Just let me go

I walk to the park –our park . It was where we met , where we exchange love confessions , our start. I took a tour around the park , once in a while sitting on the bench , once in a while snapping a picture with my DSLR hanging on my neck . Funny , I always thought that a picture could hold a thousand words , but not anymore. I’ve lost the trust.

Still , indeed , pictures do hold a thousand of words , but with me , it doesn’t work that way . I plopped down onto one of the bench , resting under a shady cherry tree. I browse my folder , looking at the pictures of him. Smiling brightly that it blinded my eyes.

“im glad I remember , today”

I look at the picture of him , appreciating each of them.

If only you knew how much I don’t want to forget.

I remember , theres a day where I woke up , and found him next to me. Except , I couldn’t remember that it was him . Instantly , panic rushes through my body. I ran out of the bed , aiming the door , when suddently I saw a picture on the nightstand –a picture of me and him . In the picture , he was kissing my cheeks as I smile brightly to the camera.

I cant stop asking myself who he is , why he is here , I feel so confuse , im so scared because suddently I don’t know anything , im sure for a brief moment , I don’t even know who I am. I looked back at him, slowly walking to him and tapped him on his shoulder. When he make a small grunt and start stirring , I almost make a run of the room, of him , of the house. But where would I go ?

When he open his eyes , smiling sleepily , theres this feeling tugging at the end of my heart. I tried to recall what it was , who he is , who I am , but to no avail , my memories still couldn’t make it. When he stretch his hand , grabbing onto mine , and pull me back on the bed next to him , my insides feels like it will explode.

Does he makes me feel this way all times?

What actually this feels?

He asked me if I know who he is , and I feels like crying because I don’t . But then , he look so sad and disappoint its make me works out with my brain to just make out of his name.

“yeol”

The name rolls out from my tongue and he smiles again. More beautiful. But to be honest , I don’t know where that comes from. He then looked at me again as his fingers playing with my hair.

“can you make me a coffee”

He looked so hopeful that even when I don’t know what is coffee , I played along.

“sure”

I said back , getting off of the bed and walk out the room. I passed the living room to go to the kitchen and I cant averts my eyes from the pictures plastered on the wall. There is a picture of me and him , of a bunch of other guys and many more.  From the little memos stick to the wall , I tried again , to at least remember something , know something , but each time I concentrating on doing so , theres this shooting pains in my head. Its hurts so much to the point that my vision got blurred.

After the bearing pains fades away , I continue walking to the kitchen , but then , im left standing there, knowing nothing.

Coffee –what should I do ?

It was then , a pair of arms sneak to my waist , reaching and holding both my hands.

“its like this”

It was him –yeol . He guide me , moving ma hands around until finally , our freshly made coffees is done.

Then , another day , I completely forgot. Everything. I basically writes his name everywhere. Even on my palm.

I would never willing to forget . Not him.

“sungyeol”

“sungyeol sungyeol sungyeol”

I keep on chanting his name , in hope somehow , the name will plant in my head, forever. I keep doing so , but I know one day , I will , eventually , forget.

It wasn’t after he shake me by my shoulders , do I wake up from my thought , stopping my continuous chanting of his name.  he look furious. I know , his eyes look so so so scared. As much as im afraid I will forget , he do too. As much as I cant imagine a life without him , I know he cant imagine a life without me too. I need him and he need me but if I make him stay , he’ll be in hurts and if I make him go , I’ll be in so much hurts. But I rather be the one being hurted than knowing im the cause of his hurts. I pretended that im forgetting everything , when sooner , I will. I cant have him stay with me.

So I’ll go.

I made him go.

“sungyeol, im forgetting us”

“im sorry”

But I cant never said it to him. For days , I cried , because im the only one know how much it hurts.

I get off of the bench , walking through the park and down the street , stopping at the road’s side as the red traffic light flash. My eyes wanders around until it stop staring into his eyes.

Somehow , my heart skip a beat.

The moment we crossed path , I cant help but smile as he walk passed me.

I never want to put you in pains , Sungyeol , let me go and go on with your life.

I will not be in pains , sooner , I’ll forget everything.

Sooner , I’ll be just like an empty jar. With an empty heart , that once is your home.

somehow , this is shorter than previous chapter.

i hope you dont mind ^^

and idk if this a little confusing , i hope you understand.

and kindly point my wrongs okay.

carpe diem !