"I...I hope you can forgive me for being so selfish."

*  *  *

Jonghyun suddenly paused. His lips freeze as his rational side started to seep in.

Noticing the change, Minho hesitantly pulled away from Jonghyun. Jonghyun stared at Minho, eyes wide as his friend just looked generally… confused?

“Uh…” Jonghyun croaked out of his throat in embarrassment. He glanced down at Minho’s hands then his own. They were two people--so different, but much the same. Different in the fact that Minho was straight and would never feel anything towards him. Jonghyun was gay. He was gay as hell--a bit ashamed of it if he were to be completely honest with himself--and his heart yearned for someone. That someone being his heteroual friend Minho.

But they are much the same, Jonghyun concluded as he scanned Minho’s face for any sign of hate or repulsion. They were both human--both capable of emotion. They understood the element of love and adoration to some degree, but also understood the concept of hating others. And so far, Minho just seemed generally confused.

“Yeah… Um… I- Maybe… Actually I-” Jonghyun stuttered only to sigh. He slumped, his head drooping downward, in shame.

“Jonghyun, I-”

“Do you hate me now?” Jonghyun nonchalantly questioned.

His fingernail scraped at the denim of his jeans when the only thing he heard was deafeningly silence. He chuckled to himself pathetically. The silence was all the confirmation Jonghyun needed. “Of course you do!” he yelled out, allowing his head to drop into his hands. “Why wouldn’t you?!”

“Jonghyun, I-”

Jonghyun snickered. He looked up at his friend, defeated. “You hate me, I know. Minho, I’m sorry that I ed up. Oh God, I’m so fu-”

“I DON’T HATE YOU!”

“Stop ing lying to me! I know you hate me!”

“JUST SHUT THE HELL UP!” Minho screamed back, his eyes clenched shut. “I don’t hate you, so just shut up!” Jonghyun widened his eyes, silencing himself. “I don’t hate you, okay?” Minho stated firmly.

“But… why?” the elder pryed.

“I promised I wouldn’t hate you, ever. I could never hate you…” he trailed off.

“Oh…”

Minho scratched at the back of his neck awkwardly. “Yeah…”

“Jonghyun,” he called out, “why did you kiss me?”

“I-” Jonghyun pushed on Minho’s chest gently, causing the other to fall onto the bed with a soft thump. Jonghyun crawled up next to him, laying down on his back. “Do you remember that bridge?”

“What?” Minho questioned as he glanced at the man lying next to him.

“Last summer, when we were holding hands as we crossed that bridge over the river… I was really happy,” Jonghyun voiced out honestly, “I really thought I was happy then…” He smiled to himself as he reminisced.

“Why were you so happy?” Minho asked as he stared at Jonghyun, genuine curiosity evident in his voice.

Entwining their digits together, Jonghyun turned to look down at their hands. He ran a soft thumb over the back of Minho’s hand while shaking his head slightly. “You know, I never liked that bridge. It always scared me because it was old and wooden, but with you… I felt safe. And I know I sound stupid as hell and pathetic, but in that moment, I realized something, Minho.”

“Hm?”

“It’s stupid…”

“It’s okay.”

Swallowing down his nerves, he confessed, “I like you.”

Minho pursed his lips in thought. “What?”

“I…” Jonghyun led off. “Minho, I like, like you.”

He gulped. “Oh.”

“Minho… I’m sorry,” he lamented. He let go of Minho’s hand and sat up. “I’m sorry for everything… And it’s okay if you never feel the same way. It’s enough for me just to tell you how I feel…”

The younger of the two sat up and leaned against the wall. He glanced around his friend’s room. All those times he came over and all the times they’ve slept together… All those late night text messages about the latest single from Jonghyun’s favorite artist, the latest season of Jonghyun’s favorite anime, or Jonghyun ranting about how difficult his homework assignments were… All the long walks Jonghyun wanted to go on while holding hands and discussing their deepest aspirations in life… Jonghyun liked him through all of it? How couldn’t he have noticed, especially with all the shared; “I love yous?”

“Don’t be sorry, Jonghyun… Please, don’t be sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t notice. I really had no idea that you… you…”

“-liked you?” Jonghyun finished Minho’s sentence. He laughed lowly. “Yeah. I like you Minho… more than a friend should like another friend…”

“But why?”

“I don’t know..! , I’m just a disgrace! I’m disgusting.”

“Don’t say that.”

Jonghyun stood up. “Why shouldn’t I say that? For Christ’s sake, I love you! Masculine, athletic, handsome, straight, manly you! It’s gross, Minho! Everyone thinks my people are gross! Everyone hates us!”

“Jonghyun-”

“Shut up, would you?!” he interrupted. “Just hate me! I know you want to!”

Angered, Minho jumped up and stood tall in front of Jonghyun. “I don’t hate you!”

“Yes you do! You’re supposed to be like everyone else and hate my people!”

“Jonghyun, I don’t hate you! I can’t hate you!”

Why don’t you hate me?!” he screamed, “I DON’T UNDERSTAND! WHY DON’T YOU HATE ME?!”

“Because I’m your friend! And friends don’t hate each other!”

Shoving Minho onto the bed, Jonghyun screamed, “DON’T JOKE AROUND WITH ME! I KNOW YOU ONLY PUT UP WITH ME BECAUSE YOU FEEL SORRY FOR ME!”

“W-What..?”

“I know Kibum put you in charge of looking after me because he’s too caught up with to care about me! I know you’d rather hang out with Sulli. I can see it in your eyes… You hate me. You’d rather glance at her than talk to me at all! She’s smart, she’s nice, she has friends, she’s beautiful, and she’s a female. She’s everything I’m not and I can see how much you like her.”

Tugging at his own hair, he groaned, “Jonghyun, do you even hear yourself right now?!”

“I can hear myself just fine! What? Am I too stupid to hear now too? Is that it?!” He laughs. “Oh! So now, I’m just a pathetic, lonely idiot! Wow! Listen to this: Kibum, my self-proclaimed ‘friend forever,’ doesn’t give a about me, my best friend doesn’t even like me, and society views me an unnatural disgrace! I’m a piece of human waste! How surprising!”

Minho grits his teeth. “Jonghyun, stop!”

“Wake up, Minho! I don’t deserve your friendship--you need to hate me! Please, just hate me! Everyone hates people like me! HATE ME!”

Minho lunged at Jonghyun and knocked him onto the floor roughly, pinning him down. “STOP! JUST STOP! STOP THIS!”

“Minho…” he breathes out shockedly.

“I DON’T HATE YOU! STOP TELLING ME TO HATE YOU!” he pleaded, “Stop it!”

“Why?” Jonghyun croaked out, tears welling in his eyes, “I don’t understand how...”

Unpinning Jonghyun from the floor, Minho sat down. “Because I can’t, okay? Let’s leave it at that.”

Silence filled the room once again, but was short lived due to Minho’s curiosity. “Who are you referring to when you say ‘my people’?”

“Um…” Jonghyun gulps nervously, “Minho, promise me you won’t tell anyone--not even your mom.”

“I promise I won’t tell anyone.”

“Minho, I’m,” there was a slight pause in Jonghyun’s nervous words, “I’m gay.”

Jerking his head to the side, he stares down at Jonghyun. “Really? How do you know?”

“I, uh… I’m just attracted to guys, I don’t know…”

Minho grunts. “That was a terrible answer.”

“Well, how do you know you’re straight?”

“I don’t know if I’m even straight.”

Jonghyun turns to Minho and stares at him in disbelief. “What? Do you mean that when we kissed..?”

“I don’t know. I really don’t know,” Minho wrapped up quickly. “This isn’t about me though… Hyung, tell me why you want me to hate you.” Smooth transition Choi, very smooth.

Jonghyun groaned as he sat up. “It’d be so much easier. If you hated me then I’d know I’d have absolutely no chance of being with you.”

“Is that it? Is that what the fuss is about?”

Jonghyun rubbed his lower back, trying to relieve the slight pain. “I don’t know… I’m just so mixed up… Minho, would it be okay if I came clean to you right now? I know I already said a lot, but please...”

Minho nodded. “Of course, I’d be willing to listen to you forever if that’s what it’d take.”

Jonghyun sighed, resting his feeble hands on his lap. “So I guess I need to start with Shim Joonhee… Joonhee and I met at a cinema actually… We happened to have seats next to each other and talked a bit before the movie and exchanged numbers afterwards.” He chuckles lowly--reminiscing. “He was so handsome, Minho… And he was the sweetest too…”

“Oh? So what happened after that?”

Smiling downward, Jonghyun continued, “We texted a lot and called each other until he asked me on a date. I was surprised that he asked me honestly… But we went on dates and they were always so perfect. I swear I was in love, Minho. And eventually…” he whispered, “...we kissed and then a few months later, we made love for the first time...”

Humming in response, Minho nodded.

“Everything felt so right,” Jonghyun stressed. “I was so happy with him and everything was fine… Well, that was until about three months ago.”

“What happened?”

He shifted. “Grandma’s condition worsened suddenly... I-I didn’t want people to worry about me needlessly, so I tried to seem happy, but he saw right through it. He kept saying he didn’t want me to fake my emotions as to not burden him, but I… I just didn’t listen. So, I distanced myself… I stopped replying to him and... I-I turned down all his offers…”

“Is that why he broke up with you?”

Jonghyun paused. “I-I don’t know… I told him I didn’t want to talk and then when we did talk, we’d fight, so he broke it off. It’s understandable though… He had good reason.”

“Jjong…”

“I suppose you’re wondering where you fit into this whole thing… I don’t know how it happened, but my feelings for you changed and I didn’t want to acknowledge them.”

“Why?”

“Because if I acknowledged that I had feelings for you then it’d complicate things with Joonhee and with us and with our friends…”

“When did you realize you… liked me?”

“Before I was with Joonhee…”

Minho gulped. “You’ve… You’ve had romantic feelings for me for over a year..?”

Jonghyun nodded shamefully, a single tear slipping out the corner of his eye. “I’m really sorry for being selfish… I...I hope you can forgive me for being so selfish…”

They sit silently, Minho’s mind attempting to process Jonghyun’s words.

“Minho, you can leave and go home if you want…” Jonghyun shyly voiced out.

“I’d like that… I need time to think about everything you’ve just told me…” Minho gets up, grabbing his bag, and headed towards the door.

“One last thing… It’s okay if you don’t return my feelings. As long as you accept that I love you more than I should, that’s all I need to be happy again.”

Minho sighed heavily, running a hand through his hair. “Jjong… I-I can’t allow that…”

Jonghyun swallowed thickly, shifting on his feet nervously. “W-What do you mean..?”

“I can’t allow you to pretend to be happy just being friends with me… I don’t want you to--to have a one-sided love like that…”

Jonghyun bit his lip, trying to hold back the sobs that threatened to escape. “S-So we can’t be friends..?”

‘I-I don’t know--Maybe, maybe not. I just don’t know, Jonghyun,” Minho said out of frustration. “I’m sorry, but I need to think right now… Goodbye Jonghyun, I’ll text you or see you at school or something. I’m sorry.”

Jonghyun nodded, quickly closing the door as a fragment of his heart snapped off and disappeared with the man who holds his fragile heart. He sags down against the wall weakly, finally letting his tears fall freely as he holds a meek hand up to his chest, feeling his heart break. “I-I’m so sorry, Minho…”

______________

Hello, this is your author typing. 8/18/2016 12:15 AM... Literally had no idea it's been nearly two years since my last update, oops. Also, this is going to get a bit personal, so if you don't care to learn about my life a bit, just skip this author's note. So during this last year, I've been trying to live more freely and have some fun before I have to go off to university and truly become an adult, so I kept putting this off... I came out this past year to my friends and family and so far, everyone has been really accepting about it (I'm so, so grateful). I went to my first ever Pride and I saw Dan and Phil and Shane Dawson on tour! I also picked up a full-time job since my last update and I'm really active in four different clubs at school. I've started to take up art again and I have to draw and what not for a minimum of 15 hours a week outside of class (Honestly, how do people art for this long???)... I went on a few trips too. I went to Chicago, Madison, Minneapolis, and Sioux Falls for extended periods of time. And I've been touring different universities and applying to them the last few months... Also, I'm quite addicted to playing PokemonGo (Soooo guilty). So yeah, I've just been enjoying myself for the last year and a half which I haven't allowed myself to do until the last year and a half. It's been really nice, but I'm going to settle down a bit again. Anyway, sorry for the unexpected hiatus.

Since I'm lazy, I don't edit well before posting, so if you see an error or if a sentence doesn't make sense, please tell me. Also, if you have any questions, feel free to ask!^^