February 14th, 2014

As I'm writing this here, today, for you, all I can think about is how sad you're going to be when I break your heart. 

I can just see it now as your tears stream endlessly down your face and you try to hold in your bitterness from me. 

"Wasn't there anything I could do?" You're going to ask me. 

No, of course not. Nothing could've avoided this from happening. I knew it from the start that this would happen. I knew it all along, yet I never once considered you and your feelings about all this. This was all because of my selfishness to keep you happy as long as possible. I never realized that this would cause you sadness and wreck you in so many ways. 

I never knew because I only knew how to make people happy. How to make them smile everyday and keep their troubles far behind them. I was that happy tool people would use to distract them, and I was okay with that as long as people could be happy. I never once thought that this would be your--and my--undoing. I never thought about how this would affect you so negatively and make you so sad it was practically uncurable. 

Looking at you now, I can't help but still be mesmerized by your smiling face. That beautiful smile, that you know I love, is one of your best features. Your long, soft, brown hair; your kind heart; your loving nature; your cute little dimples; your melodic voice; everything about you made me crazy for you. I'm so sorry to have done this to you my love, but I had no other options. 

I'm hoping that by the time you finish this letter, you'll understand why I had to do the things I did. You'll understand when I wrote this, why today, why everything. I'm hoping that you'll be happy again. 

My love, it all happened the week after we had our third date. I was so intoxicated by you, I knew I wanted to be by your side forever. But once I received that call while we were holding each other in bed, sleeping peacefully, everything changed. I didn't want to admit things were changing, so that's why I never told you. 

That's why every morning at 10 I would leave and come home bringing flowers to your door at 5. I didn't want you to feel sad. I didn't want you to notice that I was slowly deteriorating from the inside. The cancer cells spreading rapidly through my veins were killing me, but I couldn't bring the guts to tell you and see you tear yourself apart for my sake. I knew, or rather thought, that I really just wasn't worth your tears and I didn't want to stop seeing your beautiful smile. 

I honestly never thought this would happen, because they told me everything was getting better. They told me I would survive since I was fighting so hard. Fighting so hard for your smile. It's a selfish thought, isn't it? Fighting my death so I could keep your smile and see your smile everyday. I wanted your happiness so badly, and so I fought so hard. 

But in the end, all was lost. 

They told me and I knew I wasn't getting any better. Those nasty cells were growing and spreading at a rate where there was nothing more the doctors could do for me other than wait. 

"You have at least three months left," is all they could say before leaving me in a state of crazed fear and anger and bitter sadness. The first thing I thought of was you. How you react once I tell you I'm dying and there's nothing we can do about it, I was so afraid to see your smile disappear. I was afraid to lose you in general, and the tears never stopped. 

That's why I was late to our six month anniversary dinner. That's why I looked sick and weak and like a gigantic mess. That's why, when I made love to you that night, I was full of passion and fear and so many other emotions that made me never want to leave your side. That's why I cried in your arms and told you never to leave me. 

When you fell asleep, thinking I had fallen asleep, I sent a prayer to God, even though you and I both know I'm one hundred percent not religious. I just figured, hey, why not try everything I can? I prayed so hard that he would let me live and stay by your side for the rest of our days and that in the end, if he couldn't do that, he would keep you smiling and happy. 

The days after that, when we went out, I tried not to display how hard it was getting to keep going with you at your healthy pace. You running around and falling in the piles of the ending winter snow while I could just barely jog and laugh along with you. It was so good to see you smile and unconcerned. It almost made me feel like I wasn't going to die soon. 

But it's almost as if the world wants me to hurry up and leave because I started vomiting blood that night at my house while you were wrapped in a blanket next to the fireplace like I told you to since you had been rolling around in the snow and I didn't want you to catch a cold. It was like a sign that I couldn't forget. I wasn't allowed to forget that I was leaving you soon. 

I cried while I was holding you in my arms and you fell asleep. 

As the days kept moving on, I realized I should try to help you find someone new, someone to keep you happy once I left. That's why I introduced you to someone I knew was similar to me.

Remember that day I introduced you to my friend Jongdae? You remember how we had that big fight after I had mentioned you two would look nice together if I wasn't in the picture? I'm so sorry I did that to you. I didn't really realize how much that hurt you. I remember every word of the argument and I wish I had never brought it up, but at the same time I'm thankful it happened in a sense.

"Why does it sound like you don't want to be with me anymore? How could you even say that about me and Jongdae-sshi? Don't you love me anymore? Is there someone else? I always knew I was never good enough for you, but I always thought you were better than this. Don't lie to me and tell me I'm better than you when clearly that's not true!" is partially what you said. I regret it all. I regret making you cry that night and storming out the door. I regret not even being able to run after you because I out.

My dear, when we made up, all I could think about was how afraid I was for you when you realize that I'm going to be gone forever. When we had that argument, it made me realize how much we actually love each other and how much I really don't want to part with you. I cried that night again. 

The few days after that, I knew my time was coming. The days marked on my calendar were starting to come to a halt. Today came and I realized I might leave soon before you would get to know why I decided to break your heart like this. 

I chose today because I know Valentine's Day was always secretly your favorite holiday (non-holiday). I remember you telling me how you envied the couples being so happy and getting each other cute little presents that you'd never gotten because you had been single your whole life until you met me. That's why, along with this letter, my Valentine's gift to you is waiting underneath the bed in a small purple box. 

I know how much you hate pink and always thought purple was a much more romantic color. But I really do hope you like your present. I custom ordered it at Mr. Han's music box shop. Since he knows you so well, he made it and gave it to me--well I guess to you now--for free. There's two hundred dollars enclosed in an envelope on my desk for you to give to him from me, even though he said it was free. 

My love, I'm so sorry I had to leave you like this. I don't think I can say it enough. I'm going to miss you and all the amazing things about you, even those things you don't think are so great about you. I wished I could've told you so many more times how much I love you and that I wish you all the greatest happiness in this world. 

I have a big secret I'm going to tell you right now, but I don't want you to cry. I know you probably already are, but for now I need you to be my special girl and hold in those tears, okay? Good.

Now, close your eyes and visualize that we're at the beach. Sitting on the rocks staring at the sunset, I want you to just picture it. we'll be holding hands and you'll be leaning on my shoulder. I'll look at you and the tell you something super cheesy, making you make that cute laugh and that cute blush appear. Then I'll pull you close into a hug and whisper in your ear "I love you." Then you'll reply back--you better reply back--"I love you too." 

Then I'll face you and tell you that I've loved you since the very first day I met you and that I'd hate to live a day without you by my side. I'd pull out a small, blue, velvet case and open it, saying, "Will you marry me?" I'm pretty sure, or at least hopefully, you'd say yes. I would've kissed you and slipped the ring on your finger and it would fit perfectly (I measured it at least three different times while you were asleep so it would be 100% accurate).

I hope you like the ring I bought for you. I won't tell you how much it was, because I know you hate it when I spend so much money on you, but let me just say that it was worth every single dollar. You'll find it inside your Valentine's day gift.

I so wish I could've married you. It would've been the best goodbye gift ever. I would've been able to see you dressed especially beautiful and your smile would've been so bright. Your parents, who you've mentioned so many times that love me, would've been able to see their baby girl getting married to the man of her dreams, hint hint. And I would've been able to marry the best thing that has ever happened to my life: you. 

I probably should've, but that would've meant ruining your life forever. I didn't want to do that to you. Not when I knew things were just going to end like this. 

My dear, I want you to know that I only did this with you in mind. I don't think I can say enough times how sorry I am for not realizing what I did to you. I only did this because I wanted to keep you smiling. I love you so much, it hurts now that I realize what I've done. I'm sorry I couldn't stop loving you.

As for today, our one year and a half anniversary, I'm planning on taking you out to dinner and having a very special night with you. I don't care if you protest, I'll love you so much more tonight than ever before. And I'm doing it tonight because I have a feeling, it'll be my last. Tomorrow, I know for sure that I will leave the earth and you, and I can't stop apologizing.

When you read this letter, please listen to this last request I'm making you: remember to move on. Even if it takes a day, a week, a month, a year, move on without me and continue to be happy. Share your beautiful smile with someone else--preferably Jongdae since I introduced him to you and I already approve--and be happy with him. I'll always be watching over you and loving you from above in the heavens, 

I love you. I'm sorry. I'll miss you every day until the day I can see you again. Smile, love. And be happy. 

Love, 

Baekhyun