current playlist: Tablo ft. Taeyang-Eyes, Nose Lips (English Cover)

“I think there’s no use to continue this relationship”

Those words echoed inside my mind.

“It’s the best for me, for you, for us…”

I didn’t think so. It might be the best for you but not for me.

“Breaking up is the best option for us. I hope you will understand it…”

He was the one who were giving up, not me.

I could only blinked, it felt like something had tied my mouth so tight. I tried to convince myself, that it wasn’t a dream. Never had I prepared myself for something like this—I should have done it, because there was always a possibility for it to happen, sooner or later—I was the fool here.

  Because Yongguk-hyung said that we would last forever.

But we didn’t.

It took forever for me to open my mouth and tell him my decision.

 “Let’s break up, then.”

Maybe I was already crazy.

Because I was smiling when I said it.

*

I didn’t know how long I had been like this—lying on my bed, hugging my tears-soaked pillow.

Two days? Three days? I didn’t know anymore.

It hurt.

Did he know how much it hurt me? I bet he didn’t.

 I felt like dying. No kidding. Those songs were true. I felt sorry for laughing at those lyrics, I thought the writer was too overreacted about separation.

To be honest, dying sounded so much better though. I needed to be numb. Call me weak, because I do am weak. I hated how crybaby I was as a person.

I heard the creaking sound of the door being opened.

“Junhong, are you alright? Do you need something?”

Himchan-hyung came to check my condition. Sometimes it was Youngjae-hyung, sometimes Daehyun-hyung, other times it was Jongup-hyung. But it never be Yongguk-hyung.

I didn’t answer.

 I’m not alright, Hyung.

*

“Let’s keep this relationship as a secret.”

Thinking back about the time he said it, I asked myself why I had never realized it. I should have known that it was impossible for us to be together—ever since the very beginning of our relationship. We didn’t stand any chance—because our love was forbidden. It was a sin.

Too blind by the joy. Too foolish to think that I already reached the heaven.

Mother was true, too much heaven is a sin, don’t be overjoy. It would only bring sadness in the end.

I should have listened to it.

Choi Junhong is a fool.

*

“Feeling better, Junhongie?”

I didn’t have any mood to talk so I chose to stay silent and play with my food. All the members were here—except Yongguk-hyung. What do you expect though, Junhong? I knew he wouldn’t dare to show up after breaking my heart into pieces—though I was a bit surprised to know how coward he was.

 “It’s okay if you still don’t want to talk about it… at least you have to eat something… you haven’t eaten anything since two days ago…”

I stared at my spoon. I really didn’t have any appetite but looking into my hyungs’ eyes made me feel bad if I didn’t eat. I brought it to my mouth and began to eat.

One spoon. Two spoon. Three-

I stopped when I saw a familiar figure entered the room.

It’s him.

I put down my spoon, standing up in a rush, “I am done.”

 I didn’t bother to look at my hyungs. I felt impolite to leave but I also couldn’t stand to be in the same room with that person.

I hurried to walk out of the place, but I was stopped by familiar deep voice.

“How are you doing, Junhongie?”

I was so irritated at the fact he dared to call me like that. I glared at him, cocking one of my eyebrow.

‘what would you expect from someone whose heart you’ve broken?’

I wanted to say that but a part of me told me not to do it. I smiled bitterly.

“Never better, Hyung.”

Then, I ran.

*

I found a message on our secret chatroom.

I thought he had erased it—I thought I had done it too.

I’m sorry, I hope you can get better soon. I never-

I erased the chat, furiously, it made me sick.

Too late.

I didn’t need his apology.

It was ing too late.

If he thought by doing that would heal my pain, he was wrong. The damage he had caused was too severe and I was too broken to be fixed. Those two-to-three lines of apology weren’t enough turn everything he had done back into the way it used to be. For I wasn’t a kid who would stop crying when given a bunch of candies and lollipops. Oh man, he wasn’t that stupid, was he?

Yongguk-hyung would have been dealing with this break-up easier—since he was experienced already. I didn’t have much impact in his life though, it wouldn’t even cause a stir in his heart. It was totally different from me. I, who had never been in love before, thought that he was my world. And he had crushed it. No more world for me, I was a mess.

I love you

His lie was too beautiful, trapping me in this never-ending pain in the end.

” It was such an irony, that he was the one who started this but I got hurt the most.

And he left me to fix myself alone, just like the way he always did with my problems.

“You cheated”, I mumbled to myself.

*

I lied on the cold floor of practice room, alone, my legs were tired from dancing for hours. Tablo’s voice blared from my ear piece, keeping me awake. Listening to the song made me think, that if I had one wish to be granted right now, I hoped Hyung would fade.

Fade to black, gone from my sight—completely.

I prayed that his eyes were the first to go. The way he smiled, the way he looked at me—with eyes full of love that had changed into guilt now. The way it opened and closed.

Then his nose. Every breath that grazed along my skin as he buried his face on the crook of my neck.

The last was his lips, along with the empty promise he made and said.

I opened my mouth.

“Please fade, fade to black.”