“Kyungsoo? Are you okay?” Miss Keun had stopped scribbling and had her glasses dangling off her nose. The temperature in the room had dropped. I was shaking.

“Go away,” I said firmly.

“Kyungsoo. Take deep breaths. It's safe here okay? We're in my office so no one can-”

“I said go away,” I repeated.

“Inhale. Exhale.”

“Please just leave me alone.”

“Would you like a glass of water? Would that calm you down? Perhaps I'll call your mum in. Maybe that will help. Kyungsoo I'm going to call her now-”

“I SAID GO AWAY NOW GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!” I screamed.

Miss Keun shifted into her seat as she reached over to grab the box of tissues. She handed them to me but I shoved them away. Like I'd shoved Kai away. Those dead flowers...My body shook violently as I buried my head in my hands, only looking up to see the empty seat beside me.

And to think that all this drama had started that morning.

 

“I can't go to the mall today, Kai. I've got an appointment,” I whined, rubbing my arms vigorously with my hands.

It was a surprisingly pleasant day for winter, albeit that it was still one degree celsius. I hadn't bought a new jacket in ages so mine was really quite thin and torn at the sleeves.

Kai looked like a marshmallow with his puffy parka that 'his mum' had made him wear. Sometimes you have wonder to why people try to lie in the first place. You could easily tell he was not telling the truth. His face goes really red and he stutters. “Come on. I gotta go away for the holidays with my family. I won't see you for ages.” He widened his eyes pathetically like a puppy dog begging for food. Aegyo. I hate it.

“Doesn't bother me,” I snapped. “Besides, I still haven't forgiven you from last night.”

Kai blushed. “That was a spur of the moment decision,” he protested.

“Even more reason not to hang out with you.” I dug my heels into the footpath and stalked off down the road. I was determined to create a considerable distance between me and that idiot. Did he really have feelings for me? That was wrong wasn't it? Two boys. Mum was always saying she felt sorry for people who were born like that though I never really paid that much attention. Did that mean she felt sorry for me? Was I that pitiable? Were all those dates with those guys just ways to make myself feel loved? I sat down on the nearby wall.

“Hey, would you like me to drive you home? You don't look that well.” Kai placed a hand on my shoulder.

I jumped and shrugged it off. “No.” I glared at him. Why was he so nice to me? It didn't make sense since I was so horrible towards him. Even so, he made me feel something I hadn't felt before. I wouldn't call it love because I felt like moving away from him whenever it occurred...I didn't deserve him.

“Sure?”

“Yeah now shove off.”

“It's called being hospitable.”

“Do I look like I need your help?”

“...”

“I said-”

“I heard you the first time and yes, actually. You do.”

And that's what got me.

“I wish you'd just leave me alone,” I murmured.

“Why?” Kai tried his best to sit down though his coat restricted his arms from lying comfortably by his sides.

I stared at my feet. “Because one of these days you're just gonna realise how much of a sh*tty person I am and then you won't want to be around me anymore and I don't want that to happen. Everyone else I've been friends with have left me. They were the first ones to realise that I'm just not worth the effort. I don't even get why you're trying to make our friendship work.”

“But...you know that's not true.”

“Huh?”

“Some people just can't stand your pure awesomeness, ” Kai smiled. Then he monotoned, “you just can't cope with attachment that's all which is why you act so hostile. I've noticed that you're not actually that bad of a person. I mean, who cooks for their mum every night. No. Let me rephrase. What type of teenage boy cooks for their mum every night. Not many, my friend. You're special. Like me. We can't be special friends together. You know, my mum is only fifteen years older than me. Not much older aye? My dad stayed with her when she got pregnant because he wasn't such a sod to let her live as a single mum. I grew up with two parents. I'm such a lucky bugger, though I got bullied at school but I'm okay with that. I just bored them bullies away by reciting Jane Eyre...you're looking at me funny.”

“Jane Eyre? Who does that?”

“Me.”

“Right...”

“It's not that strange!”

“Right...”

“It works. It's full-proof.”

“Sure.”

“Shut up,” Kai joked. “But moving on. As you see I'm not a perfect guy. I might come across as being such (if I do say so myself), but it's just an act. To be truthful, I'm really quite superficial 'Soo. I try so hard to be nice to everyone even if they piss me off.”

“That doesn't make you superficial though.” I poked Kai's puffy arm. “It just makes you a nice person.”

He blinked at me. “I wish,” Kai chuckled. “All day it's cheery Jongin. All smiles. Bundles of cuteness and joy. Then when I get home I feel like I've been drained of all things rainbow and unicorn related. I feel so bad half the time. Mum works full time ever since Dad went to start working for the army and all I do is show her how ungrateful I am. I've never said thank-you 'Soo. Never in my entire life have I said thank you to her. Or bought her a present. Or flowers on mother's day. I'm such an ungrateful bastard (literally). So, would you like a drive home now?”

“No.”

“After all this heart-felt talking it's still a blatant no?”

“Yes.”

“Fine. But I'm taking you to a restaurant tonight after that damn appointment whether you like it or not.”

I shrugged. “Whatever suits you.”

And then I'd walked home.

§§§

 

Mum had a great day at work which she told me all about as we drove off to the psychologist. Her boss was considering giving her a raise. They'd had a morning tea to celebrate the retirement of a long time colleague so she'd had really nice food. Lamingtons were her favourite. Someone had brought those. I nodded and said the occasionally “mhmm” in confirmation that I was listening. But I wasn't really. My mind was drifting back home where my dream catcher lay safely in my wardrobe. I didn't even realise that we'd pulled up in the parking lot till Mum had to psychically drag me out of the car. She shook her head.

“What's up today Kyunggie?” Mum asked.

“Oh. I just-I just had a strange conversation with my friend.”

“That Kai fella you sometimes mention?”

“Yeah. Him.”

“What type of strange?”

“Well, we just talked about random stuff. He told me about his life. I told a little bit about mine. We consoled eachother and then I left.”

“He sounds nice. You should introduce me to him sometime.”

“Yeah...one day...” I agreed.

Miss Keun seemed in a particularly good mood that day so I could only assume that guy who was always before me hadn't turned up. I'd seen him on the news a few times for murders and such. The people who had to talk with those losers...I pity them.

She sat me down in my usual spot by the small heater in the corner and we started.

Mum had to leave for the hair-dresses.

We talked about school and how it was going. It was fine. Then Miss Keun went onto my social life. It was fine too. Have I been bullied recently? No. Have I made any new friends? Yes. Have I experienced any problems this week? I didn't tell her about the stolen kiss.

“So, your mum mentioned you've met this boy recently? Apparently (according to her) your mood has changed. You seem almost happier? Would you say that's correct?” Miss Keun said, completely out of the blue.

“Er...” I stammered. “Yeah. I guess.”

“No?”

“I mean, his name's Kai. We're friends. I might come across as acting differently because...I've never had a friend before...”

“Right...yes. You're gay aren't you?”

I winced. I was?

“You've ever only been in romantic relationships with boys. It might be a strange experience to just be friends with a person of the same gender. I see now.”

I hadn't thought about it that way before but I guess she was right.

“Your psychologist sure knows her stuff,” a familiar voice whispered in my ear.

I jumped.

Miss Keun raised an eyebrow.

“Kai, what the hell are you doing here? And how did you know the address anyway?” I demanded.

“Kyungsoo can you please refrain from getting distracted. In order for-”

“Just a minute,” I interrupted her and faced Kai.

He was leaning back in the spare seat with his arms tucked behind his head. His marshmallow suit had been replaced by a nicer looking coat that one might associate with Sherlock. Fashionable. Not my taste. “I thought I'd check on you. Just making sure this lady isn't making you uncomfortable.”

I glared apprehensively at him. “Get out!”

“She's making you uneasy isn't she? I can talk to her alone if you want. I don't want anything to happening to my 'Soo.” Kai smiled sweetly.

But I couldn't do this. Not anymore. I felt the same feeling that I'd tried to avoid for so long creeping up on me. I needed to run away and not look back and I needed to tell him to shove off because I couldn't- “I'm not your anything Kai! I'm so scared at the moment. I don't want this to happen again. You may try to be nice to me but it's not working. You're probably sick of me and doing this out of the 'goodness' of your heart and I don't need your sympathy. And you know what? You are superficial! So just get out please! I don't want this to happen again...I can't let this happen again.”

Miss Keun had risen from her seat in concern at my sudden outburst but I pushed her away when she came near me. “Kyungsoo-”

“Just let me help you 'Soo,” Kai said gently. “We don't have to be boyfriends or anything. Just hang out in the mall friends. Nothing more. Nothing less.”

No. This was exactly why I had to get away. “B-but y-you're not getting it, Kai! I hate to admit it but I think...never mind...you wouldn't get it.”

There was a deathly silence. So cold and still that I felt like I couldn't breathe. And then Kai let out a small laugh. It was a good-natured laugh so I knew he wasn't making fun of me but it did sound a bit incredulous. I blinked. Kai was standing up now. How had done that? And was it just me or was he going transparent? I blinked again.

“You can't possibly love me,” Kai said cheerily. He knelt down to my eye level and laughed again.

“And why not?” I replied hotly. He was the one to kiss me that night. He was the one who always insisted on visiting me against my will.

“Because, as you said. As I said. I'm superficial. I may be whoever you dreamed me up to be but if you peer closely enough I'm not really here.”

I frowned. “I don't-I don't understand.”

Then he disappeared. Just like that. And I broke down. Crying. Pathetically and eye-ballingly crying.

 

 

 

And when I got home I raced up my room and threw out that dream catcher because it's useless. Completely and utterly superficial.

 

 

 

 

FOREWORD: Sorry. No editing. If you find any mistakes, sorry. And if you're confused by the ending please comment. :D