Hyukjae

Life never really goes the way you like it; unexpected things happen from time to time and they are not within our control. Sometimes, these unexpected events can in turn result in a better outcome—a life changing one. For me, it happened. I went through a long period of realisation and fear.

Back then, there was so many things I could not remember or understand. I found myself in the middle of nowhere one day, feeling lost and afraid. I was in a familiar environment but I was not exactly sure where. I was only four. A few days later, they appeared and all I could do was follow them. It seemed as though they were the only people who could see me because no one else took any notice of us wherever we went. They did not wander around much and only stayed at a playground hardly anyone passes by anymore since it is a old playground.

He appeared one day at the playground with a bright smile. I thought he was an angel because he was practically glowing. Donghae is such a cute name for the smiling angel. It was shocking to all of us when we realised that he could see us after he ran over to where we were and introduced himself.  They did not trust him initially, Victoria (who was part of them) the most. He always came back despite the many times they ignored him, hoping that they could be his friends too. It took quite some time for them to trust Donghae and finally agreeing to befriend him.

*

Something about little Donghae made me want to protect him and so I did. I followed him everywhere he went, even to school and the toilet. The fact that I could not speak then prevented me from spluttering nonsense to him. Ever since, I hanged out more with Donghae than them. I knew Donghae was not fond of me as I did not speak at all. At times like that, I really wished to be able to talk to him like how they do so he could accept me as his friend too.

Little by little, I started to understand more and also got to know Donghae better. I found out that Donghae went to the old playground for the first time because he had just moved into the neighbourhood. He had not returned to the playground often afterwards as we (or Victoria and the others since I stayed with him) would just look for him at his house instead.

I realised how his eyes always have the ability to tell me how he feels, whether he is happy, sad or confused. And I realised, maybe, just maybe, it was his eyes that captured me the very first time. 

It did not take long for me to realise he was always reprimanded by his parents because he told them about us as his friends. His parents were worried everytime he mentioned us and eventually took him to the psychologist. I followed along and like him, I hated that encounter with the psychologist. I did not understand why Donghae's parents thought he was sick.

*

Ambiguous memories returned slowly, leaving me much more confused than ever. They knew something about me and yet, they were not saying anything. I was terrified during that period of time because I truly had no idea who I was, where I came from and why I could not speak. For three years, they would visit Donghae and me occasionally. It was until the third year before they stopped coming. Donghae was devastated because they were his only friends. I would not count myself as his friend as he did not either. 

It took a long time for me to understand things. More memories returned.

Since they left, Donghae had been trying his best to make me speak. It felt like he was finally wanting to be my friend.  I wanted to but I did not know how to speak then. I hated how his hope-filled eyes turned dull every single time I tried to open my mouth to speak but no voice came out. He called me monkey during that period but I never knew the reason. 
I got to know my name which is Lee Hyukjae, my birthday and the fact that I have parents and a sister. On my seventh birthday, I had most of my memories back. It was hard for me to comprehend all of the information initially. Did I die? This was the question I had always asked myself afterwards. 

It hit me hard that I had been away from my family for three years.

*

On Donghae's seventh birthday that same year, I managed to speak for the first time in three years. I did not realise it at first, only until he dragged me to his room afterwards by pulling my wrist.

It was unexpected. 

I never thought of doing so because it had never occurred to me as well that it was possible for us to have physical contact. Speaking all of the sudden caught both of us off guards, but that was not the only thing. I turned really red then, feeling as though I had made a fool out of myself (which is pretty much the truth). Donghae asked if I was sick and I was confused, not understanding why he thought so. He moved closer and placed his hand on my forehead, most likely checking to see if I was really sick, only for us to finally comprehend that he could touch me. I moved away from him quickly out of shock, not fully grasping the situation as always. 

His eyes widened cutely, mouth gaping. I was not prepared for the next poke by him and ended up gasping loudly, hands touching my face  in hope of stopping it from heating up. A smile appeared on his face and I never felt more accomplished. 

A surge of unexplainable happiness rushed through my body, seeing him smile. For once, I knew I was the cause of his smile. It seemed as though I was finally accepted by him. 

He dragged me to the living room once again, excitedly telling his parents about the touching incident. It was not the first time they scolded him for talking nonsence, bringing up the the topic of going to the pyscologist. He was so upset he hurriedly want back to the room, crying into his new birthday present. I wished I had not spoken then so that he would not receive such a great disappointment. Patting his head lightly, I wanted to take away his unhappiness.It was unexpected for him to kick away the birthday present and hug me t to sleep instead. The feeling was really pleasant. After waking up, the rest of the day went smoothly, no one discussing about my presence.

*

 
Discovering new things, recovering memories and feeling weird feelings were confusing. 

I realised how I was slowly growing up, just like Donghae, and understood the situation better as time passes. Donghae did not have real friends in school. He never did as people thought he was weird, talking to no one every time. They did not know mine existence, or theirs. 

He was lonely and I felt it. I hated the fact that I could not help him. So the least I could do, was to stay by his side forever. I promised him that and deep down, I also hoped that I would be able to see my family again.

*

"Monkey, what is your name?" He asked one day, surprising me because I was getting so used to being called Monkey, I did not know he wanted to know my real name.

"Um...Hyukjae. Lee Hyukjae."

He repeated my name over and over again, as if he was memorising something important and making sure that he was not wrong about the pronunciation.
Donghae made me talk as much as I could, keeping me close by his side although I had always being staying by his side. He made sure that we were always holding hands when no one is looking and that we slept together at night. I even helped out with his homework after learning from school as well. Ever since he knew my birthday, he made it a point to celebrate it by saving up his daily allowance to buy me a cupcake every year without fail(but I was never able to eat them). 

Thinking about it now, Donghae must have did all that as he was scared that I might disappear like the rest, which I still did in the end.

*

We were nine when the confession came to the unprepared me.

It was unexpected.

"Hyukkie, I really really like you!"  Donghae confessed with so much sincerity, there was no way anyone would ever reject him. So I confessed too. Confessing feelings which I realised I had when I was almost eight.

I gave away my first kiss that day, somehow knowing that my feelings were not simply puppy love despite me being only nine years old. The feelings I am still having till this day is the best evidence.

*

Over the years with Donghae, many changes took place. From growing to feeling and then understanding. And fear followed throughout those years.

*

It was scary when I start to realise that Donghae could no longer see me like the past. Ever since his twelveth birthday, it felt as though he was losing his ability to see me. There were many times when he casually walked past me, not acknowledging my presence. I initially thought that he was purposely ignoring me until I realised that he really did not see or hear me. I did not tell Donghae what was happening when he asked why I was not around, keeping the answer to myself. At the same time, I tried my best to always be with him in case one day he would not be able to see me until my disappearance started.

*

It was scary when I was brought to the hospital without any warning. The first time it happened, I was just lying on Donghae's bed while he talked to his mother in the living room. In a split second, I was in the hospital. The ceilings which were too high, the walls which were too white and the almost complete silence daunted me to run away from the place but I could. There was no way out: just a small patient's room surrounded by four walls. It would be great if ghost (at least I thought I was one) could pass through things just as everyone believes. Calming down, I was able to think clearly and observed my surroundings.

There was no one in the room other than me and... me. It did not take long before I returned to Donghae's room, feeling lethargic as though few seconds of 'teleportation' zapped all of my energy. It made no sense then.

Am I dying? I thought so.

*

Donghae got his first confession from a girl in late November the year he was twelve. He rejected her and I was secretly happy.

I think I am in love with you. I wanted to say that to Donghae after realising how I always got angry when people approached him to confess, only to feel proud as he rejected all of them. But I could not, I realised. Knowing that Donghae might not be able to see me anymore and the weird 'teleportation' that kept happening might mean that I was dying, I could not. Besides, I did not know whether he still liked me since we had not spoke about it after turning eleven.

*

The abrupt 'teleportation' to my hospital room took place more frequently soon after as it took longer and longer for me to return to my original location. Sometimes, I would get to see my family members.  It went on to an extent that Donghae realised. I was already thirteen. Every 'teleportation' made me tired upon every return and he knew.

"Hyukkie, where did you go? I hate you!" Donghae said, tears streaming down his face.

"Sorry, Hae Hae... Tired..." I collapsed on the bed, opening my arms, hoping that he would understand what I was trying to do. He laid back down, hugging me tightly and rubbing his face against my shirt.

"I missed you. Hae Hae scared..." He sniffled loudly before saying a 'good night', dozing off right after that.
It was late and he stayed up all night just to wait for me to return. 

He stopped hugging me after that night as I did not want to tell him the reason for me disappearance. I could not bring myself to tell him what was happening because I was scared. What if I was really dying? Will Donghae hate me?

*

"Hyukkie, you know I really really like you right?" Donghae said in the midst of us quarreling as I did not want to explain my disappearance. We were both crying and I was not prepared to hear that. I scoot closer to him, not letting him out of my embrace.

"You know I really really like you too, right?" I said and later told him I will tell him next time.
I like you more than just like. I love you. I thought as he gave me a peck on the forehead, causing me to blush badly. He still felt the same.

I promised to tell him in the future—when I am ready - and also to never leave him. He was the only one I had and he supported me till the end. I knew he was worried about my disappearance but he stopped asking about it, holding on to the promises I made. Since then, he did not hesitate to cuddle together to sleep every single time I returned late, knowing that I was tired.

*

It was getting worser and worser as his thirteen birthday approached. Sometimes he saw me when I was there although more than half the time, he failed to notice me. During the times he could see me, I wanted to tell him what was going on but I could not bring myself to do so. It was fine for him to scold me for leaving his side for too long. I would hate it to see him cry if he knew the truth. By his thirteen birthday, he lost his ability to see me completely. It was weird to be away from him because of sudden 'teleportation' after sticking close to him all along for nine years and I could not handle it together with the fact that he thought I left when I continued staying by his side and following him whenever I can.

I was scared and wondered if it was time for me to go.

*

For the first two weeks after my 'disappearance', Donghae cried over it and constantly asked his parents where was I, not caring that they never thought I existed. They brought him to the psychologist again. He acted normal when he came back although he cried the hardest that night. I wish I could comfort him by giving him a hug, just anything to help.

*

I saw them at the hospital. I was taken aback, not understanding how.

"How did you guys get here?" It had been six years and they has not change at all. Unlike me who had grew taller according to Donghae, they were just as I remembered them.

"It's been a long time. I have something to tell you since a long time ago," Victoria said seriously. "You are not like us and that is why the kid, Donghae, can touch you."

"What—"

"What I mean is you are not dead. You still have a chance to live like Donghae. You need to try to get back into your body." She was frustrated and I took a step back out of instinct.

"How did you know he can touch me when you weren't there? Did you know this all along? Then why did you not tell me this earlier?"

"I didn't believe it initially because I have not encountered it personally. I wasn't sure."

"How do I get back?"

"I don't know. You have to figure that out yourself. You don't belong in our world so return to your living world soon. We will get going."

"Wait, do you know why Donghae can't see me anymore and why did you all leave?"

"It happens. Kids usually lose their ability to see us as they grow old, Donghae is no exception. As for why we leave, we can't stay with someone from the living for too long. It will spoil the balance." She said grimly and disappeared with them.

It took time to register the new information.

*

I found it ridiculous to believe in what Victoria said as there was no change or improvement no matter which methods I tried. Praying, jumping on my body, trying to touch my body and anything else I could think of—nothing worked. The only reason I continue trying over and over again was to stop Donghae from crying because of me.

*

It was truly relieving to see Donghae slowly making real friends in school and being able to live like every normal kid in school. At least something good was finally happening to him and I would not ask for more. The nights of crying eventually came to an end as life, for once, is normal for him. 

He still cries, but only on certain occasions such as my birthday whenever he returns to the cafe.

*

One month stretched to six months. Half a year stretched to one year. One year stretched to four years. I succeeded after four years. Fours years since he last saw me, thinking that i had broken our promise and left him.

It happened when I was sitting beside my sister by my bed, praying hard as usual to return while my sister work on her homework in the hospital. It was unpredicted to feel myself dragged closer to my body, then just back all of a sudden. The first few days of returning to my body were simply blurry and restless days. I felt utterly disorientated and the headache I was suffering did not stop worsening. Memories were all jumbled up.

*

Recovery took time and now that I am able to be like a human again, I'm going to fulfill my promise.

I am just one knock away.

not proofread and epilogue will be up soon (i hope). really sorry how the story turned out and how effing long i took to update. thank you for staying all the way <3