August 28, 2013

The words filled pages of my recently filled diary flipped freely as it sits on my desk. I stared at it for while before I can start writing. A question lingered in my mind. ‘Why do I write?’ Diary, do you know? You out of everyone would know. You’re the one who’s with from the very first day.

It’s on the day of September 27^th ten years ago. Excitement filled my little body as I waited beside the door for my mom to come home. Dad was cooking up a storm in the kitchen, bringing out one dish after another. All my favorite food. “Honey, come sit down. Mommy will be home soon,” my dad said. Pouting my lips, I went over to the dining table and sat on the closest chair to the door. The clock ticked. The big hand finally hit 12. 7pm…the door finally clicked! I jumped off the chair and ran over to the opening door. There stood mommy with at the door with cake in one hand and my present wrapped with bright pink wrapping paper in another. I flew into her arms. “Happy birthday, my princess.” I can still hear her warm voice.

Everything was wonderful, magical, just like the fairytales. I felt like a real princess, with the most caring and fantastic parents, anyone can ask for. All my favorite food was on the table. Kisses and hugs from my parents. Nothing more I want to wish for. At the end of the night, it was time for cake. Mom got me my favorite, fresh fruit vanilla cake.   It even had my favorite princess, Sleeping Beauty, on it. Finally it was present time, the time of the night that I have been looking forward to all year. Mom brought out the beautifully wrapped present from the corner. I jumped up from seat and ran to grab it. My mom chuckled at my actions, “Here you go my princess.”

“Thank you mommy!” I held the present in my tiny hands. With no hesitation I ripped the wrapping paper off. I’m pretty sure my eyes glowed at the sight of the wonderful gift, my own Princess Diary. Light powder pink suede cover with a gold heart shaped lock on the side. Mom even personalized it. In the middle of the cover, it says ‘Princess Seulgi’ in gold thread. An elegant crystal, silver key dangled off the lock. Mother helped me take it off the lock and used it to open the lock. ‘Click’ it unlocked. I smile spread across my face as the cover flipped open, exposing the pure white pages.  I flew into my mother’s arms, “Thank you Mommy!”

My mother chuckled with joy, “Aws no problem my princess.” I came down on the floor. “I know as a princess growing up, you’re going to have many moments that are happy, sad but at the end, they are all memorable. You may decide to tell me and daddy or..,” She taps me on the nose with her finger lightly, “you may decide to keep it as your own little secret. This is exactly what your Princess Diary is for. And here,” she held up beautiful key. “is the key for you to keep all those special moments safe,” mom said as she clicks the diary lock.

“Mhm,” I nodded with a bright smile on my face.

My father gave a light laugh as he came over to our little circle. “Mmhmmm, and now it’s bedtime for our little princess.”

I whined but dad, with the help of mom, convinced me to go into bed. He tuck me in. “Good night, princess,” he said after he kissed me on the forehead.

“Good night, daddy.” Before dad left the room, he laid my princess diary on the nightstand beside me. But I wasn’t ready for sleep yet. After the door closed shut behind my dad, I quietly flipped over the covers and opened the diary.

‘Dear Diary,

Today is the happiest day in my life…’

That night, like Sleeping Beauty, I drifted off to sleep. However what followed was not a sweet dream waken up by a prince charming. It was the beginning of a nightmare.

I woke up to the noise of breaking glass the next morning. Still groggy, I crawled out of my bed. Down the hall, I walked. A rung echoed in the silence. Empty bottles and broken glass scattered on the floor. Dad sat in the dining room table. His head buried in his arms. His shoulders shook.

I knew I was lost but for some reasons, my eyes knew to drift towards the open door. Now looking back, it’s obvious that my mom had left with reasons my dad did not approve. However, little 10 year old me knew nothing better. Naïve me had the audacity to go up to my father. I tugged his shirttail. “Daddy, where did mommy go?” I asked innocently.

His shoulders started to shake ferociously. He answered with his head still buried in his arms, “She left.” He paused. Heavy breathing followed.  “That left with another man!” his voice shivered with anger as he slammed his fist on the kitchen table.

I didn’t understand. ‘She left.’ Those were the only two words that I processed. They rung in my ears and questions, many questions swam in my head. Why? Why did she leave with a man? She loves me right? I’m her princess, she wouldn’t leave me, right? She wouldn’t leave me…

Without thinking more, I yelled back at my dad, “No! Mommy wouldn’t leave me! She wouldn’t!”

He slammed his fists on the table and stood up. I jumped back in shock. He shouted with rage, “She left! She left me! She left you! She left this family!” He stood there in rage. My eyes caught his face, a face that I will never forget. His eyes filled with a mixture of anger and pain, flames that want to burn through his eyes but were kept down with the tears that were streaming down from the corners of his eyes. “She left us for a man.” With that, he charged out the open door.

The sound echoed in the empty room. I slowly dropped down onto the floor. I pulled my lap against my chest.  I laid there, staring at the open door, all alone. Tears streamed down my face and I shivered with fear. What happened? Where is my loving mother? How can she leave us? No…

A total of 8 hours passed. I continued to lay there, dried of tears by this point. Dad walked in without any acknowledgement of me on the floor. He just slouched on the couch with a beer can in hand. I don’t know if the word happy fits perfectly but I was glad that my father came home because the only thing that I wanted at the point was someone to listen to me, someone to listen to my grievances. Slowly, I uncurled myself, crawled across the floor and up the couch next to dad.

His eyes were closed. I didn’t have to look at those eyes again. For a long time, I sat there in silence. I finally opened my mouth. “Daddy,” I whimpered. His eyes remained shut, but he grunted. I took that as a sign to continue talking. “Daddy,…” Tears started to fall again. I guess it was not dried after all. My voice broke, “I want mommy, I want mommy to come back…I…” BAM! My body hit the floor. My face ached, my body ached, but most of all, my heart ached. No more words were heard from me. Once again, I crawled up into a ball, with my hand over my face while tears flowed uncontrollably onto the floor. Only whimpers can be heard, whimpers not from me but from my father, “Don’t ever bring up this woman again. Don’t….not one word.” I bit my lips.

The whimpering soon faded away as his footsteps slowly drifted away. My head spun as I picked myself up. I managed to drag myself into my room and with shaking hands, I was able to unlock my princess diary.

‘September 28, 1998

I want mommy to come back. I want her to take my pain away…’

At that moment, the diary is supposed to place where I keep my precious memories and maybe secrets I do not intend to tell anyone. However, from that entry on, my first diary is more like a safe haven, the only safe haven that allowed me to speak my words of grief for the past 11 years.

The entry of September 28, 1998 ended with one sentence:

‘Mommy, I believe you.’

- Bae Seulgi