for a professional camera – my mum eventually caved 2 years ago and bought me a really good one, but I’ve barely used it.

“Donghwa, you think I could become a professional photographer?” I ponder, leaning my head to the side in deep thought.

“I think,” he says, stretching his arms upwards until all his bones crack, “You can become anything you want to. Would help if you actually used that DSLR mum got for you.”

I shrug. “I don’t even know to use it, there’s so many buttons and different functions.”

“Donghae, you’re 19, you act like you’ve never used the internet. Google it, I’m sure there’s a manual online.”

“What would I take pictures o – “

“The sky, busy streets, empty parks, Heechul’s cats for goodness sake, anything!” Donghwa cackles, slapping me on the back of the head, “Stop making excuses, you’re going to New York soon – that place is like, a photographer’s wet dream.”

An hour later, it’s pushing 3AM, Donghwa and I are still having our video game marathon and my phone starts buzzing from the coffee table. He and I both immediately give the device perplexed glances, until the penny drops and I realise it’s most likely Hyukjae.

“Ah, go on, take the call,” he yawns, “Dongyul picked up a nice little habit of waking up at 6AM every morning so I should go to bed.” With a parting wave he dashes upstairs, leaving me with my finger hovering over the ‘accept’ icon.

I depart to my own bedroom, whispering down the phone so mother isn’t to hear how late we stayed up.

Something in Hyukjae’s voice makes me immediately hesitant to speak to him. 

A/N: This took like 2 months I'm so sorry but, I was on holiday visiting author Jess then EunHae's London concert happened. Those are my excuses. THIS CHAPTER KINDA BUT IT'S ALL FOR A GOOD CAUSE. Sorry if there's any mistakes or plotholes, we have a habit of writing late at night when our heads are fuzzy ><