They say knowledge is power and education is key. The more you know the better you are. But Namjoon's sick of all of it. He doesn't want to have this mindset anymore. He misses the days when he can just wake up and not have to think about the responsibilities of a 20 year old and overthink himself to the point where it freaks him out about the future. Namjoon think the people who have the mindset of a child are truly gifted. They can still look at the world in the way Namjoon wants to look at it: bright and inviting, as if there's nothing to be scared about. Namjoon envies those people so much because he knows that maybe sometimes too much knowledge can end up frustrating you to no end.

The books the he's read the songs that he's heard to and the movies that he's watched all tumbled down into a goop of knowledge that influences him to be the person that he is today. To be Rap Monster, hip hop, Kim Namjoon. But who was he really? Namjoon always asked himself but never got the answer.

To be Rap Monster is to be an idol, an icon that his fans look up to and admire. To be Rap Monster was to perform live on stage, to put on make-up and a smile during variety shows. To be Rap Monster could be tiring sometimes with the lack of sleep and constant looks he got from his friends in the underground rapping scene. His life used to be surrounded by freestyle battles, crummy old microphones and frequent meet-ups with Daenamhyup. But now due to his busy schedule there was no more time for that. And Namjoon felt like he had left a big part of his life behind.

To be hip hop is to be in the studio every moment of his waking life writing lyrics that came from the heart, the moment his fingers touches the pencil he couldn’t let it go. To be hip hop is grabbing that microphone and rapping like his life depended on it. To be hip hop is to act a certain way, walk a certain way, and talk a certain way. Because hip hop is not just a genre of music, to him it’s a lifestyle. And the people who look down on it, saying that kids who listen to hip hop are reckless, just don't understand and will never understand as far as Namjoon sees it. But to be hip hop also means there can't be any make up, hair dye and aegyo involved. No one ever came up with it but it was just an unspoken rule. And for some reason you're hated on if you break that culture of hip hop. And Namjoon hated that.

To be Kim Namjoon is to be messy, destructive and most of the time incautious. To be Kim Namjoon is to wake up and not care about having cameras in his face. To be Kim Namjoon is to be free to do whatever he wanted, however he pleased. He found that just being Kim Namjoon was the best. He didn't have the weight of being a role model on his shoulders and he didn't have the intimidation of having to act "swag". Being Kim Namjoon was just being himself. But like Namjoon said, too much knowledge can end up frustrating you. And the knowledge of his fans seeing the real him and think "Oh, he's not that cool. Where’s the Rap Monster image everyone is talking about?" or the knowledge of other rappers seeing him and saying "His pose is whack. He looks like a rookie, probably raps like one as well" frustrates him to no end because now he's just a machine to please these people, to be their puppet and act accordingly to how they want him to act. He found that his way of talking changed when he's with the fans and when he’s at a secret gig located somewhere in Hongdae. It was like two totally different personalities.

However, Namjoon found out the only time when he can actually be true to himself and be 'Kim Namjoon'. It was when he was with Bangtan. And he thanked every star in the sky he's met the 6 boys. Because without them, there might not even be a Kim Namjoon.

this is so short wth i'm sorry