Kevin forgot about his anger in the morning. He liked the feeling of waking up and not having an empty bed. It was both like the old times and not like the old times, since he had been used to living alone for a while now and having someone else there messed up the routine, but at the same time it was a welcome deviation.

“Do you want to come to the market with me?” Kevin asked once they were up. “It’s what I usually do on a Sunday,” he added, since he remembered that it had been what they had sometimes done together back in the old days. He didn’t want to admit how much he thought about the old days, and how much he wished they could be together again. Although it must be obvious, surely.

“Sure, if that’s what you want to do,” Kwanghee replied. He was looking down over his phone, and Kevin felt as if he was already slipping away again.

The market place was busy as usual and Kevin was pushed around a bit in the crowd. He liked it though, now that he had someone to hold on to. In truth, he did not go to the market very often these days, since it wasn’t something he liked to do alone. He liked being able to bump elbows with someone, have someone to argue and debate choices with.

They were standing side by side and surveying oranges. “What’s your new place like?” Kevin asked.

“It’s not too bad. You should come and visit sometime.”

“Okay.” They both knew that he wouldn’t.

They moved away and Kwanghee gently pulled him by the arm. Kevin was enjoying the gesture until Kwanghee stopped in his tracks and pointed to someone in the distance. “I know that guy,” he said. “He’s a friend of mine.”

Kevin inwardly groaned. He tried to be polite, but he really wasn’t interested in meeting any other friends of Kwanghee.

Kwanghee slapped his arm. “Don’t roll your eyes. You’ll like him.”

When the guy came over Kevin greeted him politely. He was rather good looking, but that did not make Kevin like him any more. “This is Siwan,” Kwanghee said. “He’s someone I know from my old work.”

Kevin felt as if Siwan was looking over him in a suspicious sort of way, but he probably just imagined it.

“And this is Kevin. He’s an old friend of mine.”

“Hey Kevin, nice to meet you.” He didn’t sound suspicious now. To Kwanghee he said: “I didn’t realise you were in town.”

“I’m only here for a couple of days and I have to go back on Wednesday. Work stuff.”

“Ah, how is your family? And your wife?”

“Same as usual I guess.”

Kevin had subconsciously taken a step back, and he had returned to looking around at the stalls.

“You know I’m having some friends over tonight,” Siwan was saying, “if you wanted to come, you’d be welcome.”

“Ah, I’m staying with Kevin, so...”

“Kevin can come to.” He looked directly at Kevin. “Did you want to?”

Kevin shrugged. “Yeah, sure, why not.”

“Great, I’ll see you tonight.”

“You didn’t have to say yes, you know,” Kwanghee told him later, when they were at home. “I’d be okay with it.”

“It doesn’t matter, it’s fine.”

They were standing by the window and Kwanghee was holding his waist. Suddenly he felt very uncomfortable, and thought about wriggling away from the embrace. He had been so eager the day before, but now he felt that their closeness had been spoiled. Indeed it had been spoiled a long time ago and Kevin was finally starting to realise just how useless it was to still be hanging on to it. He moved away entirely, then after a moment’s thought returned to hold onto Kwanghee’s hand.

“You know, I’ve been wanting to make some new friends anyway.”

“True, true,” Kwanghee murmured. “You should do that.”

***

Kevin felt rather awkward at Siwan’s house, but then again he usually felt awkward in the presence of people he didn’t know well. Siwan’s friends were particularly smart and attractive and he couldn’t help but feel somewhat out of place. They were all artistic types, working in design, photography etc. Siwan asked Kevin what it was he did, and he replied rather self consciously that he worked in insurance.

“That must be boring,” said one of the party, who was a bit drunk.

Siwan chided them. “How would you know? It might be interesting for the people doing it.”

Kevin chuckled. “No, you’re right. It’s quite boring.”

They continued to talk about their own work and Kevin lost thread of the conversation quickly. Kwanghee noticed that he was looking lost and so he squeezed his hand under the table. This gesture would have normally been comforting to Kevin, but now it filled him with a certain sorrow and it reminded him of the thing he was holding onto. After a moment he excused himself from the table.

He wandered aimlessly into the kitchen and stared into the sink. He didn’t know what he wanted to do, all he knew was that he couldn’t bear to go back to the party so easily. I’m so cowardly, he thought.

He looked up to see that Siwan had cautiously followed him into the kitchen. Feeling as if he had been caught doing something inappropriate he thought of ways to make excuses. “Is there anything you need help with?” he said stupidly.

“Of course not. You don’t have to do anything.”

Kevin didn’t say anything. He just stood there helplessly.

Siwan continued. “But you can if you want. Help me put some dishes away.” Kevin suspected that Siwan had only said that to give him an out, but he was grateful for it anyway.

“Are you dating anyone at the moment?” Siwan asked him casually and Kevin stumbled, even though by now he had become used to that question.

“Not really.”

“Not really? What does that mean?”

Kevin laughed. “It just means no.”

“It means you’re not dating anyone, but you love someone right?”

Kevin lowered his eyes. “I don’t know...”

Siwan moved in close to him and slid his hand down Kevin’s pocket. Kevin froze completely, since he had been completely unprepared for such a forward action. Is he coming on to me? Come to think of it, he seems a little drunk... Siwan pulled his phone from the pocket. “You should have my number,” he said. “If you ever have some free time, call me and we can hang out.”

Kevin dumbly agreed and they exchanged numbers. “You know, if you want to of course,” Siwan added and smiled at him. Kevin decided that he probably was a bit drunk.

Kwanghee had come to find him just as Siwan had returned to the other room. “What are doing? You were gone a long time.”

“Ah, nothing. I just didn’t feel like sitting down.”

Kwanghee stared at him blankly. “Come on, we should go home then.”

As they were leaving, Kwanghee put an arm around his waist and Kevin secretly wished that Siwan wouldn’t see it. How pathetic would I seem to him, if he knew the truth? He was almost surprised by how much he cared about it.

Late that night Kevin was still awake even after Kwanghee had gone to sleep. He sat up in bed, so that Kwanghee’s face rested against his thigh, and Kevin could his hair. You used to make me feel like the most important person in the world, he thought, and now when you go, I feel like I’m nothing.

“If you ever get lonely,” Kwanghee said as a commiseration before he left in the morning, “you can call me to chat.”

“Sure,” he said, but in the back of his mind he promised himself that he wouldn’t.

* * *

Next Saturday night Kevin was sitting alone in his house, idly rotating his phone in his hand. Some colleagues had invited him out for drinks, as they usually did, but he had declined, this time not even bothering to give an excuse.

And now here I am alone, he thought to himself, then looked down at his phone and took a deep breath. Did he really mean it when he said I should call him? There was no point in asking these questions when there is no one here to answer them. He dialed the number.

He put the phone to his ear and listened to it ring a few times. As soon as it reached the answering machine, he hung up. His heart was beating wildly. It had been worth a try.

A few seconds later the phone rang and he answered it immediately.

“Hey Kevin, it’s me, Siwan. Did you just call me?”

“Um, yeah...”

“Ah, sorry I just missed it. So, are you doing anything?”

“No, I was just wondering...”

“If you wanted to go out? Sure, let’s do it.”

Kevin smiled to himself as he put the phone away.