Standing in front of the door, all I could think of is why I should’ve kissed him? If the reality isn’t that cruel, I might be laugh at where I stupidly bring myself. But no, I lost any power I have to laugh. Besides he doesn’t laugh anymore and it’s because of me, so tell me, how can I laugh again?

Sighing, my eyes landed on the bouquet in my hand. I saw a beautiful mixture of red tulips and bright yellow sunflowers tied with a silver blue ribbon. In the middle laid a simple white card and the words ‘get healthy soon’ written neatly on the middle. The florist lady kindly wrote that for me.

Red tulips mean strong love and passion while the sunflowers mean pure love and kindness, she says back then.

Well it will need more than a million red tulips to measure how strong my love then. I don’t even know if I could call it ‘love’. It’s a sickness. It turns me into a sadistic that hurt everyone around me. Or maybe I just an egoistic .

Peeking through a small window at the side door, I can saw Mir, smiling with his best friends Jinwoon and Nicole. My heart becomes lighten to see the small smile that craved his lips. How long since the last time I saw it? Three months? Three months that feels like I’m trapped in my personal hell.

It’s not like I could blame anyone. It’s all my fault. I’m the one who kissed him on a couch in the living room at MBLAQ’s dorm. I’m the one who abruptly pulled him to my direction and crash our lips together right after he chatted animatedly about his crush who turn out as our leader, Seungho.

I always feels something die inside of me whenever Mir talks about the leader. Seeing his face glows with happiness and smile that never leave his lips crush me. It shatters me when Seungho freely touches Mir, ruffle his hair, and pulls him into an embrace. It twisted my heart when Mir lightly peck Seungho’s cheek, yet I still stay beside him, forcing a smile pass my lips when Mir excitedly talk about it.

All are constant reminder that Mir’s actually far away from my reach. This enormous feeling won’t bring me anywhere. When he laughed at how caring Seungho that very night, I can’t help but tried to capture those laugh. Ignore every sense, every rational thought, and the powerful scream inside me that reminded me once I lay my hand on Mir, once I show him a glimpse of this insanity, I’ll lose him.

I always thought I could handle this feeling. I’ve bear it since I could remember. I thought I use to it, to bear all this crazy love and hide it far away inside. I have no idea I will kiss him at the random night and lose control over this feeling. I saw his fear and confuse once I pulled away. Fate must be hate me, since Seungho decided to walk in and saw all that happened. I still remember how Mir immediately rose from his seat and called for Seungho, after sent me that horrible rage and disgust look. Not that I don’t deserve it.

After that night, Seungho distanced himself from Mir. I supposed to be happy with the turn out, but I’m not. Not when I could see Mir’s dying inside. I know the sorrow, the agony, and the pain that I’ve felt for years, since the first time I met him. I don’t wish anyone, especially Mir, to go under such pain. He cries over Seungho every night just the way I cry over him in my sleepless night. When Seungho decided to move out from the dorm, leaving only Mir and G.O, he stopped to eat and lock himself in his room.

I’m broken to see how hurt he is and I’m shatter into nothing knowing I’m the one who did this to him. I know no matter what I do, I can’t be forgiven, but I keep trying. I’m not try to make me forgive me, I try to cheer him, to at least plead him to eat and get out of his room. He lock himself for almost a month, with me in front of his door every night, singing, calling him out, cry with him, or just stay there silently.

When he finally step out of his room, joy and relief wash over me. He’s broken, but he found a will to rise up again. He’s strong. Stronger than me and much stronger than anyone I know. However, the first sentence he said when he looked at me was;

I don’t want to see your face ever again.

Those cold eyes, monotone voice, and a shiver that crept on his body embedded in my mind and became my worst nightmare. G.O gasped at Mir’s impolite and hatred sentence toward me, who’s older than him. I stop him from scolding Mir. After what I’ve done, it’s just normal for him to loath me.  I won’t forgive myself either, I can’t.

Thus how I try my best to stay away from him. It kills me, till I can’t feel anymore. I can’t feel anything except the sorrow that rip my heart. I don’t remember what it feels to have a decent sleep in the night. I forget I ever dream a good dream. Still, I try to stay away. After all I’ve done, at least I could try to grant his wish.

It’s hard to stay away from someone that shares a same group and mostly do all the activity together. I need to constantly remember not to look at him straight in the eyes, not to look at him at all. Whether it’s on stage, variety, or practice room, I stand the furthest from him. Unless that we need to perform next to each other or pull out an act for the variety, we are practically stranger.

I’m not that good at doing my job. I found myself steal glimpse of him anytime I can, carefully not to make him notice. He drown himself in his job. If we don’t have a schedule then he will practice at the dancing room until midnight. He even arrange our stage clothes along with our manager and hair dresser who can’t reject him.

This makes me worried. Every time I’m able to steal a glance over, Mir’s pale and tired. He lost a lot of weight. When manager along with the rest members, except Seungho and me questioning him about it, he lied and said he’s on excessive diet. I never see him eat. When we have to eat together at the practice room, he refused and said he’s full or already eat, which I know he’s not. After several days I realize that maybe he’s uncomfortable to eat with me. Maybe it’s too hard for him to seat around the same table with me.

Therefore, once at our lunch time, before he could said anything, I excuse myself and get out of the room. I’m waiting in front of the room, hoping he would touch his lunch. He didn’t. I didn’t know what I can do for him at that time. I thought he might be sick, so I buy some medicine and put it secretly at the dorm. He didn’t use it. I buy his favorite food and hand it over to G.O, so they could eat it together. He didn’t.

Soon, this habit takes a toll of Mir’s body. Two days ago, G.O called and told me Mir ended up in the hospital from a severe back pain and malnutrition. At the same day, I forget all about my promise to stay away from him except for the job and run all the way to this hospital. Stood at the same spot I’m standing now, I heard his whimper, his face scrunched up in pain and tears slipped to his cheek. I thought I’ve became numb from the pain, but the pain that I felt when I saw him that time almost force me to kneel down.

I can’t help from think that it’s wrong. It’s all wrong. It’s okay if he hates me, it’s okay if he doesn’t want to see me ever again, and it’s okay if I have to feel the same pain from longing over him. But he isn’t supposed to be hurt. He can’t be. There’s no way such a pure and beautiful person like Mir has to feel such a pain.

 I forget all about the schedule, forget the fact that I was in the middle of shooting when I waited for him. All the members came and we are all waiting for doctor to calm Mir down and ease his pain. Manager also came, worried over Mir and scolded me at the same time.

“Do you know what are you doing? Do you know you could be severely punish for run in the middle of filming? It can be considered as breaking contract!”

Agency had a hard time because of that, but I couldn’t care less. Mir is the only one I could thought of. Once he was better and everybody allowed to get in, the tight knot in my heart slowly fading and I finally able to breath normally.

I monitored his every move, every expression, and gesture over the small window at his door. Whatever the doctor gave him stared to kick in and he’s no longer crying. He still looked so vulnerable and small. It needs every ounce of my body not to run to him and embrace him with this own hands, like I saw the rest of members and manager did. Until now my palms still have the crescent marks from nails that I stabbed there from prevent myself to his face, checking him with my own eyes and touch.

The sudden ringing from my pocket broke all my thought away and I realized I’ve had standing outside the door of Mir’s hospital room for over half hour now, with the same position since I’ve arrived. I retrieved my phone quickly, afraid I would drew their attention on me.

“Hello?”

“Joon, where are you?” I recognized that warm voice, G.O over the phone.

“I’m at the hospital hyung.”

“Why don’t you tell me you’re going to visit Mir? We can go together,” he said, almost nagged.

Well, that’s because then G.O will try to make me enter the room, like two days ago. He means well but I know better. It’s no helping the patient when they need to see the person they hate to death, isn’t it? Mir certainly doesn’t need any other stress I cause.

“Uh, I’m just stay for a while. Beside Mir has his friends come over.”

“Alright, then I’ll go tomorrow instead. Come to the dorm on your way home, let’s eat together. I don’t want another member goes to hospital.”

I hummed and ended the call. Once again I peeked through the small window and saw the boy surrounded by Nicole and Jinwoon. Nicole gave him a piece of apple which he received and ate slowly. I feel a strange sensation when my lips slowly formed a small smile. He looks almost fine. Friends are what he needs now. A bright side about him being hospitalize is his relation with Seungho slowly get better after the incident three months ago. They started to talk again the last time Seungho visited.

 Things slowly get better and Mir’s surrounded by people he loved. There’s no place for me here. I bended and put the bouquet at the floor right in front of the door, wishing those flowers could cheer him up when he sees them.

“You need to be healthy soon so you can kick me out from your life,” I murmured, much to myself before stole the last glance and walked away. I stuffed my hands into the pockets of my coat, seeking a shelter from the cold that washed over my body.

“Joon hyung?”

I lifted my head when I heard someone’s called me. I met Mir’s other friends, Shinee’s Key, and FT Island’s Jaejin and Seunghyun. They stood just a few meter than me, on their way to go to Mir’s room.

“Ah hyung, annyeong,” Jaejin politely greeted when they closed the gap between us. “We were about going to visit Mir. How’s he?”

I smiled and greeted them back. “He’s starting to get better. Just come inside, he must be happy to see you guys.”

“You’ve done visit him hyung?” Seunghyun innocently asked that I found myself can’t answer.

“What a beautiful flowers,” Key finally break the silence. He walked pass me and picked the bouquet from the ground. He looked at those flowers intensely before pushing it back to my hands. “Why you put it there? You should give this to him directly hyung.”

Because then the flowers won’t be able to cheer him anymore.

“That kid will happy to receive such flowers,” that feline eyes kid added as if he could read my mind.

“If there’s no thing or person we wait how it sounds to enter now?” Seunghyun said and walked− most likely jumping over, and opened the door.

The next thing I know, two pairs of hands dragged me along the opened door. Mir drifted his attention toward us when he heard the sound of door being open. He smiled his captivated smile when he saw his other best friends pay him a visit. However his smile faltered when he saw me. Immediately, I lower my gaze and looked at my own feet. He’s not supposed to see me and I can’t look at him, knowing those cold eyes will break a tiny piece I have left.

“Cheolyongie!” Key cutely called his friend and went to his side to give him a bear hug.

“Oh, we can use that face,” Jaejin said next to me. He walked and retrieved the empty vase by the table. Key laughed.

“Ya, you should at least greet Mir first.”

The laugh that vanished before now return. Even Mir smiled and jutted out his bottom lip to Jaejin who animatedly bowed down.

“Shall we come in hyung?” Seunghyun asked and he showed me a big encouraging smile plastered on his face.

I know I shouldn’t do this. I know once I step in, I’m just going to break us even more. I do know, if I break up this time, I might be don’t have any strength left to gather myself altogether again. The word ‘hesitate’ is not strong enough to portray what I’m feeling right now. My mind screamed at me to turn around and walk away, but my body refused to move.

Then I feel it again. The insanity crawled under my skin, burn up everything that get on its way. That sickness clenched my heart, yearned for the certain boy across the room. It yearned for Mir ever so strongly that blind all my sense till all I could taste is the longing. Like a deadly storm, the sickness tore away any control I built, made a chaos inside me. It growled loudly, shut my mind and any rational off almost in an instant.

I’ve mention before I’m just a silly egoistic . Yeah I am, because I bring my feet to step inside the room and stay until Seunghyun closed the door behind us.

Written By : Honey June

So, the story is up! For some reason I'm nervous about this one. I change the way i write to use the first point of view instead, hoping you could feel the intensity of Joon's feeling better. but lots of you better than me at this, give me a suggestion and critic so i can improve, please. ^^

and the votes. you guys, i'm not even started yet (not that i complaint about it). You guys are amazing, as always. thank you for such a lovely comments too.

see you soon, love you all, really all.