Out of all the countless reasons why I did not take a particular liking to visiting my home town, dissatisfaction seemed to top everything else on that list.

My visits were seldom, usually annually, only returning to that desolate wasteland in order show my respects to my grandparents that I wasn’t particularly close to. My visits would be short, none lasting more than two days maximum. I paid no heed to the fact that I seemed like a rather dishonorable child towards my parents for I had not seen them in the past four years. While Daegu was not by any means a rural province, it was mainly agricultural in focus, which explained why I was on the first train with Sunny right next to me. As a research assistant to the head of our department, I was here on official business. Dr. Lee had a PhD in Genetics and he mainly worked on optimizing agricultural crops for greater economic yield while ensuring the sustainability of the technology. I had all Dr. Lee’s publications on a folder in my bag, and while I was itching to go over them, other matters were more pressing.

Sunny had already fallen asleep her head lolling back and forth, hitting the glass window behind her head. It was rather amusing to watch how she didn’t even rouse from any of her direct and audible hits on the pane. Her head swooped to the side and I shifted in my seat to catch her head with my shoulder. This girl was hopeless. I leaned back in my seat trying to find a more comfortable position for the both of us. Sungyu had an endearing quality to her, and our association was more of instinctive on my part than coincidental as we usually tell other people.

We met during the Freshmen Assembly and Registration. That much was coincidence, or was it? Sunny had looked completely like the girl fresh out of high school all excited for college and all the wonderful things she may have heard about it. Being freshmen, we had the same classes the whole semester. We didn’t interact much aside from the small questions passed around during the lectures. It just so happened that she would sit next to me, or a few seats from me in class. Sitting next to each other became as habit as well. For one thing, I would sit next to the wall, and she would sit on the other side, thus preventing any other less tolerable person from sitting next to me. It worked for the both of us. Sunny had a go-to person for concepts she had difficulty with, and I had an effective barricade.

Second semester, Sunny applied to become an assistant for the Registrar’s Office. This was to my advantage as she proposed running my papers for me from her desk in exchange for tolerating her presence more. It was more to my advantage than hers as I didn’t have to queue during the whole process, and the counter deal of having her around was more to my enjoyment as well. Though I never told her, or anyone for that matter, Sunny was someone very comforting to have around. I’m not a sociable person by nature, the friends I have now have made themselves known to me on their own accord. Nichkhun, someone I could consider my closest friend, I have known since high school, and he only became my friend because we were introduced by Jiyeon.

I sighed watching the blur of gray concrete transform into greenery. It wasn’t that I disliked the rustic nature of this side of Daegu, but there were just too many unwanted memories in this place I used to call home.

The train slowed to a stop and I nudged Sunny’s head to wake her up. She rubbed the sleep from her eyes and gave a small whimper as she stretched her legs. She wasn’t fully conscious yet as we exited the train platform and I had to pull her by her backpack several times so she didn’t bump into random people. Dr. Lee and his crew were arriving later that afternoon. I had requested an earlier train mainly for two reasons. One, because it had been a while since I had visited and I wanted to acclimate myself, and two, because Dr. Lee was going to be working on my family’s plantation.

Family relations weren’t exactly a priority to me at the moment as I wasn’t one for familial obligation. Said relations were tense to say the least. It had been four years since I left Daegu. Four years since I left the life I knew here. I sighed again as we stepped out to catch the bus that would take us to the plantation. I still held onto Sunny like a puppet master, afraid that if I let go, she’d fall over and sleep on the pavement.

I bowed my head low as we climbed up the bus. I recognized the driver as soon as I saw him, and I really didn’t want to-

“Omo, Junsu? Kim Junsu?” The old driver, Mr. Bang let out a hearty laugh and I smiled slightly at him as I bowed forty-five degrees to greet him. “How was Seoul? I haven’t seen you since you went to college there. Must be nice in the big city. Dong-Min says he hasn’t heard from you since you graduated!”

The sound of the local dialect was now foreign to my ears, even when I understood Mr. Bang completely. I simply nodded at him and dragged Sunny to the back of the bus, ignoring the stares I received from the other passengers. I was certain some of the elderly recognized who I was and I bowed slightly at each who smiled and acknowledged my presence. I propped Sunny on the seat next to the window as I didn’t want her falling over to the aisle. As soon as we were both settled, I let my thoughts take me back to my childhood. It was going to be a long trip, and reminiscing would be inevitable. I looked out the window, staring at nothing in particular as certain images came to mind.

“You applied?!” the volume of my father’s voice had seemed to elevate with every consecutive word he said.

“Not only that,” I tried to remain calm. Anger seethed through me but I leveled my voice, “I got accepted.”

My father stood full height, puffing out his chest as he tried to reassert his authority over me. He was radiating anger in spades as well as he gripped the acceptance letter tightly in his hands. He was shaking in anger, his jaw firmly clenched trembling. I could see the veins on his neck pulse as he tried to for the patience he wanted to have as he dealt with his eldest son. My mother stood next to him, disappointment written clearly all over her face. She was looking down on me, more now than ever.

I had sent in an application to a university in Seoul behind my parents’ back. They had already arranged for me to go to a university here in Daegu and major in Business Administration despite my obvious lack of aptitude and interest for the profession.

“How could you do this?” My mother said, her voice dripping with disdain, “Have we not done enough? Is this another form of rebellion? Isn’t playing around with that foreigner and being in his music group enough for you?”

I held back my tongue and averted my gaze. Everything that didn’t go as they had planned was always an act of rebellion to them. I wasn’t about to bother with explaining myself or justifying my actions when they clearly weren’t ready to listen to anything I had to say. Inside my head, every other reason why I wanted to leave so badly was resurfacing. I was angry and I felt so repressed in this house.

“You’re already set to go to your father’s alma mater. The Dean of the College is already anticipating your attendance. You will be treated with respect there. I don’t understand why you would want to move so far away when you already have everything here!”

I refused to look at my mother as she spoke to me. Although averting my gaze may have been a bad move for me as they took this as my yielding to their authority. The urge to just scream out my frustrations was almost overpowering me as they continued to look down on me. I could feel their belittling stares as I stood before them. Was it really that unacceptable for me to want something else? Was it really that horrible an idea to want to much more out of my life? Was it really that disappointing that their son didn’t want to be stuck in this god-forsaken plantation for the rest of his life? Slowly I lifted my head to meet their eyes.

“I have made my decision.”

“Based on what?!” My father roared, “You have your whole life ahead of you. Your mother and I did not toil all our lives to provide you and your brother all this luxury for nothing! You have your whole life planned ahead of you. A life that will ensure you a good and prosperous future.”

‘“It isn’t what I want for my life! This plan you made, you never even consulted me!” My voice finally flared. I kept my fists tightly clenched next to me as I willed the violent urges inside me to calm down. My jaw ached from keeping my mouth shut for this long, and I felt the rage stir inside me as my mother spoke.

“Junsu, stop being so silly. That foreign friend of yours has been a bad influence. That old teacher as well, feeding you silly ideas about going to Seoul and studying there. Staying here is perfectly fine!”

“There is no real reason for you to have to leave. Stop being so brash and pull your head out of the clouds boy. What kind of example are you showing your younger brother?”

“No real reason?” My voice came out as a hiss, “No real reason? Does my happiness mean nothing to you? Does what I want have no bearing on the choices I want to make?”

“Junsu, you don’t know what you want, you’re just confused. Give it time and you’ll see, we were right all along.”

Anger and resentment washed over me like a torrential storm that pelted in sheets. I saw blank and I knew that nothing was clearer to me than this one moment. I stormed out of my father’s study and straight to my room, brushing past my younger brother Junhyung, ignoring him as he called out my name. As it were, my parents made the decision easier for me to make. I could no longer stand one more day in this house.

I barged into my room and grabbed the bag I had prepared for exactly a situation like this. I gathered more of my personal belongings in another bag and proceeded towards the main door.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

I stared hard at the abstract pattern on the mahogany doors as I drowned out my father’s voice.

“Don’t expect anything from us. The moment you walk out that door I don’t expect you to come crying back.”

How ironic. I had no plans of coming back. I pushed the doors aside and left this old mansion, not even looking back once.

Sunny shifted again on my shoulder. This time she turned towards me her hand clutching the sleeve of my shirt. To be completely and utterly honest, I was glad Sunny asked to come with me on this trip. I wasn’t particularly close, or even on friendly terms with the rest of Dr. Lee’s staff. Sunny being here, a friend being here, was comforting enough.

I continued to stare out the window. The smell of apples wafted through the air. Pleasant childhood memories came flashing back. Looking back, living here, being a child here wasn’t really that unpleasant. Living in a plantation could be likened to a fairy tale. The stagnant living, the luxury, it was very tempting to just stay and live in your own little world. There was no outside world to worry you- there was no outside world at all.

The realization that there was such a bigger world outside the plain I lived in came as an eye-opener to me. As my old school teacher would say, my curiosity had been unlocked. There was so much to see, so much to learn. So many things to experience, most of which I never will have experienced had I chosen to stay here. I felt like a restless soul looking for the place where I had truly belonged. One thing remained sure, and that was that I didn’t want to get stuck here in this place where people seemed to only settle for what they could see.

The bus pulled to a halt on an isolated bus stop. I pulled Sunny up again, her half-conscious state at least was willing to cooperate. I dropped her on the bench and waited for her to wake up fully. It was a long walk to the plantation. Enough for me to gather my thoughts and the courage to face my past.