11 November 2014

I found this again after such a long while and it's reminded me of a problem that I've left hanging for too long. I went off for this whole while and worked so hard to achieve my dreams but I guess it just didn't turn out as I had expected. It's really painful and hard to know that all of this will remain as an unfulfilled wrecked dream. But I should solve my problems with Junhong first before it becomes wrecked too. I left in such a hurry I barely got to speak to him at all I remember. And I haven't had the time till now to. I hope he won't be too mad but honestly part of me is afraid of trying to clear things out because things have been blurred and smudged out like paint on a canvas and I fear that I won't be able to fix it anymore because now the paint is dried and cracked. But whatever it is I still have to try because I won't ever want to lose Junhong. These years have been hard because I couldn't come back home and I realized how much I missed Junhong, even if his presence was always a silent one. I love him, mom and dad too. Now that I've lost my dream, they are the only ones I've got.

As I flip to the last page, I am a total wreck. Tears leak down my pale cheeks and blur my vision. I hold my breath unconsciously as I squint harder to read the scribbled words. Then a choking feeling rises from my throat, thick, dark and monstrous. How wrong had I been these past years? Why hadn't he told me his side of story earlier? A load of regrets and questions arise and threaten to swallow me whole. I sob uncontrollably into the cold hard mattress I had been sitting on.

I had always thought the two of us had been weighing down that one weak branch, that we had been competing against each other to survive. Now I understand that I had been the only one hanging off the cliff and that Zico had never wanted to be that thief I saw him to be. I was in a precarious position and he had been leaning off the edge of the cliff, trying to pull me up. My pride had denied myself from grabbing onto his outstretched arm and so that was how we had fallen of that cliff.

I hid my face between my to clammy palms. It was killing me that I had just realized how I had treated my brother and how he had never deserved one bit of it. He deserved so much better, so much more, but I hadn't realized. Hell, I hadn't even taken him as my brother. They say you will only learn to appreciate things when they are gone. I hate how I'm feeling like that right now.