I decided to turn in early, hoping to delay talking to Siwon.

I used the heat as an excuse and told everyone I’m tired as I said my goodnights. Then, I lay awake for hours, hearing the activity outside eventually die down as everyone drifted off to bed.

I thought about everything that has happened since I met Siwon, I even looked back at who I was when I was with Andy. In the end, I came to a conclusion.

I was just falling asleep when I heard my bedroom door open.

Before I can even move, he was sitting on the bed beside me.

Siwon: (~Speaking in a whisper~) You’re awake, right?

Me: Yes. What are you doing here? The others…

Siwon: Let’s stop pretending that they don’t know that there’s something going on between us, Rain.

Me: Are you drunk again?

Siwon: No. I tried that for a few days, and all it did was give me an ulcer and made the days longer. You were gone for a week and to me, it felt like a lifetime. Heechul hyung told me where you were…and it was tearing me apart that you were here with him…even though Leeteuk hyung was with you. When Leeteuk returned and you weren’t with him…

Me: Donghae was sick, I couldn’t let him travel or leave him alone.

Siwon: I know. Leeteuk told me…still, I wanted to kill him for leaving the two of you alone.

Me: He didn’t have a choice.

Siwon: I know that! I know that what you’re saying makes perfect sense. Heechul hyung told me a while ago that your phone  broke down and you got so busy with work that you were unable to call…in the back of my mind, it all makes perfect sense…

He was squeezing my hand so tightly it was painful, but nothing can compare to the pain in my chest when I saw the tears in his eyes.

Siwon: But in my heart, all I feel is this ache…like I’m slowly but surely losing you. I told myself that I shouldn’t have moved in so quickly, that I should give you more time, but knowing that Donghae is here with you…

Me: Siwon, I’m so sorry…it’s all my fault.

Siwon: I just love you so much it hurts, and I know Donghae loves you too…I can feel it, why wouldn’t he? What’s not to love? And I know you have some feelings for him, you can’t deny it. I can see it in your eyes when you look at him.

Me: Why does it have to be you…and why of all people did you have to fall for me? My life is so ed up, I don’t even know if I’m capable of truly loving someone! (~I held his face in my hands~) Siwon, you are the most loving, giving person I know, but I turned you into this monster who’ll fight anyone just to get what he wants…I’m no good for you!

Siwon: No! You are good for me…you took me out of my shell and showed me what I can be!

Me: I turned you into a drunk. A drunk who started hating his brother. I’m a curse, Siwon. I turn men into ugly creatures. Eventually, I’ll turn you and Hae against each other. You just want me now because it’s new and exciting, but you’ll hate me someday.

Siwon: I’m not letting you go.

Me: And that’s precisely why you should. Look back and try to remember who you were before I entered your life. You were a generous man, you always gave more than you took, knowing you’ve been blessed more than the others, you always shared with them. You took pride in the quality of your work. And now, you couldn’t even bear to share my time with them, trying to keep me to yourself, letting your work suffer…tell me, what good thing have I done for you?

Siwon: I love you.

Me: And I love you. But we do not live alone in an island. We live among other people who love us, but are suffering because of us.

Siwon: What are you saying?

By now, we were both crying so hard, I can barely see him in the dim light and through my tears.

Me: Learn to let me go, Siwon. And I’ll learn to let you go.

Siwon: I can’t! No!

Me: Listen to me! We need to do this if we want to have a chance. Learn to let me go and who knows…eventually, maybe I’ll learn to go back to you.

Siwon: What’s my guarantee that I’ll have you back? I can endure it..I promise to endure it, but tell me when I can have you back…

Me: I can’t. I told you, I ed up my life so badly, I need a lot of time. So do you.

Siwon: (~Turns away from me~)I don’t know…I don’t think I can bear it.

Me: (~Pulling him back~) Hey, do you think you’re the only one taking a risk here? I’m taking a risk, too…what if when I do decide to go back to you, you no longer want me?

Siwon: That’s not going to happen.

Me: Don’t make that promise, Siwon. Live your life while I’m away…

Siwon: How will I know that you’re…

Me: I will make you one promise: No matter what happens, we will close this chapter in our lives. I will let you know I’m okay, whether you still want me back or not, you will hear from me one day…

Siwon: Rain, I don’t think I have the strength…

Me: You do, trust me. We’ll get through this, okay? Please?

Siwon: Can I stay here and hold you…?

Me: (~Giving him a smile~) Even condemned men have their last meal, why shouldn’t we?

And so, we lay there on my bed and held on to each other for the longest time…which eventually led to the most bittersweet lovemaking I have ever had. It erased all the bitterness of the previous encounter, but knowing that this may be the last time in a long while, maybe the last time ever, we both had tears in our eyes.

At dawn, I left. Not even bothering to pack my bags.