current playlist: Taeyang-Eyes, Nose, Lips

This forbidden relationship had hurt both of us—consciously or unconsciously.

It was really tiring to keep it as a secret. Especially for Junhong, who often felt insecure of what people said. All those attention, it burdened him and slowly ate him inside out—this relationship just made it worse.

People began to notice our relationship, some even pointed it out.

Junhong maybe didn’t tell me but I knew he was freaking out, scared to being called out by people. Looking into his eyes was enough to tell me about it.

Every human had his own limit. Junhong too. No matter how strong he was a person, he would have a breakdown one day, not only once, it could be many times. I had seen Junhong went through it, many times, and it hurt me too every single time. Seeing the light slowly being taken from him, I couldn’t risk to burden him more and more.

So I came with a decision.

I would set him free from a chain called possession that I set on him.

It is the best.

*

“Let’s break up, then”

I expected those words to come out of his beautiful mouth that but I didn’t expect his reaction. He was too calm, too sure about his decision. The smile on his lips didn’t quiver even a bit.  I stared right into his eyes for the last time, trying to ensure myself that he truly meant his words—or was I expecting him to lie?

He did mean it.

Ah, it is the end.

We finally set the flame, burnt and destroyed our love—let it withered into dust, saved it in my deepest memory.

*

I rethought of the moment when we ended our relationship. Ever since the beginning of our relationship, I always pray that if it came to an end someday, we would end it with a smile—but recalling Junhong’s smile that day, it made my heart hurt. He was too calm; he didn’t seem to be bother with our break-up. Would he be hurt by this separation? What was he doing now? Was he doing good? Did he cry? Or did he forget it already?

I leaned my head on the wall—creating a faint thudding sound when I bumped onto it—sighing deeply.

“Do you really want this, Junhong-ah?”

My voice sounded so hoarse.

*

I was so stupid to thing that he wouldn’t be affected by our break-up.

He didn’t take it well; I should have known it. I expected him to feel down but never had I expected that he would shut himself off. Even from other members.

I was stupid.

And the stupidest mistake I ever did was avoiding him. I should be the one who fixed it, not running away from his tears. I should do it not as Bang Yongguk-Choi Junhong’s lover but as Bang Yongguk-Leader of B.A.P.

I can’t believe that you are really stupid, Bang Yongguk. You need to fix it ASAP.

*

I felt so relieved when I finally saw him getting out of his room but it turned into guilt the moment he noticed me.

The way he stared at me made me shuddered, it was full of hate.

He rushed from his spot, didn’t even bother to look at the member, as if he didn’t want to breathe the same air as me.

“How are you doing?”

I didn’t even know what had possessed me that I dared to ask him the stupid question.

He glared at me. What would you expect from a broken-hearted person?

He didn’t have to say it out loud for I could read it on his eyes already.

“Never better, Hyung.”

Then he ran.

I cursed at my stupidity.

*

He deleted our chat. What would I expect. He even erased me from his contact, surely he slowly erasing me from his life.

He probably wishes me hell.

While I wish him to be well.

*

If Junhong knew that we shared the same pain.

That he wasn’t the only victim in this case.

Since I, too, was dying.

Blame it to my nature that the pain wouldn’t show even if it killed me inside.

The memory, I could still feel his presence beside me.

His eyes, his nose, his lips.

His black orbs—staring at me lovingly—they only showed me hatred now.

His nose, the sweet breath he held while nuzzling his face onto mine.

His touch, right onto the end of his fingertips, caressed my face so dearly.

His beautiful lips that whispered ‘I love you..’

I closed my eyes.

“I love you too”

Always.