“Thish ish delish,” Chanyeol proclaims between bites of egg.  “Thanksh Dodo”

“There’s a lot more.” D.O. gestures to the giant plates of omelet, frittata, and scrambled eggs on the table--the product of 2 leftover ostrich eggs and multiple frying pans.

“At least some of the eggs got put into good use.” Suho sighs.  And good thing my parents don't check my credit card bill.

On Lay's laptop, Exo News’ coverage of last night’s Homecoming Parade is playing.   D.O. watches with mounting horror as the memories he tried to bury are brought rudely to surface.   Jessica and Kris getting too friendly. His "punches."  His tearful speech. Kris’ vacant expression and Jessica’s furious one.  The athletes, carrying his limp body off the float and chanting “Dumpster dive!”  The headlines: A Glee-ful homecoming? Not for this Exo High student.

“Oh my god.” D.O. closes his eyes in despair.  This is not the kind of publicity he wanted.

“So that’s why the cameras started following our float!”  Baekhyun pats a squirming D.O. on the shoulder.  “The crying speech was a nice touch. You really looked like you thought you were going to die."

Chen nods in agreement.  “You know, you have great acting potential. Obviously you’re not as talented as I am, but if you’re ever interested in joining our future drama club productions...”

As D.O. fends off his first drama offer, Chanyeol rewinds to Kris and Jessica's not-exactly-appropriate-for-public-broadcast display. “Did you guys see Kris though?  Man, of course he gets the prettiest girl in school.”

“She’s not that pretty,” Suho mutters into his omelet. 

"I bet her GPA is only like a 3.99," D.O. whispers comfortingly.

“Dude, you nerds have no taste. She is gorgeous!  Speaking of chicks, how's it going with your girlfriend, Kai?"

At the question, Kai looks up from his phone in panic.  “She’s not my girlfriend! I mean--who?"

"...the person you're always texting?"

"Her name is Mintea.  And he calls himself Bubbletea," Lay reports, leaning over.  "Cute."

"Lame," Chanyeol corrects.

Redfaced, Kai slams a hand over his phone screen.  "Stop reading my chats!"

"Is she hot?"

"Wha-it's the inside that's more important!" Kai says.  His proclamation is met with a roomful of snorts.  Even Suho shakes his head. 

"Where did you meet her?" D.O, at least, tries to be supportive

"Uh..." The Dancing section of Yahoo! Help.  "A party. A really awesome party."

Chanyeol nods in approval, before returning to his original point.  

"So like I was saying, Kris better have asked Jessica out already or I will be totally disappointed in him as a man..."

---

“You’re going to ask me out at Taeyeon’s birthday party next Saturday.”

“...I am?”

“Mm hm.” Jessica tosses her gleaming blonde ponytail as she speeds down the street at what is definitely above 25mph.  “It's perfect!  Everyone who matters will be there. And can you imagine the look on Tae’s face when I upshow her at her own party? Ha!

“…”

“Oh. Sorry.” Jessica giggles as she narrowly avoids hitting a fire hydrant.  “You must be wondering where we’re going right now. I’m taking you to the mall! Obviously, I can’t have you looking anything less than perfect when you publicly make me your girlfriend.  For example, your eyebrows need serious work and those roots need to be retouched.  And of course, we’re going to have to plan matching outfits…”  

As Kris pulls down the mirror to examine his eyebrows self-consciously, the car screeches to a violent stop. Kris narrowly misses banging his head against the mirror.  

“Look, Jessica, I kinda have my own style already and pink isn't really my style…”

His voice breaks off into a pained yelp, as Jessica suddenly grips his arms with her perfectly manicured fingernails.  In a second, her sweet smile disappears, replaced by an expression that sends chills down Kris’s back. 

“All right, listen up, because I am not going to repeat myself. I don't know if you're aware of this, but I come from a long line of royalty.  My mom, all my aunts, my grandmom, and great-grandma, were all Exo Prom Queens back in their day. This is what's going to happen: We are going to become Exo’s golden couple. Everyone is going to love us.  I am going to win the Prom Queen tiara I've been preparing for my entire life. And if you stand in my way, you are not going to have any balls left at the end of the year.  Got it?!”

Jessica smiles sweetly. Kris gapes. Who knew that behind that seemingly angelic head lay pure evil?  How did he end up with a female Suho?

Jessica's nails dig deeper.  “We have 7 months until prom to build up our reputations.  You are not going to mess it up for me, not you nor your little boyfriend--”

“Wh-what boyfriend—“ Kris' head is spinning.

“Oh come on. I’ve seen the half- photos on your phone.”

"You looked through my phone?” Kris' voice climbs to a shriek.

“I have to say, he’s surprisingly fit for a nerd.  Look, Kris, I don't care if you’re into type-A midgets with a permanent stick up their . I always knew you were weird anyway.  Just look hot and pretend to worship me in public, and we’re golden. Don’t make me regret picking you.”

Oh, Kris is regretting it already.

“How did Xiumin and Taeyeon manage to win Homecoming King and Queen, anyway?” Jessica complains as she drags Kris toward the mall entrance.  Several passerbys pause to admire the picture-perfect couple.  “I thought you had it in the bag!  Ugh, whatever.  Start working on your speech for asking me out and send me a rough draft by tonight please.  Oh, and I like roses. But dethorn them first...”

Four hours later, a cheerful Jessica drops off a shell-shocked Kris by his front lawn.  He’s been subjected to a facial peel, eyebrow wax, manicure, and countless other procedures that he can’t even name.  His skin feels strangely squishy.  He's wearing stiff new clothing that Jessica selected for him. His head is spinning from his newest dye job and Jessica's endless chatter about the intricate dating history of the entire cheerleading squad.  And he feels completely stripped of his masculinity.

"Hey captain--whoa!" Kai emerges from Suho's front door, followed by Sehun.  Both are dressed in surgical scrubs and gloves and masks. “What happened to you?

“What happened to you?" Kris counters, taking in their strange appearance.  

"This? Suho has gone crazy!" Kai pulls down his mask and launches into recounting his day's work.  "First. He made us wear these so we wouldn't 'contaminate' his house.  Then he made us clean the house twice. And wash all the sheets three times. Then we had to go out and buy a bunch of groceries and fancy plates and stuff even though I’ve never seen him cook. And we had to dump out like half of the food to make it look like he's been using them. Then he made us put away all his nerd documentaries--all 210 of them, he made us count--and replace them with normal movies. I didn't even know Suho owned chick flicks! Then we had to take out all his trophies from this year and put them all around the house at '1-foot intevals.' Then he made us hang up all these paintings of…”

"...horses," Kris finishes.

"Wait, how did you know?"

"They're his mom's favorites." 

"Suho has parents?"  Sehun disappointedly chucks out his secret theory that Suho is factory-made robot. "What are they like?"

“...rich.”

Kris walks around the block until he’s sure Kai and Sehun have disappeared, before going up to Suho's front door and pressing the buzzer.

Suho takes one look at Kris’ person, and starts coughing.

“What!” Kris snaps, tugging self-consciously at his hair.

“I was going to ask how your date with Barbie went, but I can see she’s already turned you into a real-life Ken doll."

"I don't wanna talk about it," Kris grumbles. He peers past Suho, into the saran-wrapped hallway.  "So.  Your parents are back?"  As always, Kris has the subtlety of a buffalo.

"I suppose.  I mean, so what? I just thought some spring cleaning was long overdue."  

Kris decides not to argue.  "How long are they here for?”

“They're coming in four days and flying out after Thanksgiving." 

Kris counts the weeks on his fingers; that's a whole month in Exo then.  "Wow, that's like a record or something." 

"Yes, well, we aren't all blessed with parents who care," Suho replies stiffly, already turning away.

"Come on, I didn't mean--"

"Anyway, I'm going to be extremely busy for the next few days, so I don't have time to attend to your . I'm assuming that's why you're here. Go ask Barbie instead; your tongues seem well acquainted enough already."

By the time Kris formulates a response, he's greeted by a slammed door in his face.

"Wait, are you jealous?"

---

"So what was the super secret thing you want to talk about?" Sehun pays for the two bubble teas with the $100 bill Suho had awarded him half an hour ago.  The cashier takes the bill with an incredulous expression.

 “I…kinda met someone. A girl.”

Sehun chokes on a tapioca ball.  “You talk to girls?”

“Ha, ha.  Anyway.  When Lay and I were choreographing that Glee dance last week, I was asking for some advice online, because well…you know...I can’t take lessons or else everyone will find out and laugh at me.  Anyway, this girl answered—“

"Wait, you met this person online?  You know she could actually be some old creepy e trying to kidnap you, right?"

"She’s not!   Let me finish!  She said she was a dancer and she sent me some of her videos.  And she's so amazing!" Sehun is alarmed to see hearts practically dancing in his best friend’s eyes.  Warily, he takes Kai's phone.  

A small, slender girl with her long hair tied up in a ponytail dances to Michael Jackson, accompanied by loud cheers and applause.  As the video ends, she beams into the camera and bows.  Sehun has to admit, she is pretty cute.

"We're gonna video chat tonight." Kai tugs on his hair nervously.  "She said she'll teach me some dance steps. Do you think I should wear exercise clothes?  I wanted to wear something nice...because, it's kind of like a date, right?"

Sehun thinks it's hilarious how the freshman heartthrob of Exo High can be reduced to a shy mess at the prospect of chatting with a pretty and talented dancer.  If the girls at Exo High knew the real Kai, they would be lining up for ballet and hip hop lessons.

"Well, if you're still using that awful webcam of yours, I don't think she'll be able to tell the difference." Kai deflates.  "How old is she anyway? And what's her name?"

Kai frowns.  "Why? Don't tell me you're interested."

"Jeez, relax. I'm just curious."

Still giving him a suspicious look, Kai shows Sehun his chat history.

Sehun bursts into laughter as he reads through Kai's painful attempts at flirting.  Correction: If the girls at Exo high knew the real Kai, they would be turned off by how lame he is.  "Is that why you ordered the mint bubble tea today?"

"Shut up!  It's for good luck, ok?" Kai kicks him as he grabs his phone back.  "Now it’s your turn! You have to tell me about the person you like!"

Sehun rolls his eyes. "Wow, Kai, how junior high can you get?" he says, with all the superiority of someone who's only a few months out of eighth grade himself.

"Come on, I'll be your wingman!  I'm on the basketball team now, so I can totally hook you up with anyone! Is she a cheerleader? Is she in our year?  Is it Krystal? Sulli?  Or is she older?  Oh my god, It's Miss Kwon, isn't it? I knew you had a crush on her--"

"Tao Huang.”

"Tao--wait, you mean the criminal TAO HUANG?"

Bubbletea: You need serious help
Bubbletea: What is wrong with you
Bubbletea: I heard he went to juvie for selling people’s organs
Bubbletea: Also hes not actually a freshman u know hes kinda old bc he got held back 
Bubbletea: Unless you’re into that…?
Bubbletea: Also once I was walking Monggu and we passed by Tao =[[[[ and Monggu whined really loudly!!!
Bubbletea: Monggu is a very good judge of character
Bubbletea: Sehun 10 more minutes and I’m going to meet her!!!
Bubbletea: please please please help I’m freaking out I need help
Bubbletea: Where are you?
Bubbletea: What if she thinks I look really stupid?
Bubbletea: What if I’m really bad at dancing?
Bubbletea: SEHUN
Bubbletea: OMG SHE LOGGED IN
Bubbletea: SHE SAID HI
Bubbletea: OMG WR VdiocHATING NOW
Bubbletea: OMG I SEE HR FACE
Bubbletea: OMG SHs SPRETTY
Mintea: Haha what?
Bubbletea: OH I ACCIDENTALLY SENT THAT TO HER
Bubbletea: HELP WHAT DO I SAY TO HER??? HELP HELP SEHUN
Mintea: Btw I like your icon, are those your dogs? They’re so cute!
Bubbletea: Thanks =) Do you want to see more pictures of them? I have 4 albums.
Mintea: Sure! I love dogs <3
Bubbletea: OMG SEHUN SHES THE ONE I KNOW IT
Bubbletea: SEHUN
Bubbletea: ugh whatever man you’re useless I hate you I hope your Tao kills you 
Bubbletea has exited chat
TheReal_Bubbletea: Hey sorry I fell asleep what happened?
TheReal_Bubbletea: oh oops

A considerably more forgiving but no less hyper Kai bursts into Sehun's bedroom later that night.  

"I've decided, even though you have awful taste--"

"Why do people keep invading my room?" Sehun whines.

"--that I will help you in your quest for true love.  Because love is great and wonderful.  And I wouldn't want my best friend to miss out on it and end up an old and lonely man.  But if that happens, I'll let you borrow my puppies."

Sehun takes in Kai's stupid smile.  "I guess your date went well, huh?"

"Thanks for asking!  Yeah, it was great!" Kai drops his backpack onto Sehun's floor and flops down onto Sehun's bed with a happy sigh.  "She's so cute.  Her laugh is so cute too.  And she didn't laugh at me when I told her about Glee Club.  Actually, she seemed kinda into it!  I feel like this is destiny or something...hey, wait, is that Tao?"

Belatedly, Sehun realizes that Kai has a perfect view of the  36'' x 48'' Wushu Sensation poster taped onto his ceiling.  

"Do you seriously have a giant poster of him above your bed?”

“Um…”

“Is it so that you can stare at him as you fall asleep?" 

Sehun scrambles to remove said poster.  

"Wait...or is it so you can as you look at it?  Gross!" Kai springs up from Sehun's bed as though the sheets are on fire.

"Better than obsessing over a random girl on the internet!" Sehun screams back, mortified.

"Sehun, Kai, shut the up!" Luhan yells from downstairs.  

"Sorry! Sorry!"  Chastised, Kai reaches over to his backpack.  "Hey, it's cool! I'm not judging.  Well, maybe a little.  But I'll help, I promise!  Look, I even did some research for you!" He pulls out a huge stack of magazines, pages carefully bookmarked with sticky notes.

"...you read Seventeen?"

"They're my sisters'. And don't diss; they have tons of advice on how to get guys to notice you."

"I don't know..." Sehun looks doubtfully at the glossy covers. Somehow, he doesn't think he fits in their demographic.

"Both my sisters have boyfriends, so it must work."

An hour of intense research later, Sehun and Kai aren’t so sure. 

"Okay, so I have to be flirty.  But not come on too strong.  But be assertive.  And be 'one of the guys.'  And be classy and elegant." Sehun summarizes his notes.  "...all at the same time?"

"I think so?"

"What if he attacks me with his Wushu stick?"

"Uh..." Kai filps through his notepad.  "Hm, they don't really mention that."

“This is stupid.”

Later that week, they put their newfound knowledge into practice. As the familiar bass intro to Tao's routine begins, Kai pushes a very reluctant Sehun off the barstool and toward the audience crowed around the stage. Near the front, Tao's fans are gathered, waving fives and twenties in their hands.  Sehun glares at them.

"Ok, so step 1," Kai whispers as they squeeze their way to the front row. "Eye contact."

Sehun locks his eyes onto Tao's abs, feeling a bit overwhelmed. He's never been so close to Tao's chest before. The poster definitely does not compare to real-life Tao. Sehun can actually see all his muscles tightening as he dances.

"On his face, dumbo. The July Issue says you have to show him that you don't objectify him, remember? "  

Sehun slides his eyes up to Tao's torso, to his nose, lips, and eyes...oh wow, he's so handsome...

"Step 2, Assert your interest."

"How?" Sehun watches anxiously as people begin stuffing bills into Tao’s costume. “He’s never going to notice me...”

"Call out his name or something. HEY Y!" Kai yells. 

"Kai! What are you doing--"

A pair of smoky-eyeshadow-lined eyes turn in their direction.  Sehun gasps out loud as Tao's gaze lands on him. 

"Don't look away!" Kai hisses.  "Maintain eye contact.  Ok, now look flirty."

Sehun pulls his lips together.

"Flirty, not constipated!"

Sehun isn't really listening anymore.  Tao continues his routine, but his sharp eyes remain fixed on Sehun's wide ones.  Wow, is Tao actually...interested? With every second, Sehun's brain is slowly decomposing into mush.   Minus that thrilling "hi" in the hallway a month ago, he's never made eye contact with Tao before.  Does Tao still remember him?

Thankfully for Sehun’s heart, the routine comes to a close.  Tao disappears quickly backstage amidst loud cheers and catcalls, but Sehun is too dazed to care.

“See, I told you those girl magazines would help!”

“Yeah..."

Apparently Sehun’s heart is not meant to stay calm tonight, though, because a few minutes later he feels a tap on his shoulder and hears Kai whisper "Holy ."  Sehun whirls around and nearly faints from shock. 

Tao is literally right up in his face.

"Hey." Tao's soft voice cuts into Sehun's mental hyperventilation.  

"H-hey. Wait m-me?"   

Tao nods.  Sehun decides that he's a billion times more handsome up close.  "Can we talk somewhere in private?"

"Yes!" Sehun cries eagerly.  

Belatedly, he remembers the advice from the February issue: Play it cool. Guys like a bit of mystery.

"Get it, man!" Kai whispers and pats Sehun's back as Sehun follows Tao out the club. Kai really is the best wingman ever; Sehun makes a note not to about his pathetic internet crush anymore.  

The moment they're outside, a solid body slams into his and he feels his back collide against the wall. 

Wait, what's going on?  

"Are you spying on me?" Tao asks calmly as he holds Sehun by the throat.

“W-What?!” Sehun gasps.  He’s imagined getting up close and personal to Tao too many times (and not in the way Kai thinks, ok??), but reality is a bit different. There's no field of flowers. And there's a distinct lack of romantic music playing in the background.  And Tao's eyes look like they're burning more with hostility than with tortured passion.

"I know you. You go to our school. You're the one who..." Tao trails off, eyes narrowed, as he pushes his face right up against Sehun's. He shoves Sehun harder against the wall. "Are you trying to blackmail me?  Because if you tell anyone about what you've seen tonight, I will cut your tongue out and feed them to the squirrels in History Park."

"I..." With Tao's hands practically choking the breath out of him and the other boy's nose a centimeter away from his own, Sehun is getting a bit lightheaded. He can't tell whether he's or terrified.  Or both. "No..."

"I can't hear you.  Speak louder."

Still gasping for oxygen, Sehun manages to pull out the giant Wushu Sensation poster roll he bought along with him.  He shoves it at Tao. "A-autograph?"

Blinking in surprise, Tao lets go.  Sehun collapses to the ground, coughing and clutching at his throat.  Ok, so maybe Luhan and Kai had a point about the whole 'criminal' thing.

Here is the 17 mag WEBSITE; visit if you want to learn how to get ur flirt on & snag a hottie like Tao ;)