Tiffany turns around at the door. There are shadow thrown over her face, casting the hollows under her eyes and the planes of her cheekbones into sharp relief. Her eyes are darker than the shadows, but there’s a hint of light in them.

“What is it?” she asks quietly.

Jessica looks at her, feeling helpless with yearning, burdened with love. She wants to look away from Tiffany. She wants to look at her forever.

“Jessi?” Tiffany asks, worry slipping into her voice, and the familiar nickname almost undoes her.

“Tiffany—” She almost blurts it out right then and there: how much she loves Tiffany, how hard she tried to stop, and how completely she failed. How terrified she is of losing her, because she needs Tiffany, and maybe she can do without Tiffany’s love, but she can’t do without her friendship.

Tiffany closes the distance between them in a few steps, and then she’s right beside Jessica, close enough to touch but not to reach. Not to have.

“If you don’t want to be alone, I’ll stay with you,” Tiffany says. “It’ll be like last night, but without the storm.”

No, Tiffany’s wrong. There is a storm, just not the kind with thunder and lightning. Jessica feels it brewing inside her.

“I don’t want to be alone,” she admits, “but I think it would be good for me. After all, I’ll be alone tomorrow and for who knows how long after that.”

Tiffany looks worried again. “Jessi…”

“I’ll be fine,” Jessica says with so much conviction she almost believes herself. “You know I’ve been wanting some time off anyway. This is like—a vacation.”

Tiffany doesn’t look convinced. “A vacation.”

“Yeah, I’ll get to spend some quality time with my bed. And my phone.”

“Some more sleep would be good for you. You’ve looked so tired lately.”

“Didn’t you tell me last week that I sleep like a sloth?”

Tiffany smiles. “Sloths are cute.”

Don’t, Jessica thinks. Don’t do this to me. Don’t make me feel like I have a chance.

“You look deep in thought,” Tiffany says curiously. “What are you thinking about?”

Jessica puts up a smile, even though she knows it won’t fool Tiffany. She knows her too well for that. “You know, this and that,” she says lightly.

“Right.”

They sit in silence for a while, not exactly awkward but not exactly comfortable either. Jessica feels like she’s changed more than just physically. It’s as if the armour she’s been constructing around herself for years is crumbling, piece by piece, minute by minute, and she’s terrified of what will be revealed when it’s completely dismantled.

“Tiffany…”

Tiffany looks at her, eyes bright and expectant. “Yeah?”

Jessica clears . She didn’t really have anything to say; she just felt like she should say something. Otherwise, Tiffany will probably leave, and... Jessica wants Tiffany here, beside her, close to her. As much as it hurts to be with her, it hurts more to be without her.

“I meant what I said earlier.” Jessica clears . “I appreciate you willing to give up your room for me.”

“But you prefer Juhyun’s room.”

“It’s not a competition, you know.” She hesitates and tries to think of a reason. “Juhyun’s room is—neater.”

Tiffany’s brow furrows. “Is that why you picked hers?”

“You really want me to pick yours, huh?”

Tiffany blinks slowly and lowers her eyes. “I want you to pick me,” she says in a small voice. Jessica’s heart stutters and almost stops for a moment.

“You know I would,” she blurts out. “It’s not a competition, because I would pick you. Every time.”

Tiffany’s smile makes the rest of the world fade away and become blurry, indistinguishable figures in Jessica’s peripheral vision, because her smile is the only thing worth looking at.

“I didn’t want to put you out,” Jessica says lamely. “Your room is—yours.”

“I wouldn’t be put out because it’s you.”

“I’m special?” Jessica asks hopefully, wondering why she does this to herself, why she subjects herself to this beautiful torture. Maybe she’s a masochist; maybe it comes with being an addict.

Tiffany’s face softens. “The most special,” she tells Jessica, who soaks up the warmth in her voice and face, feeling like she’s bathing in sunshine.

Juhyun picks up her Keroro doll from beside her pillow and holds it to herself, looking very much like a child. She’s so mature and level-headed that sometimes Jessica forgets how young she really is.

“Are you going to be okay, unnie?” she asks softly, her eyes full of concern.

Jessica doesn’t like to lie, including white lies, but in this case she sees no other option. “Yeah, I will be, when this all blows over,” she echoes Sooyoung’s words but not quite her bravado.

Juhyun doesn’t look convinced, but she doesn’t push Jessica either. “If you need anything, you can – I’m here for you.”

Jessica gives a soft smile. “Thanks, Juhyunnie.” She hesitates. “Why are you being so—normal?”

“Normal?” Juhyun repeats.

“Yeah, you’re the only one who hasn’t been weird about this.”

“I don’t know.” Juhyun shrugs. “When I look at you, I still see you. You’re still Jessica unnie.”

“Still your favourite unnie, right?”

Juhyun smiles, looking on the verge of a laugh.

A loud, cheerful voice comes from the door. A voice that makes Jessica’s relaxed muscles seize up. “Hey, we all know that I’m her favourite unnie.”

Jessica snorts. “You wish,” she says, as Tiffany pushes open the mostly closed door (Jessica pointedly left a wide crack) and walks in. She’s wearing a loose pink shirt and pyjama pants with little hearts all over them, her hair still slightly damp, curling along her collarbones. Jessica swallows, hard, at the picture she makes.

Tiffany is all smiles. “It’s the truth.” She turns to Juhyun. “I’m your favourite, right Juhyunnie?”

“You all mean a lot to me, unnie,” Juhyun says diplomatically.

“She’s too nice to say it,” Tiffany stage whispers to Jessica, “but that means ‘yes.’”

Tiffany’s shirt is so light and thin (it’s one of her favourites and she’s washed it so many times that it looks as soft as tissue paper) that Jessica can practically see through it. She’s trying not to, trying to keep her eyes away from Tiffany, but it’s like attempting to fight gravity.

“You’re my favourite,” comes out of Jessica’s mouth even though she had no intention of saying it. She has no words for Tiffany’s smile. She wonders why she even bothers to fight such a losing battle.

“I know,” Tiffany says brightly. “You’re my favourite too, Jessi.”

Jessica lowers her head and keeps her eyes on the floor, away from Tiffany. It takes a strenuous amount of effort. If Taeyeon can see that she’s staring at Tiffany all the time, then it must be obvious. She doesn’t know how Tiffany doesn’t see it, but she wants to keep it that way.

Juhyun clears . “Unnie, I forgot to ask you earlier...”

Jessica raises her head a fraction. “Ask me what?”

“It’s about tomorrow – the performance.” Juhyun pauses. “How are—”

“I’m staying here.” Jessica can’t quite keep the bitterness out of her voice. “Obviously.” Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Tiffany lift her arm, like she wants to reach for Jessica, and drop it again. She misses the touch she never felt.

“We’ve never practiced without you.”

“You’ll learn,” she says flatly. “You’ll have to perform without me for—however long this lasts.”

“Unnie...” And there it is: the pity. Jessica doesn’t know what bothers her more, the awkwardness or the pity.

There’s pity in Tiffany’s eyes too, but it’s drowned out by the concern. “It won’t be very long.” Jessica wonders if she’s trying to convince Jessica or herself.

“It really is late.” Jessica’s voice sounds thicker than she would like. “You guys should go to bed. Tomorrow is going to be a long day for you.”

“What about you?” Tiffany asks. “What will you do?”

“I’m sure I can figure something out. I’m not a kid, you know.”

Tiffany tugs her bottom lip into , her eyes especially dark in the dim light. “I know,” she says, and – has her voice always been this husky?

Jessica swallows again. “Good night,” she says hastily, climbing into bed and tugging the blankets over herself like a shield. (It’s a futile defence; she’s never been able to protect herself from her feelings.)

“Good night, unnie,” Juhyun says gently. “I hope you sleep well.”

Jessica feels bad again for driving Juhyun out of her room, but before she can say so, Juhyun puts her Keroro doll back on the bed, by her pillow. “It helps me sleep,” she says. “Maybe it’ll help you too.”

Jessica is very touched. She usually never has problems sleeping, but tonight is likely to be an exception. If it was possible, she would have liked to room with one of them, but...

“You should take it,” she tells Juhyun. “What if you can’t sleep?”

“I’ll be fine. I have Sooyoung unnie.” Juhyun lingers by Jessica’s bedside, looking like she wants to say something, but with a glance at Tiffany, she steps back. “Good night, unnie,” she says again, this time to both of them, and walks out the door, leaving Jessica and Tiffany alone.

“Her room is very neat,” Tiffany says conversationally. “Practically military-grade.”

Jessica is acutely aware that she’s on a bed and Tiffany is only a few feet away. It wouldn’t take much to tug her onto it.

“Jessi?”

“Well, it’s maknae.” Jessica grabs two fistfuls of the blanket to keep her hands occupied. “You’ve roomed with her before; you know what she’s like.”

“She was always studying back then, so she was a little messier.” Tiffany sounds wistful, and Jessica knows the feeling. Only a few years ago, they were still fighting tooth and nail for everything, to prove their antis wrong and break through the hate that seemed to pour at them from every direction. Now she’s familiar with the weight of a trophy, with record-breaking numbers, with being at the top of the ladder. Now it’s easier. Now it’s harder.

“Still neater than me any day,” Jessica says lightly.

Tiffany laughs. “You and Sooyoung shouldn’t be allowed to room together. One of you already throws enough clothes around to cover the floor. Your room looks like a battlefield.”

“Well, we’re both messy, so we can’t really complain to each other about the mess. It probably works out better that way.” Jessica picks up the frog plush Juhyun left her and idly fiddles with it. “It’s really late, you know. Jooyoung oppa is going to kill me for keeping you up.”

“He doesn’t have to know.”

“Tiffany,” Jessica says quietly, her voice somehow steady even as Tiffany’s words drive a sharp spike of longing into her chest. “You should go.”

“You want me to leave?” Tiffany sounds like she’s trying to conceal the hurt in her voice, but she’s not doing a very good job.

Jessica bites the inside of her cheek. “I’m tired.”

Tiffany’s face softens. “Sorry, I-I didn’t mean to bother you.”

“You’re not bothering me.” Jessica almost laughs at the notion. She doesn’t want Tiffany to leave. She wants Tiffany to stay here, or better yet, join her on the bed. She wants to see if Tiffany’s shirt is as soft as it looks, if her skin is as soft as it looks, if her lips—

God, she’s going to need a cold shower at this rate. She’s just grateful she’s covered by the blanket.

“I like talking to you,” Tiffany says. “I feel like we haven’t really talked in a while.”

Jessica makes a non-committal sound. They’ve been busy lately with their comeback, and she feels like their activities are taking more of a toll on her than they usually do. She’s been sleeping and eating less, and she can feel her defences slipping. She knows the fans have been saying that she looks tired, despite how hard she’s tried not to let them see it. If only they knew how tired she really was, in how many aspects of her life.

Tiffany looks at her for a long moment, silently and thoughtfully. Jessica wishes that she had enough hair to hide behind.

“It’s weird,” Tiffany says suddenly. “I feel like the longer I look at you, the more you look like—yourself.”

“Maybe you should keep looking at me then,” Jessica says without thinking. “If you look long enough, maybe I really will turn back into myself.”

Tiffany looks pensive, like she’s seriously considering the idea. “Wouldn’t it be weird for you to see me staring at you all the time?”

Well, I stare at you all the time, and you don’t seem to have noticed yet. Jessica’s mouth is faster than her brain again. “I don’t mind being stared at if it’s you.”

Tiffany’s smile is bright and—pleased, almost, as if she likes the sound of that. Then her eyes land on Juhyun’s alarm clock and widen. “Oh wow, it really is late. I don’t feel tired at all.”

Jessica doesn’t feel tired either, but then again, Tiffany has always energized her.

“I should go,” Tiffany says, sounding apologetic.

“Yeah.” Jessica clenches her hands into fists, nails digging into her palms. “Good night.”

“Good night, Jessi,” Tiffany says softly. “Get a lot of rest, and eat well tomorrow.”

She says a quiet “yeah,” and Tiffany gives her a soft smile before leaving, closing the door quietly behind her.

Jessica doesn’t fall asleep for a long time. She stares at the ceiling and wishes that she could see the stars, especially of the shooting kind.