How hard is it to break up with a man?

Honestly, it’s not that hard, I’ve done it countless of times in my misspent youth.

Even with Andy, although it was very difficult to shake him off, when I finally decided that I want out, I had no second thoughts in my head.

But that night…the night when I told Siwon everything, when I admitted that, at the back of my mind, I knew I was going to be his downfall…it was the most painful night of my life. I’ve been going over and over that conversation, trying to figure out if there was a loophole, if I said anything that would indicate that I’ll be gone for only a few days…and to be honest, there was none.

I said goodbye. With my words. And my actions.

With my heart.

And I meant it.

I left without any word to anybody else. The practical and legal aspects of my departure from SME somehow miraculously took care of itself. Before I closed my e-mail account, I even found a letter, both from Mr. Han and Missy. They both say basically the same thing: They are sorry that I had to leave so suddenly because of a personal emergency but, should I decide to return, all I had to do was contact them.

Now that was beyond unreal.

I am not sure who took care of it, but at the moment, it was not my main concern.

All I wanted was to get away. Think. Get my act together. And go on with my life.

Whether it was with Siwon or not, I still didn’t know. All I know is that I can never go back to him, while I can still only think of myself. I love him too much to subject him to my selfishness.

After I left the hotel, I checked myself into another hotel on the other side of town and spent the next few days in silence. Not even bothering to think. I just wanted to wait him out, in case he was still  trying to get hold of me.

After a week, I went to Dianne’s. No phone call, no message ahead that I was coming. I just showed up at her door.

Me: Unnie…

Dianne: (*Opening the door and ushering me inside with a really fierce hug*) Where on Earth have you been? I was so worried!

Me: I left him.

Dianne: I know. He called.

Me: Huh? How…why…?

Dianne: He said he got the number from that other guy, Leeteuk, who got it from Jorge.  He just wanted to make sure that you’re safe.

Me: Unnie…

Dianne: (*Smiling her motherly smile. She knows me so well and anticipates what I want*) I told him I will see to it that you’re safe, but that I will never contact him about you unless you said so. He was angry at first, but he seems to have gotten my point.

Me: Thank you.

Dianne got me settled in the guest room before even trying to find out exactly what happened.

Dianne: He’s so different from Andy.

Me: I know.

Dianne: Then…?

Me: Why am I such a curse to men, unnie? I’m not even beautiful, yet I turn them to such horrible creatures. I could’ve ruined Siwon’s carreer.

Dianne: That’s just it. You don’t see how beautiful you are, that’s why you’re so dangerous both to yourself and to others.

Me: But, unnie, I’m NOT. I’m so ordinary.

Dianne: I’m not talking about your physical appearance. It’s that light in your eyes. When you smile, it’s like a beacon. Nobody can resist what you want. You make people do as you wish and end things up in a burnout, because they’re so into you, when in fact, you’re not into them at all.

Me:  I don’t understand…

Dianne: Take Andy for instance. I have no doubt he’s a total , but the reason why he got so obsessed with you was because he thought you belonged to him. You made him feel like you belonged to him. When you get into a relationship, you give it your all…for a brief moment, you lose your own identity and become an extension of somebody else. Then, you wake up and decide to cut it off. And they’re left hanging, like you cut off their oxygen supply.

Me: Did I do that to Siwon?

Dianne: If you treated him the way I saw you treat Donghae, you probably did. Maybe more so.

Me: Why am I like this?

Dianne: You know why. You’re afraid of being abandoned. So, you lure them in. And then you abandon them instead.

Me: I hate myself.

Dianne: You have so much love in you! You give so much to me, to Jorge, to Janine..you just need to learn how to give it to him.

Me: What’s the guarantee that I can?

Dianne: You explained things to him before you left, didn’t you? That’s something you never did before. That tells me you’re willing to change for him.

Me: But how…?

Dianne: You know how. It’s not easy and it’s probably going to take a long time. But you know what the first step is. I actually thought you were going to do it when you went to Seoul before.

Me: Ahhhh..I got distracted.

Dianne: Then isn’t it about time you un-distract yourself and get on with it?

So, I stayed at Dianne’s for a couple of weeks. She fed me, sheltered me, and never said a word to nag me.

On the first day of my third week there, she gave me an envelope.

Dianne: You’ve rested enough. Time to face your dragons and slay them.

Me: I’m not planning to quarrel…

Dianne: The dragons are inside you, he’s just a mirror for you to see them.

Me: Thanks, unnie.

And two days later, I was, again at Incheon Airport.

I was there to see my father.                            

Sorry, friends, your idols aren't on this chapter. This is just a story that needs to be told. We'll be back to the romance real soon!    

Much love!