Daehyun felt déjà vu as he woke up again in the soft warm bed, vaguely wondered if everything was just a dream, and he was still down in the basement, with a chain on his leg and blood covered his body like a second skin. But when the sharp stab of pain spread throughout his body, his eyes shot open to reality, and alarm rang in him, making him cautiously looked around the room. 

Daehyun's eyes widened as he slowly took in the surrounding, recognized the familiar background. 

It was his old room. 

A tiny whimper escaped his lips, and Daehyun shook, unable to handle the emotions hitting him like waves. 

It was his old room, when he was still in the gang, when he was still a part of the family, when he was still loved. 

It was the same room that he, Zelo and Jongup spent lazing around, playing video games. It was the same room Himchan held him in his thin but strong arms, watched over him and chased away the nightmares in his sleep. It was the same room Yongguk spent in, watching horror movies with him when the leader was bored. It was the same room where Daehyun shared his heart with Youngjae, where they became one, lying under the soft moonlight and embraced by each other's love.

Daehyun missed it all dearly, but he didn't know how to earn it back. He didn't know how to glue back the broken pieces of a picture of the past without cutting himself with the edge of reality. 

Daehyun let a rip sobs escaped his lips. 

Daehyun cried until his eyes were dried with tears, until his heart echoed in empty hollowness, until he fell asleep, with streak of dried tears stained on his cheeks, like a broken doll, fragile and vulnerable.

Daehyun cried, for the past he lost, the present he lived him, and the undecided future waited to come. 

He had been strong enough, and sometimes, strong wasn't enough. 

A soft creak of the wooden door, foot steps, a small clank of something being place on a hard surface, and Daehyun was woken up, distorted and tired. He blinked several times, trying to make sense of the surrounding and groaned as his head throbbed. Hands quickly shot out to grab at him and keep him from falling face first onto the floor, and Daehyun was guided to lay back on the soft fabric. 

"How are you feeling today?" Voice, rough with tiredness but still caring, a chord to his heart and let a bit of warm spread through him, leaving a small smile on his lips. He, however, did not know how to answer the question. Was he suppose to say he was okay? He wasn't. Can he say he felt terrible? Would the other get mad? 

Daehyun opted to staying silent and received a soft sign. He was expecting a scowl from the other, or an insult, but when soft skin met the hollowness of his cheek, he leaned into the touch, getting as much warmth as he could. It felt so nice, to know that this little gesture meant something more than just them having to take care of him until he wasn't on the verge of dying anymore. 

"You can tell me how you feel, Daehyun. I know you're scared, but I won't hurt you." 

Daehyun looked up, hesitancy and fear evident in his eyes, but a bit less than yesterday, and something else was there. 

Gratefulness. 

Grateful that they had saved him twice, grateful that they hadn't put a bullet through his head yet, grateful that he had caressed him, had calmed him down. 

But he wasn't surprised. Himchan, ever since he'd been captured, hadn't done much physical harm to Daehyun, opting to stay on the side and watch. That gave Daehyun some assurance that he wouldn't at least be physically harm by Himchan. 

"How are you, Daehyun?" Himchan repeated, a little more stern, but the softness of care was still there. 

"I-I'm fine. It hurts a little, but I'm fine." Daehyun stuttered, intimidated by Himchan's voice. 

How could he forget? Even though Himchan wouldn't do much than just quickly kill someone or just fight in physical, emotionally, he was as poisonous as snake and as manipulative as a fox. Himchan knew how to intimidate someone into submission, carving deep into the darkness despair of fear and crush a person with a pretty smile on his lips. He knew how to break a person, to shatter their heart, until they were left with nothing but an empty shell. 

But at the same time, Himchan would never technique on anyone he considered a friend, or a family member. Himchan, albeit living every day in the cold harsh world of sinister and darkness, was still able to keep the part of him that was caring, the part that would wake up all night and hold someone in his arms, rocking them back and forth till they fall asleep. 

But was Himchan still considering him a friend, a family member? Was he still someone that matter, someone that would be missed if he was gone?

Daehyun didn't know. The truth was he didn't know. Daehyun knew how to fake emotions, how to portrait them in such a realistic way it took a professional with very keen eyes to see through his act. But Daehyun did not understand a person, nor did he know how to read one. He could not see to why the gang kept him alive, because the way he saw it, they wanted him dead. He did not understand why they would heal his wounds, feed him foods, as though days ago, he wasn't lying on the filthy ground with a knife on his shoulder and wounds covered his fragile form, wounds inflicted by their own hands. 

Daehyun needed an answer, wanted an answer, but he did not have the courage to ask, so instead, he opted to put the least of emotion on his face, answering to every questions coming his way like an obedient pet. 

Himchan crouched down to eye level with Daehyun, his warm hand was still on the softness of the younger's cheek. And when he looked into Himchan's eyes, he was surprised. 

Himchan looked at him with eyes resemble a mother, disappointed and mad at her son for making a big mistake, but still willing to forgive him, because after all, he was her son, and she loved him. 

It took a lot for Daehyun not to break down and curl into the older, getting as much heat as possible from the motherly male. Because although living in this kind of world for more than 4 years, Daehyun was only 19 years old, grew up to fast and matured too early. Daehyun had seen far a lot for someone his age, done far a lot, and he was tired. He was drained, physically and emotionally. And Daehyun wished nothing more than to be a normal person, to go to school, to have a job at the coffee shop, to hang out with friends at the mall on a Sunday afternoon. 

He couldn't anymore. 

Because when you know too much, leaving means death. 

"Daehyun-ah." Himchan said softly. "Eat some food, okay? I tried to make it so that it'll be easy for you to digest, and you'll feel much better when you get something in your stomach." He held up the bowl, and Daehyun took it, not wanting to repeat what happened with Youngjae. 

Himchan grinned as he watched the younger boy slowly swallowed every spoon. "There you go. Good. I have something to do, but I'll be back to check, and I expect that bowl to be empty." He said. 

He saw Himchan standing up and made his way out of the room. And before Himchan disappeared behind the closed door, Daehyun mustered his courage and asked. "Hyung. Do you hate me?"

Himchan stopped. He turned to Daehyun, and the younger boy held his breath, scared of an outburst. 

Instead Himchan let out a soft sigh. "No I don't. Junhong might be. Yongguk might be. Jongup might be. Youngjae might be. But I don't. I'm still mad at you for it, but I don't hate you, Daehyun-ah." He smiled. "Now eat your food. It's gonna get cold."

The door closed, and Daehyun was left alone in the room, stunned at what Himchan said. 

For what seemed like a century, Daehyun stared blankly at the door, still out of words. 

And then a bright smile broke out on his faces. 

His first real smile in 2 years. 

A/n: Woohh this chapter is shorter than the other two cause the scene ended there and I don't know how to start another scene without adding what's probably another thousand words in there. Not much happened, but this chapter is just to explain more clearly some of the confusions that came up. 

im such a ty author I at writing