First of all, i’m sorry i end this abruptly.

I’m sorry.

Three years have passed since Kyungsoo left.

I woke up this morning and no matter how hard I try, I can't recall his face. I can't remember how he used to smile at me, how he looked when he is in deep thought, his sullen face when I don’t have time for him, I can't remember anything at all.

Can we really forget the person we love?

It's the same case for my mother – I can't remember her either. When my father finally told me the truth about her suffering from cancer for years, about her not actually leaving us, about her death, I was waiting for some kind of pain to hit me. I waited but I didn't  feel a thing. Like someone else had taken over my body and stolen my memory. Like the me now, is not actually me. Do you understand? It must be confusing for you. So I was saying that the other me – the Jongin that would cry and have all my memories is not living here anymore. I’m the one who is still living in nothing but an empty shell.

If Kyungsoo were here, I would tell him how afraid I am and how much I need him. I think I would beg him to fill this emptiness. I'd want to do everyhing in the universe with him. I know that I shouldn’t feel like this because now I have Seul Ra and my one year old son, Sang Ji. Seul Ra is a good wife and mother, yet she is not as bright as before. I think it's my fault. I think I consume all the light from her. Sometimes she wakes up at night and stares into the darkness.

I ask her, “What are you thinking about?” but then she starts crying and keeps saying sorry.

I decided to never ask her why because I'm afraid of the answer she'll give me.

Some other day, father shows me a picture of Kyungsoo and his co-workers. Kyungsoo now lives in America and is working in a small company. He look happy. I wonder if he really is happy. Is he as happy as when we were fifteen and playing games all night in the summer? Is he as happy as when we were sixteen and would sneak out of the house at midnight just to wander around the city? Is it easy to live