Jung Yunho walked at a moderate pace down the halls of MBC smiling and bowing every so often to the smattering of people scurrying around him. He took a swig from the plastic water bottle that had been into his hands seconds upon passing through the glass doors. The air was heavy tonight, unnaturally humid and hot, result of an unexpected heat wave that had taken over the city. It was late, sometime past midnight, but the air still hung stagnant and muggy. Those he passed who worked in the building gave flustered ecstatic greetings, similar to the ones he received from the many hoobaes he encountered. Any sunbaenim’s that happened to cross his path sending him warm smiles and acknowledging head-nods.

It was no secret SM didn’t hold the best reputation in the industry. Their business tactics were often met with strident disapproval and distrust, something that the artists under its label had to contend with over the years. They were a tough label to train and debut under; they wanted nothing less than the best and expected you to give your absolute everything. In exchange, your success was a guarantee. Because of this, his brother and sister groups under SM often had to deal with the backlash and the fallout that came from such a strictly business approach. He was proud, however, to say that all the groups under the label were well liked and well received. From the group that held some of his closest friends, Super Junior down to the newest junior’s EXO.

Living in such a tough, draining environment built a bond like no other. The SM family was a real phenomenon. He never would have thought he could be so close to people who weren’t related to him by blood. There was an odd, lasting connection that flourished once you were brought under the powerful company’s wing. They stuck together, through the good times and the bad. They supported one another and kept each other on their feet. The competition between them was friendly and healthy, something you might find between any number of blood siblings. They cheered each other on from the sidelines and stood closely together through times of criticism and censure. He knew how powerful the SM bond could be from his own struggles with DBSK. He would always be grateful to those who had been there for him and Changmin when they had been at their lowest.

Speaking of Changmin…where the hell was he? He was supposed to have met him near the front of the building half an hour earlier. Instead his maknae had been a no-show, only just now sending him a cryptic message telling Yunho to meet him in their usual waiting room. Finding it completely inconvenient but knowing he would do whatever the younger asked of him, Yunho set out in that direction.

When he made it to the nondescript doorway he walked in to find the space considerably dimmed. He was confused by the situation and meant to voice this to the person whose legs he could see from just inside the door. Striding further forward, bent on lecturing his younger counterpart on the virtues of consideration and timeliness, his mouth opened and he stopped. He could emit no sound once met with the only other occupant in the room. Sitting comfortably on one of the three  leather couches in the room, was the only person on earth who could make Yunho feel small. He felt like a rug had just been pulled from under him, his vision telescoping on the long-limbed vision of a man.

Kim Jaejoong perched casually on a couch Yunho had spent countless hours on; his legs crossed gracefully one over the other. His body seemed to stiffen the moment he caught sight of Yunho gaping from the doorway and the smile that had previously curved his lips, faltered and fell. The slight coming together of his brows was the only other indication of his immediate distress.

“What are you doing here?” he breathed, the lyrical quality of his voice hitting Yunho like a knife to the chest.

“What am I doing here?” Yunho choked in incredulity. “What are you doing here? This is the DBSK waiting room when we’re at MBC.”

Yunho’s mention of their group name hung heavy in the air, Jaejoong's obvious exclusion from it like a slap to the face. A flash of emotion so brief Yunho almost missed it, flickered across Jaejoong’s eyes. Even in their current situation, Yunho couldn't help but stare at the man in front of him hungrily. He felt like a man who had been deprived of the most basic necessities, dropped in an arid desert and after months, suddenly presented with a feast he wasn’t sure was an illusion. He hadn’t seen Jaejoong this close since the split…hadn't spoken to him or heard his voice. The only contact he’d had with the person who had once been his entire world had gone from daily, hourly interaction; to seeing him through the glass of  a television screen. And as dynamic as Jaejoong was in front of a camera, it could never substitute for the warmth that emoted from him in droves when he was beside you.

His hair was dark and a color that hinted at red. Yunho had always liked the way he looked with dark hair, the color contrasting starkly with his complexion. The porcelain quality of his skin still shone with an effervescence that was impossible to emulate. His captivating slanted eyes were trained solely on him and Yunho felt a hitch in his chest, a sharp splintering he thought he’d overcome years ago. If he had ever wondered at the true meaning of the word gutted, he didn’t now.

Jaejoong stood awkwardly, his gaze steady. He cleared his throat, unavoidable emotion tingeing the air, clogging the airway. He had always wondered what his first confrontation with Yunho would be like after the fervor had died down. He had expected he would see him at least in passing; that is...before the halt SM placed on their activities by convincing all the major networks to turn their backs and boycott the three deserters. In those first initial months he had practiced the polite mask he would adopt. His lips would turn up in a lukewarm smile of polite, comfortable familiarity; a bow…and it would be done. Months turned into years but in the back of his mind the anticipation of that meeting had always been there, a gnawing anxiety that had turned phobic.

Adopting that distant, practiced smile now, Jae tried to keep his emotions under control. The poise and composure he was known for falling over him like a well-worn cloak. 

“I guess I came to the wrong room. My memb-" Jaejoong coughed and cleared his throat, "JYJ is supposed to meet here because there have been some negotiations about getting us back on MBC. Junsu and Yoochun said…” Jae stopped and frowned, his mind putting two and two together. There had been no mistake, s had told him wait in this room and now he realized why they hadn’t come. They had never been coming. “It doesn’t matter, I’ll go.”

Jaejoong finally lowered his gaze, slipping around a table while mentally debating how to get by Yunho with as little contact as possible considering the elder hadn’t moved from his position in front of the door. Before he could think of something, he heard his voice again. The deep rich timbre as familiar and welcome as hot chocolate on a snowy day.

“That’s it? You’re just leaving?” His eyes were as sharp as the accusation in his tone, his stare unwavering.

Jae’s eyes flickered up in surprise, “What more is there?”

At Jaejoong’s flippancy Yunho felt something snap internally, a hot irritation edged in resentment flooding him.

“What more...?” he reiterated woodenly, the words faltering as he expelled a wry bark of laughter. “What. More. Is there?!”

Yunho couldn’t pretend, Jaejoong might have been able to, but he couldn’t pretend there was nothing between them. He raked a trembling hand through his hair, forcefully launching his water bottle across the room where it bounced off a wall opposite. Stalking irately up to Jae he cornered him against a wall. The younger stared up at him defiantly, those eyes of his burning straight through to his core.

“Do you know how much you hurt me? Changmin? Do you have any idea? Or do you just not care?”

Yunho’s hands clamped onto his upper arms and Jaejoong struggled to shake him off in vain, his own anger pricked. He almost succeeded but Yunho was stronger, taller, larger. He pushed him back up against the wall, his grip tightening painfully, “I loved you damn it.”

Jaejoong froze at the words growled without preamble. It was like the five year gap between them had ceased to exist, like they were having the first confrontation they had never had back when it still mattered. So this was how it was going to be. No niceties, no pleasantries; just straight to the ugly, bitter middle of it. Jaejoong swallowed painfully. He couldn’t do this...not now and maybe not ever. In all the scenarios he had ever pictured of his next encounter with Yunho, this had never been one of them. He had seen them meeting among a smattering of polite company, or crossing paths at a communal salon; never like this, alone, with no social cues and rules to restrain them.

“We’re not having this conversation,” Jaejoong bit out, trying desperately to free himself only to have Yunho pin him roughly back once again.

 “No, damn it. You slinked away without an explanation before, I won’t let you do it again,” Yunho rumbled. “How could you do it, Jae? Huh? How could you-how could you leave?”

With that question hanging between them, much to Jaejoong’s horror, Yunho seemed to fold. His last word ended near enough to a whimper it made Jaejoong’s throat ache and tighten, the pain having been palpable in his voice. Jae was fixed in place as Yunho’s head slumped forward to rest against his, their foreheads connecting. Tears that had been burned away with his initial fury, surfaced in the hurt stirred up by his demanding. A single glittering track skittered down Yunho’s cheek and Jae bit his lip, his heart splintering all over again. How long had he tried to mend and patch the heart he had broken himself by his own actions, and it was all for nothing.

Jung Yunho didn’t cry. The only time Jaejoong had ever seen him cry was the night Jae had announced JYJ was leaving the group. Those had been tears of desperation, of anger and betrayal. Now they were tears of pain. Jaejoong felt the wall he always kept in front of him crumble under Yunho’s silent emotional plea. How could he deny him? How could he hide, in the face of this?  

“I-we couldn’t stay, not the way things were…” Jaejoong attempted.

It sounded hollow, even to his own ears. His reasons had become brittle and stale with misuse over the years. He didn’t regret his decision, but he would always regret what he had left behind. Changmin had been like a younger brother, and Yunho…the longer he had spent away from Yunho the less validation he had felt. But it was too late now, too late to turn back and change the past. If he could do things all over again he would never have left Changmin and Yunho to suffer through alone. That hadn’t been part of the plan; he had always assumed it would be the five of them. Never had he pictured a time where they would become so divided.

“Why?” Yunho bit out, “Why couldn’t you? We were supposed to be able to get through anything together. You couldn’t even have tried…? Not even for me? For us?”

“Us?” Jaejoong breathed out heavily. “The only us we had was desperate fondling in the dark and stolen kisses. Fear was what defined ‘us’, Yunho. Fear that we would be caught, that we would be found out and everything would be over. Of the repercussions if anyone else in the world besides the five of us knew about ‘us’.”

“Is that all it was to you?” Yunho demanded, incredulous. His hands came up to encase Jaejoong’s cheeks to deter him from avoiding his eyes. He needed to know. He had to know if he had been the only one pining away for what used to be. “Is that all I meant to you?”

Jaejoong flinched, “Yunho…”

Sick of the pretense, Yunho lunged forward, connecting their lips in a kiss that aligned Jaejoong’s world. A connection that had been so sorely missed it had left a constant aching hole in his heart. They say time heals all wounds, but time had only widened this one to a chasm, the longing becoming a dull throbbing he couldn’t get past.

Their kiss was bruising, fervent, harsh. Both scrambling and pulling for more. It was everything and more than Jaejoong remembered. Their kiss slowed and evened, one of Yunho’s hands tracing down his side before encircling his waist and pulling him roughly into his body. Jae was brought flush against Yunho, a puzzle piece that clicked in the cavity of his arms. Jae’s arms went around shoulders his body had memorized with a liquidity that came from familiarity. His fingers followed the center line up the back of his neck, splaying in the downy softness of his hair.

The roar and rush of blood flooded his conscious mind. The moment was heady, his heart racing to a thunderous beat that had only ever come with Yunho’s touch. When the oxygen between them became too little and the feeling too much, they separated on a gasp. Yunho’s arms never left him, in fact, they tightened. Yunho’s greatest fear was that if he let him go, Jae would disappear and he would wake to find he had dreamt it all…again.

Jae sighed tiredly, his chin coming down to rest on a strong shoulder, “I never wanted to hurt you…”

“How could you think I wouldn’t be hurt? You broke my heart.”

Jaejoong pulled back slightly, “You think I didn’t hurt? I know all you see me as is cold and callous, that all I wanted was out. But the plan was always for you and Changmin to be there. You went back on everything we had ever talked about. You complained too! You weren’t happy either, but you backed out!”

“I didn’t back out! I never meant to leave SM. Yes, I complained, but so does everybody! It was never meant to be taken seriously Jae, you three took it too far and now look at where we are.”

“We did what was right,” Jae’s eyes narrowed bitterly. “But I know how you felt. I read what you thought of us, your statement, the things you said to the press-“

“Most of those things were taken out of context and you really think we wrote those statements without the company having a say? Yes I felt like you three were influenced by outside sources and yes I wanted you to come back, but those statements were drafted for us. Don’t be naive Jae,” Yunho sighed tiredly.

“And you wonder why we left,” Jaejoong shot back tightly. “It was always like that. We were always under a tight control, monitored constantly. I couldn’t breathe like that!”

“So instead of coming to me, instead of coming together as a group to talk about it, you just decided it was best to throw it all away and leave everything behind?”

“It would have been different if things had gone how we wanted. If you and Changmin had been with us. We didn’t want it to turn out the way it did, but once it began, things got out of control. Everything snowballed so quickly and it all just went wrong,” Jaejoong’s voice wavered, his throat tightening as he remembered the backlash, remembered the feeling of everything slipping through his fingers, of losing two of the people he cared about most in the world.

For a long time he had known Yunho and Changmin resented, if not hated them. And that had been a more painful reality than any of the other consequences they had had to deal with. Even the fight to promote themselves, and rise from of the flames of the wreckage and destruction of their illusions and aspirations.  

“What-what I hated the most," Jaejoong confessed in a whisper, guilt surfacing all over again, "was that you were blamed. They weren’t right to do that. What happened wasn’t your fault. We were all to blame in a way.”

“No,” Yunho shook his head, “They were right. I did fail…I didn’t protect our members…the group. It was my responsibility to keep us together and I failed.”

Jaejoong closed his eyes, the tears he had been trying to keep at bay seeping from beneath the seam of his lashes, “You didn’t...how could you…it had nothing to do with you! We just wanted what was fair. If you had come with us-”

“I couldn’t do it Jae!” Yunho stepped away from him, rubbing his hand harshly against his eyes before continuing heatedly. “Yes it was hard, yes sometimes it wasn’t fair, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t throw everything SM had done for me in their face. They made me what I am. It would have been like spitting in the face of the hand that fed me. I couldn’t be so…”

“Ungrateful?” Jae caught astutely.

“You know that isn’t how I meant it. I just…”

“Always put everyone else above yourself,” Jae nodded knowingly. It was just the way Yunho was; he was selfless and loyal to a fault. It was what Jae loved the most about him but also something they had often fought over. People took advantage of his innate kindness, “I know.”

“I couldn’t leave it all behind and destroy what we had built together, neither could Changmin. I know you think I betrayed you, I read what Junsu had to say…” Yunho swallowed sadly, remembering the words that had cut him deeper than anything the media or their fans had said.

Jaejoong walked up to him, laying a hand on his arm, “He was hurt, we all were. He didn’t mean it the way it came out. He just felt…let down, like you put the company over us…over your brothers. What he did wasn’t exactly right, but he had no other way to express his pain and frustration over the situation. We believed you would come to us…”

“So did we,” Yunho smiled regretfully. “If there was one thing I never budged on, it was the addition of any more members to DBSK. Your positions remain vacant for a reason. They will always be yours. Always there for you if you ever made the decision to come back.”

Jae let out a soft wry chuckle, “I guess we're at a stalemate then, because we felt the same. That’s why we never added anyone else to JYJ. It was always meant to be us five.”

Yunho smiled slightly, Jaejoong lowered his gaze. His eyes caught something he had heard of but never seen up close. He reached out and his hand caressed down Yunho’s arm to his hand, bringing it closer to him.

“How could you do this?” Jaejoong whispered, tracing the almost invisible scarring on his right hand.

Yunho flinched. It was his constant, painful reminder of his last and most terrifying drunken bender. After s had left; after Jaejoong had left, he’d fallen into a deep abyss of alcohol and depression. So deep he hadn’t been able to swim his way out. The last night he had ever gotten drunk, he’d smashed his fist into a mirror after screaming himself hoarse. Almost bleeding to death on the cold tile of the bathroom floor. If Changmin hadn’t found him…

“How did you know?” Yunho’s eyebrows came together in confusion.

SM had made sure to keep his 'episodes' out of the limelight. They took special pains to cover up that he’d almost gone crazy with the pressure and the pain. After his close call, SM had put them on hiatus, hospitalizing him for a time in one of their most trusted facilities. He’d taken the leave while the worst of it healed and until his injury could be covered up by expert make-up technicians for their initial promotions for ‘Keep Your Head Down.’ Thinking of that time still left a bitter taste in his mouth. Though they’d denied it, the song had been a dig by the company at their former members. One that Changmin and Yunho, in their initial bitterness, had supported.  

“Changmin told us what happened,” Jaejoong explained softly. “He begged us to come back…he said you needed me.”

“He was right,” Yunho shook his head. “Sometimes I think he regrets not going with you.”

“He would never leave you. You were always his number one. He would follow you anywhere and through anything.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“Why didn't I what?”

“Come back when he told you? When you knew what had happened and that I needed you…did I mean so little to you?” Yunho accused, hurt.

Jae sighed shakily, “I wanted to, you don’t know how much I wanted to, but after the way we left things…how was I supposed to face you again? We weren’t even talking to each other at that point. I tried contacting you in those first weeks and I got nothing back. I gave up. I thought you wanted nothing else to do with me so I left it alone.”

“Yes, I was angry…so angry Jae, but I didn’t lie when I said I hadn’t gotten any messages from you. I don’t know what happened, but I never got anything. Do you think I would have turned you away? Do you honestly think I could have? Jae…” Yunho sighed like the whole world was on his shoulders, his hand coming out to caress a supple cheek. “All I wanted was to see you. All I wanted was to have you back with me. At that point I wouldn’t have cared if we had to meet secretly. I just wanted to be with you. I missed you and I felt like I was dying without you.”

“I’m sorry,” Jaejoong expelled softly causing Yunho glanced up sharply. Jaejoong didn’t apologize. He had never apologized; not for leaving, not for giving up on the DBSK they had once been. “I should have been there…”

“I don’t want an apology Jae, but…I’ll forgive you on one condition,” Yunho answered softly, tipping his chin up so he was looking at him squarely.

Jaejoong raised an eyebrow in question, his other coming up to meet the first in slight surprise when Yunho leaned down to connect their lips once again. This time their kiss was sweet and poignant. A kiss that showed so much of the depth of the love Jung Yunho still felt for Kim Jaejoong.

“Don’t leave me again. I swear, I won't be able to handle if you walk away from me again. After today I won’t be able to go back to the silence we’ve had to live with.”

“You know it’s too late for DBSK, we’ll never solve our differences with the company and our paths have diverged too much,” Jeajoong warned.

“This isn’t about DBSK, not anymore. This is about me and you and the boys. Our friendship, our love for each other…what we forgot to value and lost along the way.”

Jaejoong looked like he was thinking a moment before he placed his arms around Yunho’s shoulders, “We were fools once. I lost my best friend, my love, my other half. I won’t lose you again, not this time.”

Yunho smiled, the whole of it lighting up his entire face. They may never be DBSK again, not the way it was but he'd begun to realize that wasn't everything. Jaejoong being here, back with him, by his side...to Yunho, that was his everything.