"Ya! What's this?!" the well-known mother in the band, G.O yelled as soon as I slipped off my t-shirt. I instinctively shushed him, travelled my eyes back at the sleeping form of Mir next to us.

"Mir`s sleeping," I whispered.

"You need to explain, Lee Joon. You said you need herbal patch to heal your stiff shoulder, so what's with this bruise?" the elder nagged with smaller voice. He poke the blemished skin that made me gritted my teeth not to sound the pain I felt. “Ah there’s another one,” he added and again poke his finger at my waist side.

"I`ve told you I slept with head hung on the edge couch, so I get a stiff and maybe some bruise."

G.O smacked the back of my head lightly. "Do you think I’m stupid?" he said but gave up when I only chuckled.

The elder gently applied the herbal patch on my beaten shoulder. He massaged the sore muscle lightly. I can’t help a winced but didn't let out any protest, felt grateful when the soft pressure from G.O`s fingers relaxed my muscles.

"So," he started the conversation again. "Did you take care of Mir a whole night?" the word `again` hung heavily in the air around us. But I knew he knows.

Again, I chuckled, this time without humor. "I won't say it take care, since I just satisfy my needy to be with him."

I could hear G.O sighed behind me. Out of the five men in MBLAQ, I could only related my feeling to the second oldest. G.O is too sensitive to his own good. It's not like I want to tell him about my feeling to the youngest, nor does G.O want to pry, but he just figured it out. I’m grateful, though, having someone who could hear my heart out. I must've crazy long before if G.O wasn't figured it out.

He’s the first one that I came to at that very night. He’s the only one that hug me comfortingly, said that it’s okay for me to cry. And no matter I keep tell myself that I won’t cry, I still cry on his shoulder. He still comfort me till the night passed and the sun shines brightly. I thought without him that time, I’ll just die.

G.O is the one that tell me it’s not wrong to love someone. No matter what the situation, he told me to be true, at least to myself. He told me to learn to let Mir go when I feel it’s too much and I must stop. But I can’t find myself to stop and I can’t exactly see where the ‘enough’ point he referred is. He told me the amount of love I have will hurt me. He predicted it and tell me about it. But I still run that path. Nevertheless, he stays with me and cheer me up, prevent me to do anything that might be destroy my life more than it already is.

"I’ve talked to doctor," G.O said while attaching another medical pack at my back. "Mir permitted to go home after another three days, if his condition keeps improve and if he eats well."

The news brought two side of emotion in me. I felt happy and relief, knowing that he grows better each day. On the other side, the pressure of do what I need to do is come soon in front of my eyes. I doubt whether I’m strong enough to endure it. To grab another crestfallen and keep myself from shatter. I mentally slapped myself. What was it about? There’s nothing else I wish than his health and happiness. He’ll healthy soon and what I’m going to do will bring him happiness. I shouldn’t doubt it. It’s not a choice, it’s a must. I must do it and there’s no time to be a coward and selfish. I already being a coward and selfish for years. It’s time to stop.

This is one more thing that makes G.O right. This insanity led me to self-destruction. I can sacrifice anything for Mir. I can’t see anything but him. I put him first of my anything. Those will be a perfect criteria for prince on a white horse. But we aren’t live in fairytales where we can get our happily ever after.

The real world is a cruel world, it’s not all pretty like fairy tales. I screw up and Mir’s happiness can’t be done if I get mine. It works like that. He can’t happy if I’m happy. I said I could sacrifice anything for him and I really do. To exchange my happiness with his own, it’s a price that I must pay. Price that seems very big, but it’s actually not. The price is nothing compared to what I’ve done to Mir and his happiness is worth it.

Somehow I know, knowing that he’s happy, it will bring me a happiness too. In a weird and mess up way, it will ease my dying soul.

“Joon? Did you hear me?” G.O called, bring me out of my trail of thought.

“Yeah,” I replied with a small voice. “That’s very good, isn’t it?” I added and grabbed my cloth to wear it back.

“Hyung, will you take care of Mir today?”

G.O nodded after spent a moment to look into my eyes. I didn’t know what he found there, but he didn’t like it. "The rest will come soon after."

I stood from my seat. "Then I’m going home first, hyung," I announced, tried my best not to avert my gaze from G.O's strong one. "I need to take care of stuff and I still have a long conversation with the agency," replied for the unspoken question.

The main vocal allowed me. "Be good," he said, referring to the conversion with agency. "And get some sleep. You will come again, won't you?"

I thought about it for a while. I’m running out of time. “Yeah,” I said finally. “I will.”

After wore my scarf and coat, I went next to the bed where Mir still sleeping soundly. I’m having an internal battle for not to touch him, but of course the madness roared the loudest and I my hand delicately to his pale cheek.

"I'm going home, okay?" I whispered softly, careful not to wake him up. "G.O hyung is here, and the other will be come right away. Be healthy soon, Mireu."

Then I bid his goodbye to G.O and left them alone. It's still funny how I always bid my goodbye to Mir whatever the situation is. It’s started in the beginning era of MBLAQ, when we are still living at the same dorm. At that time somehow we were too tired from all the practice that Rain forced into us. We all ended at the living room, sprawled at the floor. All five of us slept there side by side, too tired to even move a muscle to the bed room.

I slept next to Mir and we stay there for couple hours before our manager woke me up. I need to do another schedule. It’s a solo schedule so I left without woke them up. It turned out Mir searched for me. He worried when he didn’t find me once he’s awake. All told Mir not to worry but he waited for me until I came home late at night. I never go anywhere without tell him if we are together afterward. It’s what I called learn from experience. The habit stays until now, when I know her won’t search for me ever more.

Was I already love him at that time? I don’t know, but I can’t remember moment when I’m not in love with him.

I fisted my hand as I walked outside the hospital, thinking about what I’m going to do. It won't be pretty, but I need to do it now, before my weak heart sways. The road to the agency seemed blur. At one time I already took a shower and changed my clothes and now I already in front of the CEO's room. I can't remember how, but I won't think about it now. I have another thing that far more important.

Took the last deep breath, I entered the office after knocked. Both CEO and the director of the agency looked at me with the same questioning expression. Under their gaze, I felt intimidated, but entered nevertheless. I shut the door behind us.

“Joon, what a pleasant surprise, have a seat,” the director offered me a seat across the table from them. He stood next to the seating CEO who is Mir’s brother in law. CEO smiled at me friendly.

“You almost never come here, but you come in time. You haven’t sign your extended contract yet.”

The director suddenly busted into a fit laugh. “Are you here because you worry we will terminate your extended contract?”

The CEO laughed with him. "Is this really about it?  We surely won't change our mind to extend your contract because you run away from your schedule once,” he said to me. "It's unacceptable but family is the most important."

“Moreover I think you already learn from it,” Director added, refer to a long scold I got from them just 2 days ago.

I politely bowed to them. “This is indeed about it,” I said, lifted my head to look at him right in the eyes. "I don't want to extend my contact.”

Traced of laughter suddenly vanished just with that single sentence from me. They blinked twice, as if to make sure that I’m really sat in front of them.

"What? What are you talking about?" director, the one who recovered early from the two spoke.

This is it. I’ve prepared it over a month. I’m ready now, or so I said to myself. But when I opened my mouth to speak, it still feels like an acid. "I decide to quit MBLAQ."

The director gaped and the CEO shook his head. "Why?" he asked after managed himself.

I can’t looked at them so I drifted my gaze to my palms on my lap when answers. "I've thought about it for a while now. My family decided to stay in Japan. I’m going along with them.”

“What?” the director looked at me shocked, as if I suddenly grew a pair of hands on head. “Joon-ah, you can travel back and forth from Japan.”

This time I shook my head. “I decided to spend more time with my family. They’re not young anymore.”

The CEO quietly watched us as the conversation went on and on. Director convinced me in any way possible but I stay on my thought. It’s a stupid reason, I knew they thought about it too, but I can’t help it. I can’t reveal the real reason.

“Are you seriously will abandon MBLAQ? They will be dragged along and suffer.”

The CEO watched me closely. I tried my best to stay compose to assure them I really said what I want. “I don’t think I can be a singer again,” I said slowly. “I’m not really a singer from the first hand. Everyone never praised me because of my voice. It’s not really my place. Everyone will forget about me eventually and move on.”

The director rubbed his head and threw pleading look to the CEO. However the CEO only looked at me and asked. “Did you talk about it with the others?”

I blinked and shook his head. “Not yet.”

“You will go without telling them?”

“I will,” I said weakly. “When the time is right.”

The CEO looked at me without blink. “Mir is at hospital right now,” he stated. “Do you think it’s the right time to tell him about it? He considers you as best friend, he looks up for you so much.”

The name made me flinched. He knows, I think to myself. The CEO knows that name will be the best to make me falter. “Mir,” I said, loving the feel to voice his name. I must be ed up. “Mir will be alright.”

I can’t remember exactly how I managed to get home. Somehow I ended up at my own home, looking straight at my mom’s eyes that so understanding. She opened her arms and I blindly run to her embrace. She’s shorter, but she managed to sling her arms around my shoulder and patted my hair in comfort that I needed the most.

“You’ve told the agency?” she asked softly. I nodded, can’t trust myself to talk. She continue ruffled my hair.

“It’s okay baby, you did well,” she whispered lovingly. “I’m very proud of you.”

It needs every part of me not to break down and cry in front of her. She’s had been a silent witness to what I’ve come through for years. She shed her tears when I cried over Mir. I broke her heart and I don’t want her to cry for me again. I need to be strong, for us, and for myself.

“Why don’t you take some rest?” she said after several moments. “We’ll talk about it later.”

Both of us know it just an excuse. We don’t need to talk about it anymore. We’ve talked it for month. She already packed all of our belonging that we needed. We’ve ready to go anytime I’m ready. That’s the problem. I’m not ready. Not now. Not when Mir still at hospital, sick and hurt.

I kissed her cheek and went to my room. It’s all neat. My clothes are all in the open suitcase that ready to zip and brought. I’ve planned it for a month and I’ve told her the moment I thought about it. She already packed, and we’ve found a house in Japan that will be our house in the future. She’s had been there once, to check about the condition and when we know the house is exactly fit our need, I bought it.

Actually we would be there around now if Mir wasn’t got to hospital. I lied on my bed, tried to empty my mind and closed my eyes. I need some sleep, I felt tired. So why can’t I just go to dreamland? I retrieved my phone and dialed a number.

“Hello.”

“Hyung,” I greeted once he answered. “How’s there?”

“Everything’s fine,” G.O reassured. “The doctor just came by and he checked on Mir. He said as long Mir doesn’t put a quite burden on his back, he’ll be fine. They still deal with the nutrition, though. Mir doesn’t eat much to recover from the malnutrition.”

I closed my eyes and sighed. He eats too few. He’s so thin and light, I can feel all his bones when I carried him last night. Again, the pang of hurt in my heart suffocated me from air. I felt hot stung in my eyelids but I ignored it.

“Don’t worry too much,” he said over the phone. “I’m going to make sure he eats a lot today. He’ll be fine. We are all here for him.”

How ironic it could be. Everyone will be beside him, and he’ll going to be fine. Everyone except me. Thinking about it weakened my heart, so I shut those thoughts off. He’s going to be fine, that’s what the point. Everyone will take care of him. G.O, Sanghyun, even Seungho. Seungho’s more than capable to protect him and since Mir entered the hospital, their relation slowly come back to its way. He’ll be fine with Seungho, now that I’m not on the way.

“Will you come by now?”

“Not now hyung,” I answered. “I’ll come at night.”

“Alright, take some sleep, first.”

We ended the conversation and I closed my eyes again, now feel a little peace knowing about Mir. I let out a small empty laugh at myself. Just now I need to hear about him to calm myself. What will happen to me when I finally go?

***

I drove slowly on the empty street. I still feel tired. The several hour sleep I took didn’t ease the tired at all. When mom woke me up, I felt like I haven’t sleep. She cooked lots of food, and I hated it to turn down that. She deserved much more than a few bites and an apology. But she just smiled understanding and allowed me to go out, after softly reminded me that I still need to eat.

Shifting my eyes to the side mirror, I found the shop I’ve searched for. I turned and parked my car in front of the shop.

“Welcome,” the shop assistant warmly greeted as I opened the door with a bell sound. The sweet scent washed my nose. Jars of candy and sweets are everywhere with the rainbow colors. I take a look at each jar, read the label and walked further to find what I want.

“May I help?”

I looked to the smiling shop assistant that blushed hard when she recognized me. “Y-You are MBLAQ’s Lee Joon, right?”

The girl squealed when I nodded. “Oppa! I’m a big fan!”

“Thank you,” I said, returned her smile and bowed politely. “You work as a part timer?”

“Yes, oppa. So what do you want?”

“I want some cotton candy and bubble gum lollipop. Strawberry as well.”

She literally flew to gather the sweets. She skilfully placed them into different plastic bags and place it to the counter. “I don’t know oppa like sweets.” I smiled at her remark. I’m not really a fan of sweets, Mir does.

“Oh, I saw at media Mir oppa went to hospital. I hope he’s fine?”

“He’s going to be fine, keep support him, okay?” I replied, more of a promise. I pulled out some money and gave it to her.

“Of course I will. Oppa you look tired as well. You should take care of yourself too.”

She gave me the change with a bright smile. I smile back at her. “Thank you,” I said, pat her shoulder.

“Oh! Can I have a sign?”

“Of course, what’s your name?” I said. I gave her a sign and drove to the hospital.

It’s already nine when I stood outside Mir’s door. I took a peek from the window and I saw him asleep and alone. Quietly, I opened the door and get in. I placed the plastic bag of sweets at the side table, next to the flowers I brought him yesterday.

I noticed a tray full of food at the table. The food left untouched. I sighed and opened my coat, dabbed it to the chair next to the bed. I sat at the chair and let my eyes wandered to his sleeping form. The view made me sighed and my heart’s cringe. It still painful to look at him like this. I wonder how I could still feel the pain. And I wonder if it will be less painful if I saw him all smile and health.

Being at such a close distance to him was enough to make the insanity inside me went wild and broke the chain that I set up to trap it. It broke free and as weak as I am, I submissive under it desires. I slowly brought my hand to touch Mir’s, lightly held it. I closed my eyes when the warm engulfed me. The warm that radiated from his hand worked as a cure, a drug to my personal sickness.

“Hi,” I whispered, opened my eyes to watch his sleeping face. “It’s all settle now. I’m going to leave.”

It’s insane and stupid to talk to a sleeping man, I know but what’s so new about it? I also know I can’t say it to him directly. At least I could bid him my goodbye now. My last goodbye, I can, right? Just this once.

“I can’t leave now, but I promise I’ll leave the next two days. It’s when you ready to discharge from here.  I need to know you are in a good condition first.” My free hand wandered to move his lock, barely grazing his skin. “I want to leave with a good memory. I want to see you and hear your voice. I want to be with you with the rest time I have.”

When a droplet fell to Mir’s hand, I realized I’m crying. It’s hurt. I can’t bear the pain. I can’t be strong any longer. It’s hard to be here with him, but it’s harder not to see him. I can’t control tears that kept forming. “A little bit more,” I whispered shakily. “Please, let me be selfish and bear with me just a little bit more.”

 I let go of his hand when his eyelid’s flutter. In the next second his eyes opened and stared hazily right into mine. I lifted my head down, avoid him from seeing my teary eyes. I can felt him stared at me and we fell silent for a while. I tried to control my erratic breath. Once it became even, I forced myself to speak.

“Hi,” I repeated. “Am I wake you up? I’m sorry.”

Mir still bored his eyes on me quietly. Once again I can felt control slipped between my fingers. No, I reminded myself, tightened the chain around the sickness. Not now. “Something got into my eyes,” I excused and harshly rub my eyes, erased any trace of tears.

Once I’m sure, I lifted my head to meet his eyes and forced a smile to my lips. “How are you today?”

He didn’t answer me. He just looked at me intensely, searched for something that I can’t pinpoint. His strong glance made me feel insecure and vulnerable. I feel weak and exposed, but I can’t let him to see this monster inside me. I averted my eyes from his and darted to the full tray I saw earlier.

“Don’t you hungry? It’s already late,” I spoke, carefully laid my eyes back to him. “Would you like to eat now?”

Mir watched me for a few more minute before finally nodded his head. I smiled and stood to adjust his bed so he’s in seat position. I picked the tray and placed it on his lap.

“It’s already cold,” I said while opened the plastic lid. “Do you want to re-heat them?”

“It’s fine,” he answered, picked up the utensil. Once he started to put some food into his mouth, I walked around to busy myself. I’m not look at him, knowing he might be uncomfortable with it. I wondered whether I should just wait outside. For the past months he seemed very disturbed to eat with me in the same room. But I didn’t think I have the strength to leave and he still eat his food, so I tried to be calm and focused myself over something else.

“Are you done?” I asked, turned to look at him when the sound stopped. He drank the water down and nodded again. I came over to retrieve the tray and put it back on the table. I smiled again when saw some of the plate is now empty.

“You need to eat a lot.” I said with a small voice, much to myself, but he heard it. He looked at me for a while before averted his eyes and ignored me.

I sat at the chair next to his bed and we stayed there. None of us utter a word. He didn’t look at me again but I felt content just being with close to him. I feel at peace. It made my eyes feel heavy and after a long time, I finally feel sleepy.

I will fall asleep if the nurse doesn’t come. He inject Mir’s medicine to the IV, picked the tray and left us again. The only sound in the room is coming from the TV. Mir bored his eyes to the TV while I drifted my eyes from TV to him continuously. If it up to myself, I’d just watch him, but I thought it might be scared him.

After an hour or so, Mir shifted from his position and I know he started to feel sleepy and tired as well. I adjust the bed back so he now laying. I turned the volume’s down. Without the TV to distract us, things became awkward again. He turned so his back faced me. I smiled sadly when I realized how tense his body.

Brought my hands to his back, I gently massage him. Under my touch, his body became stiff. “Last time it makes you relax and fall asleep,” I told him softly, applied a little pressure to the sore flesh. “I won’t do anything stupid, I promise. I’ll just stay here like yesterday,” I pled, desperately tried to make him relax.

It needs an agonizing minutes for him to finally get used to my presence and became relax under my touch. He didn’t asleep yet after the next fifteen minutes so I stopped. Like previous night I tidied the blanket around him. Then I walked to seat on the couch instead of the chair I sat earlier. The couch is farther to his bed. He needed to be sure that I won’t hurt him and if he can’t be when I’m at that close distant, I’ll back off.

“Goodnight,” I wished him.

Written By : Honey June

dun dun dunnnn~~

the end is coming soon. it's refreshing to write a short story. 

is it only me or MBLAQ is really lost lot of fans? It's sad, please show them much more love. ^^

have a good day!