Before.

Their comeback is scheduled for April and the last weeks of March are all about training, dieting, sleeping during flights from China back to Korea and vise versa. Tao complains he's hungry ninety percent of the time, whereas Yixing has to make sure Minseok remembers to put something in his mouth. It's always like this – hectic and absurd, barely resembles a normal lifestyle, even though they are supposed to be used to it. Luhan tells Yixing it's not as hard as it was before, the black circles under his eyes in evident controversy with his words. Yixing agrees because even in front of Luhan, it's hard not to act strong. Smile like your life depends on it, show gratefulness towards your fans despite them being the obsessive, dangerous even, kids they often are, and never, ever dare to look tired. It's a mantra Yixing has to repeat every single morning when waking up suspiciously feels like falling in an abyss of plastic humanity you can't step out from, not really, not even in your sleep.

Indifferent hearts behind wrought up faces, suffocating screams, hands that reach out, touch, rip off, trying to destroy what they claim of loving... monsters. Yixing shouldn't think like that, oh no, he has to be thankful, and he is, he honestly is, except when the disgust takes over, and he sort of wishes all their fans could vanish in thin air or... stop it.

Yixing tries to adjust to the hell he and his band mates are all locked in but the only reason he is still sane are the lights. Hundreds of thousands of them in the darkness, sparkling as one, filling him up with warmth. When his skin is burning below the leather fabric their outfits are made of and his eyes sting with sweat and exhaustion and he can barely see the stage so he concentrates on the lights, exactly at that moment, it's worth it. The concerts, their showcases, each song played for the audience, and the lights.

“Are you sure you're not catching a cold, Xing” asks Jongdae as he lowers himself to lay down next to his friend? They are roommates here in China, but Yixing has spent the few previous nights sleeping on the kitchen floor rather than his own bed and Jongdae is worried. The latter knows better than well what the redness of Yixing's eyes mean even though his friend would never admit.

“No, just trying to sleep.”

“Why are you like this?” Yixing snorts at the question. Maybe he has heard it one too many times already. But the Korean boy couldn't care any less. If it were Baekhyun, Jongdae would give up and let things slide cause that's how Baekhyun rolls. But Yixing is the type that needs a more persuasive touch when it comes to sharing. Sometimes Jongdae asks himself whether Yixing was always like that, or are the years in the entertainment business at fault for his introvert behavior. He is more keen on believing in the second option, although with Yixing you can never really know.

“I said I am tired, Chen.”

“Yes, but I am not. Let's have some quality time together. Bonding experience.”

“It's two in the morning,” - Yixing moans after taking a glance at his phone. He turns his back on Jongdae and snuggles deeper into his cushion.

“Humor me.”

“I am not sick.”

The answer catches Jongdae off guard and the Chinese boy has to explain in his sloppy Korean that honestly, he's not sick and Jongdae can as well his back to their shared room and not waste his sleep time in playing around.

“Of course you aren't, I was leading a small talk, I'm not a nincompoop. Jesus. But seriously, Xing, you don't look good lately. What's up?”

Yixing sighs, probably aware he's not gonna get away with the “feelings-sharing-with-Jongdae” session and sits up, staring at what he thinks is his friend's face. He can't tell in the dark of the room, but the curious blink of two sleepy eyes in front of him confirms he is looking in the right direction.

“I just... I'm drowning. Like I am totally losing my focus these days.”

“It happens, Xing.”

“Yesterday Kris asked me what the date was, but I couldn't answer. I didn't even know what year it is or where I am and it's...” Yixing halts, hands running through his hair that feels dry now after all the stylizing it's been through. His body is shaking lightly, but he wraps his hands around his knees, trying to make himself tinier than he already is, resting his head on his legs, and the shaking stops. “I froze, ge. My brain literally stopped functioning at the realization that there are things as trivial as date and hour.”

“Yeah, fame can up your senses.”

“It's more than just that. This dream I've been having lately... EXO... it's, no, we are an hour glass. And all of you are the sand and I'm holding it but we are at the airport and it's crowded and it just sort of falls from my hands on the ground. It's shred to pieces, but the fans just step on it like it's nothing, ge. That horrifies me. They step on you because of what I did.”

Jongdae sighs and doesn't answer. Ever since their first hello in the practice room, he has been one to think twice before he speaks, despite the image he has gained after their debut. Fans think the says what comes to his mind when it comes to his mind but aside from his voice, his thoughtfulness must be his best feature. Yixing would consider the love to his band mates an advantage too if only it wasnot him that was having a taste from it now.

“Hyung, it has been what, three years?” It's a real question, as though Jongdae has magically forgot for how long they have been famous, because he doesn't continue until Yixing hums in approval. “Three years and fans are still trying to steal Kyungsoo's pants even though he literally glared at everybody for about a month straight like he was going to descend them all to hell. He didn't come to shows after the second time they barged in our house and barely spoke when he couldn't avoid interviews.”

Yixing doesn't mean to smile at the memory, much less to laugh, but at the last word he tosses his head back and giggles so hard he has to put a hand on his mouth or he is going to wake the others up. One worried friend is more than enough.

“What I meant to say was...” Jongdae continues after he calms down as well “it was that with eleven other members beside you and SM's remarkable ability to hush scandals up even if you, I don't know, wake up as a girl tomorrow, it still won't be a problem that we can't fix.”

Although Jongdae is totally serious, Yixing is already cracked up and the ridiculousness of his friend's assumption is exactly what he needs to burst out laughing again. The anxiety will crawl under his skin again later, that's for sure, but as the two boys try to muffle the noises by kicking each other frantically and rocking back and forth (and just end up laughing even harder), Yixing lets himself think that, like Luhan says, it's getting easier. And that he will make it somehow.

He falls asleep tangled in his sheets on the floor, hand conveniently placed over Jongdae's face. In the morning he is not very pleased from the fact his friend has drooled over it in his sleep and washes it one extra time. Jongdae pleads non-compos.

~

As usual, Luhan is the one who manages to gather his back together. He drags Yixing screaming and fighting from his bed the day after their stage in Inkigayo a few weeks later in the inhuman hour of 7:30 because six hours of sleep are absolutely enough, lazy and who is Yixing to argue with that kind of accurate argumentation. So he slips a tank top on, one of the type that shows a lot more than it hides, puts on some jeans and a hoodie and follows Luhan and his genius plan to sneak out of their house secretly and go out for a basketball match. Yixing thinks they could have just stayed home and watched The Avengers or something.

“Yeah, and feed your unhealthy obsession with Scarlett Johansson? How about no.”

Yixing cares to inform his best friend it's him who has an unhealthy obsession with the actress, but Luhan has always had the electional permeability of hearing what he wants to hear so Yixing decides it's not worth it to even try and open his mouth.

When they're in China it's so much easier to move around and pretend they are free. There are far more people, but also a lot more work to be done with less time to do it and nobody really wants to waste their precious hours in chasing two idol boys down the streets. Here in Korea they have to sneak around and sometimes Yixing likes to imagine they are working undercover for the secret services, a very important task before the brave, young detectives. It's silly, not to mention childish, but helps getting through.

They reach the playground faster than Yixing had thought and Luhan tosses him the ball. For some reason Yixing is surprised, probably having expected that the basketball thing was just meant to get him out of the dorm. They have a match and Yixing wins, Luhan grumbling that he's being a cheat. They almost end up in a fight which is tragically cut short due to Yixing calling his best friend a sausage when he runs out of cuss words and Luhan laughing so hard he starts crying, face wrinkled as he struggles to breathe. Yixing laughs too and it's really because Luhan's expressions never fail to cheer him up, because Luhan in general never fails to cheer him up.

“So Jongdae told me about your conversation,” Luhan says as they lay side by side on the ground.

Yixing muffles a snort.

“He is very good at talking, I see.”

“He is mostly just worried and you are being a .”

Oh, the faithful Luhan, you can always count on him to give you the short shrift. The image he has built for the public sometimes confuses Yixing too and during promotions there are days he actually believes Luhan is sweet and adorable and not a blunt . Today is not one of these days.

“You make me question my affection towards you, Meng Lu” Yixing says to spite him but doesn't receive the expected attitude.

“Just because unlike the others I don't treat you like a fragile lady...”

“And yet you forced me to come here and talk about feelings.”

“You wouldn't tell if I had left things the way they are. It's not fair, though, considering I tell you everything the moment it happens.”

Here we go again, Yixing sighs. Nobody ever understands that his silence is what brings peace to him and not sharing. A man of a few words, he prefers to listen and is better in it than he is in talking. If it were somebody else he would have changed the subject, but that's Luhan and he has the right to know.

“I have just been wondering lately whether it's worth it or not. The whole idol concept, I mean.”

Luhan doesn't answer immediately and Yixing doesn't look at him even if he feels the fright in his voice as he says:

“You haven't considered leaving, have you?”

“I have.”

“Will you?”

“You know I can't.”

“Nothing stops you, really.”

“A lot of things do.”

And that's that, for the time being. Yixing could give him a few reasons – the shimmering lights of the stage, it's always firstly the stage; the hours he spends with Jongin and Sehun dancing in the practice room, the latter coming a lot more often to join them these days than he has had before; his music that Baekhyun and Jongdae help him with when he needs more powerful vocals; his family is so proud of him, rooting for his success and even his grandmother who these days is more often sick than she is healthy doesn't miss a single showcase, criticizing or praising it after. Yixing could always say the contract would be a problem too and if he left, he'd damage the band's future and... but there are only this many motives he can voice out without having to explain things to Luhan he is not exactly ready to explain.

“It's egoistic, but I am glad” Luhan says. “And also...”

“I have to get a grip, I know.”

“No. Well, yes but that's not what I was going to say. Out of all of us, it would be the biggest shame if you decide to give up on your dream. Composing is your life and I can't imagine you not being able to share your music with your fans. You know you love him even when they hurt you.”

He does. And Luhan is right, because even if he can't read music, it has always been in his movements, in the tunes of his voice, in the world he sees with his eyes. He understands music without questioning it and it's so easy to change it, play with it until it acquires the form he has wanted it to be in. Yixing can't give up on music like he can't give up on his family or his hands he composes with or Luhan who, despite being an , is always there to drag him from the plateau. And so much, at least, he can tell him.

A/N: On the unspoken question can this get any more melodramatic, I have to answer with - yes. Yes it can. xD 
Anyway, enjoy guys! ^^