(and save juliet)

//

i.

they don’t even have a well thought plan when they decide to kindly “borrow” jessica’s brother’s car, Nicole taking on the role of the driver, adrenaline pumping in her blood as oil does in a running machine. They just pack their bags and are out of the city by night, hood down and eyes trying to grasp the beauty in the fast moving scenery around them.

They don’t really talk much, they don’t really do much, just drive and drive, stop by some gas station to make sure they don’t find themselves in the middle of nowhere with not much on them, and drive again.

It’s simplistic and not all that fantastic like the books they read in high school at night under the covers, afraid their parents will burst into their rooms at the exact moment the succulent and forbidden scene happens

But they never were fairytale girls to begin with.

ii.

Jessica is anything but silver. Golden hair framing a face touched not by mortality but by Aphrodite herself, sculpted by the most skilled of angels every night throughout her childhood and protected by the clumsy touches of puberty.

She doesn’t really talk much, afraid words would shatter the beautiful illusion such visage creates to protect the timid and naïve romantic she is inside, nature kept captive with threads of silver—the irony, oh sweet irony—and only let out when the world is silent and the lake behind her house is ushering her to tell him stories. What lover is greater than him, reflecting her and not—her.

She’s a silver starlet, alright. A west coast babe born in a cruel, cruel word and driven to let her caged voice out in the most run down of pubs, shame painting her cheeks whenever erted and inappropriate stares are thrown at her by drunken men sinking themselves down in an ocean of cheap alcohol and great dreams of a better life like the one their high school friends have now.

A Shakespearian tragedy wrapped in the finest of clothes, red lips and smoky make up.

//

She never dared label the feeling she has towards Nicole as jealousy, too harsh of a word, too bold for someone like her. She would rather call it—admiration. Yes, admiration in the worse of ways, but admiration nevertheless.

You see, Nicole has never been one to shy away or hide between flowery and pompous words, always blunt and fearless, night dripping from her hair the way ink splashes on white paper when poor college students try to make a living by writing sob stories in hopes of fame.

While Jessica’s lips were red, Nicole’s were hell, painted with fire and dipped in acid, addicting, addicting, addicting, no way out of the curses masked in spells she whispers in her ear in alleys, both too intoxicated by youth and curiosity to care too much about anything.

She isn’t falling but she would.

//

Nicole fell twice and Jessica thrice. All crushes, coming and disappearing so fast they couldn’t even burn the memory of it in their mind.

It is always like this, between real and fictional, trapped in a world as thin as paper and as ephemeral as a butterfly.

Jessica always envied—another harsh word—Nicole for always feeling everything so greatly, for living the moment while she never dedicated herself completely to something, not even to the innocent love she had for the girl, always stopping halfway and looking back at it now,  it was anything but innocent.

In high school, most of it happened. No surprise. In empty classroom, secret eye contact and murmured words on the hallways, brief touches and promised adventures none committed to.

They were just like the stories started by literature students and never finished, a manuscript that’s never been read twice.

 iii.

They meet mark on their third day on the road. The decided to slow down and just enjoy the night, hair losing its shape and becoming one with the air. 

Jessica is the first to notice the lone figure walking on the side of the road, backpack strap in a strong grip, head down and eyes on his feet. Nicole is the one to call out, pulling the car beside him and nodding her head towards the backseat.

It’s a weird connection, not the one you’d expect like in the movies. Mark is the missing piece of puzzle that doesn’t quite fit but breaks and bends and shapeshifts to and in a way, this is the beginning of the true rapture in the universe, the falling of the milky way on their lips dripping stars.

His hair is red and eyes dark, flawless creature with flaws at the reach of fingertips, masked by honesty and reality,  danger, danger, danger in his name, mixed with goodbye and sadness and a see you never that isn’t really meant for them and in a way is.

But they drive away and start the radio, the night becoming day and the day night and it’s as close to the road trip they craved as it can be.

Mark was never the fairytale prince either.

//

Jessica shares her snacks with him, hand trembling when their fingers touch, heart jumping at the ghost of the smile he gives her and she turns her head away, cheeks flushed  and eye closed while Nicole shares her pepsi cola with him, no straw no nothing.

They talk about high school when they stop and sit on the grass, ants crawling on their boots and Jessica listens carefully all the while playing with a little spider who has found his way on her lap (she has nothing to say—all her memories are with Nicole but not all of nicole’s are with her) and about college and future dreams when they’re on the road again, mouths filling with air and dust, the sun rising and going down before them like a great actor exiting the scene and welcoming the crowd again in the morning, same outfit, same charisma, same everything.

They’re all filled with figures of speech and poetry, expectations high for they were fed with unrealistic dreams by authors who know nothing of how terrifying the realization that it will never be like that is. They jam to Arctic Monkey and pretend they’re someone famous on Broadway and really, it’s something innocent and destroying.

They’re all ticking bombs waiting for the signal to explode.

iv.

They rent a room in a motel that has a pool on their fifth day, all sick of driving and overall too tired. They all want to buy booze and snacks to suffice them for the rest of the day and decide to share a room.

Nicole doesn’t bat an eye while Jessica flushes, huffs and puffs as she walks behind them, cursing the other girl for not being so shy.

They don’t use the bed, opting for the cold floor and Jessica pretends at night that she doesn’t see the sly fingers riding higher and higher up Nicole’s blouse and Nicole pretends she doesn’t see Mark staring at the blonde.

It’s a lie. A delicious lie they all let themselves be caught it.

//

The brunette is away and they find themselves on the balcony, Jessica jumping up and down to avoid the cockroach and he, leaning on the balustrade and trying to light his cigarette up, beginning to feel annoyed by the wind blowing out the flame.

But there are suddenly two hands cupped around the lighter, a forehead pressed against his with golden locks falling recklessly in front of his eyes and he feels the toxic smoke entering his lungs and—she stumbles back, her own cigarette between lithe fingers, eyes staring into his and not quite.

They don’t exchange a word, merely sitting in the same position and drinking each other’s figures and features until the doors open and Mark walks past her to help Nicole with the groceries.

Jessica remains behind and only comes to join them 5 minutes after.

//

Nicole paints his neck and the tips of his fingers in red, his vision blood and crumpled  heart beating frantically against her ribcage as body move under neon light in an unmatched rhythm, trying to keep up with the other but ending up being in different worlds, different times, different minds.

Because Jessica is outside, smoking away the ocean of emotions while leaning against the door with a too warm bear for the weather in her hands, calling him in his mind to her, whispering odes and promises, but he only hears the murmurs.

It doesn’t hurt as much as it should,  considering how the walls seem like enclosing around her and the erted sound of skin slapping is the only thing she can hear, like drums announcing the start of the war in a  land she didn’t know she is part of.

Of course, this is the only way this whole relationship of theirs could end.

//

“ Did you sleep well?”

“Yes, unless you count the annoying bugs a bother.”

“Oh”

They don’t say anything else, and they don’t have the opportunity to anyways as Nicole exits the bathroom and runs her fingers through Jessica’s hair before pressing a wet kiss on Mark’s lips, the bruises on her neck and shoulder blade blatantly displayed, a mockery of everything Jessica is or will be feeling.

//

She tries hard not to pull the wheel off as Mark continues to bop his head to the music coming from the broken stereo of the car, all twisted and sounding nothing like the original track but they’ve been listening to the old thing for so long, it would be unnatural to actually hear the real thing.

Jessica wants to catch his wandering fingers on his thigh and snap them and laugh and laugh, as he clutches them to his chest because you, you can at least feel and hold them you piece of , but what about my ing heart?

What about me?

She does nothing when he puts his hand on hers and pulls the car on the side of the road, tugging her on the backseat and whispering the same ing words he whispered to Nicole only some nights before. She says nothing when his tongue crashes onto the brunette’s name and takes two seconds more to actually let her name out, swearing and cursing his rebellious tongue in his mind for almost letting the empire of lies he has built crumble to the pits of hell, broken, broken, broken.

Jessica simply goes back to being the forgotten silver starlet and put on a smile so bright she should take on Lucifer’s name as they return to the motel and Nicole engulfs them both in a tight embrace, arms lingering around Mark’s figure more than they do on her.

She just picks up the pieces that have fallen out of her hair in the bathroom and washes away every single touch of his in an attempt to not think too much about it.

She does.

She moans at night and writhers in her bed as if trying to find his warmth but finds nothing but intertwined fingers that aren’t hers.

It’s okay.

//

They decide to stay at the motel for a few more nights before they venture on the road again with no particular destination on their mind, ride or die, right? Just ing ride.

The blonde does so before them all, suddenly packing her bags and leaving a short note behind telling them she’s going away for three days or so, certainly coming back and certainly taking the car with her.

They don’t question it and merely continue doing their thing and she wishes deep inside they would’ve, at least ask themselves, why.

v.

She meets Jinri on a cold night while drinking from the cheap bottle of vodka she got at a little market on the road. She doesn’t really ask much about her; they’re both nameless wanderers aching for something only the feeling of having the wind caressing their faces with the hood of the car down can give them, what’s the point in knowing the sob stories behind immortally young faces?

They click as soon as their eyes meet, some kind of bond that’s too ed up for both of them to try to understand it, almost as ed up as the desire in their heart and they take it out on each other behind the car, sin masked by the cage of metal that’s more liberating than their homes or friends. They shed their skin, nails ripping it off as they transform into lionesses, spilling blood and tears in a quest for humankinds’ most deadly disease—love.

Jinri’s skin is soft, almost untouched by time, different from his, so, so warm just for her, begging to be have her body hold close to her mounds and whispered kind words into her ear.

They both wake up in the morning holding onto each other and they both see someone they shouldn’t in one another.

It’s some kind of deal they signed for the devil, it seems. Some kind of agreement that could take down churches but it, to be honest. With two bottles of strong alcohol, they become the priestesses of the church in the west.

//

It feels cold, almost as if winter has settled in the usually warm room they have rented, so much colder compared to the warmth Jinri’s hands gives her own. Nicole doesn’t quite look at her and Mark is silently observing Jinri—jessica may admit it was a rush decision to suddenly announce she’s her lover, but Jinri didn’t seem to mind that much, cheek flushing red and giving her fingers a squeeze but they both know this ain’t love, an illusion they have created to sooth their breaking heart and prevent themselves from completely crumbling to their wish-they-were-actually-lovers’  feet.—while the youngest smiles as if there’s nothing wrong with the atmosphere.

Nicole stops giving her as many smiles as before and it might have something to do with the fact that at the end of the night Jinri came by to be introduced to her “friends”, Jessica packed her bags and stayed the rest of the days in Jinri’s room.

She doesn’t really care, to be honest, because, you see, Jinri does that thing where she traces her bones and it feels like love and warm cola and that’s what she’s been looking for.

//

Two days before leaving the motel, the four of them decide to stop at the beach and sleep by the bonfire, although nobody asked Jinri’s opinion, avoiding Jessica’s furious stares.

Perhaps it is because of the alcohol, perhaps because this is where her soul lies, but the truth is that after several bottles of beer, three love songs skipped and bad jokes, she finds herself sandwiched between her past and present, bodies moving to the rhythm of the song clumsily, hands slyly grasping the loop in their hearts and tugging at them, mouths uniting and words not let out for the sake of the moment.

They start a fire inside of them, one they can’t put out no matter what they try calling each other, and it feels like home, it feels like all the winters Jessica was left alone because the biggest and most important ballroom was happening and god forbid her parents miss it and Nicole would get through the window before they left, wrap her arms around Jessica and eat badly made food and they missed this, they missed this and will miss it.

They fall asleep and the singer finds herself whispering a thousand “sorrys”” into jinri’s ear, lying to herself that no, she didn’t see the all-knowing smile she has had throughout the whole dance as she stared at the trio, that no, she did not purposely ignored it because how could she understand the bond the three of them share.

//

Nicole wonders whether it’s all worth it, whether all the miles they’ve driven is strong enough to break what she and Jessica have and Jessica realizes in that moment that Nicole is the past, mark the present and jinri’s the future and none of them can be anything else.

//

“ One more month and we’re in college”

It’s a rare moment, they both know. It’s perhaps the first time in a while they have found themselves alone and casually on lollipops, feet dipped into the lukewarm water of  the dirty pool, on their last day at the motel. Mark and Jinri have offered to do the groceries today. It is more of a plan, the both of them have, as if they wish deep inside they would terminate their relationship.

“ I didn’t get in.”

“What?”

Nicole doesn’t answer, the weight lifted by confessing the dirty little secret she has been keeping inside of her ever since before they started this whole madness of a trip chocking her and killing her even more than when it was confined.

She knew what this means, she  had a feeling from the beginning what this means, and Mark’s arrival into their lives only further proved that she was indeed right.

Jessica feels like her entire world has been conquered by darkness and the overly sweet lollipop turned sour.

//

Mark doesn’t know whether he is actually jealous of Jinri or just is the feeling of something of his being taken away out of a sudden that he’s feeling. All he knows is that he wouldn’t mind wrapping his fingers around her neck and snapping in in half with a soft sound, so calming.

He gives a smile and takes the bags from her hands, eyes not brothering to mask the disgust he feels towards the petite girl and the way she wraps her arms around Jessica’s figure, so effortlessly pressing a kiss to her lips when he claimed every part of her before she did.

//

When they get into the car, luggage cramped in the trunk and they start the radio, she realizes Mark has repaired it and she bites so hard on her bottom lip, her teeth turn red, never has she been so true to her nature, she believes seconds after and really, this is the end and he’s a son of a for knowing what he’s done implies and doing it anyways.

//

Halfway through the road back home, Jessica asks Jinri if she wants to stay with her and move in together—she still can’t believe they both are going to the same college. What an irony, huh—and Nicole closes her eyes and puts her hand over to prevent herself from puking her guts out when she hears the excitement and happiness in Jinri’s voice before she throws her arms around jessica’s neck and pulls her closer to her.

Mark decides to ignore the victorious glint in the younger’s eyes when he raises his gaze and stares into the rear mirror.

vi.

Are we dating?

Are we ing?

Are best friends?

Are we something?

And between that, I wish we never ed,

And I mean that.

Jessica wishes Mark didn’t repair the goddamn radio and she wishes she didn’t recognize the song they’ve been listening ever since they met him, lyrics much clearer now.

vii.

They part ways in front of jessica’s apartment, Nicole and Mark taking their bags out of her car’s trunk and handing her the keys, standing still as they watch Jessica hesitate in taking the car keys from Nicole.

This is the end, they all know that.

And it’s so ed up, they’re ed up for saying “goodbye” with a smile on their faces when there’s pieces of their hearts in between the space between their teeth, such ing liars, such ing ed up people.

But they continue to smile even when they turn around, hands curled into fists as their fingers dig into the skin of their palm, still smile when they look up minutes after Jessica has entered her apartment, still smile when they see her looking out the window and down at them, and she smiles and nods when they both whisper “I love you” before walking away and Jinri’s undressing and kissing her neck.

They all knew this couldn’t end in anything but tragedy and somehow, they also know this was the universe’s wish as Jessica’s brother’s car breaks down beyond repair the day after the end of the trip.

Huh.

There ain’t no better ending than this.

viii.

I’m a ghost and you know this

This is why you loved me in the

First place.

And as time waits for no one,

You think you could seduce

The gods into letting you

Have your heart broken,

Such twisted, show, my

Dear.

You’d rather waste your time

On heartbreaks than

On happiness.