„It doesn’t matter, I’m okay.” I paused for a moment recollecting myself. I let out a breath which became visible in the cold air. The streets were empty at this late hour. There were some restaurants and bars still opened and I could see some people behind the big glass windows.
But suddenly I felt so alone and he wasn’t saying anything anyway and so I hung up with a quiet “Good night.”

I was heading towards the subway again.
I would have been lying if I said that I wasn’t cold. It was a late night in February and I was dressed in a skirt and thin tights to impress a person who didn’t even come.
My chest was tightened and breathing became harder. I should have felt ashamed that I was tearing up so easily because of some guy.
I should have but I didn’t bother about my pride tonight.
It was my birthday and the man who meant the most to me didn’t turn up.

3 Minutes until the train arrives. That was what the display panel told me.
I sighed a little in relief. I just wanted to get home as soon as possible. I was frustrated and for some reason really tired out.
I checked my phone.
23:16.

“Hey, girl, aren’t you afraid of being all alone so late?” Someone suddenly asked me. I looked to my right. A few meters away there was some strange guy with a beer bottle in his hand grinning at me.
I bit my lip and looked away.
“Are you dumb or you just don’t want to talk?”
I was just trying to avoid him so I looked at my phone pretending to be busy. He laughed but eventually left me alone.

When the train arrived I took a seat somewhere no one was near me. The train was nearly empty anyway.
I took another look at my phone.
No new messages.
I don’t know what I was waiting for. Suddenly my sight became blurry and before I could realize a few tears fell down on the display. I wiped them away with my finger quickly and then dried my eyes.
I wouldn’t be crying now I decided.
I put my phone into my purse and leaned my head against the window. The vibrations were humming inside my head but it didn’t bother me.
40 minutes until I would arrive at my station.
40 minutes I had driven into the ing city before because of a man who didn’t even turn up.

It was just the next station when another person entered the train. My eyes wandered into his direction.
It was a young man with a strange face.
I lifted my head and sat up properly still observing him cautiously. He took a seat right in front of me which made me feel uncomfortable.
To my relief he wasn’t paying that much attention to me.
He had black ear buds tucked in and his eyes were attached to his phone. His eyes were giving him a really strange look to be honest. They were sharp and underlined by deep, dark circles.
But what scared me the most was that he looked like he just got in a fight. On the left side of his face, the skin on his jaw line up to the cheek was blue and purple.
And then he suddenly looked up and our eyes met for a moment. I quickly escape his gaze feeling a little nervous.
Wasn’t I supposed to avoid every kind of attention from strangers?

After a little while I looked up again just to check. But the man was still starring at me with curious eyes and when he noticed me directing my attention towards him again I swear I saw a little smirk on his bruised lips.
I lowered my gaze again and hoped desperately that he wasn’t some crazy guy wanting to harm me.

“Uhm, you were crying.” He suddenly said. I was confused at first because the voice didn’t sound as scary as the man has looked. Now I returned his gaze again but just kept staring at him with widened eyes.
“Okay, sorry, you probably know that” He added and suddenly his dark aura disappeared when I noticed the nervousness in his voice and that innocent expression he suddenly had.
“Do I look that bad?” I asked with a quiet voice but the fact that I answered in first place was honestly surprising to me.
But since I didn’t mind crying in public places now, I suddenly didn’t mind so much talking to a stranger.

The boy bit on his lip holding back his answer for a moment.

“No, you look actually good but I just kinda noticed…” He stuttered, looked at the ground and then back to me again.
I let out a little sigh.
“You know, I waited for about an hour for my boyfriend and when he finally answered my call he decided that he couldn’t come.”
I don’t know why I just told him that but I couldn’t care less at that moment. The man didn’t answer right away and seemed to think about my words.
My mind was blank right now. I listened to the train chatter.

“He should have known that he would hurt you.” The man sitting in front of me decided after a while.
“Yea and I probably shouldn’t care that much. But I cried anyway. I kind of really like that guy and it was my birthday today so I was really looking forward to that date…” I was vomiting words and trying to put them together in useless sentences.
His eyes widened a little and then he said: “Oh, happy birthday then”
And after he has realized what he just has said he spoke up again: “I mean, I guess it was not that happy but I just, you know… I just wish you the best and I hope you will be happy again soon and smiling. I bet smiling suits you a lot.”
A moment of silence followed. He was the first one today to tell me such nice things that actually meant something sincerely. I didn’t know though why they meant so much to me but I felt better.
Suddenly the stranger himself was smiling brightly and I was surprised at how cute he actually could look doing so.
“Just as I thought, it really does!” He said with an excited voice as I noticed that I was smiling too all along.
And then we laughed together, quietly but it cheered me up a little.

“Maybe if I told you that I had a ty day as well you will feel a little bit better.” The man said still smiling warmly. I frowned at his words.
“Why should other people’s misery make me feel better?” I asked him sincerely and I heard him letting out a Ha! and then saying: “That’s exactly what I think! But it seems to appeal to the most people though.”
My facial expression became softer and then I lowered my gaze and thought about his words for a moment.
“What happened to you?”
A pause.

“My mother ran away today and my father was punching me because my presence pissed him off”
I looked at him in surprise but his expression was blank.
That explains a lot. I thought.
“And so I ran away, too.” He stopped talking then and just quietly observed my face.
“And where are you going now?”
I felt so relieved when he was smiling again. “To my new apartment.”
Oh! I formed with my lips and then he continued: “I just got the keys yesterday but there is no furniture or anything at all. But I guess I can spend the night there quietly at least.”
“Aren’t you worried about your parents?”
He was just staring at me for a little while when he said: “No, I’m used to their fighting. That’s how I remember them being since I was little. I’m just happy that I can move out finally.”
His expression didn’t reveal anything. I was confused by his words, by those nonchalant sounding words.
I had always been very close with my parents but I clearly understood that every person was different and this man sitting right in front of me was probably dealing differently with situations than I would.

In the end the train ride wasn’t as scary and lonely as I thought it would be.
I found out a lot about this stranger today. Apparently he was moving in with his best friend and that they were college students. I told him that I was graduating this year from high school and there were also many things we spoke about including interests but also opinions and thoughts on different topics.

I was hit by reality again when I arrived at my station.
“Oh, , I almost missed it! I have to go now. Thank you for everything.” I showed him a bright smile.
The stranger looked a little surprised when I suddenly stood up but then he replied with a shy smile and nodded still a little perplexed.
I rushed out of the door and found myself on the subway platform again.
The doors closed behind me.

I didn’t even ask for his name.

I turned myself and looked back. Through the window glass I saw the man still sitting there. He was looking at the ground with a sad smile on his face.
The train started to move and I felt my chest tighten again.
But now a different person was the cause of that.
Maybe it was because we have parted too suddenly, but actually it felt different this time.

I felt at ease. I was fine.

I thought I would cry tonight. I was convinced that I would cry after I hung up on Jongdae. I would cry as soon as I would get home.

But I didn’t.